AIBU for thinking my financial situation isn't sustainable and I'm heading for an almighty fall and mental health crisis

[TheHotRock98]

Hello,

I'm afraid I used chat GPT to help write this. I was asking it what I should do and asked it to convert to an AIBU query. This was inspired also by a thread by another MNer a couple of days ago. It frightened me as our situations were a little similar, though she sounds a much better/ more together person than me...

I'm 39 and my partner is 54. We've been together several years, live together in his home (he owns it but still has some to pay), and have a three-year-old together. He also has a 14-year-old daughter from a previous relationship.

We're not married.

I'm really struggling financially and it's affecting both my physical and mental health. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of panic.

My finances are:

• £173 into my overdraft (my limit is £200).
• Around £2,042 on a credit card.
• A loan with about £2,000 left to repay.

I work three days a week and my take-home pay is £1,500 a month.

Our three-year-old goes to nursery for two of the days I work, and my dad looks after him on the third day. I'm with my child on the other two weekdays.

My partner earns around £93,000 a year. He also owns a property abroad which he rents out. I believe the rental income is around €900 a month (I think that's right )

As far as I know, he has savings in both pounds and euros. I think the euro savings are around €70,000 (sorry I don't know if I heard him correctly at the time but it really sounded like he was saying this, could have been €17,000 I suppose, and this was a while ago anyway), although I don't know the exact figure and I have no idea how much he has in his UK savings. He says both have taken a significant hit because he was made redundant previously and that he's trying to build them back up. He's now back in full-time employment and has passed probation.

He pays the mortgage (it's his house), child maintenance of around £600 a month for his older child, plus additional costs for her (school holidays, school trips, etc.).

He also has therapy five times a week at around £95 a session. From what I understand, his therapist takes around two months' holiday each year, so he pays for roughly 10 months of therapy annually.

I don't pay towards the mortgage, but I do pay for childcare for our three-year-old (currently £130 a month, but it's due to increase by around another £200 a month soon).

I also pay for a lot of our toddler's day-to-day costs - clothes, toys, days out, little treats like cake or ice cream, and I buy some of the groceries, although not all. Also things like presents for other children when we go to their birthday parties.

On top of that I have my own regular expenses:

• contact lenses
• dental appointments and hygienist appointments
• tampons
• toiletries (deodorant, moisturiser, SPF, face wash, body lotion etc.)
• vitamin supplements
• dry cleaning for work clothes
• haircuts and hair colouring because I have a lot of grey hair and work in a professional environment.
• I do also but and wear make up, and not drug store either I'm afraid I do like the department store stuff (I know thats bad given my financial situation and living beyond my means etc. )

I suspect I might have ADHD (so as yet undiagnosed) and I'm aware I'm not naturally good with money. I'm sure that's contributed to some of my debt, so I'm not pretending I've managed everything perfectly.

Recently we've also had unexpected household costs. We had a plumbing issue affecting the flat which cost me £190 to sort out(I thought it was important, he thinks otherwise and the call out was unnecessary ), and our oven broke and had to be replaced, costing him around £500.

Before payday this month he told me he only had around £1,600 left in his current account because of various expenses. He says he's trying to rebuild his savings after the redundancy, so I appreciate he has financial commitments and isn't sitting on endless disposable income.

At the same time, I'm in debt, living in my overdraft and feeling like I'm sinking while trying to cover childcare, my own costs and many of our child's day-to-day expenses.

What I'm struggling with is whether this is simply how it has to be because we're not married, or whether it's reasonable to expect someone earning around £93,000 a year to contribute more towards the costs of the child we have together when I'm earning £1,500 a month and ending up in debt.

Can he reasonably say that my debts are my responsibility and refuse to help financially? Or should we be sharing the costs of raising our child in a way that reflects our very different incomes?

I'm genuinely asking because I don't know if my judgement is being clouded by stress. I feel like I'm spiralling and I can't carry on like this, but equally I don't want to be unfair to him if I'm expecting something unreasonable. I had a health scare recently and thankfully all came back clear and fine - but reading the summary of my consultation with the Dr she said I seemed stressed and tearful though I didn't cry. I don't even remember that, I had my toddler with me so I was listening to what she was saying while caring for him.

Also.i.paynfot the cleaner to come once a week (68 pounds) but I do.all laundry and ironing of clothes and bedding. He does 85% of cooking, but I do the clean up afterwards....

If you've got this far thank you. I don't know how I've fallen so far, when I started maternity leave I had around £8000 in the bank...

Even the language 'hand over everything' speaks volumes.

All I can tell you is this - if I was a man with an income of over £110k, who had freely chosen to have a baby with a woman who was prepared to work part-time around my child so that the child didn't have to be in a nursery every day (and so that I could continue to spend 3 hours a day going across London for my therapy habit), I would be delighted. Delighted that I could continue to work unimpeded and do my therapy - despite the commitment of a child.

I would be utterly ashamed if I thought my partner and mother if my child couldn't ask me for money and was having to live off an overdraft. I would be fully transparent about 'our' finances. This would not preclude the longstanding provision for my elder daughter from another marriage - that is obviously baked in. But my child's partner is not a second class citizen living in my home. She is not just some woman who moved in., She is the mother of my child and my ability to carry on working, without having to use childcare, would be something I would value and be very grateful for. Of course I'd rather my child was at home with their mother where possible. And I would not be taking myself to Golders Green for 3 hours a day either!

@redskyAtNigh

1. They need to get married. OP has no security - she could easily be booted out of her home.
2. OP should not be looking after their shared and her DP’s kid without the security of marriage. Atm she’s a nanny with a fanny.
3. OP shouldn’t be working PT to the detriment of her savings andpension while her DP does no childcare. She could work FT and that would solve her financial issues but there are advantages to the kids of staying home when they’re little. If DP wants his kid to benefit from 121 parenting he needs to step up and get married.
4. They need a joint account, more sharing of finances, and spreadsheets for greater transparency.
5. DP needs to decide if he’s actually in this relationship and committed to his kids. Because 5xpw psychoanalysis is a way of avoiding family time. He’ll be spending - 3.5 hours a day in it when he goes in person. 20k pa is a lot to blow when you have 2 kids to provide for.

👏🏼 Spot on.

I can’t work out whether posters are so obsessed with money and resentful of OP that they can’t see the inequality in this relationship (OP is midway between lodger & nanny); or whether they have such low expectations of relationships that they think this is ok.

They are both EQUAL parents of a child. A child who needs somewhere to live and food on the table which is mainly cooked by his father btw while you are so busy insisting he is never around.

The Op is able to have a child in one to the most expensive cities in the world and not contribute to the child’s bed & board.

You are so wed to the idea that childcare that working couples use everyday is somehow grossly insufficient that DP actually desperately needs Op to work part time. I don’t mind my own children and Dp goes to work just fine. And the kids like childcare, they do activities and get to see their friends

You are wed to the idea that real men provide!

Well if they wanted their child in childcare every day, they would do that wouldn't they? But they obviously don't. Full time childcare is hardly the default position.

As I said, if I was a higher earner, I'd be far happier with a SAHP and all the flexibility and peace of mind that gives. No worries about drop offs, pick ups, child not being happy, sickness etc etc. If the DH in this scenario, does not appreciate this, he needs to wake up, frankly. I doubt he'd be able to do his ridiculous therapy commitment if he had nursery pick ups and collections to factor in.

It very much is for working couples. And AGAIN nowhere does the Op say Dp asked her to work part time.

IF you were the higher earner. You don’t even have lived experience of being an earner not to mind a higher earner. So it’s easy to pontificate. There’s generally more flexibility in high earning roles to pop home when needed, I’ve done it.
And the man is cooking the child’s dinner which doesn’t fit your narrative.

I think the alternative set up some people would expect is op keeping her £1500 a month for her own spends. Meanwhile, her dp pays all household and child costs, gives her joint ownership of a house he owned years before they even met and then also gives credit to op for facilitating his career. This is despite the fact that he is in his 50's with another child and had a career and his own home long before op came on the scene. Id be surprised if this was a planned pregnancy.

Does internalised misogyny extend to treating all women as lacking agency of any kind? This man - and I agree broadly with your observations about him - didn’t have a child in his own. OP made the decision too and she knew what what knew. She’s allowed this situation to continue.

And why do people keep mentioning marriage as if it’s some protection against being treated badly? It’s only helpful on divorce, and even then only of limited use if he has access to money and she doesn’t.

I guess the protection of marriage would be if she decided to leave in 10 years the house would no longer be solely his, it’d be the marital home. But then that’s probably why marriage doesn’t seem to be on the cards,

Each to their own, I as a woman, would do exactly what the DP is doing, protect my assets and savings, and support day to day. I don’t think that is internalised misogyny lol.

I would say I wouldn’t have put myself in the position OP is in, by having a baby in those circumstances given their different life stages etc, but then again OP was on a fairly low income in London, and so actually, I don’t think she’s got it bad. I am rubbish with money, so I’d never be in her DPs position, but I don’t think I’d mind being in OPs. I’d get to work part time, spend time with my child, have a pretty decent amount of disposable income and probably live in a decent house. If OP was living in London on her previous salary, she probably had none of that and unlikely to have it in the future.

The only thing I think she should do is get something in writing about how she will be supported in the event of his death, since marriage does not seem to be an option

Are we still not addressing the £2k a month on therapy? So the man spends more on therapy per month than the OP has for all her expenses including childcare and clothes/toys for their child.

Also what seems to have passed some people by is that this man works full time then heads off to therapy after his full time job every day - in London. So what time do we think he gets home every night? Does he even see his child? Yet apparently he also theoretically wants the OP to work full tlme and still cover the childcare and all the drop offs and pick ups - and care after nursery and all the house work! Apparently it’s her choice to work part time! Nothing to do with the hours he keeps He is very much dialled out.

If you look at the bare facts, this couple have decided to have a child. His life has not changed at all. He continues to work and build his career as he always did. He continues his £500 per week therapy as he always did. He pays his mortgage as he always did. We are told he cooks dinner most nights while the OP clears up around him. Wow! Give this man a medal.

Meanwhile, the mother of the child is working part-time in the interests of her child not being in full time nursery. She pays for nursery two days to enable herself to work on those days. Her parents have the child in the third day so she can work. She is on a lower income and now going into overdraft.

Even if she worked full time, what difference would it make? She would still be on a lower income than him - and essentially living like a poor relation under his roof because he takes a 'what's mine is mine' attitude. Even where the mother of his child is concerned. Shameful!

If this sounds fair or in any way fair or reasonable to anyone on MN, I really don't know what to say.

It’s nothing to do with being obsessed, it’s about what’s realistic and what’s not. You’ve bullet pointed what they “must” do- how is she going to make him marry her? “Someone on Mumsnet said”?! Presumably they’re not actually idiots who don’t know what marriage is, there is a reason it hasn’t happened.

Op can’t force him to give her money.

address it how? What’s she going to do, lock him in the house?

Completely agree.

Nothing has changed for this man. And he is happy to see the mother of his child use all her savings to cover her maternity. To sort out all the childcare - via herself, her family and nursery, fund it
and be stressed and worried about money…all whilst spending £500 a week on therapy. Which everyone keeps ignoring.

When I met DH he already owned a home. When we had children he put my name on the deeds. Because he is a nice man. Why are standards and expectations so low?

No, people on here are glossing over this fact. She’s apparently the frivolous one. Yet he spends £2k a month on therapy and that’s ok.

You are someone who is a long term SAHM. You see the OPs situation through that lens. You see anyone disagreeing with you as attacking your own circumstances which are your business between you & your DH that have nothing to do with Op.

When it’s pointed out to you that Dp cooks dinner so he has to be around somewhat, you immediately switch to oh what does he want a medal! Instead of acknowledging that he must be around to some degree which is what was being point you because refuse to move away from your narrative.

You keep saying childcare is this awful thing that Op is saving DP’s child from even though tons of people use childcare including the Op.

You feel free to pontificate about all the many advantages Op has given DP whilst you haven’t actually been in the workforce for years, so you have no experience of the changes.

You feel judged. And yes people wil judge you for being a SAHM. Stop caring it’s your life.

It has nothing to do with standards and expectations.

Tbf, after my marriage I wouldn’t dream of getting together with someone who didn’t bring their own assets, I’m not sure that giving someone half your house reflects high standards.

but it’s really simple- people know OP can control her own life/ spending, but not her partner’s.

do people really go through life telling other adults what they can and can’t do? Of course not.

fwiw I think the focus on her spending is daft and focusing on a tiny part of the picture, but when you ask people for help they go into problem solving mode and that’s all they can do.

She asked if it’s acceptable and many are saying no it’s not and giving examples of their set up. It’s about perspective. She can then choose to do what she likes with that info.

She could give him a marriage ultimatum. Ask to be put on the house deeds. Ask him to pay for childcare. Or she could carry on as she is. Or leave him. Many options.

Again you are projecting. OP is in her 30s why would she have loads of assets? So she is not marriage material or wife material as she has zero assets.

Of course she has loads of options. No one said she didn’t?

No I said your partner signing over half the house to you doesn’t demonstrate high standards from him.

why wouldn’t you have assets at 30? It’s not unusual for people of our age to own a house by then. OP didn’t because she was and is a low earner

This thread has struck me because, as I said, in my 20s I completed an MA at the Tavistock which was the foundation course for clinical training as a psychotherapist and member of the BAP. This training required therapy with a BAP registered therapist five times weekly. Around this, you were expected to be working in an approved clinical placement in the NHS or other approved setting. Let's just say, the therapy was not particularly affordable for those on the work placements.

I remember a few qualified BAP therapists (who were the tutors) telling me that the only way they were able to do the 5 times per week therapy was because they waited until their children were old enough and because they had very wealthy banker husbands. They were honest about this. These therapists are (or certainly were back then) almost all clustered around Belsize Park, Hampstead, Highgate etc. We used to have some seminars in their houses and they were all worth probably at least 10 million in today's money.

I was not in a position to commit to the cost of this therapy for the BAP training when I finished the MA aged 26. Fast forward a few years, I was married to a man I met at uni who happened to have gone into finance and who went on to be a very successful entrepreneur with multiple companies and business interests. We could have afforded it then, quite easily. But there no way I would have embarked on that level of therapy with young children. It's not just the financial commitment. It's the huge psychological and emotional commitment - at a time your headspace needs to be focused on your children. Even as a SAHM in SW London, there is no way I would have taken myself off to North London every day for therapy. It's ludicrous.

What I did was, waited until all my kids were in secondary school and there were no more pick ups and drop offs etc. Then I did another psychotherapy training part time (with therapy once per week). I qualified as a psychotherapist that way. In my view, 5 times per week therapy is more problematic than beneficial. There is a fine line between self-understanding and narcissism. It also annoys me that those who are in most desperate need of that type and depth of therapy can never afford it! It seems wrong to me. But that's just my view.

Your last sentence proves my point: it’s all about money for you. This is a relationship it’s not a drug deal.

And did you get ‘forcing’ him to marry her from? He should want to marry OP. Maybe it’s OP who hasn’t wanted to. Maybe, like many unfortunate MNers, she didn’t think through the reality of cohabiting so insecurely; or maybe her DP wants to hold all the cards.

In terms of “realism” it’s unrealistic to think a relationship based on this inequality will scrape by.

Because he earns a lot of money.