Best friend won't allow newborn at wedding

[Londoner1983]

Hello,

First time on here and need some advice please! Currently pregnant with my first baby so exciting times ahead!

My baby is due 3/4 weeks before my best friends wedding which I was meant to be bridesmaid for. My friend and her husband have got a no child policy at their wedding but being her best friend I hoped they would make an exception and allow me to still be bridesmaid, stay in the hotel where wedding is and nip off when I need time or to feed as baby will still be newborn. They have said we can't bring the baby so my parents offered to come and look after it(wedding is 3hours from where we live!). I agreed to this but then got told we couldn't be in the hotel as room is cramped for parents and don't want them faffing with prams during the wedding day.

It was then decided that we stay in a cottage on the grounds and I can go out to feed there when needed. As the time has gone on we have realised what an ask this is and that we don't feel comfortable leaving a baby so young even though I trust my parents completely. When we have tried to explain they said they can't make an exception for our baby otherwise it would mean they'd have to invite other peoples.

I am so hurt and confused as the bride is my best friend who I thought would want me there no matter what. All they have gone on about is how I won't be able to do my bridesmaid duties(not sure what these involve tbh and there are 2 others). After speaking to her husband, it's been decided I'll just go as a guest so I can go when needed and just be there for the bits I can be. However this still doesn't address the fact I don't want to leave it and that I wanted to be there for most of the day with them to celebrate.

After speaking to other friends, they have said we should say if baby doesn't go, we don't but so hard to say this to your closest friend! Any advice would be great.

Thank you!

Just be gracious and decline.

I went to a major event with 3 week old baby. Spend all the time seething whenever people asked to hold him, whenever they bent over him with their germs, when they went on and on asking me how I was doing, how baby was doing. Two or three women planted kisses on his cheeks and you have no idea how much you want to rip their heads off till it happens to you. one left purple lipstick all over him. I retreated to hotel room in the end where it was too hot, too small, I couldn't find anything and there was no microwave, kettle and suchlike. I wanted Ribena and soup, not burger and chips off the menu. DS's travel cot didn't fit on anything so had to put him on floor at foot of bed where I couldn't see him, so I couldn't sleep either as was used to seeing him (and needed to stay up to warn DH not to trip over cot when he came in. I just wanted to be at home, and I had a really shit time, not helped when DH rolled in 4 hours later and then snored all night (no spare room to kick him off to). And then I was supposed to come to breakfast the next day and do it all again. Except I didn't. I burst into tears and made DH drive me home at 6 in the morning.

That's the reality of taking a 3 week old baby to a wedding. Just don't do it.

*Don't use it as a threat. Just back out.

If you use it as a threat and she relents and then you find you're simply not up to it then your friendship could be irreparably damaged.*

this. I've had c-sections and vaginal births and I would not have been up for a wedding 3 hours away 1-3 weeks after any of them. Newborns and long car journeys are not a great idea either. I also wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere outside my own home. As someone else said, your friend and you have major life events happening at the same time - pity about the timing but these things happen.

Be really nice to your friend, don't blame her no kids rule, just say as a previous poster suggested that your midwife made you realise the realities of being post-partum and having a newborn.

Pull out now! Even with an uncomplicated birth, no drugs, quick delivery, I was in no fit state to go to a wedding that far away without my newborn or fannying about with nipping in and out. At 3/4 weeks, she was cluster feeding unbelievably. I was still bleeding, had this external pile that hurt like a bastard, just needed to sit or lie in bed with no top on feeding her. My daughter did not like to be put down, either.

She's made it impossible for you to attend.

Your baby comes first.

I would not have coped with going to a wedding at that point. My babies have been late both times so could been max a couple of weeks old. I also take awhile to recover from birth (2nd time I had to stay in bed for 2 weeks).. Hopefully you'll have a different experience but bear in mind that you may not be physically up to it.

i think it's too much. you don't know what kind of birth you'll have. you might not be able to travel to the wedding comfortably.

i would say you think it's best not to come because it's just too close to the birth. wish her all the best, and mean it. sometimes we have errors of judgement, sounds to me a bit like she's jealous of your baby. she's effectively forcing you to choose. this isn't a choice you can make though. a baby needs it's mum at that age, more than she needs you.

I asked for no babies or children at my wedding - I just didn't have a clue how new parents would react, that's all. I was furious (but hid it) when my SiL brought both a toddler and a baby - and then complained about lack of child-friendly food and music being too loud so that her children couldn't sleep! We didn't throw them out or anything, but the children didn't enjoy it, I don't think she did, and it certainly wasn't helpful to us. We had wanted an adult evening wedding, with dancing and casino, not a daytime one suitable for children.

It certainly wasn't down to not liking SiL (I do, very much) or small children, I just didn't want that type of family-friendly wedding. I certainly hadn't anticipated spending part of the time when I should have been seated having my meal, asking if there was any child-sized cutlery available... So please don't take it personally, maybe your friend just wants to see YOU, her friend, not you, the Mummy.

With any of my 3, just a no-go that far away. I used to think that, too, 'Just give them a bottle and leave them with the grandparents.' PMSL!

You won't be in a fit state to go that far and have to fanny around with 'nipping out' to feed as it just doesn't work like that until they are about 6 months or so, if not longer, depending on the baby.

We had a no kids rule at our wedding, because otherwise there would have been almost as many under 10's as adults (our friends and families all seem to be prolific breeders!). We did however make an exception for BF babies and I think it would have been unreasonable not to.

FWIW, only 1 person commented adversely on this, on the basis that he wanted the opportunity to show off his beautiful (3 yr old) daughter at the wedding!

Haven't read full thread but I took both my daughters to a wedding (and overnight stay in hotel)when they were 6 weeks old. Fully BF . ( Didnt take the by then 3.75 yr old to the second one) Being a guest was fine (and because a lot of my friends already had children-I started late- everyone was very understanding . Indeed a lot of the women practically fought over the chance to cuddle a relatively new-born ) DH was primed to remove child from service at the slightest peep and we sat near the back . The friends in question weren't even that close-in both cases the grooms (as it happended) were part of biggish friendship groups .The brides, neither of whom I knew well, were fine about it
I'm not sure I'd have wanted to be a bridesmaid though especially as a bridesmaid's dress probably wouldn't be designed BF . I'm sure you've thought about the need to wear something you can feed easily and discretely in - there really should be no need for you to leave the reception ,at least though you might not want to feed in the ceremony .( I had thought about that ,but forgotten I would probably still have a bit of a tummy-I did- and had to go out and panic buy)
To be fair if she has no children she will have no idea what's invoved-who does .

In both cases there were no other children there I think all the parents were happy to 'escape' for a night away

YY postchild once weaned! I can't think of a worse hindrance to my enjoyment of a wedding than having my own toddler/pre schooler there (other peoples wouldn't bother me)! I'm expecting dc2 this spring and my friend has made it clear that both the new baby (who'll be 3 months but still v young) and DS (3.5) are welcome to her wedding. I'm very grateful to be able to take my baby who I'm planning on EBF but there's no way I want to take DS!

Your baby will probably be only 1-2 weeks old.

I did go to a wedding with a 1 week old. I just went to the ceremony with DC sleeping in the car seat the whole time. After the ceremony people cooed over the baby then my parents gave me a lift home. (Half hour) I had an invite for the reception but the hour was probably enough. I'd had an easy birth so felt fine but a long day would have been too tiring.

For a wedding 3 hours away when you don't know what kind of birth you'll have it is probable you won't make it.

Just for you physically you will probably still have heavy lochia and be using bulky maternity pads. Your breasts will be leaky and maybe sore. If you've had stitches it may still sting when you pee/be sore to sit on hard seats for a while. You will be tired from being up a lot during the night.

You will only be just learning the ropes of babycare (esp as your pfb). You don't know how portable your baby will be. You won't be in a feeding routine. There's just so much you can't predict atm!

Such a long day so far from home is almost impossible with such a tiny baby. Hopefully when your bf has her pfb she'll understand.

Lots of advice and opinions. We decided I wouldn't be bridesmaid as I would have greater flexibility to go out when baby needed me. It's just hard how to word that she's made it difficult for me to come. If we were allowed in the hotel with baby, I could at least go up whenever I needed to feed or rest.

After deciding to be just a guest, I cancelled the cottage as didn't want to pay all the money it was going to cost us for 2nights(double what we had originally planned on the 1night in hotel) so now we have nowhere booked!!
Somebody asked- I wasn't pregnant when asked to be bridesmaid and wedding is 5 months away.

I must confess though, I don't actually remember much about those weddings, except people cooing over my beautiful babies . (they were each about a 3 hr drive away ,but staying over helped.) It was just nice to make an effort and enjoy somewthing
But 6 weeks is a bit more 'established' that 2/3 I suppose . And although I had stitches both times,my deliveries were quite straighforward. And I was never too self conscious about feeding 'in public' . DH was brilliant . Sent me down to the bar in the evening to socialise(they were my friends, not his) and sat upstairs with babe in carry cot(!)until she went to sleep. Then they joined us . I supposeI should have worried about noise, cigarette smoke etc but I didn't

Honestly best to politely decline now. It just ain't gonna work logistically.

Op....can you explain the bit about 'parents cramped in room and faffing with pram' etc I didn't understand this bit. Was the bride saying your parents weren't allowed to stay in hotel and she didn't want them 'faffing with pram'?

Sorry if I've misread.

Also there is no way on earth Id ask again if I could take the baby. They have made their views really clear. To be honest....Id probably not go.

I'd be declining the invite, with apologies but on the basis that I just don't know how I would feel. I'll leave aside the child free rule but even as a FF mother I wouldn't have been with your suggested plan and it seems all so unnecessary.

My PFB was over 2 weeks late and induced leaving me with many stitches that then got infected. She was born 3 weeks before Christmas, I managed a half hour car journey to PIL and to join in celebrating Christmas, as long as you didn't ask me to stand for long or move fast. My baby was PFB for the whole family so spoilt all day, but by a limited group of close relatives (no nasty germs breathing over her from mere acquaintances. And I had a nap in the afternoon. No way would I have made it through a 3 hour drive and wedding.

However DC2 was only a 6-weeks old when we drove 6 hours to Cornwall for. A holiday, but my body didn't take such a battering and the extra 3-weeks made a huge difference.

When I suggested my parents staying upstairs with the baby so I could go when needed in the room we'd booked, I was told that if my parents wanted to take baby outside she didn't want them fussing with a pram as the hotel is quite small so there would be guests milling around. And that she didn't think making them stay up in a hotel was fair on them with a baby which is why the cottage was suggested. But the cottage, though still on the grounds of hotel, was extremely expensive as 2night minimum stay. The fact is I won't want to leave baby and would be different if I could nip quickly to go watch the ceremony but to cart my baby and parents all that way when I don't know how I'm feeling and to only go to parts of the wedding I can get to isn't fair on anyone.

You are seriously underestimating the effect having a newborn baby ill have on you, IMVHO.
It's a shame you've had all this fuss about details, rather than just telling her you won't be able to come to the wedding that soon after giving birth (don't forget, the baby is more than likely to be late, and you have no idea how you will be affected by the birth). However, I can guarantee, even if baby arrives on due date, you will not feel like travelling 3 hours to a wedding, where you can't dictate any timings, where you'll be wanting to look nice, etc.,etc., even 3 or 4 weeks after giving birth.
Just apologise about the unfortunate timing and the fact you feel sad you can't be her bridesmaid. Wish her well, and ask if you can meet up afterwards and look at all the picture, and have a lunch together one you feel human again after giving birth.

It's just hard how to word that she's made it difficult for me to come.

Can you tell her you've spoken to friends with children about what kind of things you'll be dealing with a few weeks after birth, and after listening to their advice you've decided it'll just be too difficult to manage, so you won't be able to come? Makes it a bit less "I demand to bring my baby!", which I suspect is how she's seeing it, and a bit more "this is a really hard thing to do a few weeks after birth."

Just say you have thought about the practicalities a bit more and come to the conclusion that it is highly likely that the arrangements won't work and you don't want to risk anything on their big day so with regret you are sending your apologies now so that they can invite someone else if they wish.

Or get your parents in on the act and say they are now thinking they won't be able to come as it would be too much for them.

'If we were allowed in the hotel with baby, I could at least go up whenever I needed to feed or rest.

After deciding to be just a guest, I cancelled the cottage as didn't want to pay all the money it was going to cost us for 2nights(double what we had originally planned on the 1night in hotel) so now we have nowhere booked!!
Somebody asked- I wasn't pregnant when asked to be bridesmaid and wedding is 5 months away.'

It's by the by now. You did not plan this, you suggested a very valid compromise. She declined this. It's possible she just doesn't get it if she has no kids. Fair enough. But as the cottage is too far and too expensive and you have already pulled out of being a bridesmaid then it gives you no other valid alternative but to decline even as a guest, especially with a first born as you really have no idea.

Do it now and gracefully. How she reacts says more about her than you but tbh, often, friendships change when one of you has a child.

Honestly, please come to peace with the idea of not going.
She isn't a shit or rubbish friend, this is the biggest thing that has happened in her life as having a baby is the biggest thing in yours, unfortunately it is very hard to see another persons point of view when your are in the midst of a massive life event.
Call her and say something similar to what I have said above, you should be able to come out of this with your friendship intact.
Good Luck with the Baby x

She may be upset that you chose to get pregnant at a time that makes it impossible for you to be her bridesmaid. I'm not saying she us right but it may be how she is feeling. Ultimately you want to stay friends and the best way may be to have that conversation now and probably bow out due to distance etc.