AIBU to feel disappointed about my daughter’s former primary school not inviting her back?

[JustAnotherDay27]

My daughter left primary school this summer and is now in Year 7.
Her former primary school is inviting some former pupils back to share their experiences of secondary school with the current Year 6 pupils.
Her former Year 6 class was very small, with only a handful of pupils. I recently found out that at least three of her former classmates have been invited, including two who now attend the same secondary school as my daughter.
A few weeks ago, my daughter asked me whether we’d received an invitation from her old school, so I think she was hoping to take part.
She seemed disappointed when she found out that some of her friends had been invited but she hadn’t.
I completely understand that the school may have its reasons for selecting certain pupils, and I don’t expect everyone to be invited. However, given how small the class was, I do wonder whether this approach could leave some children feeling excluded or overlooked.
I’m considering sending some polite feedback to the headteacher, not to request an invitation, but simply to highlight how this might affect children who weren’t selected.
AIBU to feel the school could have handled this more thoughtfully? Or is this just a normal part of school life that I should leave alone?
I’d genuinely appreciate other parents’ perspectives, particularly if your children’s schools have organised similar events.

That’s just how it is. Yabu to email the headteacher about it.

Such is life. No one loves your child as much as you. She also needs to realise that.

You say that you know of at least 3 former classmates that were invited back. Unless you're now going to tell us that she was in a class of 4 and is the only one not going, then no, I don't think it's unfair and I don't think you should contact her old school.

Short of inviting everyone back, I don't see how they could have handled this 'more thoughtfully'. What are you thinking that they should have done differently here?

I get that it's rubbish to see your child disappointed, but you can't protect her from every little thing.

You (and your daughter) are allowed to be disappointed. Disappointment sucks but it happens.

But don't be a dick and email the head though. Show your dd how to move past it.

Please don't email the HT, they honestly have enough to deal with. Encourage your daughter to just look forward, and focus on her new school. Let it go.

I do wonder whether this approach could leave some children feeling excluded or overlooked.
Yes it could and it does but that doesn't mean the school is excluding or overlooking someone. Children need to learn that it's ok to be upset over not being picked but that not being picked is normal and does not constitute exclusion.

AIBU to feel the school could have handled this more thoughtfully?
How would you propose they could have handled it? I am struggling to see what it may have looked like.

Y would BU to email.
Better to request a quick face to face meeting with both Heads to discuss their processes and potential ways forward.

Don’t say anything to the school, you will look petty and foolish. Your daughter will recover.

Yes you should definitely contact the previous school. Make sure your daughter knows you’re doing it too so she can learn that
a. Mummy will always stick up for her
and
b. That when you don’t get picked for something you should always complain and kick up a fuss and not just crack on with things

Both very important life skills for a young person to have.

But she wants someone else's child/ren to be disappointed!

This.

"I’m considering sending some polite feedback to the headteacher, not to request an invitation, but simply to highlight how this might affect children who weren’t selected."

Seriously? 😂

"I completely understand that the school may have its reasons for selecting certain pupils, and I don’t expect everyone to be invited. However, given how small the class was, I do wonder whether this approach could leave some children feeling excluded or overlooked."

Or you mean you wonder if there was an approach that would have included your daughter so she doesn't feel excluded? Unless you're expecting the school to invite everyone some people will be left out and that's just life.

Unfortunately, this is all too common. Some parents just cannot accept this kind of thing.

Life is full of disappointments. Better for her to start that lesson now.

Please don't give her ideas because now she is going to email the headteacher at the secondary school 😆

My daughter’s school picks kids who have made an effort to involve themselves in school life beyond classes.

Leave it. Seriously.

If free, quick and all too easy email didn’t exist, would you think it worth the effort of handwriting a letter, buying a stamp and posting it over this?

This is an absolute non problem. Primary school has no ongoing obligation to your daughter and her feelings of being overlooked aren’t relevant - presumably they wanted certain ex pupils to attend for the benefit of current students. They may have wanted, for example, a mix of boys and girls, different racial or religious or demographic backgrounds, someone with SEND, pupils from different schools, pupils who younger pupils particularly knew because they were house captains or whatever or maybe they just picked the kids they liked best. It doesn’t matter. It’s hardly a life changing opportunity!

It's a long time ago now, but my dd was asked by her secondary school to go back to her primary school for a similar event. I assume that they picked her because she was confident and good at talking to people, but the only reason they really knew this was because dd had already volunteered for some other stuff at secondary school.

The secondary school then asked dd to suggest a boy from her primary school who could go with her - the brief was someone who would be positive, encouraging and able to talk to people confidently. And they went with her suggestion, so sometimes the selection can be pretty random.

I really wouldn't read too much into it. Encourage your dd to see it as just one of those things, and not evidence that she wasn't valued by her primary school or anything like that. I really don't suppose they put a huge amount of thought into it at all - realistically, school staff have far more important things to be thinking about!

"I do wonder whether this approach could leave some children feeling excluded or overlooked"

This is most disingenuous. You know very well that at least one child is feeling excluded and overlooked ... and so is her mother!

It looks like you're trying to make us think you're concerned about all the poor children.

OP, I wonder if because your daughter was at such a small primary, you and she have been insulated from the fact that normally, not everyone gets a chance to do everything? By year 7, my DC had absolutely learnt that not everyone gets to be in the choir, or to be on the football team that plays the friendly match against the other school, or gets a speaking part in the play, or has their artwork displayed prominently, etc, etc. If the school is a good one, it makes sure that every kid gets a chance to feel special for something, but never ever everything. As PP have said, coping with that is a life skill best learnt early.

She’s moved on and now at secondary school. Why on earth would you (or she) give a second thought about why her previous primary school might, or might not, want her to come and speak to their current Y6’s? Please don’t contact the HT of a school she no longer attends to complain.

Has your dd popped in to visit the primary school of her own accord?
in my experience some pupils do this a lot and some don’t at all. Perhaps the other two have maintained closer links than her and the invite sort of occurred naturally?

And look, just in terms of ‘how it might affect children who aren’t selected’. I’ve got two DC who compete at a fairly high standard in their respective sports. DD plays county netball, this year, selected into the ‘development’ squad, rather than ‘performance’, that sucked for her, given most of her Club squad/mates made ‘performance’. DS is an athlete, the selection criteria to make a County squad for a National champs last year was top 8 at a County Champs, he came 8th - they selected the kid that came 9th because of some other performances he’d had over the season. That sucked for him. I didn’t fire off any e mails about how it impacted them.

Do you think the way parents react effects children more than the original situation does?