Best friend won't allow newborn at wedding

[Londoner1983]

Hello,

First time on here and need some advice please! Currently pregnant with my first baby so exciting times ahead!

My baby is due 3/4 weeks before my best friends wedding which I was meant to be bridesmaid for. My friend and her husband have got a no child policy at their wedding but being her best friend I hoped they would make an exception and allow me to still be bridesmaid, stay in the hotel where wedding is and nip off when I need time or to feed as baby will still be newborn. They have said we can't bring the baby so my parents offered to come and look after it(wedding is 3hours from where we live!). I agreed to this but then got told we couldn't be in the hotel as room is cramped for parents and don't want them faffing with prams during the wedding day.

It was then decided that we stay in a cottage on the grounds and I can go out to feed there when needed. As the time has gone on we have realised what an ask this is and that we don't feel comfortable leaving a baby so young even though I trust my parents completely. When we have tried to explain they said they can't make an exception for our baby otherwise it would mean they'd have to invite other peoples.

I am so hurt and confused as the bride is my best friend who I thought would want me there no matter what. All they have gone on about is how I won't be able to do my bridesmaid duties(not sure what these involve tbh and there are 2 others). After speaking to her husband, it's been decided I'll just go as a guest so I can go when needed and just be there for the bits I can be. However this still doesn't address the fact I don't want to leave it and that I wanted to be there for most of the day with them to celebrate.

After speaking to other friends, they have said we should say if baby doesn't go, we don't but so hard to say this to your closest friend! Any advice would be great.

Thank you!

I honestly would back out. My first was two weeks late and I had to have an episiotomy. It was a good 2-3 weeks before I could even sit down without wanting to cry. If this is you, how will you even get there? Never mind sit through the service and the meal. That is before you even begin to factor in looking after your newborn, and the shear physical exhaustion you may feel. I am sure you love your friend and want to make her happy, but you and your new born must come first.

Thanks for clarifying.

Sack the wedding off with a polite decline.

Good luck

Just give in to the inevitable. Honestly, when you are post-delivery I am 95%+ sure you will thank your lucky stars you haven't got to haul yourself and the baby across country.

OP, My BF was clueless about the effect having children has on all aspects of life when I first had DC. I went to her hen weekend when DC was 5 months old and BF couldn't understand why I was in tears on the phone home. She often texted at short notice to see if I fancied meeting her for a drink when she finished work with no idea why that was impossible at 2 hours notice when I had a small child and DH was working.
She now has her own DC and it's made her realise how ridiculous many of the things she asked of me were.
Why don't you pull out of the wedding now reasoning that you have no idea if you will be in a position to attend until after DC is born so you'd rather free up a place for her to invite someone else (especially if the hotel is limited on space). Otherwise it will be just another thing for you (and her) to worry about and neither of you need the extra stress over the next few months.

OP as others have said I would just bow out as gracefully as you can and explain that it will be just too soon after your baby's birth for you to commit to anything, send your apologies and wish them a fabulous day.

The thing is, she is making it difficult for you to come, most definitely - but even if she was saying 'baby is welcome and it will be fine', the chances are you'd have a stressful time and it wouldn't be fine at all. Not that close to the birth. You'd be recovering from delivery, probably still bleeding, trying to establish feeding, etc etc. You'll quite possibly be feeling like crap: 2/3 weeks post birth is generally when the major exhaustion first really hits. 3 weeks is the first growth spurt, when chances are the baby may cluster feed for hours on end.

Honestly. Even if your friend was bending over backwards to try and accommodate you and your newborn, it would still be a horrendously stressful experience for you.

Send her and her new DH a nice card and enjoy focusing on your new baby when the time comes.

Your friend is making you choose between her and your baby. You have to choose the one who is dependent on you, I'm sorry she doesn't understand that. She'll regret it later.

Also - without wanting to go into too much detail, you could only be a very short time post partum and could still have heavy bleeding / leaky boobs etc, so you should take your own health into consideration especially when choosing an outfit

What Nydj wrote. It won't work. Just thinking back to the first few weeks with our firstborn. Over the moon, but man, it's like a hormonal bomb blast. Just ways you can't believe. The feelings.

Don't go.

I was in a similar position to you 2 years ago. My bf wanted me to stay overnight for her hen do when my baby was 8 weeks old (I needed to decide when he was 1 week old) and got really pissed off when I said no and we argued. She eventually changed it to be in local but was an all day drinks& food thing where she spent the whole time telling me how grateful I should have felt to have a break from the baby and get back to my 'old self'. I had the worst night of my life, I missed my baby so much, boobs were killing me and leaked loads and felt so guilty leaving him. I felt my friend put so much pressure on me being there and having a great time that I felt like I couldn't leave.

I had suffered really badly with PND and it took me a really long time to get over the guilt of leaving him on that day. I never should have went.

I was supposed to be bridesmaid but she decided it was better I came as a guest instead as she needed me on bridesmaid duties and knew I wouldn't be able to commit to her all day, and I was the only bridesmaid. I was actually gutted about this, it wasn't a discussion and she just told me this. She actually had 2 other bridesmaids on the day. I regret going to the wedding too, I just felt so awkward and uncomfortable and I barely spoke to the bride all day.

We've not seen or spoken to eachother since and I'd never be friends with her again.

Sorry, I've rambled on loads! If you go you will spend the whole day thinking about your baby, a few weeks is so early to be away from them unless you are ready to. If you are not there your friend will still have her special and I doubt she'll be worrying about you.

I think you should stop trying to explain yourself to the bride, she doesn't understand and (as others have said above) she probably won't understand until she has her own DC. The gracious thing to do would be to say that you understand her position and you hope she has a wonderful day. You won't be able to be there but you will be thinking of her and look forward to seeing the photos.

Travelling with small children can be easy for some, but if you have a easily distressed and hard to settle baby then any sort of trip is a nightmare. It's not good for a very young baby to be in a car seat for a long time anyway, lying flat is much better for them than that crunched up position in a seat.

Please don't go. The thought of going makes me want to cry on your behalf and both my births were on time and fine. Honestly even if she was totally cool with you bringing the baby it would be an awful day for you. Just don't go. I'm pretty sure there's a consensus on the thread

Your friend is being unreasonable. Most weddings I've attended, including my own, have been a no children affair, but exceptions were made for babies.

That said, I had to travel 6hrs to a wedding when pfb was 6 weeks old, I still had problems with my stitches and it was awful. Was told baby wasn't welcome as "she'd upstage the bride" (yes this was the reason given) but we'd probably be grateful for a weekend off anyway

We took my parents and made a weekend of it, but the wedding was miles from the accommodation and I had to keep going back to feed so that the small amount of expressed milk we had would last. It was a nightmare and we didn't get a word of thanks for making the effort. Mind you the bride was so pissed by the time we sat down to eat that she had to be held up during the speeches.

Your friend does have the absolute right to have exactly the wedding she wants, and she wants a childless wedding. She doesn't need to compromise on that for anyone. But you have the absolute right to decline the invitation and she shouldn't have any hard feelings. After all, she's the one who set the conditions, not you. But I wouldn't issue her an ultimatum ("Either baby comes or I don't come!"). I'd just graciously decline the invitation saying you're sorry to miss her big day, etc etc, but you really don't feel you can leave your newborn and wouldn't be able to enjoy yourself if you did, yada yada. Hopefully that will keep your friendship intact, if that's what you want.

OP when you said the bride says she doesn't want your parents fussing with a pram because the hotel is small and there are guests about - I don't understand why the guests or the hotel would be negatively affected by a pram on the premises?

We actually went to a close friends wedding about 2 hours away, stayed 2 nights, when my ds was 4 weeks old. We had a great time, it was a lovely chance for a lot of our other friends to meet ds. The difference being that our friends wanted us and our baby there. They even asked the hotel to give us the biggest quietest room they had.

She doesn't want people milling about the new baby taking all the attention from her Moomin.

ICan't that's exactly it. When DD2 was 5 weeks old we went to another wedding, 5 hrs drive away. It was wonderful and a totally different experience, because the bride and groom wanted us there, baby and all.

Decline invite and say it's too soon after having newborn. You don't know how you will feel physically (bleeding,leaky boobs, c-section?) and emotionally. she's not taking your feelings into account I feel you will regret going as she's not being a great friend over this

So long as the baby is niether at the ceremony, not the reception, that is all she can control. If you and Dp want to have yoyr parents come and stay, in your room, their own rooom or anywhere else, in order to have the baby near enough to feed, that is not her business.

If she os paying for your room, just tell her she needn't, and pay for it yourself. If there is not an available room for your parents, they can stay nearby, but spend the day at your room with the baby.

Bridezilla doesnt have control of the hotel itself. Even if the wedding guests are renting every room, she doesnt.

I seem to remember that I still hadn't got the knack of getting up, washed and dressed much before 4pm when my first baby was 2 weeks old. (He was a week late). It just seemed to be an endless round of feeding, changing, trying to get some food/sleep for myself round the clock.

That is without thinking about the piles, constipation, wind (me and the baby) and painful stitches that would have made a long car journey unthinkable.

No way would I have been able to go to a wedding.

Don't even consider it OP.

Agree with everyone else that your friend hasn't got a clue, and is not only making it impossible for you to attend but to be honest is making herself look a right selfish arse (not wanting her guests to see someone with a pram? FFS)

I add my voice to the chorus above - I was 2 weeks late, induced, had a major tear with stitches that broke down - the only place out of the house I went for six weeks was the GP surgery (thankfully only about 500 yards away from my house!!!!) I could not walk properly for three weeks, could not sit properly for eight weeks and learned to BF lying down. That sounds quite extreme, but most first time mums have some kind of stitching and discomfort. Also after birth you may still be bleeding very heavily (and unpredictably) at 3 weeks; milk won't have settled yet; you could still be establishing breastfeeding; and may have any number of other discomforts from constipation to piles or infection etc. You almost certainly won't fit in any of your pre-preg clothes and will not want to spend time making yourself look nice for a wedding. Honestly, at 3 weeks post partum I spent every hour feeding or exhausted, the sleep deprivation was like nothing else - I only managed to wee twice a day and certainly didn't get dressed. Sitting through a wedding would have been literally impossible!

A (very) few first time mums have a dream birth with no after-effects, fit back into their lodges after a couple of weeks, not too heavy bleeding, no problems breastfeeding, find baby easy to take in a car, blah blah. The vast majority of first time mums don't though You could be one of the lucky ones; but then again, even someone who is lucky had gone through a major life change and it's hard to explain before it happens to you just how earth-shattering it is. And anyway there's the sleep deprivation - you and your DH could be waking up every hour throughout the night, and not in any state to drive a long way or enjoy a wedding!

Plus a 3-hr car journey with a newborn is a major endurance test - you need to stop and take baby out of car seat after approx. 1.5/2hrs, so you need to factor in a break for that, plus you need to stop each time baby starts to cry for a feed - and sometimes just to comfort baby because it's too dangerous for the driver to keep driving with a wailing baby....honestly, a 3hr journey could easily take you 6hrs.

Take it easy on yourself and cancel. If your friend takes offence, she can only blame herself - and hopefully if she ever has a child she'll realise what an arsehole she's been (some people really don't though - DH and I were excluded from the child free wedding of a relative when DD was about 4 months and fully BF - however when she had her baby and life was hard for her she still didn't seem to "get" that we couldn't have left DD at 4mo!)

Lodges? Clothes!!

If you are bf, then it will be hell. I was feeding every 2 - 2.5 hours at this stage and each feed took 45 mins. You just cannot. She just doesn't get it. I am sure I would not have understood either until I had my own. Be prepared for her to be angry and rejected, but you need to look after yourself and your new baby.

Friends of ours were getting married a few weeks after DC2 was due. When they invited us, I said we would love to go, but DC2 would probably be too little and we therefore wouldn't be able to go. That were very gracious, and said for us to come, that the baby was welcome.

We went. I think he was 4 weeks old. We had to get him a passport and flew to London for the wedding. DS first of all howled through the ceremony, as we tried to quickly bundle him out of the church. Half way down the aisle he then loudly shat himself, with a river of baby crap emerging from the neck of his babygro.

I distinctly recall spending all of the reception with a baby attached to my breast. I have no idea what the fuck I was thinking when I agreed to go. we went to France for a holiday 2 weeks later as well

My advice would be not to go. FWIW, I don't think your friend is being unreasonable, just a bit caught up in her day, and not understanding of newborn babies. But I don't think you have quite grasped yet what the impact of recent birth or newborn babies is going to be like either. I don't mean that in a patronising (or scary) way, I just don't think anything can prepare you for it.

I would certainly not want to be the bridesmaid with the leaky boobs on the wedding photos

I agree with all the others. Don't go.
However, be prepared for her to haves hissy fit about it

I went to a wedding by myself. On a bus with a three week old and my 3.5 yr old. I was told I had to go to a special room to feed,
Turned out to get to this room I had to go through the kitchen with the two kids and up some rickety stairs only to find others were using it for prayer kind of defeating the point of trekking there.
Anyway, I wdn't do it again and I don't think you shd go.