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Welcome to our UK travel forum where you can get advice on everything from holidays to exotic destinations, to tips on London travel.

Being away from My Child for 8 months.

180 replies

user1478250761 · 04/11/2016 11:00

Hi

We have made a decision, Next year I will be away working in a remote location for 8 months.

Why? Simple the money. If I was offered double what I could earn in the UK I would turn it down.

My son turns 2 December 27th and being away from him for that amount of time (I am afraid we cannot skype, but phone calls are 'manageable' because of the location).

I am putting things in place, like recording videos and have a cuddly toy with a picture of me on it.

But To say this is easy is not the case, when I first accepted it, I cried...loads.

I then spoke to people in the navy who are away a lot and they have been great.

What I am asking is when I am away, while I accept he will be taller and talek more when I get back will i miss much else? Will this damage his development?

OP posts:
HRarehoundingme · 04/11/2016 12:44

Forces children go through this everyday and they survive. The kids obviously miss their mum/dad but if they have their resident parent with them life goes on.

When the parent does return there is a process where everyone has to readjust to life again but there generally arent any long term issues.

Northend77 · 04/11/2016 12:44

All (or at least I've tried to read them all) the negative examples have involved family break ups or some other upsetting circumstances and this is not the same. This isn't really any different to a parent being in the forces and having to be away for a number of months - the other parent talks lovingly about the absent parent and shares photos, videos and letters.

I am a child of a father in the Army and I have grown up extremely well balanced. I have a great amount of respect for what he did to enable us to have a great life (the Army at least used to be a fab family life back in the 80s even if it's much tougher now)

You are making this sacrifice in order to give your family a better life in the future and I think that's a very admirable thing to do as it will be much harder on you than on your 2 year old, I'm sure of that - he will still have his other parent and grandparent giving him all the care he usually receives (I can only assume).

It must have been a very hard decision but well done, if you can do it then you will have done a great thing for your family

Oh, and in answer to your question - I would confidently say that no, it won't have a damaging effect on your son as long as he continues to receive love and care from his family. I am saying this from personal experience of having an absent parent and also in light of the millions of other children who's parents go off to war or work abroad - in most cases to do good for their child's future

EmGee · 04/11/2016 12:44

I think it's really unfair for posters to say things like 'Oh I would never do it'.
How insulting to the many parents who do work away from home (good examples given by a few posters upthread - all of whom have said it is hard but doable and the remaining parent does all he/she can to make sure the absent parent is remembered and talked about daily).

OP made the point that the decision has been made. So it's not up for discussion.

OP's child is young. I would imagine the separation is better at this age than were the child older/more aware. I have many friends who work FT and missed their child's first words/steps etc.

juneau · 04/11/2016 12:46

All of you telling the OP not to go - s/he's not on here asking whether s/he should go - that's already been decided. And given the financial upside I can see why the OP has made that decision, heart-wrenching though it will definitely be.

Many forces families go through this all the time. Deployments are typically six months and communication can be patchy, depending on where the parent is/what they're doing. You've done the right thing by reaching out to those within the armed forces who have experience of this kind of separation.

Your DC will definitely miss you - particularly to start with - but as long as he is loved and well cared for by your DM and DP there is no reason why he will suffer. So yes, read and record some stories for him, prepare a book of pictures of you and him together that he can look at, get a couple of framed pictures that he can have by his bed, send whatever letters, notes, cards, pictures, etc that you can while you're away, and then take a deep breath and do it. It will be hard, but it's not insurmountable and there is a definite end-point and a really compelling reason for you to do it.

LucyLocketLostIt · 04/11/2016 12:46

I wouldn't have done this. In my opinion, the money is not worth it.

Okkitokkiunga · 04/11/2016 12:47

I am a SAHM and main carer for my DC. If I was offered the opportunity to work towards a life changing amount of money I would take it like a shot. My DH is a perfectly capable parent.

I really don't know why so many people are shredding you.

Leave a few letters for the times when you can't get one home so there aren't huge gaps in comms.

Can you say whereabouts you will be?

Good luck.

Okkitokkiunga · 04/11/2016 12:49

And to those saying take child with, What if OP is medical staff going to help out in Syria, or in disaster zones such as Nepal or Italy.

londonrach · 04/11/2016 12:49

Op its hard but doable. Harder for you then him as he has a loving dad and granny. I know a family whos mother gave birth and became vvvv ill and as a result was fighting for her life in the 1960s. All three children were placed in foster care for a year (we talking 3 under 5). Mother was expected to live but did, children didnt see her for a year. They very close as a family. Can you come back ever so often.

FerretFred · 04/11/2016 12:50

I can't imagine what sort of job pays only 21k here but 90k abroad other than military going to do security abroad. In which case you would be used to separation.

5moreminutes · 04/11/2016 12:50

Leaving aside all the tangents the thread has predictably taken, you asked:

What I am asking is when I am away, while I accept he will be taller and talek more when I get back will i miss much else? Will this damage his development?

Yes, you will. He will change enormously between 24 and 32 months. Just turned 2 and nearly 3 are different creatures, usually.

If he develops typically, for example:

His language will probably bloom exponentially, it is likely he will have about 50 words when you leave and be starting to join them, but be chatting away in full, though grammatically incorrect, sentences when you return.

He will become far more dexterous - going from real toddling to more like walking. His ability to jump, climb, and even hop will improve. He might learn to pedal a trike or ride a balance bike or even a real bike (there are children who do that at about 2 and a half if they have balance bikes first). He may move from eating with a spoon to clumsily using a children's knife and fork. He may go from holding a pencil in a fist and scribbling to drawing recognisable people of the circle with arms and legs and eyes and a smile variety.

He may well potty train while you are away.

His tastes will totally change. If you buy him something he adored when you left he may not be interested in it when you return.

He may not recognise you when you return and may not immediately throw himself into your arms, especially if you do not look exactly like the photos your partner shows him when you return (different hair, glasses/ no glasses, loose or gain weight, dress differently).

None of that makes it a bad idea to go though.

My father was away for 6 months working in Saudi for similar reasons when I was 4 or so - I don't remember him being away, only his return (with presents...). However he had always been very much the secondary carer (often absent because of work even when living in the same house).

I do not think it will damage your child if your child stays living in the same house with their other parent.

I think it might damage your partner if you move your mum in, but that is another issue! Wink

You have to handle your return well though and be the adult - do not let your child see your hurt if he does not recognise you or immediately resume your current close relationship when you return - give him time and it will come back. 8 months is conscious, remembered life time to a 2 year old.

Also be prepared for the fact he may refuse to talk to you on the phone (nothing personal, lots of preschoolers wont) or may take the phone and prattle away using words and sentences that make sense but that you cannot follow because he doesn't realise you don't know the intimate details of his every day life so can't follow his stream of consciousness.

mrsmortis · 04/11/2016 12:50

I am going to assume that you are female for this post, but only because there are some additional prejudices that you will face if you are.

I travel for work and spend three nights a week away from home. My DDs are looked after by their Dad, my DH. I am constantly bombarded with, how do you manage it? How can you bear to be away from them? Who is looking after them while you are gone? Etc. My male colleagues who have kids of similar ages never get asked these questions. There are generally assumptions in our society that are unfair and you will find yourself constantly being asked to justify your decisions. As this thread has shown there are lots of people who are likely to judge you for doing this. Your partner, especially if they are male, will experience similar prejudice.

My Grandad was in the navy and my FIL in the construction industry. Both of them were away from home for months at a time when their kids were small. No one questioned their choices.

On the positive side neither my Mum nor my DH suffered from the absence long term. My mum had a particularly close and strong relationship with her dad, despite his being away. The same can be said of my relationship with my girls. I'm sure that you can manage to foster the same.

jomidmum · 04/11/2016 12:51

My husband lives and works overseas. We just make it work for us. That's where his work is. He works hard to provide for us. I don't work, as we have chosen for me to be around for our children who both have additional needs.
We went with him for a year but then decided for the children and I to return to the UK. It's certainly not easy but it works for us. We use Facebook messenger video service to keep in touch (with a VPN). He comes back to the UK when he can (the longest away has been 5 months).
All the best. Hopefully you visiting during the 8 months (or meeting up somewhere in between) will be a possibility.

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 04/11/2016 12:51

Bollocks. Utter bollocks is being spouted on here.

OP, you are DEFINITELY not being unreasonable. Plenty of people in the armed forces and other international jobs work away, and their children cope,indeed flourish.

Guilting you with phrases like "8 month is a third of your child's life" is horseshit. Your child will not remember your absence, and you are doing something which will set your family up for the long term.

My DP is Navy, and I'm waiting for his next deployment. We'll cope just bloody fine.

Whether you are his father or mother is utterly irrelevant, and if we actually want bloody equality in 2016, that includes the concept of a father being a SAHD and a mother working abroad.

I'm so angry with some of the sanctimommies on here.

OP, be proud that you can do such a great thing for your family. It won't be easy, and if course you'll miss your child horribly, but if you don't go then what are your options for the long term alternatives?

MangoMoon · 04/11/2016 12:52

Have not read the rest of the thread.

I went away for 2 months when my youngest was 2, eldest 5; 4 months when they were 3 & 6.

They were fine.

I got them a card that I'd recorded a message in & also did a recorded bedtime story - they bought me a teddy to take with me to 'look after me'.

I spoke to them regularly on the phone, and their lives just carried on as per normal whilst I was away.

When I got back I was slotted back in within a week and it was like I'd never been away.

I'd recommend speaking to servicepeople about all the little things they & their kids do when they're away - there's loads of ideas & tips to make it easier.

Good luck! Flowers

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 04/11/2016 12:55

Are you the primary carer/ attachment figure? If so, this will be really difficult for your DC. I know a family where the mother moved abroad for work and her child became really withdrawn and unhappy, despite being with Daddy and having regular Skype- mum was his primary attachment figure and he was very affected by her absence.

If you are the 'other' parent then I think it will be difficult but doable.

If you are the primary attachment figure and still going, I would make every effort to improve the bond between your partner and child, and gradually take a step back in the months before you depart.

Have you checked the tax situation re your 90k earnings?

SpunkyMummy · 04/11/2016 12:55

fed

maybe she used to have a job she could do from London?

many children grow up with 1 parent. And ,any children grow up in families where one parent is away for months... it used to be normal.

You arcan doing it because your family needs the money, not for selfish reasons.

Your mother and husband will look after your son, I'm sure it will be alright.

The decision is made, worrying about it is now useless.

Mintychoc1 · 04/11/2016 12:55

Personally I think it depends a lot on whether or not you've been the main carer up until now.

I think a parent who is out at work most days from very early on could go away for an extended period of time without too much worry about the long term impact on the child. However, if it's the parent who has been with the child most of the time since birth, who then goes away for 8 months, I think that could be hugely damaging.

Artandco · 04/11/2016 12:56

SOrry but I just wouldn't do it do any amount of money. I would eaithwr go and take child with me, or not go

Dh would do the same. We do travel without them, so it's not that they have to be glued to us, but our maximum is around 2 weeks without them and leaving them with other parent. Any longer and they come with us, fly out with grandparents to visit a few days etc. 8 months is just too long

Could you afford to travel a lot to see him? If granny is free 5 days, could you arrange she flies out or your husband with child to visit every 6 weeks or so? Or you fly back to visit each month for 3 days etc

SpunkyMummy · 04/11/2016 12:56

OP, YANBU.

Getnakedorgohome · 04/11/2016 12:56

Frantical before he rejoined we were very much 50/50. My 4yo in particular would always 'choose' daddy. I still don't know why fathers are apparently regarded as the lesser parent. It's 8 months. When op comes back it will be tough for them all to readjust. But it is possible. I'm sure in the long run her ds will benefit more from having a house to live in and being comfortably off. He will have an amazing bond with his father and will still love his mother. So many threads on here of parents who leave their dc with their pil or dps so they can go away for a weekend, a week, a fortnight. There is no longer term gain from that. This way the op will earn over 4 times her average yearly salary in 8 months. It is a lifeline and a tremendous opportunity.

Walkingwounded · 04/11/2016 12:57

I know where you are coming from OP. I also have to leave my children for work (though not for such an extended period). Contact is also not always easy from where I work.

It will be much harder for you than for your child I suspect. If the decision is made, then focus on the medium term, and the security you are buying for your family.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 04/11/2016 12:57

I would say you would be a fool not to take this opportunity. If it works for you and your family then do it. People will always have something to say so just ignore them. My partner had to work away for the first 2 years of my daughters life. He came home every week or 2 weeks for the weekend it didn't stop nosy fuckers poking their noses in. They did take it a step to far in the end. They were shocked when I told them where to go.

SpunkyMummy · 04/11/2016 12:57

You are providing for your family.

DH and DM are looking after DS.

It's going to be ok.

YANBU. Good luck :)

MadMags · 04/11/2016 12:58

I have no idea why anyone would torture themselves with a thread like this, after they've already decided...

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary · 04/11/2016 12:58

I'm sure that with the stable set up you're putting in place your DC will be fine in the long run.