AIBU to feel upset that DH's birthday trip excludes me and the kids

[Yomuma]

As a birthday present a couple of moniths back, a family member bought DH a voucher for a fun group activity. It is for 8 people,and involves a weekend away. We planned to take our 2 teens and invite 4 others, either friends or family, we hadn't decided yet. Kids were excited to go. Then today the family member sends a message on a group family chat inviting 3 of DHs cousins (who DH rarely sees) and their partners to go with them and DH. No invite for me or the kids. They have all accepted, so no places left - so now I need to tell the kids they arent going after all.
AIBU to think it is a bit rude to buy someone a voucher, then just invite people and not invite his wife or kids without even checking first?
Even if the invite had gone to just the 3 cousins, not their partners, that would leave 3 spots for me and the kids. For context, DH and the family member have met the partners once at a funeral. Just feels a bit hurtful. We have been married for 16 years. DH doesnt want any drama so will go with the flow, but agrees it is all quite odd.
We are seeing this family member this weekend, not sure if to say anything? Even just a sarcastic "thanks for the invite" type comment.

Did they give him the voucher itself- if so I’d go for bemusement like another poster said. And say obviously you’ve allocated 4 spaces to your family so there are only 4 spaces left….

Yes DH has the voucher in his possession. So I assume the family member either expects him to book it, or they took a copy and will do it themselves.
Lots of good ideas here around keeping it simple / assumptive close!

Excuse me for my wild speculation here but it just screams of family indicating that you are not liked/included or considered part of the family.

I don't think there's any possible way of seeing it other than this. The 'gift giver' hasn't even bothered to try to justify why the other spouses get to go, but OP doesn't - when it's ostensibly a birthday treat for HER DH - it's just automatically assumed that she is less than, and doesn't count.

I really think that DH should now pull out of going - and if he doesn't do so, you have a big problem.

Phew. In that case just say oh we’ve already booked it for us lot- do you want to come too? Great

Well then he needs to contact this relative and tell him/her the places are already allocated. He should not just 'go along with it.' Why does this family member think it's OK to leave you and your kids out?

OP says the voucher giver may have copied the voucher though! What if they try and book on it as well?

Too much drama for me. If I were DH I would be calling the gift giver and telling them I would be returning the voucher because whilst it was a lovely present when I could choose my “other 7” to join, I appear to not actually be able to use it for me and my family. Thanks but no thanks.

This is perfect. ^ I suspect the OP's DH won't do this though sadly.....

He just replies "oh I've already booked it for me, wife and the kids, sorry."

This. Quietly taking it lying down that cousins' wives are invited and you are not would be an incredibly weak and passive position.

I don't think pulling out is needed if DP can manoeuvre to make use of the tickets himself, but I do think it would be polite to invite the giver as one of the 8 if he does manage to take you and the kids.

Then as others say that makes it easier. As PP say, you tell the relative that the voucher has already been used and that it's fine if others want to join and presume they have their own voucher to use.

Well that's easy then. You DH just has to be a grown up husband.

What is the experience @Yomuma What is the activity?

(No reason for asking, other than I'm nosey.)

.

Surely it’s too late to say the vouchers been used . The time to say that was on the family group chat.

The only thing you can do is pull DH out or buy extra tickets.

The 'gift giver' isn't one of these people who just 'don't do numbers', is he? The kind of person who spends all of their wages on payday and doesn't stop to think about the rest of the month? Some people do have a cheery 'the more the merrier' attitude, without ever stopping to plan how everybody can be accommodated.

Has he actually said that he expects your DH to use his voucher for the other 6; or is he maybe expecting them to come along at the same time and they pay separately (if it's an activity that would allow that)... a bit like an adult version of soft play, where some kids are invited to the party, but their parents take siblings along too, and pay for them, if the place is open to the public as well?

Come on now, your DH needs to put on his big boy pants and tell the voucher-giver that it's not happening that way. It might be a bit awkward for him if he's not used to standing up for himself / standing up to this person, but it'll be worth it for you all as a family.

Why was it ever a treat for DH and his family?

dh should teply with that they must be mistaken, the voucher is only for 8 and with him, you and children that leaves four spots. Simple.

also point out to your dh that not saying anything isn't keeping the peace. It is choosing to upset hisnwife over people he doesnt know.

Very unreasonable unless it was made absolutely clear at the outset that the voucher was for your dh and specific people (which would still be quite odd)

but at the very first mention of other people being invited on the group chat, your dh should have piped up with “sorry, I’ve already promised my wife and kids”

as it stands, there are far more people who think they are going than there are places so this needs to be nipped in the bud now!

Way too much! This is such a simple, drama free solution to a ridiculous situation.

@Yomuma tell your DH that you are returning the gift. Your DH wants to just go along to keep the peace.

If it were me, my DH would not want to go to keep the peace.

I understand all of the PPs advising OP to be clear that the nuclear family are using the voucher but the gift appears to be conditional - on condition that @Yomuma doesn’t go.

Because he was given a voucher for his birthday!! Most people like to celebrate their birthdays with their families - it's usually a given that they're included.

A bit like, if somebody gives you a cake for your birthday, you don't just sit at the table and eat the lot yourself, whilst the rest of the family (and any others present) look on longingly!

Get him to reply and say "Sounds like a nice idea but there are only four spare spaces after me, wife and kids are booked so it wouldn't be possible for us all to go". That way the onus is on the gift giver to explain why they think all the other family members should be included.

The gift giver has no right to dictate who joins for the activity. Be interesting to know which relative the gift giver is? They are being cheeky but ultimately your DH is also a problem here. He needs to step up and he has allocated a place to his wife and two teens so if anyone over the 8 wants to come they’ll have to book themselves. He doesn’t want to cause any drama by saying anything but he’s happy to cause upset at home to keep the piece with others?

I wouldn't even say “sorry, I’ve already promised my wife and kids” - I would just have taken it as a given that they would naturally be coming too - as would most people, surely?

@Yomuma Here is what I think may have happened

Gift giver likes the idea of doing a certain activity
He sees that there's a Groupon deal at a good rate for 8 people e.g. £400.
He realises that it's your DH's birthday coming up and thinks, 1 of these tickets could be his bday present.

At the last family get-together family members indicated that they liked this kind of thing. I will see if they want to spend £50 each for the tickets

He sends people a copy of the voucher so they know the activity details.

Essentially there's a huge Comms breakdown and assumptions going on here. Your DH needs to talk to the gift giver pronto.