What would make a nice man from a normal, uncomplicated, middle class family choose to keep getting involved with women with so much baggage?

[BakersKitchen]

I’m talking about my DB - of course he now has baggage himself so finding someone with zero baggage is probably out of the equation!

He is recently in another relationship, following a divorce, with a woman who has complicated circumstances. The women all have children from previous relationships (this current one has two from two different fathers and has had another cohabiting partner since). The previous one was much older and her child was the product of an affair which led to the relationship breakdown.

He also has his own child with his ex wife, who also had her own child from a previous relationship and was also much older than him. He married her extremely quickly after not having known her very long at all. He is now repenting at leisure!

All the women are on low incomes, supported by UC, living in poor quality rented accommodation or social housing. DB owns his own home and I wonder if they see him as a meal ticket although the divorce has cleared him out and his LTV is now back down to about 12%.

I can’t understand it. Why doesn’t he want to meet someone without all this drama and baggage?

We are (outside of this) a very nice normal middle class family with married parents and zero drama. My other brother, cousins, and I have all married nice, professional, university educated partners with no prior children and I’m finding myself increasingly frustrated that he keeps introducing these women and their children into our family dynamic, and then out again.

I feel desperately sorry for all children involved and extremely concerned there’s going to be another pregnancy announcement soon!

What’s the psychology here? Is it wanting to feel needed? Low self esteem? The irony is he has always been so judgemental about these sorts of situations and here he is living it!

Maybe it’s an interesting theory

Let him get on with it. It’s his life NOT yours. He’s already divorced with a child, he will inevitably meet someone of the same status.
Mind your own business and get on with your own life!

my question is why he has chosen to create this for himself when it’s not how he was brought up, there was no need!

First thing that comes to my mind... he's 'different' from the rest of you in some way (ADHD, BPD, something else or maybe just his personality) and his upbringing didn't meet his particular needs though it may have worked fine for the rest of you. Some ducklings just don't walk in a line.

You seem very set on his upbringing somehow dictating how you think he should date. My upbringing trained me to leave school early, marry a local tradesman young and be a SAHM to a large family. Instead I got four degrees, married someone similar aged 39 and had one child by choice.

Sounds like me but the reverse
am well educated, great well payed job, decent well brought up children, middle class background

I choose absolute lunatics, bedecked in red flag banners

I am too embarrassed to go in to the details

done the Freedom Program etc, still did it again

im now staying well away from any men to try and break the habit of a lifetime

he has a Saviour complex?

I’m going to ignore any comments about me being snobby. I’ve already made it perfectly clear I am concerned about the revolving door and increasingly complicated set of circumstances with different women, their children and the interactions with their previous partners and the wider impact on my niece. I mentioned money because my parents have it and I believe his ex wife used my family for their money and has a rather nice life for herself now.

I’m simply trying to understand why someone with a stable upbringing would repeatedly enter into such chaos.

More that we had a a very stable childhood so it’s bizarre to me that he has chosen such an unstable one for his own child. There’s no trauma there

I’m simply trying to understand why someone with a stable upbringing would repeatedly enter into such chaos.

Are you sure there's not something up with the rest of you, as opposed to your brother?

People are different. Most families have at least one 'black sheep', but most don't care about it beyond saying 'oh that's Uncle Terry's latest partner, who knows how long she'll last'.

You seem curiously put out by this, as if it's a personal reflection on your family. I'm beginning to feel a little sorry for your DBro. Can't have been easy to be the loopy, 'unstable' one growing up in a family of paragons. Whereas the reality is that lots of people are a bit doolally and they're happier if surrounded by others who are also a bit doolally.

Maybe he does, but it's not always easy. Over a particular (not certain!) age most people have kids. A lot of people are already married. Add to the fact just meeting/chatting up someone now seems more unusual than dating apps, and it's hard, because not many good people who want a family won't have already settled by that age, which means most will have what you call "baggage".

I have a brother like this but it’s just accidental really. First wife cheated on him and they split with one child. Not his fault. Then, as he was older, many available partners have children and as he co parents, he found they understood his situation more and it avoided women without children who might resent a step child.

He had a very conventional upbringing but circumstances led him down a different route. But not a worse route, just a different one. I think we all need to understand that there are many ways of living and no one has the monopoly on ‘right’.

Sometimes though, the more stable your own background the least likely you are to understand the harm an unstable one will be. A lot of men are inherently selfish, sadly, and don't look at things through their kids eyes (or more of them would be paying maintenance, for starters).

I think you need to drop the whole thing about his first wife having "done well for herself" - he picked her because he could impress her. It was HIS choice as much as hers.

It was and I probably do resent it a bit - for various complicated reasons it does feel like she has ended up walking away with some of my family money and she was a horrible person so I do begrudge it her unfortunately

@HappySummerFun its because he brings them all to stuff and we are all expected to just immediately treat the new children as our own nieces/nephews/grandchildren (I would never be unkind to children it does get a bit tiresome when a little while later you have a new set) and it messes with the dynamic at family events. It is a bit selfish but I really like my other brother’s wife and it would be nice if he could pick someone easy that fit in and then we could all have a nice time

Maybe it makes him feel superior, maybe he thinks he can "save them". Only he can answer that question.

It’s because women without children (or baggage as you call it) would prefer to start a relationship with a man who also doesn’t have children. Whether they want children in the future or not. It works both ways.

I completely agree but he got into a relationship with a woman with a child when he didn’t have any yet

He may see them as someone that needs to be saved. ( and I am not refering to st lundy of bancroft).

It could be that he finds their situation relatable.

It could be that because of his financial situation the women see him as a catch and a way out of their situation.

But who knows?

You could ask your DB to reflect on it before he enters another relationship,

It is a bit selfish but I really like my other brother’s wife and it would be nice if he could pick someone easy that fit in and then we could all have a nice time

I get that, but if that's not who your brother is, it's probably not going to happen.

Then I think you need to look at that belief, and why you think childhood trauma would ‘explain’ his dating choices.

Have you considered that it might be that he’s not a very nice person?

I’ve read most of your posts, and you have lots of negative words for all the women, and none for him, except a bit of baggage.

and yet, it seems, it is he that is the common denominator.

For example, you judge the women for ‘seeing him as a meal ticket’ and yet if that is the trade, then he is equally using them for whatever it is they offer that he hasn’t got.

I sighed when you felt the need to mention you’re middle class? What does that even mean in this context?

Your brother is probably rebelling from a stuffy upbringing where you felt you had to do what what was seen as respectable.

You’re worried about a pregnancy announcement? He knows by now how to avoid one!

I would wonder what they see in him.

Wow… Judgy

Yes but it’s just typical of how these things play out isn’t it unfortunately

Myself and one sibling see our childhood as totally dysfunctional, our other sibling sees it completely differently. I think your brother’s perspective on his childhood would be interesting.