I’ve made the in-laws hate me even more…

[Mumofyellows]

They haven’t been huge fans of me for a while, it’s all very civil and we still see eachother and get on fine but I am very much not their cup of tea in a lot of ways, they adore DH’s ex and are still very close to her, I am an introvert, not a huge drinker, don’t massively enjoy loud social gatherings and prefer quieter socialising like going for dinner and a glass of wine with friends, and spending time out walking with my dogs and lunching in country pubs. I’m 44, I’ve done my partying! They are very loud and drink like fish then become even louder…no issue with that just not really me.

Anyway they think I’m boring, which I’m fine with. Last week with the England game on Saturday night, there was a big family party to watch the match at one of their houses. I didn’t go - I was at a funeral during the day and had from word go said no to going as I knew I would definitely not be in the mood after an emotional day.

DH went - plan was drive over there, drink, watch match, sleep over there and then back the following day. I was home - chilled evening, glass of wine with my dogs in the garden then an early night.

3am one of my dogs started barking like mad. We had a cat get in through an open window a couple of days before so I though it might have happened again, went downstairs to find DH attempting to unlock the front door unsuccessfully as I had left my keys in the other side of the lock. His car was on the drive. I let him in and he was very clearly absolutely smashed. I went mental, called him stupid, told him in no uncertain terms how fucking furious I was. Went back to bed seething while he fumbled around downstairs burning toast like a moron. The next morning I woke up still fuming and decided to message the family group chat to let them know how pissed off I was that they had allowed him to drive in the state he was in. I wasn’t rude, obviously he is an adult and made the choice. But they are such enablers, I have never known a group of adults to need to drink to such excess.

I didn’t get a single reply to my message. I over heard a call from his parents where they said he was silly for driving but luckily he “got away with it”. They genuinely only think the risk was being pulled over, not that he could have killed himself or some other poor person . I heard his Mum say “well never mind alls well that ends well, it was a good night.”

Today - another England game, I’m not in the country as am abroad visiting my family. DH is with his family to watch the game. He swears he is not drinking and is going to actually stop all together as he knows he makes bad choices when he has been drinking…that won’t last! He called me and told me His Mum has been badgering him all day about why he is not drinking tonight and that he does not need to listen to me as I am a kill joy.

Urgh. I don’t care but it’s just so awkward.

I’m sorry to be a MN cliche but you have a DH problem not an in laws problem.

No one made him drink drive.

Not sure why this in an in laws problem? I’d be having some extended time apart from the husband.

If you don’t have kids, just leave him, he’s an idiot.

Oh I know don’t you worry about that, I have made sure he knows in no uncertain terms that he was responsible for his own decision to drive.

I just hate that they don’t see an issue with it, if that were my DD I would be apoplectic. His issues with drinking also stem from his parents who have no off switch with alcohol and can’t see how anything could possibly be fun without it.

I can’t believe you’re blaming someone else for this. Blame yourself for deciding to be with a drink driver.

I’m absolutely not blaming them for him drunk driving but I can’t believe their reaction. They should be as angry as I am.

I wouldn’t worry about your in laws in all of this. I think it would be interesting why, in all of this, you’ve chosen to centre how they feel about you for your reaction. It actually has very little to do with them. Is it because they’ve always made you feel unwelcome due to the ex?

i realised at the end of my marriage that when you don’t get on with wider family it’s rarely worth it. Who wants the hassle? People’s parents are really important when you’re 19
But not when you’re 44. If they cause problems for your relationship all that means is you and your partner aren’t really suited. You need to find someone with a family you can thrive in, whether thats because you get on or whether it’s because they stay at arms length.

they don’t sound like your type of family at all/ very close very social very celebratory- it’s just not a good fit, but it comes down to the fit with your partner, not your in laws.

He’s not 17, his parents aren’t going to give him a good telling off. Neither should you.

Thank you this is all very true.

Telling his parents was never going to end well, and I’m not sure what you expected to gain.

As others have said, it’s your DH that’s the issue here and not his parents, he’s an adult and they can’t force him to drink.

As for them saying that it’s your fault he’s not drinking tonight, fuck them, who cares what they think.

You've seen/heard their reaction - they don't see the seriousness of it, or don't care. They are adults so presumably won't be changing this attitude, so you're wasting your time trying. All you can do is work on your DH, who might listen to his DW.
I don't understand their attitude either, OP, but it's dawned on me that not everyone else thinks like I do, sadly.

I find it really strange that you messaged them at all, let alone to blame them. Your stupid bastard husband made his own choices and that’s on him. You won’t know that they didn’t actually try to discourage or stop him anyway. There was absolutely nothing to be gained by messaging.
Sorry he’s been such a massive twat. I don’t think I could stay married to him, but I’m not in your shoes right now.

oh no I did t blame them in the message, and you’re right nothing was gained but I wanted them all to realise in the cold light of day that what he had done was not a normal thing to do for the majority of people.

Also a lot of them had not realised he had driven so part of me actually wanted them to know - I had hoped they would be as disappointed and stunned as I was but clearly not.
my message to them was actually pleasant - like” I hope you all had a good evening, next time you get together please can you take away DH’s car keys and hide them - he has driven home absolutely wasted and how he hasn’t killed someone or himself is a miracle” I didn’t blame them or tell say anything negative, had I been them I would have responded at least even if it was Oh my God that’s awful I didn’t realise he drove…but not a sausage. I’m just surprised how bloody loyal to him they are. He is lucky I didn’t call the police.

I’m sorry, I also think it was really odd to message them and was never going to improve the situation - which is that you have a husband who has broken the law for an unbelievably stupid reason. Your in-laws are not really relevant in this.

If I were getting furious messages from ds’s girlfriend in this scenario I would be feeling uncomfortable for sure but I might not engage a whole lot, as I’d be assuming they were having extreme rows and I might not want to inflame the situation further.

Ugh. You stayed with a man who drove whilst drunk? That’s revolting, I’d get instant ick and he’d be immediately homeless I don’t care if his name is on the deeds. Anyone who drives drunk or even tipsy, is a fucking twat

Who mention furious messages? You’ve just made that up!

Your husband is a drink driver. Abhorrent. He is to blame

If you read my posts I didn’t send a furious message.

Do you struggle to listen to your own gut? It sounds like you were hoping they would agree with you - why? To validate that you’re right to be horrified by his behaviour? I think you know deep down this isn’t the relationship you want to be in. He won’t change. You don’t need this shit!

I can't believe that you didn't call the police to be honest. What if he does it again and kills some poor innocent person because everyone in his life is enabling his idiotic behaviour.

Oh op, that's awful. Honestly I agree it's a dh issue though it sounds like the whole family have an unhealthy attitude towards alcohol.

I actually would be telling him in no uncertain terms that I'd consider leaving him over that. That is such a major fuck up that could seriously impact both of your lives. I would be telling him that he needs to consider taking some time away from them and to consider getting support around his alcohol misuse because if he can't say no, is making consistently poor choices while under the influence and can't manage to drink moderately then I'd say he's into the early stages of functioning alcoholism. I'd be telling him that if he can't make sensible choices and get help I'd be reconsidering the marriage.

I wouldn’t have text his family-it’s him that is the problem and him you need to deal with.

There is no point telling someone you’re considering leaving them. Split up or don’t, “considering” is manipulative and weak.

Your husband drove,not your inlaws. It's him you have a problem with.

You clearly think you are better than them. That's why you messaged them.

Actually, unlike the other posters, I get why you are cross. If this was one of my DH’s friends who had driven home drunk, I would be furious with my DH. Why? Because I would expect my DH to physically take the keys off his friend and stop him from driving home to keep his friend safe and the wider public. No excuse just to say “oh but my friend is an adult, what was I to do?” In that scenario, the others have a collective responsibility. I’m surprised that others think it’s ok just to wash your hands.

So yes, I think his family have behaved appalling. If they care about your DH why would they let him drive like that? Let alone the risk to others? I think worth making that point to your DH. Not very caring of his family. They were happy to let him do something utterly reckless with seemingly no care for him whatsoever.