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Original poster

Being away from My Child for 8 months.

180 replies

user1478250761 · 04/11/2016 11:00

Hi

We have made a decision, Next year I will be away working in a remote location for 8 months.

Why? Simple the money. If I was offered double what I could earn in the UK I would turn it down.

My son turns 2 December 27th and being away from him for that amount of time (I am afraid we cannot skype, but phone calls are 'manageable' because of the location).

I am putting things in place, like recording videos and have a cuddly toy with a picture of me on it.

But To say this is easy is not the case, when I first accepted it, I cried...loads.

I then spoke to people in the navy who are away a lot and they have been great.

What I am asking is when I am away, while I accept he will be taller and talek more when I get back will i miss much else? Will this damage his development?

OP posts:
FranticalFidget · 04/11/2016 12:59

Ffs. Taking sex completely out of it.

Forces jobs where secondary parent goes away = kids are fine

Regular jobs where secondary parent goes away = kids are fine

Main parent going away for months at a time regardless of profession = due to attatchment probably not a fantastic idea.

That's all people have said. Op hasn't been back (probably stuck in bridge traffic) to clarify which situation describes them. Hence people don't know which advice to give.

It's completely different.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 04/11/2016 13:01

No one is saying the OP shouldn't go because she is (probably) female, they are saying that if she is the primary attachment figure this could be damaging. Usually the primary attachment figure is the mother, but if the roles were reversed posters would have the same concern about the father going away

Although the OP has been careful to not reveal their genders so we really don't know the situation

Mintychoc1 · 04/11/2016 13:01

I suspect we are being deliberately kept in the dark about whether OP is mother or father, although I'm not sure why

Sunshineonacloudyday · 04/11/2016 13:03

The reason why people felt they could poke their noses in was because 1 I was weak and 2 I had no outside family support. I felt used she has got herself a tidy little job in the school now. My kids still bonded with their daddy.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 04/11/2016 13:03

Minty I don't think it matters does it.

MotherFluffer · 04/11/2016 13:04

OP I think this will be very hard but can totally see your reasons, I've faced similar decisions to make and it's really hard to make that call between quality of life long term and mid term pain. I think as long as your partner always talks about you and you send pictures back and forth and talk on the phone as much as you can you will still be a presence in the child's life and they will remember. Yes, you will miss some developmental stages but it's for the greater good. Personally, I think now is your last chance to do this relatively pain free. My DD is only just at 4 starting to really appreciate what it means when I leave and get upset about it and I've scaled back as a result. When she was younger I'm sure she noticed but it was all a bit more 'out of sight out of mind' and as long as she had people who cared about her around her spoiling her rotten and distractions she was happy as larry. Good luck!

MsStricty · 04/11/2016 13:04

Yes, I think it will have an impact on your child's development.

If you read up about the impact of a parent's absence on a child from the main developmental psychologists and analysts (Winnicott, Bowlby, for example), they advocate the constant, contingency-based presence of the primary care-giver at this critical stage of a child's life.

Note: You cannot make up for lost time and mitigate completely what was not provided for at a critical developmental stage.

I am being unequivocal here because the research is also unequivocal.

Purplebluebird · 04/11/2016 13:05

I can understand your decision, that kind of money will give you a much better quality of life for your family. I think for the time from now until you go, try to let your child get more and more attached to your other half, and less to you, so that the separation won't be as difficult. That might sound wrong, but I think that would be the best option here... Whether or not it will harm development is impossible to know.

5moreminutes · 04/11/2016 13:05

Caveat - When I said yes you will, I meant "miss much" (and have listed what you will probably miss) not damage him! Further down I said I do not think he will be damaged whatsoever given he is staying in his family home with his other parent.

SpunkyMummy · 04/11/2016 13:05

minty

Because it doesn't matter?

MsStricty · 04/11/2016 13:06

I studied developmental psychology at university; I am a counsellor; and I am the child of a mother who was absent in the first couple of years of my life. I am far from objective, but I am also well-informed.

Matchingbluesocks · 04/11/2016 13:06

A friend of mine did exactly the same thing. She couldn't move her family with her because she was in a dangerous place (Sierra Leone) as I suspect OP is- there is a reason she's being paid so much- danger money!

It was absolutely fine OP and like you they were able to buy a house after her return which secured their future. In fact, it enabled them
To have another baby.

Good luck!

Namechangeemergency · 04/11/2016 13:06

This is not going to damage attachment in the long term.
Attachment disorders come from difficult, chaotic, unpredictable attachment figures.
They don't come from loving parents where one has to go away for a while.
You can have children with the crappest parents ever who had a strong bond with as sibling or aunt who have no issues with attachment at all.

Why would one parent be a primary attachment figure at the age of 2 years unless the other parent is distant, absent or unable to parent?

If that is not the case for the OP's child I don't see what the issue is re attachment.

There is no doubt that it will be difficult for the child but that is NOT the same as being detrimental to their attachment.

Namechangeemergency · 04/11/2016 13:10

Ms that is certainly not the conclusion I made from reading research into attachment Confused

Bowlby was also pretty hung up on the mother being the only attachment figure and that has certainly been challenged since.

Mintychoc1 · 04/11/2016 13:11

Well no, it doesn't matter if it's the father or the mother, although I think it does matter if it's the primary or secondary care giver. But I suspect the reason it's being kept secret could be related to wanting to get opinions and perhaps demonstrate bias and prejudice on MN, for whatever reason...

Sunshineonacloudyday · 04/11/2016 13:11

MsStricty you bring up Bowlby and the oedipus complex. Focusing solely on development what about parents who have to work full time and put their kids in nursery from 8am to 6pm Monday to Friday. They are still missing out on his or hers milestones.

Tootsiepops · 04/11/2016 13:16

Where the pissing hell are you going, OP? I've travelled extensively in developing countries with work, and Skype has always been an option, even in war zones.

SpunkyMummy · 04/11/2016 13:16

minty

Well, there are prejudices.

As a pregnant woman with absolutely no intention to stop working I've encountered them quite often during the last few months. (Even though my schedule is probably unusally flexible...)

Yes, I do think it matters whether the OP is the primary caregiver.

If the OP is then I think the family needs to start changing this now.

The OP should maybe stop putting the LO to bed, be less involved during feeding time etc... whereas the other parent and or the OP's mother should start handling these things.

Matchingbluesocks · 04/11/2016 13:18

I don't really get the primary caregiver stuff. oP obviously works already- isn't it standard to have 50:50 caregiving with working parents?
I don't consider our children to have a primary carer, they are equally comfortable with both.

Liiinoo · 04/11/2016 13:19

Even if the OP is the primary carer, the child's attachment pattern is set by the age of two. If they are securely attached now (meaning they are mentally confident that if a loved object disappears it will return) then a well managed break will not harm them. IMO it will inevitably alter their life experience and subsequent development as everything that happens in childhood has some sort of impact on development but this absolutely does not have to be a negative thing. Videos and phone calls and photos and messages can ensure he maintains his bond with the OP and he will also form new bonds with his Gran and the OPs partner. One thing that might help is if the OP wraps up a little surprise for every week she is away, nothing big, a toy car or a packet of Smarties or a comic, something he would have had anyway. Then every week his carers can make a ritual of opening- his 'special' OP-treat. When I was away from my DCs I would make a game of filling a pretty little box with kisses and they would keep them under their pillow and let a few out every night. Apparently one night there was nearly a riot as one DC thought the other had stolen some of her kisses! You could try that OP.

OP you sound like you are making every possible provision to ensure your seperation is well prepared for and well handled. I think it will actually be much harder for you than it is for your baby. Get as many cuddles in between now and then as you possibly can. I hope the job goes well.

Floggingmolly · 04/11/2016 13:19

Danger money, Matchingbluesocks? I just can't get my head around someone having the skills to warrant being drafted in from abroad and paid a larger amount of money than necessary to produce whatever they need during an 8 month contract, yet is only earning 21k here in the U.K. (apparently without much hope of exceeding that in the foreseeable future).
A little too Walter Mitty like for me...

SpunkyMummy · 04/11/2016 13:19

tootsie

I've been to places without cellphone reception or internet internet.

Maybe the OP is on top of a mountain doing some research or something? A friend of mine is involved in a glacier research project. Skype is a rare treat for her.

Kitsa · 04/11/2016 13:19
OlennasWimple · 04/11/2016 13:20

Are people really so naive that when the poster says that the location is so remote that Skype is not an option and s/he will be paid four times her normal salary to go there, they think that "childcare arrangements could be replicated there"? Confused

I'm assuming that it's somewhere like Afghanistan, Somalia, Libya - no, they do not have nurseries or childminders that the OP can put their child into.

Money might not be everything, but this is an opportunity for OP to earn some serious cash in order to provide life long security for the family. I would do it, and if DH had the opportunity I would encourage him to do it. Yes, it will be hard and yes, the DC will have changed an awful lot during that time, but it won't in and of itself mean that the DC is going to end up having problems as an adult.

Good luck OP. Flowers

Sunshineonacloudyday · 04/11/2016 13:21

MsStricty sorry about this so your mother was working for the first couple of years of your life did you form an attachment with her after that. With my first child I had severe PND I found it very hard although I looked after her very well and I had my partner around but it still affected her. I was a SAHM back then and I think she would have benefited with going into a nursery once or twice a week. She is fine now I had to really work on her and she is spoilt and I have to reign her in now.