Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
UK travel

Welcome to our UK travel forum where you can get advice on everything from holidays to exotic destinations, to tips on London travel.

Original poster

Being away from My Child for 8 months.

180 replies

user1478250761 · 04/11/2016 11:00

Hi

We have made a decision, Next year I will be away working in a remote location for 8 months.

Why? Simple the money. If I was offered double what I could earn in the UK I would turn it down.

My son turns 2 December 27th and being away from him for that amount of time (I am afraid we cannot skype, but phone calls are 'manageable' because of the location).

I am putting things in place, like recording videos and have a cuddly toy with a picture of me on it.

But To say this is easy is not the case, when I first accepted it, I cried...loads.

I then spoke to people in the navy who are away a lot and they have been great.

What I am asking is when I am away, while I accept he will be taller and talek more when I get back will i miss much else? Will this damage his development?

OP posts:
frazzlebedazzle · 04/11/2016 13:50

I'm amazed at such unequivocal responses, ie it WILL or it WON'T harm the child's development.

Surely there has to be at least a risk it will harm the child's development, assuming the OP is a primary carer. Brain development in the first three years is enormous and pathways are still being formed.

Understandable as the OP's position may be (male OR female), a change in primary carer at this stage is going to have some sort of impact. However, much will depend on your current set up, you, your relationship, your child, and how you manage it, before, during after you go. If it's happening either way, there are certainly things that can be done to mitigate any issues. Previous posters have already made some great suggestions.

Good luck OP.

FWIW I don't think the comments on this thread are particularly sexist, and agree it's the relationship not the sex of the OP that matters. However, YY to women being judged in general - I've had one night away from DD in 16months (during which she was with DH) and STILL had a judgey comment or two! No one bats an eyelid if DH has a night off!

Kione · 04/11/2016 13:52

Oh you are the father! should be all right then Hmm

Another idea: recordable books for bedtime. My dad lives away and him and his wife recorded one for my daughter, she adores them and she loves it, she's had it for a few years we had to replace the battery twice. You could buy a few, record them all before you go, and have your partner bring one at a time over the 8 months. You will still be doing the bedtime story :)

BoffinMum · 04/11/2016 13:53

OK

Let's say, with my academic hat on, that on the basis of the available evidence, the balance of probability is that it would be unlikely to harm a two-year-old's development in any significant sense given that there will be a primary carer in place on a regular and continuing basis.

Happy now?

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 04/11/2016 13:53

OP good for you for investing in your child's future.

A lot of people have gone on about affecting his attachment through your absence.

However, what about the positive stabilising effect that will come through owning a home of your own near to your work? That will mean no moving every 2-3 years, possibly from the school catchment area, when the landlord you're renting from decides to sell up. It may mean you can afford to work closer to home in future and be around more.

So yeah, go for it and feel no guilt.

FWIW, my dad worked in diplomacy and was away for months and months at a time. It was fine.

Alligatorpie · 04/11/2016 13:56

OP I am sure this was a difficult decision for you and not one that you and your partner took lightly.
My advice is to leave lots of videos / pictures for your dc to watch. Encourage your df and dm to talk about you often to help him to remember you.
There is a company that will record your voice reading a book - does he have a favorite book? Might be worth looking into.
I live overseas and although dh and I are from different continents (and we live on a third) our children have always had a connection with their grandparents - and yes, they have gone more than 8 months visiting without visiting them.
If your ds has a birthday while you are away, leave a gift (or at least write the card now) so he has something to get from you - on the day! Same with Valentine's / Easter...whatever you would do for him if you were home.
I hope things go ok for you.

BoffinMum · 04/11/2016 13:57

I would also qualify that with on the basis of the available evidence, it is likely, on balance, to enhance the health and education outcomes of the two-year-old concerned in the medium to long term, on account of the uplift in financial capital for the family as a whole.

There you go. And that's my professional opinion as an academic in a related field, and expert witness.

steppemum · 04/11/2016 14:23

Here are some practical tips:

  1. If you have a significant role in his care now, make sure you have handed iver well before you leave, so that he is well setlled with the new primary carer while you are still around.
  2. Put up pictures of you around the house, doing lots of ordinary everyday stuff.
  3. Make a story photo book, something like this: (picture to go with each sentence)
Mummy and daddy and ds live in xxx street. Here is their house They have a goldfish called Y and a teddy called Z. Then daddy had to go away to work. ds and Mummy helped him to pack his case Then Daddy got on a plane and they waved goodbye. Mummy and ds felt sad that daddy was away. daddy felt sad too Daddy was busy (building a bridge, digging for oil, whatever) Mummy and ds were busy playing and going to nursery (or whatever) ds and Mummy sent daddy pictures Sometimes Daddy could phone home. When ds is nearly 3 Daddy will come back on another plane. Ds and Mummy and daddy will all live in our house again.

These sort of story books are really helpful for children to explain what is going on when a parent is away.

Having lived overseas myself with several times when we were seperated for 2-3 months, I would say this harder thing is going to be to maintain a good relationship with your wife. We struggled with that even over 3 months, it was so hard just not being there each day. You do have to work at it, and it will take time to resettle when you come home.

BoffinMum · 04/11/2016 14:37

Story book idea is absolutely fantastic.

BoffinMum · 04/11/2016 14:38

DH got DS1 a Lego kit representing what he did professionally at one point and this was very useful in describing absences.

Original poster
user1478250761 · 04/11/2016 15:19

Here are some practical tips:

  1. If you have a significant role in his care now, make sure you have handed iver well before you leave, so that he is well setlled with the new primary carer while you are still around.
  2. Put up pictures of you around the house, doing lots of ordinary everyday stuff.
  3. Make a story photo book, something like this: (picture to go with each sentence)
Mummy and daddy and ds live in xxx street. Here is their house They have a goldfish called Y and a teddy called Z. Then daddy had to go away to work. ds and Mummy helped him to pack his case Then Daddy got on a plane and they waved goodbye. Mummy and ds felt sad that daddy was away. daddy felt sad too Daddy was busy (building a bridge, digging for oil, whatever) Mummy and ds were busy playing and going to nursery (or whatever) ds and Mummy sent daddy pictures Sometimes Daddy could phone home. When ds is nearly 3 Daddy will come back on another plane. Ds and Mummy and daddy will all live in our house again.

These sort of story books are really helpful for children to explain what is going on when a parent is away.

Having lived overseas myself with several times when we were seperated for 2-3 months, I would say this harder thing is going to be to maintain a good relationship with your wife. We struggled with that even over 3 months, it was so hard just not being there each day. You do have to work at it, and it will take time to resettle when you come home.

This is brilliant Thank You

OP posts:
Spingroll16 · 04/11/2016 15:27

No amount of money could ever make me go away from my child for that long.

Sorry.

PoldarksBreeches · 04/11/2016 15:36

Well there you go. You aren't the primary attachment figure so your child will be ok. You will have some serious reparations to do when you get back.
If you had said that in the first place this thread would have been much shorter.

PoldarksBreeches · 04/11/2016 15:36

But I suspect you know that.

SpunkyMummy · 04/11/2016 15:37

spring

I think these statements are extremely condescending. Millions of people do this everyday. Many women leave their children to work as nannies in an other country, for example.

Sure, with the life you lead you may feel this way. But if your situation were to change drastically...? I highly doubt 'no amount of money' could ever convince you to leave your child for that long. Especially if you had a mother and a DP that would look after the child.

InTheDessert · 04/11/2016 16:14

Go. Your child will be fine. He has 2 other people who love him, and a place he knows to keep continuity in his little life.
You have had some amazing ideas for ways to keep your voice and face alive with your child.
Yes, your son will change imensly in the time you are away. But you have a very valid reason for doing what you are doing.

Also think about putting some effort into your relationship with your wife. We were apart from DH for 4 months. The kids were fine. I found it tough - but I was also preparing to pack up our life and move abroad. You won't have this complication.

Skype isn't the best with little people. They can't always relate the picture on the screen with the person. I remember maybe 3 year old DS2 walking behind the screen to work out "where I was".

I'd love to know where your going and what your doing, but understand that's very personal info you may well not wish to share!!

With best wishes for the next year in your life to all in your family, from a remote desert region!!

LadyPenelope68 · 04/11/2016 16:23

Sorry, but no money can make up for missing 8 months of your child's life, it's not something you can replace.

Matchingbluesocks · 04/11/2016 16:34

Yeah, you can remember that when your landlord gives you notice again on your rented house and you have to unheave your family again....

Fluffsnuts · 04/11/2016 16:52

I'm with anchor. I think we are all assuming you are mum. I think the reaction would be very different if you were dad.

Quodlibet · 04/11/2016 17:11

One thing to consider is how much money you will actually come back with. You may be paid £90k for 8 months work, but how much will you spend?

I have friends who went to live in Dubai doing amazingly well paid jobs by London standards, with the intention of coming back with a house deposit. But because of the culture of spending in Dubai they spent nearly everything they earned. They also spent £25k getting married. Five years later they are back having barely saved anything, with London prices having risen hugely during that time. Pretty huge waste of time, financially speaking. It would be a complete tragedy if you missed out on your child's life and similarly didn't reap the financial reward you were expecting to.

RiverTam · 04/11/2016 18:50

fluff the OP is the dad, which you would know if you'd bothered to read all his posts.

Ragwort · 04/11/2016 19:01

Sorry, but no money can make up for missing 8 months of your child's life, it's not something you can replace. Hmm

I think the OP has made a very sensible decision, it is a lot of money to earn, some parents are out of the house 12+ hours a day 7 days a week & earning NMW - their child might be asleep when they leave & get home so they have little 'quality time'. People need to earn money - children need somewhere to live.

As others have said, plenty of military families spend months apart - it will be fine - the child has two parents and the OP is being a great role model in providing for his family.

gillybeanz · 05/11/2016 12:00

You also need to ask yourself if it is worth the danger.
People have compared your situation to someone in the armed services.
Look at how much your life insurance would be for a job like this and then this should give you your answer.

The worst thing I ever heard was a local man, who was in the navy. He and his wife discussed the dangers and how it was unfair on the children and how they wanted a safer life.
He was transferred to a safer job, showing scouts etc round a sub.
One of his mates had mh issues and local man was shot dead by one of his own.
It was heart breaking to see what the family went through. 3 kids with no Dad now.
I couldn't risk my life just for money, I love my kids and dh too much.

OlennasWimple · 05/11/2016 14:00

Because no one in the armed forces loves their partners or kids, gilly? Hmm

gillybeanz · 05/11/2016 21:11

I couldn't I love my kids too much to chance being killed, leaving them without one of their parents.
Why would I be speaking for others Confused

RiverTam · 05/11/2016 21:14

Do you drive, gilly? If you do, you've got a pretty good chance of being killed.

And what you are implying is that people who do leave their families to do dangerous jobs don't love them enough.