What would make a nice man from a normal, uncomplicated, middle class family choose to keep getting involved with women with so much baggage?

[BakersKitchen]

I’m talking about my DB - of course he now has baggage himself so finding someone with zero baggage is probably out of the equation!

He is recently in another relationship, following a divorce, with a woman who has complicated circumstances. The women all have children from previous relationships (this current one has two from two different fathers and has had another cohabiting partner since). The previous one was much older and her child was the product of an affair which led to the relationship breakdown.

He also has his own child with his ex wife, who also had her own child from a previous relationship and was also much older than him. He married her extremely quickly after not having known her very long at all. He is now repenting at leisure!

All the women are on low incomes, supported by UC, living in poor quality rented accommodation or social housing. DB owns his own home and I wonder if they see him as a meal ticket although the divorce has cleared him out and his LTV is now back down to about 12%.

I can’t understand it. Why doesn’t he want to meet someone without all this drama and baggage?

We are (outside of this) a very nice normal middle class family with married parents and zero drama. My other brother, cousins, and I have all married nice, professional, university educated partners with no prior children and I’m finding myself increasingly frustrated that he keeps introducing these women and their children into our family dynamic, and then out again.

I feel desperately sorry for all children involved and extremely concerned there’s going to be another pregnancy announcement soon!

What’s the psychology here? Is it wanting to feel needed? Low self esteem? The irony is he has always been so judgemental about these sorts of situations and here he is living it!

Why would he expect his partners to work? The normal middle class lifestyle modelled to him as a child was a SAHM. I wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole because his family seems judgemental and toxic. How many people do you think enter into relationships expecting them to breakdown and them to end up with baggage? I certainly didn’t but here I am with baggage of my own… I’m just wise enough to know that single is better than a relationship with a man and a toxic extended family

You say that but I work full time (and make more than my DH), my other brothers wife also works full time

When mothers work full time, it tends to be because the father supports them and contributes equal parenting once they’re both home. Some fathers don’t do this, and so the mother isn’t able to work full time because they carry the full load at home. Is your brother one of those fathers?

Well, he is the common denominator in that story.

So I am not sure why you choose to criticise/blame these women and imply they are not good enough for him.

For all you know he thrives on drama or seeks these women because he has a saviour complex.

Or he might even have darker motives and targets women who are vulnerable in some way because he thinks they are easier to control and more likely to put up with a dubious partner because these women lack self-confidence. Or he might target vulnerable women with kids on purpose.

Frankly you need to get off your high horse and look at your brother with a more critical eye.

I used to have a male friend who was intelligent, cultured and attractive who used to complain that he only attracted 'crazy' women who took advantaged of the fact that he had a good, well paid job and was 'empathic'. I learned later on that behind close doors he was abusing all his girlfriends and purposely targeted vulnerable, unstable women and of course no longer had anything to do with him. So the facade of middle class respectability and niceness just was a smoke screen for a predator.

I used to have a male friend who was intelligent, cultured and attractive who used to complain that he only attracted 'crazy' women who took advantaged of the fact that he had a good, well paid job and was 'empathic'. I learned later on that behind close doors he was abusing all his girlfriends and purposely targeted vulnerable, unstable women and of course no longer had anything to do with him. So the facade of middle class respectability and niceness just was a smoke screen for a predator.

This. If a man has one "crazy problem ex" I might,.just might, think there's a glimmer of truth in his story. It all his ex girlfriends are "crazy" then we have to look at the common denominator

The middle class upbringing is a red herring. Your brother has always needed extra help and care from your parents so the sign was always there.

Away from your parents guiding hand, he has led a life that is chaotic because that is who he is. He has baggage but you are seeing his baggage as somehow less than the women he has been involved with.

Your focus shouldn't be on the women he has been involved with and really you should see your brother as the person he really is. Also, bear in mind, you never know how he truly treats the women he is involved with behind closed doors.

It takes two to tango!

Your brother has chosen to be in relationships with these women because he obviously sees something in them. You might view their lifestyle as chaotic, but he may see it as exciting or spontaneous. Just because you've grown up in the same household doesn't mean you're going to make the same choices or be attracted to the same things. That's a bit short-sighted, to be honest. Siblings can be completely different people, with different personalities, values, and priorities.

What appeals to you doesn't necessarily appeal to him, and vice versa. That's just human nature.

‘We are outside of this a very nice normal middle class family’

So people who haven’t had the same opportunities as you can’t be nice or normal? I have 3 degrees and was left as a single parent, thank god my partner didn’t have the same views on me as you 😂.

I get it, would hate this for my son

Im sorry but uf he has DC and DSC from his prior marriage even if he now only considers his DC his.. he has bagage too.

But you sound incredibly judgemental, and like your brother is "better" than these women.

Yes my mum hates it too - it’s not really a lifestyle you would choose which is why I can’t understand why he has

I’ve said multiple times, including in my op, that I acknowledge he now also has baggage.

My point is he never needed to start out with these women in the first place. And then he certainly didn’t need to continue it.

Some men like to feel they are rescuing a woman. It makes him feel like a hero

I'd be careful if I was you. Life has a way of smacking you in the face when you least expect it. I say that as someone married for over thirty years with both DH and my DPs married for sixty years.
A couple of bereavements or an affair sending MH spiralling, and who knows where you'd be. I've seen it happen to those you'd least expect.

Oh I love the ducklings analogy!

The normal middle class lifestyle modelled to him as a child was a SAHM.
Can I ask where you got that from? Did I miss it?

Seem it now, please ignore post. I can't edit it.

@BakersKitchen Well just tell your db what you're really thinking: "Please don't bring any white trash chav living in social housing to our door step again."

Is he selfish and doesn’t see that bringing up children is hard work so just sees the ‘baggage’ as irrelevant in his self absorbed life. Sees the women as suitable partners but ignores the DCs.

My DS was very much like this. He was divorced and had 2 children who he couldn’t see very much because of the distance.
He ADHD ( undiagnosed ) and was often out of work but always seemed to be in a relationship with similar women with children .
Some of them were bonkers. One kept her year old child in a high chair all day long , two reasons ,, so the house would be kept very tidy and also so he wouldn’t learn to walk and she could claim a disability benefit for him down the road. I know this sounds mad but she’d already done it with some of her older children (it worked) .
DS eventually met a lovely woman of the same age as him . She encouraged him to get his ADHD diagnosed and to start on medication, which has done the trick . They have been together now for 4 years and he’s in full time work .
maybe your brother has an undiagnosed illness and would benefit from seeing a doctor .

Thank you for this - you understand. It’s not the lifestyle anyone would want for their family member is it? I’m pleased your son met someone nice and sensible

I don’t think that’s true - he is an involved father to his own daughter and does a lot for the kids of these other women until they vanish from his life - is still in touch with one as is almost and adult and able to maintain the relationship without his mother’s input

It’s almost as though you feel your brother is contaminating the rest of your stable middle-class clan by his feckless dating choices among poor, WC women with multiple children. Like he’s letting the side down.

Worse, his children may grow up with loads of half and step-siblings from multiple relationships, regard university as an expensive pipe dream for rich people, and think it’s normal to live in ‘poor quality rented accommodation’ (as of course it is for many). It doesn’t take long for MC trappings to get lost, generationally. You might have to ‘explain’ your WC nieces and nephews at parties. ‘Chardonnay? From the ne’er do we’ll branch of the family!’

Sounds like he is the family scapegoat. Your family could function so well because everyone's dysfunction (we all have some) got loaded onto him. Whenever I see the words 'nice' and 'normal' it's a clue about the way in which that person is locating their own darker side externally in other people or other situations.

I don’t understand what this means - in what way is he a scapegoat? Quite the opposite really. I’m not sure what you mean about our “darker side” either - there are no skeletons, we’re a very boring family