What would make a nice man from a normal, uncomplicated, middle class family choose to keep getting involved with women with so much baggage?

[BakersKitchen]

I’m talking about my DB - of course he now has baggage himself so finding someone with zero baggage is probably out of the equation!

He is recently in another relationship, following a divorce, with a woman who has complicated circumstances. The women all have children from previous relationships (this current one has two from two different fathers and has had another cohabiting partner since). The previous one was much older and her child was the product of an affair which led to the relationship breakdown.

He also has his own child with his ex wife, who also had her own child from a previous relationship and was also much older than him. He married her extremely quickly after not having known her very long at all. He is now repenting at leisure!

All the women are on low incomes, supported by UC, living in poor quality rented accommodation or social housing. DB owns his own home and I wonder if they see him as a meal ticket although the divorce has cleared him out and his LTV is now back down to about 12%.

I can’t understand it. Why doesn’t he want to meet someone without all this drama and baggage?

We are (outside of this) a very nice normal middle class family with married parents and zero drama. My other brother, cousins, and I have all married nice, professional, university educated partners with no prior children and I’m finding myself increasingly frustrated that he keeps introducing these women and their children into our family dynamic, and then out again.

I feel desperately sorry for all children involved and extremely concerned there’s going to be another pregnancy announcement soon!

What’s the psychology here? Is it wanting to feel needed? Low self esteem? The irony is he has always been so judgemental about these sorts of situations and here he is living it!

Maybe he's consciously selecting uneducated desperate single mums with the view to either control and abuse them or their children?

A veneer of 'nice middle class' does not exempt any man from being an abuser.

Did you say somewhere how old your brother and the women he’s dating are? Because after a certain point everyone has baggage. It seems deeply shortsighted to think MC people are immune to being poor or having children from different relationships — I mean, your brother has a child from a previous relationship, and is far from wealthy now?

Ah you are so entrenched you missed the point. It is none of your business. Your brother’s life and the choices he makes are his own.

Do you never wonder what he might say about your intolerance of anyone who doesn’t conform to your limited view?

At this point your brother comes with a child and a custody arrangement. That is going to limit his dating pool.

Why does it matter that they’re in social housing? You’re actually fucking foul and maybe that’s why your brother’s a crank too

He's attracted to women in more vulnerable situations than himself who he can have some power over?

Is there family history for this -my DB seemed to follow my uncles behaviour when choosing a partner

Counselling might be helpful for him it I doubt he thinks he needs it

Saviour complex?
Lack of self confidence in finding someone without this?
At an age where the only single women available come with baggage?

I mean he's divorced. He's not exactly without his own baggage is he? Perhaps that's the point. He feels he has more in common with them.

You sound like my mother in law OP and how she referred to me when her son started dating me. I didn’t have kids or a history but I wasn’t good enough for him… 19 years down the line and his family are the dysfunctional one with all the baggage and I’m really boring. She thought I was after him for money - he’s been persistently in debt the entire time I’ve known him while I don’t have so much as an overdraft.

the judgemental people such as OPs naice middle class family are usually the ones with the most baggage to hide. Perhaps he recognises what he believes is love in these so called baggage relationships. It’s more likely to reflect what he grew up believing to be a proper relationship than anything else. Look closer to home OP and you’ll find your answer

No I know that as I said in my OP he has his own baggage now. But he didn’t at 24

Because, of course, single women with low incomes and children from previous relationships are obviously going to make poor partners for your delightfully middle-class brother. What a bunch of damaged goods. I bet they don't even shop at Waitrose! Imagine the horror if one of your neighbours asked about your brother's girlfriend's LTV and you having to admit that she's renting in social housing. SOCIAL HOUSING 😱You might as well say that she's a prostitute!!!

Or maybe he's discovered that income is absolutely not a reliable indicator of what makes a good partner. I mean, if he stuck with middle-class women he might end up with someone like you and fuck that for a game of soldiers.

But my point is that none of the relationships are working out and it is adding to a cacophony of chaos with multiple women and children/children and their baby daddies. I accept he has baggage himself now - what I can’t understand is why he has chosen to have loads of baggage when he never needed to!

It was written in a snobby way, but I can understand the concern over the revolving door approach to blending families. My SIL has moved her daughter in/out with multiple men and got pregnant with someone she knew for 5 months. My BIL has just moved a woman and child in with him and his son (that he co-parents with ex wife) who he has supposedly dated for 1 year. I say supposedly because the year marker matches up to the exact date she left her husband/father of her child. One of my BILs best friends also moved a woman and her two kids in with him as his son then asked them to leave as he said he just wasn’t feeling it anymore. It’s not the blending of families that’s an issue, it’s the blending then unblending cycle! Seems really traumatic and unstable for the children to bond and then be ripped away again.

What you're describing in such disparaging terms as "baggage" is what other people call their lives. Your brother included. Have you tried not being such an awful fucking snob?

Nevertheless if you're really so concerned I'm sure you have a lengthy list of eligible, middle-classed, baggage-free, low-LTV single female friends you can set him up with and that would meet your narrow-minded criteria for who he should fall in love with. Crack on.

Oh so very disappointing for you.
Perhaps he is happier in the type he is seeing
I do not see a attraction to a income or main stream type as always a attractive option
I very much bldoubt thry want a income source you judgemental person.
Poor bugher probably sick of your shallow mentality?.

What is the actual “baggage” and “chaos” that you’re referring to? It sounds like you mean the mere existence of the children and perhaps shared care?

Who exactly are you expecting him to date? You don’t say how old he is but at a certain point he’s unlikely to meet women who don’t already have kids.

Sounds like your db has his own baggage too.. doesn’t sound like the catch of catches to me.

He has trouble sustaining long term relationships and so attracts women who also have trouble sustaining long term relationships? Otherwise, they'd all (your brother and the women involved) be looking for partners with different qualities altogether.

That's my take on it anyway. If your brother isn't what you would consider 'nice', 'normal', 'stable' and 'baggage free', he isn't going to attract women who are these things either.

I'm a working class woman with one dc. Is this how people see women like me?

I think i have a bit to offer, great chat, love of food and travel, love of learning, can pick out the perfect gif - what a lovely reminder that to some, youll always be seen as beneath them 😬🤷‍♀️

Agree. The DB probably feels suffocated.

Only to people with narrow minds and low self esteem though

I think it’s just a case of you overstating how desirable your brother is and how “wholesome” he is.

firstly, is he even attractive to the women you perceive to be worthy for him? Because you then go on to lay out a pattern of “unworthy” women being with him, maybe that’s what he attracts?

secondly, maybe instead of women seeing him
as a meal ticket, he just likes the power / control? Many men feel more comfortable in a traditional gender role relationship and feel threatened dating an ambitious woman / higher earner etc. He might like them being dependent on him

and finally it could just come down to sex? If ultimately they’re both attracted to each other and are meeting each others needs, he might not care about a woman having kids already.

He is choosing women he thinks he can "save" possibly. Women marry up and men marry down, generally. A lot of that is because men want someone they can feel superior to, so as his life gets increasingly complicated with exes and step kids, perhaps he wants someone with worse so he can feel less messed up?

Yes thank you this is it. As I said, we welcomed the first woman and her child and treated him as family (Xmas presents, days out etc) but now we are onto the third with lots of different children and my actual niece in the mix it’s all very complicated and unstable. And yes I understand my brother has his own baggage - my question is why he has chosen to create this for himself when it’s not how he was brought up, there was no need!

Maybe the thought of being in a relationship with the someone who has the same mindset as his family is horrifyingly boring to him?