AIBU to feel disappointed about my daughter’s former primary school not inviting her back?

[JustAnotherDay27]

My daughter left primary school this summer and is now in Year 7.
Her former primary school is inviting some former pupils back to share their experiences of secondary school with the current Year 6 pupils.
Her former Year 6 class was very small, with only a handful of pupils. I recently found out that at least three of her former classmates have been invited, including two who now attend the same secondary school as my daughter.
A few weeks ago, my daughter asked me whether we’d received an invitation from her old school, so I think she was hoping to take part.
She seemed disappointed when she found out that some of her friends had been invited but she hadn’t.
I completely understand that the school may have its reasons for selecting certain pupils, and I don’t expect everyone to be invited. However, given how small the class was, I do wonder whether this approach could leave some children feeling excluded or overlooked.
I’m considering sending some polite feedback to the headteacher, not to request an invitation, but simply to highlight how this might affect children who weren’t selected.
AIBU to feel the school could have handled this more thoughtfully? Or is this just a normal part of school life that I should leave alone?
I’d genuinely appreciate other parents’ perspectives, particularly if your children’s schools have organised similar events.

Learning to manage disappointment and FOMO is an important lesson at this age.

You'll be a much better mum by teaching her that it is ok and there will be occasions when she gets pick for things and others won't, rather than validating her feelings and teaching her that the way to manage them is blaming others and expecting them to change their decision so she feels special.

This … have you previously given them helpful feedback while she was at primary school? Perhaps it’s more you rather than your child that wasn’t invited?

How often did you send "polite feedback" while your daughter was in primary school?

Excluded is being the only child in a class not picked for something. Then you might have a point.

As a HT I now spend far too much of my time responding to AI letters ranging from justifying/explaining how a decision was reached to full on complaints. It means I am spending time placating/calming parents rather than doing things that would actually make a positive difference to the school. It’s exhausting being micro-managed by parents. Ultimately we are not doing our children any favours; they need to learn how to cope with feelings of disappointment etc.

I’m considering sending some polite feedback to the headteacher, not to request an invitation, but simply to highlight how this might affect children who weren’t selected.

It's stuff like this that makes so many young people have zero resilience.

Sounds like OP is the one who needs build resilience first!

OP- you are transferring your feelings onto your DD. She picks up on your cues and then feels the same disappointment that you feel.

Reflect on why this affects you so much. Do you feel you have something to prove? Did you have a happy/unhappy school life yourself and now living out your own hopes and dreams through your DD.

Dear god just leave it
There's no way to say anything without looking salty about your child not being picked
It's embarrassing for both you and your daughter don't do it

Please take note of this, @JustAnotherDay27!

She'll be outside in the waiting room because she'll go with her! 😂😂😂

😂😂😂

Sometimes in life we get overlooked in favour of others. Sometimes there's a practical reason for this (like random selection). Sometimes, it's because we are not percieved in a certain context in the way we would have liked to have been (the most suitable for the occasion).
If its the second then we need to get used to that, because we can't force other people to see us in the way we want. Whether that's the 'best' to represent a school, or part of an inner social circle.
The best message for your child is sometimes some people will choose you, sometimes they won't. You can't always expect to be amongst the chosen for everything.
The only time it's a problem is if a pattern forms of unfair exclusion from things the majority are included in.

She wasn't picked. Life isn't fair and the sooner she understands that and accepts that you don't always get what you want, the better.

We've all gone for a job we wanted and were rejected. We've all fancied someone only to find they have no romantic interest in us. Disappointments are part of life and explanations for them rarely help in my experience.

They can’t choose everyone …. So why do you think your dd should automatically get picked?

This event is for the benefit of current primary school pupils, not some sort of treat for the invited speakers! So your daughter is literally an irrelevance in the process, totally unconnected to it, in the same way that she hasn’t been selected for a moon mission. She hasn’t won a competition she didn’t enter. It’s like you complaining you haven’t won a lottery for which you didn’t buy a ticket. Do not make yourself look ridiculous by raising it with anyone.

Your job as a parent is not to rearrange the world to suit your child and ensure she never feels a negative emotion. Your job as a parent is to prepare your child to fit into the world, even though it will not always be kind to her. Age 11 is already quite late for those lessons, but this is a perfect place to start. You might need to work on your own resilience first, judging from this thread, though.

Would you have been disappointed if they’d invited your daughter and not someone else?

As a parent of a similar aged DD and a teacher, I’d say leave alone.

Please don’t complain to the school, they quite clearly can’t invite all the children back and I don’t know what else you expected them to do!

When our school did this it was exclusively children who had siblings still at the primary school. Is that possible?

OP the part to worry about here isn’t not getting chosen and invited back.

The part to worry about is why this even factors into your day of something to worry about for you or your daughter.

Not only is it a complete non issue, you now want to write to the primary school?

Fast forward a few years. Are you going to write to your kids work if she doesn’t get ‘chosen’ to present in a meeting? It’s extreme but that’s why we teach our kids niw so they are prepared later in life when this happens many many many many time over.

As others have said - stop helicoptering or bulldozing. Teach resilience that not everyone gets chosen for everything.

Seriously don’t … like just move on. So much more will happen …. Kids need to learn resilience. Time to look forward.

How many were in the class and how many were invited back? If she was literally the only one not invited I’d say it’s poor, otherwise she/you needs to suck it up

Please don't be that parent.

It’s fine to feel disappointed. That’s a natural reaction. However, don’t make it an issue. Explain that the school were limited to how many they could invite back and she’ll get other opportunities later in life.

You cannot protect your child from sometimes being overlooked for things. It’s a normal aspect of life that others will be chosen over you sometimes. It’s a parent’s job to teach your child resilience and build self esteem. I feel really sorry for schools having to deal with crap like this. What do you expect them to do? Have everyone there? Or not do the event at all?

What usually happens is that the local secondary schools send out a selection of students to their Primary schools around the time of submitting applications for next year’s Y7 intake. The primary schools have no say in which children visit and don’t send out invitations. Blimey, Y6 teachers have enough crap to get through this time of year without having to chase up last years leavers, post invites, set up visits!