AIBU to feel disappointed about my daughter’s former primary school not inviting her back?

[JustAnotherDay27]

My daughter left primary school this summer and is now in Year 7.
Her former primary school is inviting some former pupils back to share their experiences of secondary school with the current Year 6 pupils.
Her former Year 6 class was very small, with only a handful of pupils. I recently found out that at least three of her former classmates have been invited, including two who now attend the same secondary school as my daughter.
A few weeks ago, my daughter asked me whether we’d received an invitation from her old school, so I think she was hoping to take part.
She seemed disappointed when she found out that some of her friends had been invited but she hadn’t.
I completely understand that the school may have its reasons for selecting certain pupils, and I don’t expect everyone to be invited. However, given how small the class was, I do wonder whether this approach could leave some children feeling excluded or overlooked.
I’m considering sending some polite feedback to the headteacher, not to request an invitation, but simply to highlight how this might affect children who weren’t selected.
AIBU to feel the school could have handled this more thoughtfully? Or is this just a normal part of school life that I should leave alone?
I’d genuinely appreciate other parents’ perspectives, particularly if your children’s schools have organised similar events.

This!

Get a grip.

They need 10% of a year group?
Get over yourself.

Two were invited back from the secondary school that the dd is at which sounds reasonable. Maybe there were two from each secondary that the children from year six went to. Presumably they just go and say ‘hi, so we are at Grange Hill and I like it because there is a chess club and we are going on a residential in the summer term’. They don’t need loads of kids saying that.

Yes, this. You do your child a great disservice if you teach them they should always be part of a
every elite chosen group. Because almost no one achieves this throughout their life.
The vast majority of us are ordinary members of the crowd who now and again get our 5 minutes in the spotlight.
We are consistently the best and the chosen only to those who love us, and perhaps later in our own niche areas of expertise. The rest of the time we make up the crowd. And that's perfectly fine, and as it should be.
Children who grow up to feel that any less than being singled out as exceptional is a disappointment have a heavy burden of expectation to carry.

You're not being unreasonable to be upset but don't message the school about this. What I would be doing is helping my child to understand that the lack of an invite is no reflection on her as a person and that we all have to come to terms with not being chosen for things, it's just life.

They don’t have to worry about including everyone and saving the feelings of ex students. Totally nuts.

Dont give it a second thought!

You don’t sound as if you’re even sure that your daughter is disappointed. I’d suggest this is your disappointment, not your daughter’s.

Write to the head-he/she will shake their head and be glad that you’re no longer a parent at their school!

She was not excluded.

She just wasn’t chosen.

It won’t be the first or last time that she hasn’t been chosen for something.

It’s fine not to be chosen every time. It’s completely fine to feel disappointed.

You risk damaging your child by parenting in this manner.

I’d sympathise with your daughter but like others say use this to teach your daughter this is life. Sometimes you’re not picked even if you feel you’d do great. Also you can’t usually know what was behind the choice. For all you know she was picked for some other thing before and the teacher chose these students as they missed out on something. It’s not something to take personally there are a whole variety of possible reasons why she wasn’t selected.

Please don’t contact the school. You’re just giving someone the extra work of trying to form a polite reply to tell you to get over yourself.

I think I’d be focussing on the fact she’s left Primary school behind and how she’s growing up.

First post nails it as usual. Please for the love of god do not email the head teacher, you will not come off well at all.

Let it go.

If you are being this involved in the situation and your daughter has now left primary, I suspect you have been very involved in things whilst she was there. Maybe relationships are strained between you and the school? Perhaps they didn’t invite her because it would mean you needed to come as well?

This is a good chance to teach resilience and proportionality.

My parents used to intervene on things like this and frankly it became embarrassing as I got older and realised how ridiculous they were. It meant I kept things from them as I didn’t trust them not to make a fuss. They’re in their 80s now and I still have to keep stuff from them.

Your DD is 11, old enough to start learning that she's not going to be at the centre of everyone elses universe.

Life is full of small disappointments, and the sooner your DD starts experiencing these, with a caring adult to help talk her through them, ultimately the happier and more resilient she'll be.

Spending too much energy on this OP.

How will you cope when your child doesn't get the University offer, Job offer or a partner finishes with them?

I wish this was my only ‘problem’ in life … enjoy the good times OP.

Hmm I think this is a you problem. The school probably has its own reasons for only inviting a couple of pupils back.

You’re her parent, and it’s your job to explain why that might be and to reassure her and empathise with her feelings about it. Her feelings of disappointment/rejection are, of course, perfectly valid- you need to help her work through it. It is a good lesson so long as you handle it well. You don’t parent by just trying to ‘fix’ any problem that can be perceived as unfair.

This is such a non-event in her life, the primary literally need a handful of kids and they have selected those. It's not a year 6 reunion.
Your encouraging a "Pick me" culture or my Mum will email you in response.

While, I don't think OP should query it in any way, I do think PPs are being quite harsh. How many times does OP need to be told her DD needs to develop resilience, and often in quite a nasty way? It is very likely that the primary school is only inviting 2 pupils from each secondary school, but if there are 2 chosen from a couple of dozen in one school, no-one would be particularly disappointed, whereas if it's 2 from a friendship group of 3 in another school then the one not chosen will definitely feel left out. OP hasn't actually hasn't actually said quite how small the primary school was but she should just explain that they had to restrict numbers and it was just bad luck.

I think you’re madder than the OP if you actually think the Head of the primary is thinking ‘Well, Sophie, Jessica and Emily are friends and they all went to Saint Custard’s, so we can’t possibly invite Sophie and Jessica alone, because poor Emily would feel so terribly left out!’

Id see your point if she was the ONLY child not selected but I assume that's not the case.

How on earth did you get the delightful little scenario from my post? That is precisely what I didn't think the primary head was thinking as evidenced by the fact that she only invited the 2 girls from OP's DD's new school. The PS have stuck to 2 per new secondary school regardless, as they should have done because anything else would be unwieldy. Doesn't mean the DD can't be disapointed.

Don’t be ridiculous. For a start I think it’s very unlikely that the two will both be girls or both be boys but to expect a teacher to organise this on the basis of who was friends with each other in July is bats. Why would being friends be any criteria whatsoever?

Perhaps it was random, or down to timetabling, or who hasn’t got a mad mother, or who is charismatic, or who they thought would be good at it or whose parent would give permission but I’m telling you now, who is friends with someone else was not a thought in anyone’s head.

OP - I'm guessing that if your DD went to a small primary school you are used to everyone being included in everything?

In case you've not already realised, secondary schools are much bigger. There is a high probability that your DD might not get chosen for anything as a secondary school student. Best to make this mindset change now, or you have years of pain ahead.

If your DD wants to go back to her old primary school they will doubtless have a Christmas fair or something similar coming up soon that she can go along to.