AIBU for thinking my financial situation isn't sustainable and I'm heading for an almighty fall and mental health crisis

[TheHotRock98]

Hello,

I'm afraid I used chat GPT to help write this. I was asking it what I should do and asked it to convert to an AIBU query. This was inspired also by a thread by another MNer a couple of days ago. It frightened me as our situations were a little similar, though she sounds a much better/ more together person than me...

I'm 39 and my partner is 54. We've been together several years, live together in his home (he owns it but still has some to pay), and have a three-year-old together. He also has a 14-year-old daughter from a previous relationship.

We're not married.

I'm really struggling financially and it's affecting both my physical and mental health. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of panic.

My finances are:

• £173 into my overdraft (my limit is £200).
• Around £2,042 on a credit card.
• A loan with about £2,000 left to repay.

I work three days a week and my take-home pay is £1,500 a month.

Our three-year-old goes to nursery for two of the days I work, and my dad looks after him on the third day. I'm with my child on the other two weekdays.

My partner earns around £93,000 a year. He also owns a property abroad which he rents out. I believe the rental income is around €900 a month (I think that's right )

As far as I know, he has savings in both pounds and euros. I think the euro savings are around €70,000 (sorry I don't know if I heard him correctly at the time but it really sounded like he was saying this, could have been €17,000 I suppose, and this was a while ago anyway), although I don't know the exact figure and I have no idea how much he has in his UK savings. He says both have taken a significant hit because he was made redundant previously and that he's trying to build them back up. He's now back in full-time employment and has passed probation.

He pays the mortgage (it's his house), child maintenance of around £600 a month for his older child, plus additional costs for her (school holidays, school trips, etc.).

He also has therapy five times a week at around £95 a session. From what I understand, his therapist takes around two months' holiday each year, so he pays for roughly 10 months of therapy annually.

I don't pay towards the mortgage, but I do pay for childcare for our three-year-old (currently £130 a month, but it's due to increase by around another £200 a month soon).

I also pay for a lot of our toddler's day-to-day costs - clothes, toys, days out, little treats like cake or ice cream, and I buy some of the groceries, although not all. Also things like presents for other children when we go to their birthday parties.

On top of that I have my own regular expenses:

• contact lenses
• dental appointments and hygienist appointments
• tampons
• toiletries (deodorant, moisturiser, SPF, face wash, body lotion etc.)
• vitamin supplements
• dry cleaning for work clothes
• haircuts and hair colouring because I have a lot of grey hair and work in a professional environment.
• I do also but and wear make up, and not drug store either I'm afraid I do like the department store stuff (I know thats bad given my financial situation and living beyond my means etc. )

I suspect I might have ADHD (so as yet undiagnosed) and I'm aware I'm not naturally good with money. I'm sure that's contributed to some of my debt, so I'm not pretending I've managed everything perfectly.

Recently we've also had unexpected household costs. We had a plumbing issue affecting the flat which cost me £190 to sort out(I thought it was important, he thinks otherwise and the call out was unnecessary ), and our oven broke and had to be replaced, costing him around £500.

Before payday this month he told me he only had around £1,600 left in his current account because of various expenses. He says he's trying to rebuild his savings after the redundancy, so I appreciate he has financial commitments and isn't sitting on endless disposable income.

At the same time, I'm in debt, living in my overdraft and feeling like I'm sinking while trying to cover childcare, my own costs and many of our child's day-to-day expenses.

What I'm struggling with is whether this is simply how it has to be because we're not married, or whether it's reasonable to expect someone earning around £93,000 a year to contribute more towards the costs of the child we have together when I'm earning £1,500 a month and ending up in debt.

Can he reasonably say that my debts are my responsibility and refuse to help financially? Or should we be sharing the costs of raising our child in a way that reflects our very different incomes?

I'm genuinely asking because I don't know if my judgement is being clouded by stress. I feel like I'm spiralling and I can't carry on like this, but equally I don't want to be unfair to him if I'm expecting something unreasonable. I had a health scare recently and thankfully all came back clear and fine - but reading the summary of my consultation with the Dr she said I seemed stressed and tearful though I didn't cry. I don't even remember that, I had my toddler with me so I was listening to what she was saying while caring for him.

Also.i.paynfot the cleaner to come once a week (68 pounds) but I do.all laundry and ironing of clothes and bedding. He does 85% of cooking, but I do the clean up afterwards....

If you've got this far thank you. I don't know how I've fallen so far, when I started maternity leave I had around £8000 in the bank...

You’re banging your head against a brick wall with some of the posters here. A number of us have said if you did it proportionately, the OP would be much worse off. They won’t seem to accept it.

Her DP covered his own redundancy from savings and didn’t ask for anything from the OP - apparently abusive.

£93k is not a high salary in London - but apparently it should cover every single thing….

But anyway, the OP is happy and has reached a resolution. Her partner said she does more than she credited herself with, and seems supportive. I’ve no clue about therapy having never had it, or any mental health issues, but maybe that’s something he can start cutting back on

@january1244 You’re banging your head against a brick wall with some of the posters here

Ain’t that the truth. 🙄

That poster has already had it pointed out that he would be paying the same costs if OP were not there - save for food and water.

He may not want OP paying the mortgage as, if she does, she could claim a beneficial interest in the property. So that may be entirely for his own benefit.

Head -> wall.

Remember we are ignoring the £20k on therapy. The man can carry on spending as he wishes….it’s just the woman bearing his child that must ‘cut her cloth’ accordingly!

Yep ‘board and lodgings’ and ‘cut her cloth’

Like going back in time…

What is clear from this thread is that woman should bear the brunt of all the cuts to her pay on maternity but not the man…he can carry on spending frivolously and his life won’t change a bit. Well done everyone- great thread!

I can't decide whether AIBU attracts unusual people, or if there actually is a perception now that women should 'cut their cloth' to fund their own maternity leave and the pre-school years? Some people seem to have such low expectations of fathers. What's actually going on? Imagine claiming this OP is doing well because her partner is funding her 'board and lodgings.' As if this is optional?

Meanwhile, in the real world, most fathers-to-be do not expect the mothers of their children to live entirely wothin their own means. They see it as the least they can do to step up - share finances, plan properly and financially support their new family. All these justifications about lack of financial transparency when a baby comes along are just utter nonsense. Sad that women have had to convince themselves this is acceptable, because clearly they can't rely on their own husbands.

@lightseekerI actually think it is the opposite. A lot of women have very good careers now. Many of my friends (and me) out earn their partners and husbands. And have managed this along with having young children. If you look at the posters here that are maybe disagreeing with you more, they are earning well. They are contributing fairly equally into the family pot.

I know from my situation and our friends that traditional gender roles aren’t at play as much. The men are pulling their weight at home and with the children, and the women are pulling their weight financially. It’s a very weird concept to me to need financial support just because I have a child. I work part time. I earn more than my partner. We still put in 50/50 and no one is disadvantaged

I hear what you're saying @january1244 . I realise not all women are married to men who earn more than them. But I still think lower earning men can at least take a responsible attitude. It is women who bear the emotional, physical and financial impacts of childbirth and it seems to me that too many men these days just sail through unimpeded.

I also think it's odd to have a mentality of "I pay for the children's clothes," or "he pays the gas bill," etc etc when you are a family with children. What is the actual point because surely all money goes the same way, whatever you want to call it. It is all family money at the end of the day, so why nitpick about this pretence of 'my money' and 'his money?'

I mean even you @january1244 ssy you work part-time. Has your DH gone part-time?

But this isn’t the case in this situation is it? And everyone is going for the OP a telling her to ‘cut her cloth’ whilst the partner is not changing his ways and has a significant amount more money . Are you annoyed that the OP is a low earner? She will continue to be a low earner if her DP doesn’t help her.

You think you are promoting equality in women here but you are not. The OP can’t change the fact that she is 30 and doesn’t have a life time of earnings to have built up assets and pensions. She doesn’t have a high paying job - she can’t change that and just because in some situations the woman is the highest earner, takes little maternity and has assets, doesn’t mean that’s the situation here. And the OP shouldn’t be berated for that.

There’s a lot of misplaced projection going on here.

But having said that @lightseekerI actually only know two SAHM’s in real life, and one is at home because one of her children has SEN.

One of my best friends earns similarly to the OP part time in London. Her husband is a much higher earner. He pays all of their living costs, and children’s clubs, her money is mostly for her.
actually she has a cleaner twice a month that she covers also.

I guess in my real life I don’t know anyone who had the same set up as you. My mum had three children and worked after we started reception, my Nan who is almost 100 now had four children and worked. And also grew most of their own food, I honestly don’t know how she did it!

Im just not so sure it’s ever been a standard set up to completely pool finances, then or now.

So basically the posters criticising the OP are high earners who out earn their DH and they have such little self awareness that they can’t see that this is not the case here or in many cases. They are making it all about themselves ‘well no man needed to support me’ ‘such an alien concept to have to ask a man for money’

Basically making it all about how amazing they are! Have a medal…

I say this as someone who earned the same as my DH and who went back to full time work with two tiny children - I am just not so lacking in empathy that I can’t see this wouldn’t be the case for every woman….

I work 4.5 days a week, and mostly structure my non London days to be around for the kids (we have a nanny too) then work after their bedtime.

My partner works five days, but has more flexibility.

He took five months paternity leave with my first and four months with my second. A lot of our friends and colleagues are doing similar - we’re so lucky to have shared leave as this generation and hybrid working, and I’m so grateful for that

@Delatronthat's not what I am trying to say. I am saying that a lot of women are in a similar position to men, and maybe that’s why the attitude is different now. We are the generation that have shared parental leave, paid for both men and for women. Multiple of my male colleagues have been off recently for months, and yes that does mean more work for me, but I’m glad for society, and for them getting to spend time bonding with their babies.

I think of the OP was actually being financially abused, it would have been very different. The man who wouldn’t let his wife on a holiday for example - clearly abuse. But he was maybe just oblivious, wasn’t aware she was in debt, and has agreed to sort the debt together

Sorry my last sentence in the post just before was about the OP’s husband! Not the abusive husband

Yes you are lucky - you can see this isn’t the case here? Imagine if your DH works full time then pops to therapy for another hour after work…

For many women their DH’s can’t work
flexibly, they travel (with zero notice) they don’t or can’t or won’t take any paternity.

It should be the way it is with you but you can’t understand for some women it’s not?

That is why I am arguing that the OP pushes back on her DP. So SHE can earn more money and maybe progress her career. How can she do that if he’s never around and has nothing to do with childcare (either physically or mentally). If she’s in debt? If she’s stressed.

It is not equality in any way shape or form of the man is behaving as
though he doesn’t have a child…

The posters disagreeing with you are all women with careers. Generally the better educated and higher earning women are - the higher expectations they have of men and the less likely they are to put up with snuff.

What blows some posters minds on this thread including mine - is the low expectations of men and of life.

Nor is it clear what “earning well” means. Some posters have implied that 90k pa is a lot of money and have complained indignantly that OP is “living in SW London!” as if that were out of the ordinary. 90k is ok, I wouldn’t call it rich.

Exactly.

I’m glad things are finally changing. But this hasn’t really happened here for the OP. Maybe she should have pushed harder for some help though.

Edited as OP clarified. “Obliviousness” in marital relationships is quite often intentional Ime. Why is he is oblivious? Why does he know and care so little about his life partner?

Abuse is one thing, equality and transparency is another - which is what OP doesn’t have.

It’s hardly the case that if a relationship is not abusive per se it’s perfectly ok.

This is an extremely unusual situation though.
OP hasn't explained her financial set-up before children, but it sounds as though her DP covered all the mortgage and bills even pre children, meaning her entire full time income (£2300) was solely for her personal use.

Since having children OP has picked up child related costs and DP has picked up the costs involved in having an extra person living in a house, as well as the increased costs relating to cost of living that have kicked in over the last few years.

Yes, this has had a disproportionate impact on her, but that's because she was paying so little before hand, not because the new set-up is unfair.

It's great he could take 5 months paternity @january1244 .

All I can tell you is I never met a man who thought it was his wife's responsibility to 'fund' herself through maternity and beyond.

I never met a man who was of the mindset that if his wife books a cleaner that's 'her' cost.

Or if his wife wants to work, the childcare is 'her' cost.

Or if the child needs clothes and activities, that is also 'her' cost.

This seems to be the status who in OP's relationship. This guy just carries on paying off his mortgage as he always has. And his therapy is non-negotiable it seems. All the extras relating to having a child seem to have fallen to OP who, he must realise, in a much more limited, part-time wage. No wonder she is in debt! She shouldn't have to tell him this. He should know.

I suspect OP's father even knows the dynamic OP is in and that's why he won't take the train fare from OP when he comes to look after the child one day per week.

I absolutely think they should be sharing all costs in proportion to income. I think it's worth noting, though, that this will almost certainly end up with OP having less not more disposable income.

@Delatronthe OP has clarified here that she wants to work part time. She doesn’t want to work full time. Her full time salary was under £2.5k a month I think from memory. It’s good that people can choose to work how they want and structure that within their family.

Yes sorry by obliviousness, I meant the OPs partner. He clearly values her, said she was underplaying her contribution, and has said they will tackle the debt together. I think it was just poor communication.

My partner asked me to transfer some money this morning for a big purchase. Of course I did. But if he hadn’t asked, I wouldn’t have known.

I know

the OP has clarified here that she wants to work part time.

Only while the child is small.

The faultlines in this relationship are much more fundamental than lack of communication. The cards are very much stacked in DH’s favour. The conversation they should have had about finances was much more fundamental than what to do about her debt. They need to reorganise the whole thing.