Best friend won't allow newborn at wedding

[Londoner1983]

Hello,

First time on here and need some advice please! Currently pregnant with my first baby so exciting times ahead!

My baby is due 3/4 weeks before my best friends wedding which I was meant to be bridesmaid for. My friend and her husband have got a no child policy at their wedding but being her best friend I hoped they would make an exception and allow me to still be bridesmaid, stay in the hotel where wedding is and nip off when I need time or to feed as baby will still be newborn. They have said we can't bring the baby so my parents offered to come and look after it(wedding is 3hours from where we live!). I agreed to this but then got told we couldn't be in the hotel as room is cramped for parents and don't want them faffing with prams during the wedding day.

It was then decided that we stay in a cottage on the grounds and I can go out to feed there when needed. As the time has gone on we have realised what an ask this is and that we don't feel comfortable leaving a baby so young even though I trust my parents completely. When we have tried to explain they said they can't make an exception for our baby otherwise it would mean they'd have to invite other peoples.

I am so hurt and confused as the bride is my best friend who I thought would want me there no matter what. All they have gone on about is how I won't be able to do my bridesmaid duties(not sure what these involve tbh and there are 2 others). After speaking to her husband, it's been decided I'll just go as a guest so I can go when needed and just be there for the bits I can be. However this still doesn't address the fact I don't want to leave it and that I wanted to be there for most of the day with them to celebrate.

After speaking to other friends, they have said we should say if baby doesn't go, we don't but so hard to say this to your closest friend! Any advice would be great.

Thank you!

I wouldn't bother personally. Stay at home with your baby.

Just re- read your post (properly) OP . My suggestion of keeping the baby with you and feeding as and when (i.e. possibly almost continously) obviously isnt 'on' if she doesnt want sight or sound of it.
I am forced to agree with others .Bow out politely saying your midwife has advised against . Makes me realise how lucky I was to feel my PFB (and PSB) were so welcome.

I feel a bit sorry for your friend-I dont know if she's having a traditional wedding but the bit about being 'for the propagation of children' etc is going to sound a bit hollow. I invited all my friends to bring their children to our wedding:the local ones declined as they fancied a day off(though a Grandma brought one to give me a horseshoe outside the church) There were two 4 year olds, an 9m old (we'd announced our engagement to lots of friends at his baptism) and a six week old (daughter of an ex flatmate . I spent a lot of time cuddling her . It was apparently pretty obvious that 'one of those' was what I wanted next!). Listening to the tape after ,I realised one of the 4 year olds had called out our names during the reception speeches but I never noticed at the time . It was so lovely seeing them there and thy were very well behaved.

That was my initial thought Zucker. Glad I'm not the only one who thought it!

Whatever you choose to do ask yourself these questions.

Do you want your friend holding your baby at his/her first birthday, laughing with you and sharing a glass of bubbly.

Do you want to be there at her first wedding anniversary laughing and sharing a glass of bubbly?

Do you want to hold her hand when/if she is pregnant?

Do you want to hold her newborn child and share experiences?

She isn't much of a friend. Definitely don't go. It would be hell. You need comfy clothes, a sofa, a box set, just enjoy your newborn and invite your friend over afterwards to make a big fuss of her wedding video and photos and get a blow by blow account of the day.

Of course you're gutted to miss it but take it from all these mums, it is not a good idea.

People do amazing things like attend weddings and go on holidays with newborns. If your friend was flexible perhaps you could have tried to go, but with an attitude that bans prams in the hotel (wtf????) then it's not worth trying.

Here's hoping she will look back and cringe.

I disagree with everyone who says your friend has an absolute right to demand no children. I don't think that right applies to very small babies who are completely dependent - instead of saying I don't want crying children spoiling my wedding (fair enough), it becomes 'I don't want you there enough to change these rules' because that is what is really being said when the baby is that age. While I don't have children myself I think I am comfortable assuming all 'no children' on wedding invitations excludes tiny babies because I don't like to think any friends of mine having a wedding would be so rude. If it's made clear they are excluded then the appropriate response is I would have loved to come but it isn't possible without baby X.

If she is a close/best friend, she would want you there no matter.
I know that sounds harsh but even she has no clue about newborns, surely if your bond is that close, you could explain to her the ins and outs of breastfeeding requirements and that there should be a newborn baby exception....they are highly dependent on their mums/parents so early on.

If she still doesn't budge and remains so very narrow minded, I would cull the friendship. No friend does that. She is being totally unreaonable.

Agree with PP - I wouldnt go.

DS1 - I would have been physically ok (tho with only a minute warning to get to the loo) but he had reflux and threw up all the time and didnt sleep so it would have been a nightmare

DS2 - a very obliging, sleepy baby who would have been fine. I however had complications after the birth and was barely allowed to leave the house at that age plus had lots of treatment/drs appointments etc.

At 3 weeks with my first I would have been in no state to go to a wedding, even with the baby.

I was just a mess physically and emotionally and breastfeeding was not established.

I think for a first timer, breastfeeding a 3 week old baby in public all day long would be quite an achievement. Better women than I have managed it, but it's not easy for everyone.

At that age the idea of "feeds" that you can go off and do just isn't realistic.

You will probably be feeding on and off all day. The people talking about sitting at home with your top off aren't kidding. Sometimes in the early days it's not really worth putting your boobs away

I think bowing out now and not getting into conversations about bringing the baby is the best way forward to preserve your friendship.

I went to a best friends wedding with my 8 day old and almost 3 yr old, was totally fine. My friend was desperate for us all to be there, I also performed a reading, I would NOT have gone if I had felt in any way unwelcome to do so, more for my sake than there's. I agree that it is totally a brides prerogative to decide no children at all but unfortunately this does mean that some people will not/cannot attend. Not attending will be a shame but it's her loss, hopefully she will realise when she's in the same boat!

I don't think weddings are for kids personally but I find it out people don't want newborns there, but that's another topic. agree with most people that say don't go. When you're pregnant your intentions are good and I was thinking I would be up and about able to do stuff oh how I've been proved wrong!

As everyone else has said there are so many variables that means it's impossible to predict how you feel but I would say you probably won't be up for it mainly because of the three hour journey, some days your baby will just feed and feed and you can't do that in a car.

A true friend, no matter what their knowledge of babies is, will understand you're decision. It may seem hard now to say no but I suspect when the day comes around you'll be glad you're not there. I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well

Find it odd not out! Stupid autocorrect

At 7:15pm 3 weeks and 1 day post birth I went to the loo and suddenly started bleeding heavily.
I lost huge amounts of blood that night and ended up in hospital. It was very scary.
I had a really straightforward birth, only two stitches, discharged day after giving birth. My point is, that close to having had the baby your body can be totally unpredictable and you just have no idea what might happen. Imagine being admitted to a strange hospital 3 hours from home and then your DP being told to leave at night...
I don't want to scare you just make you aware of the possibilities.
I'm 7 weeks post birth now and still bleeding, I still wouldn't be up for a wedding!

That is ridiculous of your friend. If she wants you there and you have a very small baby then she has to realise you come together as a package. You can't leave a bf 2/3 week old.

I went to my DP's best friends wedding when DS was 3 weeks old. It was a child free wedding but of course they made an exception (they actually added us on last minute as we had declined the invitation as the wedding was just a couple of days after my due date, but DS came early). One mutual friend did have a bitch about DS coming as her DS wasn't allowed, but he was 13 months so a bit different! That pissed me right off I have to say!

Eesh, we've been invited to a wedding that is about a month after due date.

I have no qualms in declining invitation. It's a family wedding and I'm sure everyone would love to see baby BUT it's 2.5hrs away and what if baby's late? Or I have a c-section?

Too many variables to think of! Much rather lounge about in my home caring for baby.

Good luck for when baby arrives. Hope its a nice/smooth/quick labour dreams that own one will be quick

I was BM at my BF wedding when DC2 was five weeks old - the wedding was overseas and I had a fabulous time on the day (although the trip itself staying with a bunch of friends with no kids was miserable and stressful) mostly because my DH was amazing juggling tiny breast fed baby and 14mth toddler and my BF was amazing in her efforts to accommodate me and the baby.

Looking back I took an awful lot for granted but I am so so glad I was there for the wedding.

Conversely I went to another wedding when dc2 was 4mths old and wasn't invited. I put in all sorts of complicated childcare arrangements only to get to wedding and meet another woman who'd been allowed to bring her baby and I was utterly devastated and had a miserable time.

Weddings and babies are such complicated times - it is natural to feel that your event is the most important in the world. And of course they are to you. Try and compromise - a face to face talk about reality of the logistics but if it's still not possible bow out gracefully and console yourself with the fact that she will cringe at her behaviour when she has her own DC

Just email her with "I'm really sorry but after spending a while trying to sort out the logistics of how I can be there for your wedding, I've had to conclude that it's just not possible given the various restrictions. I will be thinking of you on the day and would love to meet up with you after you're back from honeymoon so you can tell me all about it."

bathtime yy, I wasn't even showering or brushing my teeth properly 3 weeks after my first. It was all rather chaotic. imagine having to pack, travel 3 hours and look presentable .

I also agree that you shouldn't go, I don't see how it is logistically possible. And even if you're not breastfeeding you won't want to leave your brand new squishy baby.

But if you do decide you want to go, could you book a room in the hotel and your DH could stay up in the room the whole time with baby and hopefully the bride will be guilt tripped into letting baby come down to the wedding once everyone finds out your DH is stuck upstairs because she doesn't want a baby stealing her attention.

The thing about having a baby is to hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

Lots of women can and do have great experiences of pregnancy, birth and post birth. Lots don't.
You've been given a fair few examples here of reasons why it may not be practical and there are many more.

Sadly a wedding isn't often something that you can wait and see how you feel before deciding to attend so to be fair to yourself, your parents, your baby and your friend I'd suggest bowing out now.

I can't imagine a wedding without children! (But then I spent most of the 1980s attending wedding receptions, drinking coke with an umbrella in as a pretend cocktail, and having a whale of a time!)

However it is personal choice and you do have to respect that. However the couple do also have to respect that for some people that will mean making a choice not to go.

I'm not sure what point is being made above about does the OP want to be toasting the bride at her first anniversary or holding her hand when she announces Her pregnancy - friendship is a two way thing, and it is not all on the OP, who has already worked quite hard to find a way to be there and had it all thrown in her face by the bride.

I just wouldn't go and leave my newborn. You'll be thinking about him/her the whole time plus having to pop out regularly. Your mind won't be on the day.

I think everything your 'friend' has said about your attempts at making this work, shows quite clearly that she really isn't a good friend at all.
I disagree with all the "it's their day" stuff that people roll out about weddings as I think it's a green light to a lot of self-indulgent, entitled nonsense - as evidenced here, whereby she is clearly happy to push you under a bus in order not to have your baby potentially steal her thunder on the day. Whoever heard of anything so ridiculous as not wanting a pram to be seen in the grounds?
I do understand the general 'no children at weddings' sentiment, and we restricted ours to immediate nieces and nephews, plus the bridesmaid's 6 week old. Everyone understood the 'rule,' and frankly, anyone complaining would have had to get over it. The bride here is just making excuses, as she clearly just doesn't want it.
Whose decision was it, by the way, that you should bow out ASAP bridesmaid?

I'm in a minority here too in that I don't think people have a right to dictate the 'terms' of their wedding (including making it child-free) if that makes the guest's life so much more difficult.

I don't think it's an honour to be a guest/ bridesmaid/ whatever at a friend's wedding. I do think it's an honour for the bride and groom if people come and celebrate your wedding with you. You should be grateful to the guests for giving up their time, money, annual leave etc. it's a big expense, esp with travel and a big deal.

So I think you should plan a wedding that (within sensible bounds) means the people you really want there are able to come, actually enjoy themselves and celebrate with you. Just like how you'd plan a party.

If you don't want to cater for your guests' requirements and for you it's about having the day a very particular way to suit you, then I think a better option is probably eloping/ just having witnesses.

Hope you are able to do what works for you OP, including not going as an option.