AIBU to feel upset that DH's birthday trip excludes me and the kids

[Yomuma]

As a birthday present a couple of moniths back, a family member bought DH a voucher for a fun group activity. It is for 8 people,and involves a weekend away. We planned to take our 2 teens and invite 4 others, either friends or family, we hadn't decided yet. Kids were excited to go. Then today the family member sends a message on a group family chat inviting 3 of DHs cousins (who DH rarely sees) and their partners to go with them and DH. No invite for me or the kids. They have all accepted, so no places left - so now I need to tell the kids they arent going after all.
AIBU to think it is a bit rude to buy someone a voucher, then just invite people and not invite his wife or kids without even checking first?
Even if the invite had gone to just the 3 cousins, not their partners, that would leave 3 spots for me and the kids. For context, DH and the family member have met the partners once at a funeral. Just feels a bit hurtful. We have been married for 16 years. DH doesnt want any drama so will go with the flow, but agrees it is all quite odd.
We are seeing this family member this weekend, not sure if to say anything? Even just a sarcastic "thanks for the invite" type comment.

If I were DH, I'd say "Thanks for the invitation to your day out, but I'm not going to be able to make it - as it's my birthday that day/weekend/week, so we're going to have a family meal/day out to celebrate."

No drama needed. And if the 'gift giver' persists that THIS is his birthday present, just remark on what an extraordinary coincidence it is that it's also his three cousins AND their partners' birthday then as well! But anyhow, you celebrate birthdays as a family, so maybe another time, thanks.

The so-called 'gift giver' sounds like the kind of person who would gladly lend you his lawn mower, and make a big thing of it - but only to use on his lawn.

As I've said, maybe because the givers intended the gift to be something the husband does with friends and family.

Either the cousins' partners AND OP are also family, having married in, or none of them are. Unless the cousins all married their brothers or sisters...

But they might not think Husband needs space from everyone's partner, just his own...

As already said 'how does that work with spaces? Me, DH & the kids take up 4!' Keep it simple.

And his own kids, which he was excited to have a day out with...

However, i believe that DH is the Gifters "plus 1", the three cousins wives are their plus ones, and the whole voucherv
was split beyween four.

A gift voucher for 8 people to do an activity that your family is excited about sounds very expensive. When I’ve been given theatre vouchers and the like it is a value that gets used towards tickets for my family. What would be the value of this gift voucher? Is it normal that in your circle or with the gift giver to give gifts of that value? Was your husband actually given the voucher? Is his gift the whole voucher or his place on the activity? Has there been a misunderstanding or was the gift actually the whole voucher making the giver appear super generous but not really?

Eh? This is taking a dark turn! So what was supposedly primarily a birthday treat for DH and his own family (wife and kids) - plus a few other friends - is actually an excuse to urgently get him away from his own family for a day?

Does the 'gift giver' think that OP - and their kids - are abusing him or something? It's entirely normal for people to love their own families and naturally want to spend time doing special things together.

At the moment, the 'gift giver' seems to be trying to LARP the 'There were 10 in the bed' song, albeit with only 8 people.

I was thinking of the analogy with theatre tokens too. My friends know that I like going to the theatre. So - if someone wanted to buy a gift for me and thought “oh - Wimpole is in need of a night out away from her DH and kids”, or even “I’d really like to spend some time with her on her own”, then they would invite me to go to the theatre with them as their treat. If they bought me theatre tokens, however, the assumption would surely be that I’d use them for tickets to go with my DH or DC? It all sounds very odd and poorly executed indeed. It isn’t a gift if it comes with conditions like that.

Was the voucher just for your DH?
Or was he given 8 tickets to invite who he likes?

It sounds like the present giver had bought some kind of Groupon deal for 8 people for this activity. He has decided to give your DH 1 of these tickets as a birthday present and invite other friends as well.

Depending on the activity and who this present giver is (their circumstances) I wouldn't just assume that you and your DCs would automatically take the other spots for this activity.

But that still doesn't explain why he ostensibly gave the voucher for 8 as a present, rather than an invitation to use one place on his own voucher.

And the idea of a 'plus 1' is normally for single people or those whose partners can't make it or aren't interested - the default would be that, if you're invited as a couple, you would go with your partner... as has indeed been assumed for the three cousins!

You have a DH problem and a relative problem.

Who actually has the voucher?

Agree that this depends on how it was given as a gift and any stipulations on its use. It seems very strange that the giver would then take 7/8 places on the experience as that’s 1. Not much of a DH birthday gift and 2. A bit awkward for everyone concerned if they don’t all see each really regularly.

I think we need a bit more context.

This is so weird that your husband really needs to question it. Apart from anything else, if it's for his birthday then it's ridiculous that other participants get to bring their partners/spouses and he doesn't.

Maybe it would be simplest for him to say thanks but he won't be going, as he wants to spend his birthday with his family.

But then if he was only offered a place it's not really a 'gift'- the family member gave the present to themselves.

Odd then that it happens to be the cousins and partners who all get to go. Do what the first reply says, OP

Unless this voucher is still in the hands of the person who bought it, how on earth can they invite themselves, their partner, and 5 other people (only leaving room for your DH?)

I can't make any sense of this.

@Yomuma Can you come back to the thread and explain how this 'family member' of your DH's is managing to invite all these people on HIS voucher that he surely must have in his possession? I have had vouchers for 'experiences' before, and so has DH and many people I know, and the recipient ALWAYS has the voucher.

Because they’re controlling? It’s very obvious really.

Your DH needs to man up .
I’d go for politely bemused: ‘oh, but we’ve allocated four places to us and the kids, obviously , and we’re just finalising who we invite for the remaining spaces.’

Eh?

So many questions...
Does your DH actually have the physical voucher?
Why isn't DH willing to clarify very simply that he already made plans with you and DC, unless he has misunderstood? (It's a his family, his circus issue - not yours to solve)
Is your DH always like this, as in, does he always struggle this much to stand up for himself and you and DC?
Is there a controlling MIL at the centre of this?

Your DH is the problem here. He should’ve stepped in as soon as he saw the message saying “sorry, wife and kids are coming so there are only 3 tickets available”. Why is he not willing to rock the boat with them but happy to upset you and his children?

Lots of great advice on here and in your DH’s place, if the controlling relative insisted on these random cousins attending, he should bow out to make the point.

Thanks @PollyBell the idea of the government giving a gift was actually intriguing.

The partners of the family members are invited. @Yomuma says “inviting 3 of DHs cousins (who DH rarely sees) and their partners to go with them and DH”. OP is a DW, at that.

The, maybe the gift was a place at the activity/event is plausible. If this is the case this may be a matter of miscommunication. Miscommunication or not why is OP not invited?

Gosh, there are so many posts on MN about spouses/partners not being invited to events where family members are invited.

Excuse me for my wild speculation here but it just screams of family indicating that you are not liked/included or considered part of the family. Wow, there is nowt as strange as folk!