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Original poster

Being away from My Child for 8 months.

180 replies

user1478250761 · 04/11/2016 11:00

Hi

We have made a decision, Next year I will be away working in a remote location for 8 months.

Why? Simple the money. If I was offered double what I could earn in the UK I would turn it down.

My son turns 2 December 27th and being away from him for that amount of time (I am afraid we cannot skype, but phone calls are 'manageable' because of the location).

I am putting things in place, like recording videos and have a cuddly toy with a picture of me on it.

But To say this is easy is not the case, when I first accepted it, I cried...loads.

I then spoke to people in the navy who are away a lot and they have been great.

What I am asking is when I am away, while I accept he will be taller and talek more when I get back will i miss much else? Will this damage his development?

OP posts:
Matchingbluesocks · 04/11/2016 13:23

It's probably not very interesting flogging- the friend I mentioned was a sort of pharmacy assistant. All sorts of jobs are needed in shitty areas

Jackie0 · 04/11/2016 13:23

It sounds like a wonderful opportunity.
I'd love it.
Your child will be fine

OlennasWimple · 04/11/2016 13:25

Civilian contractor jobs oversease earning danger money Flogging

SittingAround1 · 04/11/2016 13:25

I understand why you're doing it. If you think the long term benefits will outweigh the short term negatives then go for it. I think it'll be much harder on you than your DS.

WannaBe · 04/11/2016 13:27

My dad worked in Saudi for three months at a time when I was five. And then something happened out there which meant all the foreigners had their passports taken and we're stuck out there for nine months. Back then we missed him terribly, even though I was at boarding school during the week, used to send post cards, he would ring when he could, but it was rarely more than once a week because there was only limited access to phones etc.

At the time I would say I was definitely affected by his being away. But in the long term it's not something that has affected me.

I think that as adults we forget (or don't really want to think) that very young children are incredibly resilient, and really not as easily traumatised as we think they will be, mostly because when we think about these things we apply our own thoughts to the process.

A two year old will be upset for the first few days. Will know who mummy is by being shown pictures etc, but soon enough will have attached to daddy and granny and mummy will just be someone who works away. And when you come back he is unlikely to have a close attachment to you for a while, in the same way as a child doesn't have a close attachment to a grandparent when they live far away and only visit once or twice a year. As the child grows so does the memory obviously, but toddlers just don't think like that.

But as parents we obviously want to know that our children are deeply attached to us, want to envisage them running back into our arms after separation, but after eight months this is unlikely to happen but won't have a long-lasting impact. Once you're back, you're back, and things will return to a normality once you all get used to being together again.

TBH I would imagine there's far more likelyhood of your relationship being affected by an eight month absence than your child. I know whe my dad used to come back my mum found it hard, and frustrating, because she'd done all the parenting for months and he came back and wanted to slot straight back in, and was the parent who had been missed etc while she'd done the discipline etc. They are happily still together, but a lot of relationships don't survive that kind of separation. I would only consider going if your relationship is solid, because an eight month separation would definitely affect your child access should you and your partner separate.

RiverTam · 04/11/2016 13:28

DD is now 6. I know if I'd read this when she was 2 I would have been 'noooooooo, don't do it!'.

But my god we'd be in a much better position, for DD and our family, if we had £90k in the bank from 8 months work 4 years ago.

I would assume it'll be hardest when you return and you have to fit in to family life again, get to know your child and partner again. But it's clearly an amazing opportunity for financial security.

It's a tough one, it really is. I don't think it would negatively affect your child's development, but I'm no expert. I think it will be hardest on the adults.

deblet · 04/11/2016 13:30

Not the same I know but I was in hospital for 14 weeks having my third child and because of work and location I did not see much of my 2 yr old or husband. On coming home my relationship with my toddler took a couple of weeks to get back to normal but actually my relationship with my other half was harder. He had become used to me not being around and it was very difficult and strained for about a year. not horrible just I was not needed or relied on and a bit superfluous if you see what I mean. You should be fine with your DC.

AyeAmarok · 04/11/2016 13:30

Your DC will be fine.

It'll be a lot harder on you than it is on them. DC will change a lot.

Sounds like a great opportunity to make all of your lives easier in future.

Good luck!

WalterWhitesNipple · 04/11/2016 13:31

So many goady fuckers on this threadHmm Op for 90k that could change your sons life in the future. Yes 8 months is a long time but that time will pass and before you know it you'll be reunited with your son.

BoffinMum · 04/11/2016 13:33

Bowlby was of its time and has been frequently misquoted. All a child needs to know is who it feels safe with on a consistent basis.

OP, I can see why you are doing this and I am sure it will be fine in the long term. Does your employer offer any assistance with family matters to ease the pressure?

gillybeanz · 04/11/2016 13:34

I wouldn't do it for any amount of money, they are only young once and I'd be scared they wouldn't recognise me when I come home and they'd be calling/ believing someone else was their mum.
I'd rather just have a low income and my child, but we are all different.

Original poster
user1478250761 · 04/11/2016 13:35

Sorry for taking a while to get back, but i was not expecting so many responses...

I am actually the father.

At present I brush his teeth and help bath and change him in the evenings.

Childminder/mOther has him during the days, this will continue when I am gone/

I will upload videos to Youtube so we can put them on the TV, just me doing teh alphabet with cards etc so they can be watched, I will also record messages.

Someone mentioned the cloudpets I will deff look at that.

I will also order a Huggable Hero (www.huggableheroes.co.uk/)

I will also call as much as I can and send as many letters, I will try skype but from others who have been out there I am expecting it not too happen.

OP posts:
SpunkyMummy · 04/11/2016 13:37

Good luck.

As I said before, imo your decision is very sensible.

And the setup you have at home sounds very stable. I think DS will be alright.

BoffinMum · 04/11/2016 13:39

Not many fathers ask about this, they just go off and do it, and the world doesn't end!

It will all be fine, I am sure. They have a funny sense of time at that age and they don't always see things the way older children do. My dad worked away for a bit when I was 5 or 6 and I noticed his absence and didn't notice it at the same time, IYSWIM. Mum was there so it was fine.

toptoe · 04/11/2016 13:40

Child needs a loving primary carer who provides nurture and responds appropriately to their needs. Who does that does not matter - could be you, your partner, your mum. As long as the child has that, they will develop normally. Therefore, you going away for 8 months will not affect their development.

You will have to re-acquaint yourselves with each other when you get back but that won't affect child development in terms of them growing in a healthy way and forming healthy relationships, as long as whilst you are away they have the loving, nurturing primary care giver.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 04/11/2016 13:40

Even if you said you were the mother I still say go for it. Your family will thank you. I've lived in London I know how tough it is fares, congestion charge etc go up every year. Its only 8 months.

BoffinMum · 04/11/2016 13:40

I would have some smiley pictures of you and him together framed for his room, as kids like looking at them and kissing them at that age.

BoffinMum · 04/11/2016 13:42

PS When mum worked away it was worse, as Dad couldn't do my hair properly and kept getting the comb stuck, and he shrunk my favourite clothes in the washing and things like that. And the food was always things like pork chops and chips whereas my mum made more varied food. Wink

msrisotto · 04/11/2016 13:43

What kind of job is this? Because it does make a difference if you are getting paid danger money, you'll have to factor in the possibility that you might not return, or at least not in the same health as you arrived.

backinthebox · 04/11/2016 13:44

*Where the pissing hell are you going, OP? I've travelled extensively in developing countries with work, and Skype has always been an option, even in war zones.

I thought this initially - I travel extensively with work too. Then I thought about the number of places I go to where you can't get Facebook (all of China, for example,) and then the places where you need a VPN to get Skype to work which don't like VPNs (to the point where they arrest people found using social media via a VPN, such as Iran and to a lesser extent the UAE.)

The world is getting smaller, but there are still dodgy parts of it.

purplefox · 04/11/2016 13:46

When DS was 3 his dad disappeared for about 6 months, and he used to look after him whilst I was at work before that, DS was totally fine. You'll have more trouble dealing with it than your DC will.

LoopiusMaximus · 04/11/2016 13:46

My eldest is 2 next week. No amount of money would part me from him for even 1 month let alone 8 of them!. Even if I was told I'd get a billion pound at the end. There's just no way! Buts that's me!
I know he'd be lost without me, I'm Mummy, his whole universe. I'm sure he'd feel the same if it was daddy too but he'd cope without daddy, I'm sure!

I couldn't leave knowing he'd want me when he fell over or when he was feeling poorly or when he cant sleep at night or when he's tired and wants snuggle time and only mummy will do! He miss all the special things we do together, he's loves his routine.

It's easy to say daddy and nanny will be with him but it's not quite mum is it?! He's at a very important stage in his life, they grow and develop so much now. You'll miss important milestones. I seriously think if you leave it will affect your relationship/bond with him.

I just don't know how you could even contemplate it tbh. There's so much more to life than money. Happiness is the most important thing.

Will you miss his birthday? I'm going to stop now as it's making me feel sad

SittingAround1 · 04/11/2016 13:48

haha I thought you were the mother - my previous comment still applies either way though.

LoopiusMaximus · 04/11/2016 13:48

I have just seen that you are saying you are the father so ignore most of my post. Depending on your bond with your son, I think he will be ok. Lots of families have military daddies who spend a lot of time away.

megletthesecond · 04/11/2016 13:49

olen that job site is fascinating. I didn't know mercenaries earnt that much Shock .