Best friend won't allow newborn at wedding

[Londoner1983]

Hello,

First time on here and need some advice please! Currently pregnant with my first baby so exciting times ahead!

My baby is due 3/4 weeks before my best friends wedding which I was meant to be bridesmaid for. My friend and her husband have got a no child policy at their wedding but being her best friend I hoped they would make an exception and allow me to still be bridesmaid, stay in the hotel where wedding is and nip off when I need time or to feed as baby will still be newborn. They have said we can't bring the baby so my parents offered to come and look after it(wedding is 3hours from where we live!). I agreed to this but then got told we couldn't be in the hotel as room is cramped for parents and don't want them faffing with prams during the wedding day.

It was then decided that we stay in a cottage on the grounds and I can go out to feed there when needed. As the time has gone on we have realised what an ask this is and that we don't feel comfortable leaving a baby so young even though I trust my parents completely. When we have tried to explain they said they can't make an exception for our baby otherwise it would mean they'd have to invite other peoples.

I am so hurt and confused as the bride is my best friend who I thought would want me there no matter what. All they have gone on about is how I won't be able to do my bridesmaid duties(not sure what these involve tbh and there are 2 others). After speaking to her husband, it's been decided I'll just go as a guest so I can go when needed and just be there for the bits I can be. However this still doesn't address the fact I don't want to leave it and that I wanted to be there for most of the day with them to celebrate.

After speaking to other friends, they have said we should say if baby doesn't go, we don't but so hard to say this to your closest friend! Any advice would be great.

Thank you!

She doesn't want you there.
If she did, she would be more helpful and understanding.
Sounds like the wedding has gone to her head and she'll regret it later.
If I were you I wouldn't be going to the wedding. I wouldn't want to leave my newborn at that early stage and I certainly wouldn't be asking anyone else to.

I think you need to compromise and either go as a guest that has to pop out periodically or not go at all, which presumably would upset you and your friend.

It's their day and I think they have to be emphatic about the no kids/babies rule otherwise it gets more complicated for them.

I'm guessing your friend has no clue about newborns.

There is kind of a wedding code (IMO) that newborns are exempt from the no kids rule. They really can't be separated from their mum if breastfed.

If I were you I would explain to best friend that you have discussed the matter with some mums you know and it isn't realistic to attend a wedding without the baby.

If it was me I would be trying to get out of it completely.

In this situation I wouldn't go. Your baby might only be two weeks old by then. To be honest I wouldn't want a new born to do a 6 hour round trip in a car seat. You have done your best to find a compromise your side but they aren't budging. They will understand how unreasonable they have been if they have their own children. Baby comes first and that is it!

Clearly, your baby will need you more than your friend, so you do what you need to do for your baby. If that means missing your best friend's wedding, then so be it.

People without children will never appreciate the complexities and subtleties of caring for babies (nor should they be expected to). This will be the first of many situations you will have to address as a parent pulled between priorities.

I would have been like your friend before having chidren - just absolutely clueless and not particularly understanding.

But you need to do what is best for you. A newborn comes first.

If the wedding is 3-4 weeks after your due date, you may not be any shape to attend. I speak as someone whose first baby was over 2 weeks overdue and had an emergency caesarian. Even if you do have a straightforward delivery on time, it is a big upheaval and you may still be getting into a routine. All the faffing about that's proposed sounds awful and the baby may not settle with your parents. Seems a lot of expense and hassle in what will be early days for you and the baby. You also don't want to disrupt a bedding-in routine with the baby. In your shoes, I'd bow out.

I wouldn't go either, I agree that babes in arms are exempt from the 'child free wedding' situation. She is obviously completely naive to the needs of a newborn. If you want to breastfeed at 3/4 weeks you may still need to do very long feeds to establish supply etc. at that stage my DS needed to be on the boob for 3 hours every afternoon. If. You're planning on FF it will probably be easier from that respect, but 3 weeks is often when babies become quite unsettled and just need you.

I think your friend is being very unreasonable to ban anyone's tiny baby.

Believe me- it will be virtually impossible to leave a baby that small for any length of time. They're so tiny and need constant feeding and you will feel this overwhelming urge to be near them- it would be a waste of your day.

Just tell your friend that it isn't going to happen, stay at home and enjoy your newborn.

Rtft, it's not that difficult

Your baby may well be late. Therefore, the wedding could be 10-14 days after the delivery. Many couples have a no child rule but to take it to the extreme of banning a tiny baby less than 1 month old!

I think you should just decide now not to go. Recognise that you both have massive events in both your lives at the same time and you can not be there for each other as you would have wished.

Tell your friend that you have spoken to your midwife who has reminded you that many women go over with their first. That you really are not sure if you will be able to be there so it's best to cancel now so that they can offer your place to other friends.

It might be wise to expect this friendship to evolve into something different to what you have previously shared.

Londoner yanbu, you're friend I'd, hopefully one day she will realise this

And also YY to birth recovery, I had a not too traumatic birth, but at 3 weeks I was still bleeding quite heavily, had minimal bladder control (got about 1-2 min warning before needing to dash to a loo), and needed to sit on a rubber ring/very soft cushions to keep comfortable on my stitches. I'm not trying to scare you at all, but just be aware that the whole day will be completely different to how you might expect!

Honestly, please tell her you won't be going. In the best case scenario your baby will be 4 weeks old, but you will be stressing about being away from him/her even if he/she is with your parents nearby.

Worst case scenario, your baby will be 2 weeks old, born by C-section. You will be recovering from major surgery and absolutely not up to attending a wedding 3 hours away.

Your friend is being completely unreasonable, but I think you should make the decision not to go, even if she was completely open to the idea of you having your baby with you.

I think you will have to drop out. Fwiw, your friend will probably cringe at her actions when she has a newborn of her own but that will be too late for the wedding!

She is being out of order IMO, my bridesmaid had 6 week old twins. Her mum, dad and husband looked after then at the venue whilst she did her "bridesmaid duties" - so the service and the meal, then she attended to her twins and showed them off before her parents looked after them in the room during the evening party. We all got to coo over them at breakfast time too.
It would never have crossed my mind to ban her babies or demote her.

You are all right and it's what myself and husband knew. We either say it comes with us or we don't come. Thank you all for advice! Hopefully one day she will understand as I think this may effect our friendship in a serious way as much as I don't want it to! But as a close friend she should be able to make an exception and want me there no matter what.

Thanks again!

I wouldn't go. Friends of ours are having a no kids wedding when DC2 will be 8 weeks. We told them we could only make the main ceremony and they said they wanted us there for the whole thing and baby was welcome to stay. So DC1 is off for a day out with Grandma and DC2 will be with us in a sling. If there is no compromising I just want to wouldn't go!

I would pull out.

I doubt she means to be hurtful probably just has no clue about babies.

She is being unreasonable. And would be unreasonable to get arsey about you not attending.

Until you have the baby you won't know how you both are and what you feel up to in terms of travel and socialising.

If you bf you will might need to be feeding the baby for many hours, frequently and unpredictably at that stage. Unrealistic to plan on infrequent feeds or expressing.

Another solution would be to take turns with your DP to look after the baby and attend the do, one seat / meal for the two of you! Might work if you'd decided to use formula and you felt ok about being apart.

I wouldn't go, if having you there meant so much to your friend she would agree to your baby going as well. As said previously, it does seem as though the wedding has gone to her head!

DD3 had a no children rule (apart from bridal party, 3 yr old niece was flower girl) BUT 2 newborns came. DD really wanted their mums to attend and realised they couldn't leave such tiny babies - one was only 11 days old! We had a room set aside for feeding/changing/rocking to sleep if they wanted to use it and most of the time you wouldn't have known they were there.

My advice would be to keep the moral high ground, so if she still says no you can't come etc. just be very accepting and gracious that you understand it's difficult for her to make the allowance. She'll realise one day and hopefully this will preserve your friendship!

I actually had a child-free wedding (for various reasons, not least we had a limit on number) but rang all the people with newborns or little ones who might have problems leaving them and made sure that they realised that they could of course bring them or we would try and help them find some help etc.

I think BikeRunSki's post is spot on:

"Clearly, your baby will need you more than your friend, so you do what you need to do for your baby. If that means missing your best friend's wedding, then so be it.

People without children will never appreciate the complexities and subtleties of caring for babies (nor should they be expected to). This will be the first of many situations you will have to address as a parent pulled between priorities"

Although I didn't have children then!

I think your friend is being totally unreasonable and unempathetic and you need to put you and your baby first, if you are even well enough/together enough to go at that point. I certainly wasn't after any of my births...

due to seating numbers we had to decide on a no kids rule at teh wedding, BUT, we put on invites it was with exception to babes in arms that still needed their mum

It seemed to go down ok

There's no way you could go in my opinion, you will be very tired and may not have slept (you might be lucky but who knows). You might have a c section and in which case won't want to be on your feet all day and you can't just leave the baby in a cottage with your parents all day and keep popping back as others have said the baby will want to be fed a lot! Your friend is not accommodating you so don't put yourself out (massively!) to attend her wedding