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Original poster

Best friend won't allow newborn at wedding

127 replies

Londoner1983 · 22/02/2015 19:51

Hello,

First time on here and need some advice please! Currently pregnant with my first baby so exciting times ahead!

My baby is due 3/4 weeks before my best friends wedding which I was meant to be bridesmaid for. My friend and her husband have got a no child policy at their wedding but being her best friend I hoped they would make an exception and allow me to still be bridesmaid, stay in the hotel where wedding is and nip off when I need time or to feed as baby will still be newborn. They have said we can't bring the baby so my parents offered to come and look after it(wedding is 3hours from where we live!). I agreed to this but then got told we couldn't be in the hotel as room is cramped for parents and don't want them faffing with prams during the wedding day.

It was then decided that we stay in a cottage on the grounds and I can go out to feed there when needed. As the time has gone on we have realised what an ask this is and that we don't feel comfortable leaving a baby so young even though I trust my parents completely. When we have tried to explain they said they can't make an exception for our baby otherwise it would mean they'd have to invite other peoples.

I am so hurt and confused as the bride is my best friend who I thought would want me there no matter what. All they have gone on about is how I won't be able to do my bridesmaid duties(not sure what these involve tbh and there are 2 others). After speaking to her husband, it's been decided I'll just go as a guest so I can go when needed and just be there for the bits I can be. However this still doesn't address the fact I don't want to leave it and that I wanted to be there for most of the day with them to celebrate.

After speaking to other friends, they have said we should say if baby doesn't go, we don't but so hard to say this to your closest friend! Any advice would be great.

Thank you!

OP posts:

DeliciousMonster · 22/02/2015 20:14

Your friend is more needy than a 3 week old baby. How precious is that?

Original poster

Londoner1983 · 22/02/2015 20:17

Appears that way Deliciousmonster! Thanks again everyone

OP posts:

CanISayOfHerFace · 22/02/2015 20:17

Before you potentially fall out over it are you sure you want to go? A three hour car journey with a c section wound or stitches from a vaginal birth will be very uncomfortable... Especially as you may only have had your baby two weeks before. I was swollen, bleeding and uncomfortable for a while and just wanted to sit on the sofa, feed my baby, get to know him, eat and sleep! It was a very precious time.

It's also a long journey with a newborn when you factor in stopping to give baby a break from the car seat, feeding and changing dirty nappies.

Of course your baby may pop out beautifully and you may ping straight back and feel great! I hope so

Just something to think about.

CanISayOfHerFace · 22/02/2015 20:22

Cross posted with A LOT of people!

huhpuh · 22/02/2015 20:26

Sorry to be a bit graphic but if you are 3/4 weeks post birth, you may not want to go anywhere at all - you might still look a bit pregnant, be bleeding, leaky boobs (whether bf or not) and you may have a baby that wants feeding every hour or so if you're in the middle of a growth spurt. You may, of course, look fab, locia stopped or slowing, got control of your boobs (please tell me how!) and have a perfect newborn who feeds every three hours on the dot for 20 mins and falls instantly a back to sleep.

What I'm trying to say is that you simply don't know. Factor in a three hour drive, being away from home and bear in mind that this might be the first time you've properly left the house since birth. Add on this wedding, which your friend is making very difficult for you and I'd be tempted to apologetically tell her you can't come, even if she allowed the baby to attend. Sounds like she's beings bit Bridezilla about the whole thing anyway. One day she may have a child and a tiny lightbulb will go on in her head and she'll realise how hard she made it for you.

I'm 35 weeks pregnant and we've just been invited to a wedding evening do when baby is c6 weeks old. It's 90 mins away, starts at 7pm and we also have a two year old toddler. I really like the couple but I've declined as its just too much of a faff and an unknown one at that. I've told hubby to go - not in a burning martyr way - so at least one of us gets to celebrate with the happy couple. I'll be staying home, in my PJs, smelling of milky sick. :-)

Good luck!

EdgeOfTheNight · 22/02/2015 20:27

Even if your friend changes her mind and says the baby is welcome, you can't commit to attending, never mind bring bridesmaid, it's too much pressure. The most you should offer is that you'll decide on the day whether to attend and watch the ceremony (as a family), no meal booked, but anyway as a pp suggested, aren't newborns supposed to be in a car seat for max 1hr a day? (Due to the sitting position, not the actual travelling.)

But yes lochia, stitches etc aside, you may just want to snuggle up with your lovely baby and stay at home even if you are physically up to it.

seaoflove · 22/02/2015 20:30

She is making it impossible for you to attend.

So, don't. And have a clear conscience. She could have accommodated you, but she didn't.

Original poster

Londoner1983 · 22/02/2015 20:31

We will explain that if possible, i.e feeling ok, baby ok etc we want to be there as much as possible but only if we can bring baby but I have a feeling they still won't budge.

OP posts:

WireCat · 22/02/2015 20:32

Pull out now.

Your baby could be late. You may have had a c-section.

Newborns feed lots, especially breast fed babies.

You've no idea how you'll feel emotionally.

Before I had my 1st, I thought I'd happily leave her with people I trusted. As it was, I wasn't even happy with DH holding her!

So long as your friend is understanding, I wouldn't use her saying the baby isn't allowed at the wedding as the reason you're not going. Tell her that as the birth approaches, you're feeling far more emotional than you thought you would & you really don't think you'll be able to travel & leave your baby, even with your parents.

Hope you get a good outcome.

And good luck with your baby x

seaoflove · 22/02/2015 20:35

Don't try to negotiate with them. Just tell them you can't come.

At a few weeks postpartum, chances are you won't be feeling remotely sociable and in the mood for dressing up and socialising all day. Personally, I was just about capable of showering, was very delicate mentally, and was still dealing with lochia and stitches. I needed to be at home.

luluthebear · 22/02/2015 20:36

If you go without baby/or had baby hidden away with grandma somewhere, your boobs will leak all over the place, you will be in agony, probably get mastitis, resent friend and be an emotional wreck, and hub will think you have completely lost the plot when you break down in tears and it will be a frigging nightmare. dont go. friend will understand one day.

WishUponAStar88 · 22/02/2015 20:37

I certainly wouldn't be going if the baby can't. Many posters have said that it wouldn't be a good day 3 weeks post partum anyway but I would definitely think about it if baby is welcome (not just with parents). My dd was just under 3 weeks when we went to a close friends wedding. Bf as needed and she otherwise slept through the day! I had a lovely time and was very glad I went but there is no way I would've gone without her.

WyrdByrd · 22/02/2015 20:39

Don't go. They've already made it clear they are unwilling to make any compromises on their 'big day' and be saying 'we'd like to be there if we can with baby' you are only dragging out the inevitable.

If baby is late it may only be 2 weeks old and both of you will probably be all over the place. Worst case scenario a 6 hour round trip with a C-section is not a good idea, never mind the baby in car seat factor and the fact you and your DH will be shattered.

Inertia · 22/02/2015 20:40

Your friend is being ridiculous. For all the reasons listed above - friend throwing every obstacle in the path of you being able to care for your baby as needed, the hotel shenanigans, the fact that you might actually only be a week or so post-partum and bleeding and leaking everywhere- it's easier just to say that you will pull out of the whole event now, before she confirms numbers with the venue.

Missjolly · 22/02/2015 20:40

Read this thread with interest as I was in exactly the same situation with my DS 1 who is now 4. My baby was a matter of weeks old when my friend got married at the other end of the country.

I had an emergency c section, was feeling super uncomfortable and in pain, was establishing breast feeding and everything else that came with having a newborn.

It was made clear from the offset that there was a no child rule at the wedding , and, tbh, my friend absolutely loathes children and has liittle empathy, if any, and prefers animals. Fair enough. Each to their own.

Long story short; I didn't go. Admittedly , I wasn't asked to be BM and we weren't exceptionally close, but I couldn't leave my baby physically as I wasn't up to it but also I didn't want to leave him either.

My baby came first and although said friend wasn't particularly happy, my gut instinct was to stay with my child and that he was my priority.

Of course I sent my apologies and tried to make it up to her afterwards- but that made little difference. With hindsight, I don't know why I got myself so worried about it .

Four years down the line I rarely speak to said friend anymore. In fact, she hasn't even met my now four year old.

Op this is just my experience but you must do what's right for you and go with your gut. You sound like a lovely person and friendship works both ways.

Good luck

Nolim · 22/02/2015 20:41

Politely decline.

anothernumberone · 22/02/2015 20:43

I went to a wedding 2 weeks after Dd1 was born, she was FF and I was post c section. It was a 2 hour journey and turned out to be a scorcher of a day. It was really irresponsible of us to go but we were the 'a child won't change us brigade'. Our 2 week old spent over 4 hours in a car seat to attend. I think back now and even though it all went ok I ask what on earth were we thinking. I looked really shit as well, getting ready with a 2 week old and s bizarre post natal tummy is far more difficult than you would think.

TerrifiedMothertobe · 22/02/2015 20:44

Realistically, a wedding is the last thing you will want to be at with a 3 week old. You may be feeding for 3/4 hours pretty much full stop.

Just bail now and don't worry. Honestly.

anothernumberone · 22/02/2015 20:45

2 hours each way, we did not stay. Like I said we were idiots.

meglet · 22/02/2015 20:45

Don't go. Plan to be pottering about at home in pj's with a newborn.

As wyrd has already said, a 6 hour round trip post birth (or cs!) with a newborn would be miserable and quite painful.

gamerchick · 22/02/2015 20:45

Don't use it as a threat. Just back out.

If you use it as a threat and she relents and then you find you're simply not up to it then your friendship could be irreparably damaged.

It's highly irritating when you've paid for people and they don't come and there was no way I could have been parted from my babies that young. Even the other side.of the room you miss them.

redspottydress · 22/02/2015 20:47

Try not to fall out over it though. Your friend has no idea and is caught up in her wedding excitement. She may be upset and disappointed that you can't be bridesmaid and is not reacting to that in the best way. We're you already pregnant when she asked you to be bridesmaid?

cowmop · 22/02/2015 20:52

I would also pull out. We went to a friends daughters Christening when ds was 2 1/2 weeks old as we were God parents. It was literally just the service and a quick sandwich in the church hall afterwards, but I ended up having a total melt down. Ds was crying, our 16 month old dd was niggling, I felt like the worst mum ever as I couldn't get either of them to calm down I felt hugely guilty, and just couldn't stop crying, but couldn't leave as we "had duties".
I think the 2-3 week mark is really hard with newborns, the sleep deprivation is kicking in, baby blues are rife and too top it off you're bleeding like you wouldn't believe. It is also a really joyous time though and I think it's a shame to spoil it by putting yourself under unnecessary pressure.

Blazing88 · 22/02/2015 20:52

Just don't go. But I don't think your friend is unreasonable. It's her day.

But you're pregnant and having a baby. Seriously. Stress about that, instead of stressing about her wedding day!

Stay at home. Enjoy your newborn. It's just one day. Really not worth falling out over. Definitely not worth trying to work out how to do it post giving birth (trust me, you probably won't be in any fit state to enjoy yourself anyway)

No brainer to me?! Your pregnancy clashed with her wedding day. Your pregnancy/baby comes first. Not unreasonable, but not unreasonable of her to want a grown up/civilised wedding either! Just a clash. No ones fault!

toomanywheeliebins · 22/02/2015 20:53

I recently attended a wedding in rural Scotland. It was no child thing and quite a big ask as it was two days babysitting for someone as most of the guests were London based. About fifty couples had left their children.One of the bridesmaids had her second child. It was about three weeks old. She was feeding it and the other child was at home. No one battered an eye. Seriously. It was a newborn. Everyone understood.
Contrast this with another really close friend who asked me to leave my breast fed bottle refusing 5 month old at home for their wedding. I didn't go. We have drifted apart since

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