What would make a nice man from a normal, uncomplicated, middle class family choose to keep getting involved with women with so much baggage?

[BakersKitchen]

I’m talking about my DB - of course he now has baggage himself so finding someone with zero baggage is probably out of the equation!

He is recently in another relationship, following a divorce, with a woman who has complicated circumstances. The women all have children from previous relationships (this current one has two from two different fathers and has had another cohabiting partner since). The previous one was much older and her child was the product of an affair which led to the relationship breakdown.

He also has his own child with his ex wife, who also had her own child from a previous relationship and was also much older than him. He married her extremely quickly after not having known her very long at all. He is now repenting at leisure!

All the women are on low incomes, supported by UC, living in poor quality rented accommodation or social housing. DB owns his own home and I wonder if they see him as a meal ticket although the divorce has cleared him out and his LTV is now back down to about 12%.

I can’t understand it. Why doesn’t he want to meet someone without all this drama and baggage?

We are (outside of this) a very nice normal middle class family with married parents and zero drama. My other brother, cousins, and I have all married nice, professional, university educated partners with no prior children and I’m finding myself increasingly frustrated that he keeps introducing these women and their children into our family dynamic, and then out again.

I feel desperately sorry for all children involved and extremely concerned there’s going to be another pregnancy announcement soon!

What’s the psychology here? Is it wanting to feel needed? Low self esteem? The irony is he has always been so judgemental about these sorts of situations and here he is living it!

I don’t believe anyone has said it’s only ever men. But the OP was asking about her brother

He likes the drama? He’s controlling and co-revive? He’s immature and wants a mummy figure?

So...he is quite derogatory about women who have lives like this (with multiple factors making them potentially vulnerable) yet actively chooses to form relationships with them?

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

What’s not flattering is people moving in and out of adult relationships forgetting the DCs needs, whatever class they are.

Not at all - he has always been the one who has had the most looking after of all of us really!

I appreciate that but honestly nothing happened. My parents were married, my mum was a sahm until I was 10 when she then only worked very part time. There was no conflict, my parents were supportive. We were just a nice normal family. No death, job loss, abuse, significant move. Nothing

I make more money than my husband. Yes we have two incomes but I don’t rely on him for my “lifestyle”

Why did he need the most looking after of any family member - there’s your answer I think

I completely agree and I think it’s terrible. I worry a lot about my niece. She’s going to end up with a very complicated family at this rate and it’s destabilising

I don’t know he just always needed more TLC than me and my other brother who have always been pretty self sufficient and independent. My parents have definitely bailed him at out points and during his divorce he was living with them. I suppose from my point of view it’s wearing a bit thin really and I wish he would get his shit together

I'd say this. As a person who considers herself 'nice and normal', I'd not touch him with a bargepole. He sounds chaotic and unstable. Someone with a string of recent failed relationships at his age isn't a good choice for anyone hoping for a LTR.

I don’t disagree now. But I can’t understand why he started dating these chaotic women in the first place and, as you say, become chaotic himself. I did acknowledge that in my op.

I think one could be seen as a mistake. But more than that indicates something about him.

I've had one chaotic ex. I wouldn't touch another one similar, ever.

It sounds like you get that this now the pond in which he realistically fishes, and so does he. And tbh the way you describe your upbringing, solid middle class and stable rather than say obvious trappings of money, it might not have been as desirable as you might think to women looking in.

Other than that, some people just never settle, and as time passes they become more likely to find each other.

Yeah we definitely solid middle class although in the last 10 years or so my parents have come into money, largely through selling their house for £600k profit and a six figure redundancy that my dad received. They have been able to financially help us out and in the case of the ex wife she has definitely benefited from this in a way that that enabled to her to achieve goals she never would have been able to manage on her own. DB was weak in his divorce imo and gave her far too much and is paying for it now.

OP, my brother has had two serious live in partners in his life (his ex wife and his current partner). In both cases, for different reasons, they didn't / don't work and he was / is the sole breadwinner. It seems surprising to me that after supporting his ex wife for around 15 years he would choose to be in another relationship with someone in the same position. His choice though!

Exactly. He's only interested in what he's getting from the situation. My NDN is married to a woman who already had 3 DC to someone else than they had one together....only after one thing.

This is the root of your bitterness/enquiry isn’t it? That an unrelated person to your parents have got their hands on your parents money which you believe should be yours and your siblings. My advice to you is make your own money, support yourself; then you don’t need to get unhappy or ruminate about the whys of some money that you also haven’t earnt is going somewhere else.

Well it doesn’t really affect me directly because my parents have adjusted their wills so my other brother and I don’t get less but I still think it’s horribly unfair

When there's a pattern of repeatedly selecting low-income women, it's not a coincidence but his choice.

Weak or being a decent person?

Weak - she has ended up with more than half despite contributing very little

Life, or a child, isn't a vending machine where you put in a SAHM, married parents, own house and car, good education and receive a stable, well- adjusted, self -sufficient adult who will choose a respectable partner in return. Plenty of "well brought up" kids turn to drugs, seek out unsuitable partners, drop out etc. You're unreasonable thinking a comfortable upbringing innoculates someone from having flaws or issues.
You resent him, but all you're being expected to do is be nice to a few kids sometimes really. Just be happy that it's not your life that's complicated.

Divorces are signed off by independent judges. If it isn’t fair, they won’t sign it off. It isn’t about being ‘weak’, there isn’t really an option thankfully to be either weak or strong; just a fair allocation to each party. Are you meaning by ‘contributing very little’ that he did far more in terms of both earned money, childcare and housework? Or do you mean she contributed little financially - because she was doing the parenting?

She contributed X years of her life the same as your DB did.