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Original poster

Being away from My Child for 8 months.

180 replies

user1478250761 · 04/11/2016 11:00

Hi

We have made a decision, Next year I will be away working in a remote location for 8 months.

Why? Simple the money. If I was offered double what I could earn in the UK I would turn it down.

My son turns 2 December 27th and being away from him for that amount of time (I am afraid we cannot skype, but phone calls are 'manageable' because of the location).

I am putting things in place, like recording videos and have a cuddly toy with a picture of me on it.

But To say this is easy is not the case, when I first accepted it, I cried...loads.

I then spoke to people in the navy who are away a lot and they have been great.

What I am asking is when I am away, while I accept he will be taller and talek more when I get back will i miss much else? Will this damage his development?

OP posts:
SummerHouse · 04/11/2016 12:19

I don't think the detail of mum or dad is the main thing but I feel its an omission. In the only update I can see the op says " my partner will look after him and my mum..."

Bonnie152 · 04/11/2016 12:19

The OP could be either a man or a woman as there's nothing in the posts to say one way or another.

Anyway, I couldn't do it but think your reasons are sensible and have your family's best interests at heart. It would be a good option for you partner and DS to come out with you for a bit?

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 04/11/2016 12:20

Does it matter what sex the partner us?
Could be a man, could be a woman. Both perfectly capable of looking after a child.

comoneileen · 04/11/2016 12:22

I would not do it. Google Mary Ainsworth attachment theory. It would have a long lasting impact on him.
I am still trying to fix the relationship with my daughter after having very little contact for several month due to having to sort out access through court.

SummerHouse · 04/11/2016 12:22

To be honest it seems like a deliberate attempt to lead people to the assumption its a woman. Why else make no reference. Sorry if I am wrong and going off topic.

mscongeniality · 04/11/2016 12:22

She said partner, not father.

Regardless, if he/she is doing it to better their family in the longer run I think it's a small price to pay.

How clingy is your child OP? Mine isn't at all, I leave him easily with his dad/grandparents/nursery and he never cries. But some of my friends have children who are so attached they scream when they even leave the room.

M00MINMAMMA · 04/11/2016 12:26

OK I'm sorry but you might not like this but I just want to be honest. My cousin came and stayed with our family when she was 2 years old. Her mum and dad had a difficult break up and my aunt was running her own business and for reasons known to my mum and aunt they decided the best thing for her would be to come and stay with us. My aunt lives in the States and we were in the UK. She was/is a delightful, lovely girl and my mum loved her as her own - we all did. She is now in her 20's and still lovely but has struggled - this may or may not be linked to her being away from her mum for 6 months when she was 2 years old. I don't want you to feel bad and it's clear this isn't a decision you are taking lightly but my cousin has had mental health issues and has told me that she has talked a lot about the effect of being away from her mum at that age. She resents it even though she does love her mum to bits. She does feel it has impacted on her particularly as she didn't recognise her mum when she got back to the US. This was in the days before Skype so my cousin used to do phone calls with her mum but half the time she didn't really want to come to the phone.

I'm not saying that this will necessarily be the case with your dc - my cousin's issues could be down to other things - but she certainly feels it has affected her. I don't really know what to suggest.

I hate telling you this - I'm sure this is a tough decision for you but perhaps you can look into ways of preparing dc and also after you are back together as I'm not sure my aunt realised the impact the separation had until my cousin was much older. Flowers

Dahlietta · 04/11/2016 12:26

summer she said her sons father will be looking after him. So I presumed she's the mother.

No, He/She didn't. He/She wrote My partner will look after him and my mum will move in for 5 days out of 7.

Hellochicken · 04/11/2016 12:26

If your partner is their other parent and has been doing 50/50 then I don't see any problem. I'd do it (although you aren't asking that)

You will miss improving speech and understanding words and those tricky 2 year old negotiations/frustrations. 2 yr olds might not talk much on the phone but might listen for a short while.

Previous posters mention coming back to visit, but I think a short visit back might be worse, from a 2yr olds perspective, as you will want to be doing everything with them for a week or so and then be away again.

Other people who work away can give you better information.

Getnakedorgohome · 04/11/2016 12:28

I find a lot of these responses deeply upsetting. My dh is currently away (military) and will be away for another 5 months and we have a just 2 and a just 4 yo. Because of where he is contact every day just isn't possible. We do talk as often as possible. We made the difficult decision for him to join up as it gives our family the best chance of owning a house and being financially secure.

The dc miss him, of course they do. We collect presents for him, write letters and take photos. We talk about him every day. He sends presents when he can, writes letters and calls as often as is possible.

I don't believe we are damaging our family and I take.my hat off to you, OP for being so brave for the good of your family. If you can do it, then you should. Your son will be with his father and grandma, he'll be well looked after.

Practically, the things that have changed in our house since dh went are that ds is now toilet trained, his sleep is worse and his speech is better. He can count now and knows his colours. He misses his daddy but understands that he is coming back.

It will be fine.

WhisperingLoudly · 04/11/2016 12:30

Why so count about whether you are mother or father?

FranticalFidget · 04/11/2016 12:33

Getnakedorgohome unless your Dh was the main care giver I don't think it's the same thing or anyone is implying situations like yours are damaging.

Children tend to not give too much of a crap if the 'other' parent goes away. If the main one does, for a long time, that is completely different.

That's what I've read here anyway, people basically saying 'If you aren't the main carer go for it, if you are it will probably fuck him up'

Trooperslane · 04/11/2016 12:33

OP - you've made a horrendously difficult decision.

8 months is a long time and at the same time, no time at all. DH's DDad was in the forces and was away for circa 18 months at a time and it was fine - and they had no option.

As PP said, check the tax situation if you haven't already done so to make sure you're not disappointed, but if 90k is right then that's a hell of a lot of money which has the potential to set up your wee family for life.

It is a massive sacrifice and won't be easy, but then nothing that has that impact will be.

Big hugs x

MyLlamasGoneBananas · 04/11/2016 12:33

Lots of women and men in the Forces go away for 6 7 9 months at a time.
Their kids dois them but it becomes part of normal life for them. They don't know life any different.
My dc are 18 17 and 15. They seem OK being brought up on regular deployment's.

Wdigin2this · 04/11/2016 12:33

Is the money really that important? I don't mean to be disrespectful, but 8 months at your child's age will be a huge gap, and it may never really heal!

M00MINMAMMA · 04/11/2016 12:33

One thing I would add is my cousin had to deal with her parent's difficult breakup and being away from both parents - albeit with an aunt she was close to and adored her (my mum is diamond). It's not the same as being left with one parent - mum or dad - who ds has known all his life. I also didn't think about it before but my cousin was also away from her home - which is a big change in itself so perhaps her story isn't as relevant to you as you will be leaving ds at home with family who know and love him. x

WhisperingLoudly · 04/11/2016 12:33

My DH was overseas for 14mths when DC were young (school aged). They saw him every 6-10weeks or so. I don't think they even remember him not being around now.

That said there is no way I would have done the same in reverse despite the fact I am now sole earner. Nothing could make it worthwhile for me.

AlltheMs · 04/11/2016 12:34

This reply has been deleted

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FerretFred · 04/11/2016 12:35

Do it. You'll get a better life at the end of it and have endless tales to tell your child and grandchildren.

Many kids survive long term separation without harm. I did. My kids have.

girlwithamoonandstaronherhead · 04/11/2016 12:36

Gosh I would find it so hard to do that, no judgement at all, just an observation! From what I can tell from my own children, their memories and perceptions of people that are not around much are influenced hugely by the poeple who are around them. So for example DHs family live abroad, we see them once a year. But DCs regularly look at photos of them, talk to them, they know they are their family, so they know they are important people (this was the case from the age of about 2 I think). So I really don't think you will be forgetten, so if the parent at home talks about you all the time, there are photos as a reference point, they know you are thinking of them etc, I can't imagine it will cause any long term negative damage. In fact, at 2, kids just take things day to day at face value, so easier to do this now than when they are older.

Chilver · 04/11/2016 12:38

Ignore the naysayers. You obviously haven't made this decision lightly but you are doing it for the good of your family in the long run. Prepare, be mentally prepared for the separation anxiety it causes you (and your child) and put strategies in place to cope for both of you. Imagine the end goal when life gets tough. Best wishes.

Beaverlac · 04/11/2016 12:41

I think it's easier to be the one to go away than the one left at home. That's after a life of a merchant naval DH before the days of computers, when even phone calls were difficult and unlikely, and mail was really slow.

StarUtopia · 04/11/2016 12:43

Why don't you just move out of London if it's too expensive for you? Move up North, and enjoy a quality of life.

8 months is a bloody long time. I was away for 4 months (before children)abroad working and it felt like a lifetime. Now imagine being a child. My Dad worked away for 8 months when I was 9. I described it to my Mum as him being away for a couple of years (that's honestly how it felt). And I was 9, so old enough to know what was going on.

He's 2. I think he needs his primary caregiver. Whether that's his mum or his dad (but I'm sensing given that you're asking, it's normally you)

That's why it is different .

Floggingmolly · 04/11/2016 12:43

Why can't you explain why you can't take him with you, op? Whatever childcare arrangements you have in place here can be replicated there, can't they? Confused

Mrstumbletap · 04/11/2016 12:43

Coming back after 8 months and being able to put down your deposit on a family home will be fantastic for your family.

I think with lots of photos and videos your little one could regularly see your face and recognise you when you come back. I can see your DD saying "can we watch the mummy video again?" You could sing songs, talk and ask questions like how was your day? Then leave a pause, like you are talking to her. Like Mr Tumble Does.