I’ve made the in-laws hate me even more…

[Mumofyellows]

They haven’t been huge fans of me for a while, it’s all very civil and we still see eachother and get on fine but I am very much not their cup of tea in a lot of ways, they adore DH’s ex and are still very close to her, I am an introvert, not a huge drinker, don’t massively enjoy loud social gatherings and prefer quieter socialising like going for dinner and a glass of wine with friends, and spending time out walking with my dogs and lunching in country pubs. I’m 44, I’ve done my partying! They are very loud and drink like fish then become even louder…no issue with that just not really me.

Anyway they think I’m boring, which I’m fine with. Last week with the England game on Saturday night, there was a big family party to watch the match at one of their houses. I didn’t go - I was at a funeral during the day and had from word go said no to going as I knew I would definitely not be in the mood after an emotional day.

DH went - plan was drive over there, drink, watch match, sleep over there and then back the following day. I was home - chilled evening, glass of wine with my dogs in the garden then an early night.

3am one of my dogs started barking like mad. We had a cat get in through an open window a couple of days before so I though it might have happened again, went downstairs to find DH attempting to unlock the front door unsuccessfully as I had left my keys in the other side of the lock. His car was on the drive. I let him in and he was very clearly absolutely smashed. I went mental, called him stupid, told him in no uncertain terms how fucking furious I was. Went back to bed seething while he fumbled around downstairs burning toast like a moron. The next morning I woke up still fuming and decided to message the family group chat to let them know how pissed off I was that they had allowed him to drive in the state he was in. I wasn’t rude, obviously he is an adult and made the choice. But they are such enablers, I have never known a group of adults to need to drink to such excess.

I didn’t get a single reply to my message. I over heard a call from his parents where they said he was silly for driving but luckily he “got away with it”. They genuinely only think the risk was being pulled over, not that he could have killed himself or some other poor person . I heard his Mum say “well never mind alls well that ends well, it was a good night.”

Today - another England game, I’m not in the country as am abroad visiting my family. DH is with his family to watch the game. He swears he is not drinking and is going to actually stop all together as he knows he makes bad choices when he has been drinking…that won’t last! He called me and told me His Mum has been badgering him all day about why he is not drinking tonight and that he does not need to listen to me as I am a kill joy.

Urgh. I don’t care but it’s just so awkward.

Whilst I agree no one knows what happened that resulted in DH driving home- there could well have been no opportunity yo remove his keys- he was supposed to stay over after all.

but tbh, even so, you can’t put responsibility on other people to police someone’s car keys.

He is an utter disgrace and should be given a monumental bollocking. His family should be ashamed of themselves as well.

I know someone whose dad was killed by a drunk driver.

How awful and selfish and irresponsible of him. He could have killed a car full of people. I am sorry he didn’t get caught and banned from driving.

Probably not the first time he has done this . Most people woundn’t dream of it.

you have very different values to him. Do you still want to be with him? I really look down on people who drink and drive 1 and I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone I don’t respect

He’s a grown man. What do you think a “monumental bollocking” would do?

the eagerness of some women to have parent child relationships with their adult partner is really sad.

But why is it their responsibility more than DH's? He's the one who picks up the glass and pours the contents down his own throat. He's needs to look after himself, not rely on his relatives who were probably smashed as well at the time. He also needs to look after his own marriage, which is in a very bad way. Does he not care about keeping it?

Just on a side note ..for any of these big events like national football matches etc...I avoid the roads if I can on the day after ..because of the risk drink drivers ...just me? So tomorrow will work from home

Don't be so utterly ridiculous. Of course OP should tell him how she feels about what he did. Why are you calling it a "telling off"? You're minimising drink driving, lovely.

If my husband drove when that drunk, the only option for me would be if he gave up drinking altogether. Otherwise he’d be moving out.

I don’t think you’ve followed the posts we were talking about OP wanting the parents to tell him off.

but besides, as I say, “telling off” is parent child behaviour and unhealthy in an adult relationship. It’s not “telling someone how you feel” (I think this is very obvious tbh)

What would you do if you husband or parent for that matter got very drunk and drove?

I would be so angry - with a parent, partner or sibling. It’s so selfish and disgusting.

he could have killed someone. Society a s whole should be outraged / everyone should give people who commit this crime a momunebtal bollocking - and send them to jail.

I’d seriously consider kicking him out unless he quit drinking altogether. He could have killed someone / himself / lost his license / lost his job. I’ve been in some states over the years, so has DH. We’ve never taken it into our heads to get in the car.

I don’t think any of this has anything to do with drinking. My family are also massive drinkers (as am I) and never would any of us even think about drink driving. Not even after a few never mind wasted. He should have got a taxi or stayed over. Being an extrovert or a partier does not mean being a dickhead.

I would divorce him

not tell him off, not give him a bollocking, not telling him I was considering leaving.

i would have the courage of my convictions, not meaningless hysteria, so I would log on to gov.uk, pay £600 and be divorced.

eta- because a grown man isn’t my problem. The only problem is being in a relationship with him. There is nothing else within my control.

I'm not sure why you told (IE blamed) his parents the next day? It's his fault, nothing to do with his parents. He also shouldn't be blaming you for his not drinking, he should just say he didn't want to drink! Him telling them it's you and then telling you they are pressurising him is massively stirring. He's the one making you blame his parents and not him - he's also trying to get his parents to blame you rather than just acting decently and not drinking.

You 100% have a DH problem, not an in law one. And this is coming from someone who doesn't like their in laws either!

They suck.
But it doesnt matter, as presumably you are getting a divorce anyway?

I agree with you that obviously the bottom line / ultimate responsibility rests with the husband here. He’s the one who has drunk driven. No one else.

But I do think there is a point around how you behave with friends / people you care about. And it might be the family had no idea (as you say) that he was going to drive, but if they did, they behaved really badly too. You don’t just stand by and shrug your shoulders when drunk friends / family are about to do stupid things. That’s not ok either. And maybe I was reading it wrong but some posters seemed to be suggesting that because “he’s an adult” the family had no moral responsibility. I think they do. And that’s perhaps what has irritated the op, which is fair.

Can’t believe the people saying end your marriage, like it’s that simple for everyone. Of course it was heinous and stupid. But marriage ending no.not this once.

Yea it would be to me unless DH quit drinking completely. I would consider my marriage ending if DH had an addiction he refused to get help for. Same here, if he refuses to stop or get help for his problematic drinking I would see it as marriage ending.

Why would you stay in the marriage if he stopped drinking? He’s still the same person.

It just makes you sound unconvinced and indecisive

Your post is nuts!

His family who allegedly love him think it's OK for him to drink drive. Cretins the lot of them. Yes your DH decided to drive, but my family would have forced me to stay over and fed me copious amounts of food and coffee before I set off the next day!

I'm not surprised you are angry with them.

I hope he laid off the booze tonight.

Really really unfair unless you have trouble reading and understanding? She didn't choose to be with a drink driver. She's only just found out ffs.

Because if this was the turning point that made him realise he had a problem with alcohol, I would give him a chance.

If he didn’t, and refused to change, I would leave.

No, any decent parent would be doing at any age for that. There isnt an age any of us would be, and have dared to have told our parent we had driven while drunk. And rightly so.

Luckily there wouldn't have ever been anything to tell, but regardless.

Or blame the him for driving when drunk?

I would 100% leave my husband if he ever drove drunk.

Risking his and others lives and potentially leaving his kids without a parent. What a specimen. His family may be enablers but he has a drink problem.