Stripper at wedding, but as a guest's plus one?!

[Somnum]

I'm getting married this summer and one of my fiancé's friends (let's call him "D") – a 48-year-old divorcé who lives like a cliché (he's wealthy, tends to date 20somethings and introduces us to new 'girlfriends' every season) – met a stripper while he was out on another friend's recent stag (yes, in strip club). Only three weeks ago he messaged my fiancé asking "where's a good place to take a stripper for dinner?". My fiancé was laughing over the flurry of texts and couldn't help but share the craziness of it all.

D messaged me privately today on WhatsApp to say that he couldn't post in the main group (his latest girlfriend since January is in the group chat) because he's been dating the stripper and now she's his girlfriend.

I could see where this was heading, so I said, as nicely as possible, that I'm happy he's met someone he's into, but she is not invited to the wedding. He's now accusing me of being highly judgemental and that she is just someone whom he's met and she's a very nice person.

How would you all feel in my situation. I don't think I'm being judgemental. Do you?

"Everyone else is going with their spouse, fiancé/fiancé

So if they get engaged, I’d she allowed to come??

I’m struggling to follow your logic here. Why is her being a strippper relevant? The only person, I’d not want at the wedding, is the disrespectful arsehole friend"

You're talking about logic, but you're being far too objective here. Have you completely glossed over the background info re: D?! No, it's not about only inviting those who are engaged or married. I don't want to pay for someone who won't be around for long.

Many of you are right though: I shouldn't invite D, although I can foresee this causing issues between future DH and me.

How on Earth do I quote posts on here (or edit them?!)

If you scroll down the bottom of the page there is a little key showing you how under the Title Emphasis

You can't revoke a +1- he can bring whoever he likes. I've been to a few weddings where it was fairly obvious that men have brought escorts with them. No-one batted an eye though.
She's probably lovely - I know a 2 women who worked in lap dancing clubs as students. Both now earn mega bucks in the city. You'd never guess it's what funded their education!
If he is doing it for attention don't give him any - just let him get on with it.

You mention stripper in the title, make an OBVIOUS point that she is a stripper and he picked her up in a strip club, then 2 seconds later say actually it's not the occupation that's the problem it's that he's only known her 3 weeks.

Bull and shit. You're judgemental as fuck and you're judging her occupation, and because you've been called out on it you're back tracking.

Meh, get in the bin.

"I suspect your dp and social group all hold this older guy in high regard, find him amusing and his constant stream of arm candy a source of entertainment and amusement."

Yes, you're right there, we do. So D does add value to the group, but as you've probably figured out, is a massive narcissist so it's all about him.

I don’t think that YABU for not wanting a stripper at your wedding. And lol at people referring to stripping as a profession or a career. But, while reasonable, you are being a text book definition of judgemental. She may be a lovely person despite her poor life choices. However, given that she is dating someone like your uncle, I doubt it.

I think this woman would be much better off not going. For her own sake. Bunch of judgemental sniggering arses with whom her supposed boyfriend has been laughing about her.

"You mention stripper in the title, make an OBVIOUS point that she is a stripper and he picked her up in a strip club, then 2 seconds later say actually it's not the occupation that's the problem it's that he's only known her 3 weeks.

Bull and shit. You're judgemental as fuck and you're judging her occupation, and because you've been called out on it you're back tracking.

Meh, get in the bin."

Yes, I suppose I could be called judgemental. I judge some people as intelligent, beautiful (and the list goes on). It's pretty much the same as my dog being a judgemental bitch as well when she sniffs at something and won't eat it on the side of the road. Probably because she knows it's bad for her and she judges.

As I mentioned before, I'm not saying that I completely do not mind her being a stripper. That adds to the problem.

You need to go back to school and learn some manners. You did go to school, didn't you? :)

Shrugs

Oh dear.

You don't know her, you haven't met her, she's not your friend, you don't owe her anything. They have been in a 'relationship' for three weeks. It's your wedding, so don't invite her if you don't want to. End of.

Your opinion of what she does for a living is your business, MNers can compare it to a teacher or a doctor all they want but it's not their wedding day so their opinion isn't the one that matters. She could turn out to be a trainee doctor working herself through university but who cares. The focus of the day is supposed to be the bride, and unless half your guests work in that industry or think it's 'normal' everyone will be whispering and craning their neck to look at the stripper. That's probably not the lasting memory you want people to have of your day.

He sounds bloody tiresome but at least he's asked, and you can make her job irrelevant if no other guests are bringing a plus one. Don't let him make it about her job, steer away from that and just keep saying no, because she'd be a 'random' and your wedding is for your friends and family only. If he's not happy or kicks off don't be drawn into a drama just tell him you understand if he doesn't want to attend.

Ok we now have an analogy of your attitude to this woman at your wedding- you identify with a dog sniffing some shit at the side of the road

"The thing is. If you knew he was walking daily mail fodder, why issue a plus one in the first place? You sort of walked into that one.

It's not you reducing her to her profession - it's him!!! He's the one who wants to tell the anecdote "that time I brought a stripper to a wedding". Misogynist twat. Put your foot down. This is not to do with how you view other women, this is him seeing your wedding as a filter for future "banter". Tell him he can fuck off."

You're completely right. I do think I've walked into it and you're also right about him wanting to tell the anecdote. He's such a D (you all know what the D stands for now).

Yes, it IS a filler for future banter and also so he doesn't go on his own. The stripper element is very relevant because he's using it to make a point. Whether he actually develops real feelings and it goes somewhere is something separate. It's about bringing his craziness to my wedding (not her, but his way of life and how he speaks to women).

"Ok we now have an analogy of your attitude to this woman at your wedding- you identify with a dog sniffing some shit at the side of the road grin"

Some people read something into everything. You should become a clairvoyant m'love. You'd do very well.

Thanks to every one of you for your comments and input. It's nice to be able to have a good range of opinions as it helps me with my decision as well as give me new things to think about and consider.

It was my first ever post and I'll bow out here.

I need to get on with my day.

Thanks again.

A clairvoyant? I did once think I could be a Medium. It turned out I was a Small.

Your last post makes you sound sensible actually. You should have written that in your Op. I'm struggling to grasp your stance though. It keeps shifting.

It’s fair enough that op has a problem with the situation without exactly putting her finger on why, and so talking it through here results in that stance shift.

The stripping is a problem - not with the woman in question but for the situation that D is trying to engineer.

The stranger at a wedding is also a problem

And the probable lack of importance of their ‘relationship’ in terms of wedding attendance is a problem

Plus, his ex was invited by name. How does he know she isn’t still invited. Doesn’t mean he can replace that invitee with a random.

I basically don't want a random who - going by his usual antics - won't stay around for long - in my wedding photos

Well, if you look at friends' and family's wedding pics from the late 70s - early 80s, you'd see me in them with quite a few different +1s. Back then a +1 was just an open invite for you to ask whoever you happened to be dating at that time along, so you weren't 'alone' I suppose.

It must be different now if a +1 has to 'qualify' in some way.

And as far as her occupation, I live in the US fairly close to a large university in a 'casino town' (not Vegas, the other one) where any number of students (mainly female) have paid their way through by being 'exotic dancers'. Some have even paid their way by being sex workers at the legal brothels in the next county. They've emerged debt free and are now doctors, teachers, nurses, any number of 'respectable' professions. Far be it from me to criticize or judge them.

Bull and shit. You're judgemental as fuck and you're judging her occupation, and because you've been called out on it you're back tracking

This! 100%.