Do I confess my feelings to my boss before moving to the other side of the world?

[scaredaboutwork]

I’ve fallen in love with my boss. We are both 28. He’s not technically my line manager, but he’s one of two team leaders, so there is obviously still a work dynamic there.

I’ve genuinely never felt like this about anyone before. We’ve grown really close over the last few months and hang out outside of work sometimes, just the two of us. Nothing has actually happened and it’s all been platonic, but I feel like there is something between us.

I think he likes me too, but obviously I can’t know for sure.

There have been enough moments/signs that make me think I’m not imagining it, but I also know when you really like someone you can read into things.

My feeling is that if it is mutual, we’ve both probably avoided actually doing anything about it because 1) we work together, 2) he’s in a more senior position, and 3) neither of us wants to risk rejection and then have to see each other at work afterwards.

Which brings me to the problem.

I’ve been offered a job in Australia, starting in the New Year.

If he wasn’t in the picture, this would already be a huge life decision, but now I feel completely torn.

Part of me thinks I should just take the opportunity, go to Australia and accept that the timing with him was wrong. I also know that realistically pursuing something while I’m still working with him could get complicated.

But I keep imagining myself sitting on the flight wondering whether I’ve just walked away from someone I could have had something really special with because neither of us was brave enough to say anything. As I said earlier, I’ve literally never felt this way before.

At the same time, the idea of confessing how I feel terrifies me. If I’ve completely misread him, I’ve potentially made our friendship and working relationship awkward right before I leave.

Would you tell him before deciding?

Yeah, this. I really think you need to make a decision about Australia and leave him out of it. Hard though this will be.

Is it a permanent role or would you be coming home in a year or so?

So he knows about the job offer - that was his chance to say that he would really rather you did not go as he fancies the pants off you. He didn't, soo maybe grab this new opportunity and see where it takes you.

This

are you normally good at reading signals in others or do you have form for getting it wrong? This self-critique / asking onself is worth it

Take the job. Its a 6 month adventure. If he already knows and hasn't said anything I don't think he feels the same way you do. However, I would put my big girl pants on, tell him you've accepted the role for 6 months and also tell him you have feelings. If he feels the same you'd like to explore in 6 months.

It’s literally 6 months of your life.

He’ll still be there if you decided to come back.

You are overthinking this.
Just ask him if he fancies and bonk and get it out of you system😁

Sounds like you need to be a bit clearer about how you feel about him (not necessarily telling him all in one go that you’ve never felt like this and wouldn’t move to Australia if he asked you not to, but, you know clearer than “I don’t know if this is supposed to be a date or not”).

Don't waste your career opportunity on somebody who is not into you.

I think since she already seemed to reject him he probably thinks he’s been friend-zoned already

TELL HIM. I mean honestly it sounds like he likes you. Tell him, then decide about the job. And tell us what happens. Good luck.

Have you spoken to him about the job offer? His response will tell you if he feels the same as you.
I’m of the mindset nothing ventured nothing gained so I would tell him!

I think if he was interested in you in a romantic way he would have made a move already. I would not say anything, go enjoy Australia and keep in touch with him as a friend

Maybe watch this episode again

Oh and I definitely think you should tell him how you feel, and see what he says.

I think people here are being a bit “cool” i.e. cool women will fuck him off and go to Australia. In reality, moving abroad is not for everyone.

Also, some people care more about relationships and having a family than a career. Equally there might be other career opportunities. Good relationships can be hard to find also.

It’s absolutely fine to prioritise a romantic relationship. If he’s a good guy and you work out, he might support you with the move anyway or help with the decision anyway! Or it just might be a non starter. What would not be fine is letting a potential relationship impact your decision making on Australia but not actually acting on the relationship part- worst of both worlds.

Ask the guy out for a drink, don’t talk about Australia, see what happens. Be aware you might need to navigate an awkward work situation too.

I fell for my boss, sounds like we had a similar relationship to you. It was cosy, we were friendly beyond work chat and he was just so so clearly my person. We both made a slight hint at more during a Christmas party and decided to go to the pub to talk about it. We both acknowledged that due to the work element we needed to be sure from the get go. We both were. He took a sideways move into a different team to not be in breach of any work policies, which took about 3 months to happen- working together every day, keeping the relationship quiet was tough. But his willingness to make the move and his insistence that my career stay on track showed his commitment and that he was a good guy. Kept it quiet but not secret for a further year, when he moved in. His support and backing has allowed my career to flourish, more so than any particular job. Married 6 years, a decade together. I am very ambitious but always said that the thing I wanted most in life was a happy marriage and I would be more upset to miss out on that than career stuff. Turns out the two went hand in hand.

If it was for a fling, I’d tell you to focus on the job, but if he’s potentially the love of your life and you want to settle down, 28 is a pretty good age and why would you potentially miss that?

@scaredaboutwork , I always think that in these situations, it's better to tell the person in a light enough way that if they don't feel the same as you then they are able to let you down easily without it seeming like a big deal. So an example would be, when you are together (not at work) having a good chat, bring it to the subject of relationships… And say something about how you could only be in a relationship with someone that you get on really well with and have a good connection with, then say "for example someone like you, but I'm sure you wouldn't go for someone like me!" That way, you're being self-deprecating and lighthearted enough so that if he doesn't feel the same, he might say something like "oh yeah sorry, but I do tend to go for a totally different type to you", and you can then reply nonchalantly like "ah well that's alright, cos it's obvious that you and I have a really great platonic friendship anyway, so we could never be partners and I will continue going for people who are wrongly-suited to me, haha!"

(Gosh i've just written the whole script there!)

^ That is the worst case scenario anyway! What would hopefully happen is, in response to you saying that you would like to hypothetically be with someone like him, but he probably would never go for someone like you... he will reply "oh gosh of course I'd go for someone like you, but you are way out of my league and I never thought you would like me like that way..."
Cue blushes and smiles and general loveliness of exchanging flattering comments and having your first kiss together!

You're welcome.😘

In summary, I think it's best to keep it hypothetical when sussing out if someone likes you back. It leaves wriggle room for backtracking if necessary!

Good luck, and make sure you let us know how it goes!

No don’t do it, go to Australia you can always come back, a potential partner is no reason to upend your life. It might start out as scary but I think you’ll have a great time and be glad you went.

Oh and another way of doing it, is (easier after a few drinks) is that whole thing when you're out of "ooh it feels like a date... is it a date? haha, it kind of feels like one" etc.
That could steer you to the conversation about how you thought he was jokingly when he asked you on a date before and that's why you turned him down - you need to clear that up!

You'd be going from 0-100 if you suddenly launch in and tell him you love him and want a future together enough for you to give up the possibility of a new life overseas.
Could you arrange a few casual 'dates' and see how things progress - pizza and a movie, wander round a gallery and Saturday brunch or something and see if there is any spark coming back from him.
If he doesn't want to do this I think you have your answer.

I would send him a text. Apologise for laughing when he asked you on a date. Say you were caught out and handled it badly. So you would like to ask him on a date on Saturday for dinner. If he doesn't want to it's easy as saves face for both of you.

Tell him. Even if he feels the same you can still go for 6 months which will fly by & then take the next step from there.

Personally I absolutely would not say no to such an incredible opportunity for a man I am not in a relationship with.

I think you would be crazy to do so.

Do not ruin your chance of a lifetime with your career!
You will meet someone in Australia; its full of men too!

You really don't have to feel as strongly as he does about moving. Just give it a go for 6 months. You can even ask about taking it as unpaid leave.

Why can't you ask him on a date? You don't have to confess any feelings, you just want to try whether he's for you. He might be a terrible kisser or terrible in bed!

At 28 I wouldn't count on him never moving back to NZ or to Aus.