AIBU to feel upset that DH's birthday trip excludes me and the kids

[Yomuma]

As a birthday present a couple of moniths back, a family member bought DH a voucher for a fun group activity. It is for 8 people,and involves a weekend away. We planned to take our 2 teens and invite 4 others, either friends or family, we hadn't decided yet. Kids were excited to go. Then today the family member sends a message on a group family chat inviting 3 of DHs cousins (who DH rarely sees) and their partners to go with them and DH. No invite for me or the kids. They have all accepted, so no places left - so now I need to tell the kids they arent going after all.
AIBU to think it is a bit rude to buy someone a voucher, then just invite people and not invite his wife or kids without even checking first?
Even if the invite had gone to just the 3 cousins, not their partners, that would leave 3 spots for me and the kids. For context, DH and the family member have met the partners once at a funeral. Just feels a bit hurtful. We have been married for 16 years. DH doesnt want any drama so will go with the flow, but agrees it is all quite odd.
We are seeing this family member this weekend, not sure if to say anything? Even just a sarcastic "thanks for the invite" type comment.

I would kind of understand it a bit more if your kids were little, and the 'giver' was your everyday misogynist who sees your role purely as a mother to stay at home and care for them, whilst your DH gets to go out and do fun things on his own... but even that doesn't make sense when your kids are teenagers.

What do you mean DH will go with the flow? That makes no sense. He is being bullied by the relative into inviting whoever they want. Why can't your husband stand up for his family? He is conveniently sitting on the fence and allowing you to be the bad guy, whereas he should have immediately called them out saying that their plans exclude his own wife and kids, and therefore that is not acceptable to him.

Just tell them what he’s already decided to do with the gift.

I can’t imagine the level of weak people-pleasing you’d need to reach to disappoint your children like this. Speak up.

If your DH is given the voucher for eight people then up to him who is invited. If I was him I'd give the voucher back and say you take care of it then if thats how you want it. No way would I go along with this control.

Or is the voucher just for one place?

I'd wonder whether the 'giver' actively chose a voucher for specifically 8 people, as opposed to it being an activity that is always done as a group of 8 regardless. The natural assumption would be that you'd want to do it as a family, so you would buy a voucher for 4.

Even him claiming one of the places for himself is a bit off - you'd only normally do this if you were the spouse or child of the birthday person, and you know that they will obviously want you and the rest of the family to join them.

Do they?

The norm for people I know, especially for a big birthday (IDK if this a big birthday), is a family meal and then out with your peers (or on 2 separate days). Other parent is often the one having the kids.

I'd be very inclined to find another person - preferably a boorish, unpleasant, arrogant uncle or similar - and your DH give them the remaining ticket instead of going himself!

@Yomuma

1. Who is the gift giver?
2. What possible reason could there be for the gift giver to be doing this and excluding you?
3. Is your DH controlled by messy family dynamics?
4. Is the activity teen appropriate? Meaning it could involve heavy drinking/pub crawl activity, extra expenses?
5. What are you going to do?
6. Have you read the riot act to DH?

But he's not going out with his good mates, is he? He's going out with some cousins whom he barely knows and their spouses.

And their kids are teenagers, so they don't need somebody to stay at home and look after them and put them to bed early anymore.

Did DH not think that a voucher for 8 people was a very strange present, given he has an immediate family of four?
Who gives a present for 8 people randomly?
I would of questioned tjat immediately.
There has been a huge communication problem here, but we don't have enough information to be able to work out who is the most at fault 🧐

Maybe it's so he gets to know his blood relatives. Seems like a good idea since he barely knows them. I did think the OP said he barely sees them but you must know this family better.

But if this activity was meant to be one the gift giver thought would include cousins etc and they have a say who is going, then surely they don’t give a voucher as the present, they invite them to the activity

If they give the voucher as a present then it is up to the person whose birthday it is who they invite on the activity

What was the husband's reaction to all this?

If your husband has the voucher, then surely he decides who's going, when the family member arrives, both you and your children thank them for the voucher, and say how excited you all are about spending family time together on husband/dad's special day. Hopefully they will feel suitably awkward about being so thoughtless.

That is one strange birthday present. We got you this voucher so you can get to know your cousins better

@Alittlefrustrated you have put a relevant point there! DH receiving a birthday present voucher for 8, when he has a family of 4.

Does DH know more than he is letting on?

DH: ”Oh well, I will just go to along with it, let’s not make a fuss”. He gets a weekend away.

What did the husband say about all this?

This is why I think there is a backstory OP isnt aware of. Context.

It’s really mean of that family member because they haven’t given your DH a voucher for 8 people. They’ve bought him ONE PLACE on a day out.

Your DH should tell them that you and his children have been looking forward to going since he received it.

Go back and say; oh thought it was a gift for DH to invite whoever; say us 4 are definites (you, DH and 2 teens), so there are only 4 spaces left. To keep the peace, say you are v welcome family member, but then there will be only 3 places from your side. Pls don’t let DH be a doormat; your kids were excited, bless them.

Agree with PP's, DH has not been gifted the voucher just 1 spot on the activity . The Gift Giver always intended him/herself (assume this is his sibling) to be the owner of the voucher but did not communicate this to DH (or perhaps they did and DH is keeping quiet).
Anyway time is of the essence as it needs to be nipped in the bud with one of the suggested short responses. But it doesn't sound as if DH is up for that.

It does seem a weird number, doesn't it? Maybe it's something like going up in a small plane or on a boat where there are 8 seats/parachutes or whatever per session - so only using 4 would be needlessly wasting capacity

If it isn't anything like that, and you just book as gew or as many places as you want, it's very odd - and rather suggests that the 'giver' planned his own treat all along, with the people he wanted to take, and the idea that it's present for OP's DH's birthday was always just a ruse.

Why is your husband still going when his family have been excluded? Presumably the gift giver has an agenda being selective about who can avail of the voucher. Your husband needs to hand the voucher back and say thanks but no thanks. Deciding who can avail of the voucher is disrespectful to my wife and children. Who is the gift giver? They don't respect your husband, you or your children. Something bigger behind this. Time to shut it down.

I don't think it's unusual for many people to have cousins whom they never or rarely see. They're just people who happened to have the same grandparents as you, so unless you find that you get on especially well, you'll frequently find that they live their lives, you live yours, and your paths just don't cross.

In any case, though, why does a birthday present for a middle-aged adult have to be a 'teachable' lesson? And what on earth is strange about wanting to spend your birthday with your spouse and kids?

If your dh has the voucher he just needs to reply with a quick message such as" Thanks for the voucher we have booked to use it already and x,y, z are all super excited" hope you all have a fabulous time when you go but I wont make that as we are already going. Then get your dh to book directly for who he wants to attend. They cab make there own arrangements to book and pay.