Vegan wedding causing issues

[WeddingProblem]

We are getting married in a few months. Registry office then a meal in a restaurant for 40 guests. I’m vegan. My partner and kids are happy to eat vegan for our wedding (they’re a mix of vegan, vegetarian and meat eater) so we have booked a vegan restaurant.

A couple of relatives have told another relative that they’re not happy with the restaurant choice being vegan and might not come to our wedding because of it. The relative asked what the issue is, whether they had any allergies/intolerances, but no, it’s purely because they don’t want to eat a vegan meal.

We haven’t addressed it with them and I’m not sure how to. I’ll definitely wait for them to bring it up. I’m hoping they won’t, but if they do, how would you deal with it? My partner, relative that told me and friends all say to just say it’s a shame if you can’t come but we understand. One person thinks we should change restaurant 😬 but I don’t feel we should have to do that for our wedding and it’s just one meal.

What would you do? Of the people attending, roughly half are vegan or vegetarian and we’ve had lots of positive comments about the restaurant we’ve picked even from some of the meat eaters.

OP you sound really lovely and thoughtful. I hope you have a special day.

I'm a real meat eater and wouldn't care whats served on the day. Honestly your caterers could serve me a jam sandwich and I’d just be grateful to be fed and over joyed/honored to celebrate a loved ones union. Precious moments!

please don’t give a second thought to your aunt and uncle, if they come they come, if they don't they don’t. I wonder if they are so snowed under looking after their child, they might have anxiety about leaving them?

If they'd rather miss your wedding that eat one meal in their lifetime that contained no meat, fish, eggs or dairy, then they either think little of you, or have a very weird obsession with food.

It is possible that they imagine a vegan meal will be some sort of unpleasant concoction of fake meat. So you may have to reassure them (as you would a 6 year old), that lots of the foods they eat already are vegan, like chips and bread, veg and salad, and that they'll be available so they won't starve in the few hours between their bacon sandwich and a kebab on the way home.

I eat a pretty wide range of food but there isn’t a lot of vegan meals I get along with due to a combination of allergies and personal dislikes (mushrooms and beans). There are plenty of vegan snacks and sides which I really enjoy but full meals, less so (based on my experiences to date).

I was vegetarian for a while, and then pescatarian, so I’m very onboard with the ideology (I’m just weak-willed!)

However I don’t really enjoy communal meals that much where there’s a fixed menu anyway - I prefer to choose what I eat. So tbh, the wedding menu never really registers much with me because it’s not often something I’d choose to eat, given the chance. I can’t imagine being bothered by a vegan menu any more than I’m bothered by any other wedding menu!

The only slight concern I would have is the bride and groom paying for my meal and it not being eaten/picked at. But again, that’s the same at any wedding really and nothing to do with being vegan!

I’d always be willing to try the food, providing there were no mushrooms/beans/allergens. I might like it, I might not - but either way it would have no bearing on whether I attended the wedding! I’m coming to celebrate the wedding of someone special - the food really is irrelevant.

I suppose with hindsight maybe a vegetarian restaurant rather than vegan might have been easier for people to accept - but that depends on how strongly you feel about eggs, cheese, and milk. I know some vegans who avoid eggs/cheese/honey/milk but are fairly ambivalent while others are violently opposed to them.

Ultimately though, people should be coming because they love you, not because they’ll get a big meal of their favourite foods! You sound really kind OP - don’t change your restaurant now because of a few grumbles. Have the vegan wedding you want!!

Or even if anyone does check, they don't refuse to go if it's something they don't fancy! 😆 Not 'can't eat' just don't fancy.

Vegans not wanting to eat dairy and meat: fine.

Veggies not wanting to eat meat: fine.

Meat eaters refusing to go to a meal because it's GASP! 😱 VEGAN FOOD: daft, childish, and a bit pathetic.

As I said earlier, the OP should just go with it, and say 'awww that's a shame, you'll be missing a good time. Never mind.'

Frankly people like this not going would suit me down to the ground. The wedding will be better without them quite frankly.

Eh!? I’m a keen meat eater but I couldn’t care less about it - it’s YOUR wedding! I’d be interested in the menu and looking forward to spending the day with you.

I haven't read the whole thread, I just wanted to add my opinion. It is perfectly reasonable for you to choose somewhere that has a full menu that suits you. Why should you go somewhere to suit the meat eaters, where you can be sure the vegan choices will be minimal. It's your day, not theirs, go where you want and bloody well enjoy yourselves. By the way, I am a meat eater but would happily eat vegan for someone elses special day.

My best mates wedding was a hog roast in marquee in a field 4 hours drive away. He also had barrels or real ale. I don't drink and I don't eat pork products. I did the eight hour round trip to attend his wedding, and I ate the salad. I went to celebrate his marriage because I love him. I would have travelled further and ate nothing if needs be because I love him. You can't please all the people all of the time. On your wedding you please yourself. People who love you and want to celebrate with you will make the effort regardless.

It makes sense you would have a vegan wedding. It's one meal. People can deal with it. They obviously lack imagination and culinary skills if they don't understand that a vegan meal can be just as good.

My son is vegan and I'd expect him to have a vegan wedding. If anyone had a problem with it, I'd encourage him to stick with his plan for his wedding. They can come or not.

Do you think they'll actually bring it up though? Won't they just decline the invitation?
I think it's okay to be a bit selfish on your wedding day and anyone who won't eat vegan food (like my DH) can stay home.
Why will it cause drama? If they bring it up just say this is what we've chosen and if you can't come that's a shame we'll see you another time.

I'm a meat eater and not religious

I have been to all types of religious weddings and weddings that served vegetarian food.

I accept the invitation to go and celebrate a couple getting married, I don't worry about the fact they have different food tastes or maybe a different type of culture or religion - I try and respect their day in the best way possible.

Its not the last meal im ever going to eat and really the marriage is about the ceremony, the coming together of two people, the sitting down and eating together with the guests is part of the celebration, but the food itself shouldn't be that important to the guests that they would avoid a wedding if the food isn't to their flavour.

@Anyanyany @BatchCookBabe @RampantIvy Fair point that it came across as too broad a generalisation. I apologise for being ageist, I should have been more careful and thoughtful. I was speaking from my own family experiences rather than making claims about all older people. I've had many conversations with relatives who think vegan diets are all ultra processed, fake foods and are quite suspicious of it. My intention was to suggest the couple might have similar concerns and that OP could head them off by walking family through the menu. I can see how it read as more sweeping than I meant it, sorry for causing offence.

This is how I see it. Just a different way of looking at it @WeddingProblem whilst agreeing that it is your wedding and your choice.

For many people, particularly the older generation, it’s not about “needing meat” as much as perhaps being a little anxious about vegan food/food they’ve never eaten before.

My lovely small town-living in-laws were traditional meat and two veg eaters, the veg being the type you grow in the UK ie potatoes, carrots, turnip, leeks etc. They would have no idea about what to chose off a fully vegan menu and they would have been anxious about making a fool of themselves by not knowing. People are talking about dhal, aubergine stew etc - my in laws would not have been able to tell you what these were let alone order at a wedding/function. My FIL had never even eaten pasta or yoghurt as they were just never given them growing up in the small mining town they lived in.

I think it is different if people are more worldly and are just being a bit fussy. I loved my ILs dearly and always wanted them to feel comfortable so I would have ensured their eating tastes were catered for. Especially being elderly I wouldn’t have wanted them skipping a meal.

Appreciate that people who’ve never lived the type of life my ILs did might not be able to understand just how out of their comfort zone something liked this would make them.

@WeddingProblem I would un-invite them.

Honestly don't worry about it. I have come to the conclusion that it is entirely impossible to organise a wedding without managing to piss at least one person off! A wedding is about the couple - if you want to have a vegan wedding or a child free wedding or alcohol free wedding then crack on. Those that love you will make the effort, those who can't get through a day without having a meat free meal or no alcohol simply need to decline - it's a wedding not a summons. I say this as a meat eater (predominantly because It would appear that I cannot make a nice tasty veggie or vegan meal for love nor money!). I hope you have a lovely time and congratulations on your engagement and your wedding 💍

Definitely do not alter your plans it is your special day not the guests day. We are both vegetarian abd would be thrilled to be invited to a vegan restaurant as we are so used to every occasion we ever go to there’s nothing for us to eat and then people also start commenting on what we do eat. One ‘delightful’ wedding breakfast I attended the grooms brother decided to go into all the gross details of insects and so on he had eaten in Asia. Whilst I was trying to eat my meal, it was disgusting.

So no stick to your plans. Your aunt and uncle are having a nice hotel paid for for the night, fed and watered. If they choose to they can select to eat less at the restaurant and order themselves a takeaway later after your wedding.

enjoy your wedding (We are engaged 5 years now not married as both of our families absolutely hit the roof about our plans and all refused to attend…..the fact that we were going to have a vegetarian afternoon tea so there would be something everyone ate, there was a gluten free option and a vegan option for a few of the guests, seemed to be the final straw for all of them!!!)

I love how angry some people are on this thread about a wedding they're not even going to 😂

Indeed.

I'm just irritated at the narrow mindedness of these posters.

Their opinions are totally irrelevant.

It wouldn't bother me but it would bother my husband as hes a proper carnivore.
Are you paying for your guests?
Im surprised there are so many veggies/vegans when they are normally the minority.
Being a vegan is your choice as eating meat is the choice of the meat eaters. Would you be happy to eat meat at a meat eaters wedding as they eat meat, its their wedding and their choice? If not perhaps the meat eaters feel the same with it being the other way round 🤔

Your husband just eats meat?? Just has a plate full of meat? Do you ever eat out? What’s his weight like? Does he have any digestion issues?

I don’t think that’s true, that he’s a proper carnivore and I’m sure out of 21 meals in a week that he can do without one meal of those not eating meat?

Vegans eat no meat! So it’s not a case of they’re not keen on meat (like I assume your husband isn’t keen on vegetables, pulses, fruit, bread, carbs etc) it’s that they don’t eat meat at all ever.

Ita a bit petty for just one meal to refuse. But I do know some people are militantly anti vegan, I imagine they have to be this kind of person to outrightly refuse to attend. I guess similar to if you were asked to a wedding that only served meat and would have to eat it. This is how strongly some people feel about vegan food. Nonsensical, but they do.
I am a meat eater but went in a vegan retreat and if I could cook like the chefs there then I would be vegan too.
Is there going To be a set menu? Or can they choose what to eat?

@ByUniqueViper

your husband could suck it up for one meal surely??

So he never eats vegetables? Fruit? Pulses? Grains?

I cook for 60-100 people and I'd say about 1/3rd are veggie or vegan so it's often easier to cook one meal. Yes degrees rays jokes about when it's the meat coming, but there's also never any left overs when I make a chickpea curry or a mulligatawny soup and the best chocolate desserts are always vegan. I'd be worried if an adults diet was so disordered thry couldn't cope eating a meal without meat for one meal.

Why am I narrow minded? I’m not a vegan so the food isn’t my preference. I wouldn’t mention it to the people whose wedding it was, it’s their choice and they can do what they want. My best friend had a hog roast in the evening at her wedding, there was a vegetarian there who said to me she didn’t like the smell…she’s entitled to that view too.

Are you always so pompous?

People of the older generation can be quite confused by veganism

🤣 fuck me, you do realise the Vegan Society was founded in 1944? By people from the Greatest Generation? That’s not me bigging them up, in case you’re ‘confused’, it’s just the name of the one before the Silent Generation and the Boomers.
Hilarious. 🤣

Wow that's so disappointing for you, I'm so sorry your auntie and uncle are putting a downer on what you tried to make sure was a low stress wedding for you, but also low/no financial burden for your friends and family who are attending. You are being incredibly generous by paying for accommodation and travel for some guests on top of food and drink at the event, all while insisting on no gifts.

My kids and I are vegan, my OH isn't anymore sadly but the food at our wedding was vegan. Maybe there were some guests who were apprehensive about the food, but to be honest we didn't specify in advance that it would be vegan (it wasn't at a vegan restaurant so guests wouldn't have known just by googling the venue), so I'm sure lots of guests hadn't even thought about it in advance. Nobody said anything negative on the day (to my face!) - it free food and free bar in a beautiful setting on a lovely summer's day and the guests were just pleased to be together, so everyone was happy! That's what weddings and parties are about, being together! I actually saw I bunch of my meat-eating family members today, a few of whom are livestock farmers and keen shooters and they were talking about how much they loved our wedding, so obviously the food didn't ruin the day for them!

Your auntie and uncle an eat whatever they want for breakfast before they come to ensure they've had their fill of meat/animal excretions for the day if they're so worried!

I honestly wouldn't give it another thought - remind them of the RSVP deadline and just ask them to let you know if they're coming or not by that deadline. If they chose not to come, it says more about them than about you. If you didn't eat a certain food for religious reasons people wouldn't expect you to serve that food at your wedding, I don't see how veganism is any different.

And to the guest whining about not being able to have Baileys:

1. Get a grip
2. Free bars rarely include a wide selection of drinks anyway, it's usually beer, wine, soft drinks and maybe a spirit/mixer like G&T. I've never seen Baileys in the bar menu of a free bar!
3. I'm sure there is a vegan Baileys if you desperately wanted to appease this ungrateful guest, but I wouldn't bother after how they've treated you.