AIBU for thinking my financial situation isn't sustainable and I'm heading for an almighty fall and mental health crisis

[TheHotRock98]

Hello,

I'm afraid I used chat GPT to help write this. I was asking it what I should do and asked it to convert to an AIBU query. This was inspired also by a thread by another MNer a couple of days ago. It frightened me as our situations were a little similar, though she sounds a much better/ more together person than me...

I'm 39 and my partner is 54. We've been together several years, live together in his home (he owns it but still has some to pay), and have a three-year-old together. He also has a 14-year-old daughter from a previous relationship.

We're not married.

I'm really struggling financially and it's affecting both my physical and mental health. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of panic.

My finances are:

• £173 into my overdraft (my limit is £200).
• Around £2,042 on a credit card.
• A loan with about £2,000 left to repay.

I work three days a week and my take-home pay is £1,500 a month.

Our three-year-old goes to nursery for two of the days I work, and my dad looks after him on the third day. I'm with my child on the other two weekdays.

My partner earns around £93,000 a year. He also owns a property abroad which he rents out. I believe the rental income is around €900 a month (I think that's right )

As far as I know, he has savings in both pounds and euros. I think the euro savings are around €70,000 (sorry I don't know if I heard him correctly at the time but it really sounded like he was saying this, could have been €17,000 I suppose, and this was a while ago anyway), although I don't know the exact figure and I have no idea how much he has in his UK savings. He says both have taken a significant hit because he was made redundant previously and that he's trying to build them back up. He's now back in full-time employment and has passed probation.

He pays the mortgage (it's his house), child maintenance of around £600 a month for his older child, plus additional costs for her (school holidays, school trips, etc.).

He also has therapy five times a week at around £95 a session. From what I understand, his therapist takes around two months' holiday each year, so he pays for roughly 10 months of therapy annually.

I don't pay towards the mortgage, but I do pay for childcare for our three-year-old (currently £130 a month, but it's due to increase by around another £200 a month soon).

I also pay for a lot of our toddler's day-to-day costs - clothes, toys, days out, little treats like cake or ice cream, and I buy some of the groceries, although not all. Also things like presents for other children when we go to their birthday parties.

On top of that I have my own regular expenses:

• contact lenses
• dental appointments and hygienist appointments
• tampons
• toiletries (deodorant, moisturiser, SPF, face wash, body lotion etc.)
• vitamin supplements
• dry cleaning for work clothes
• haircuts and hair colouring because I have a lot of grey hair and work in a professional environment.
• I do also but and wear make up, and not drug store either I'm afraid I do like the department store stuff (I know thats bad given my financial situation and living beyond my means etc. )

I suspect I might have ADHD (so as yet undiagnosed) and I'm aware I'm not naturally good with money. I'm sure that's contributed to some of my debt, so I'm not pretending I've managed everything perfectly.

Recently we've also had unexpected household costs. We had a plumbing issue affecting the flat which cost me £190 to sort out(I thought it was important, he thinks otherwise and the call out was unnecessary ), and our oven broke and had to be replaced, costing him around £500.

Before payday this month he told me he only had around £1,600 left in his current account because of various expenses. He says he's trying to rebuild his savings after the redundancy, so I appreciate he has financial commitments and isn't sitting on endless disposable income.

At the same time, I'm in debt, living in my overdraft and feeling like I'm sinking while trying to cover childcare, my own costs and many of our child's day-to-day expenses.

What I'm struggling with is whether this is simply how it has to be because we're not married, or whether it's reasonable to expect someone earning around £93,000 a year to contribute more towards the costs of the child we have together when I'm earning £1,500 a month and ending up in debt.

Can he reasonably say that my debts are my responsibility and refuse to help financially? Or should we be sharing the costs of raising our child in a way that reflects our very different incomes?

I'm genuinely asking because I don't know if my judgement is being clouded by stress. I feel like I'm spiralling and I can't carry on like this, but equally I don't want to be unfair to him if I'm expecting something unreasonable. I had a health scare recently and thankfully all came back clear and fine - but reading the summary of my consultation with the Dr she said I seemed stressed and tearful though I didn't cry. I don't even remember that, I had my toddler with me so I was listening to what she was saying while caring for him.

Also.i.paynfot the cleaner to come once a week (68 pounds) but I do.all laundry and ironing of clothes and bedding. He does 85% of cooking, but I do the clean up afterwards....

If you've got this far thank you. I don't know how I've fallen so far, when I started maternity leave I had around £8000 in the bank...

Are you sure he is seeing a therapist for an hour each day?

You do realise plenty of people manage childcare and both work full time don’t you? Having a child doesn’t mean that one parent needs to stay home to enable the other parent to work. Childcare exists, she’s not a martyr sacrificing her career for him

The OP doesn’t just want transparency, she wants more money. That was the question in her first post.

Many people don't want to use childcare. It's not compulsory or default.

Well DP’s child is in nursery so he seems fine with it.

If you were a much higher earner than your partner - who you recently had a child with - and this earnings gap was exacerbated by the fact she was working part-time because this is in the interests of your child and your psychotherapy commitment - would you let her be anxious and in debt? Wouid you talk in terms of 'my money' or 'my savings?' Really?

Or would you frame conversations like - "Well we have £x in this account, and £y in this other account so I think it probably it makes sense for us to prioritise this or that .., what do you think? " You know, a normal discussion between equal adults in a relationship supposedly prioritising the raising of a child which is his as much as hers..

I don't think the child is in nursery much though - 2 days? It would cost him a lot more if his child was in 5 days per week. Almost as much as his therapy! To be honest, he probably spends longer in Golders Green than the child spends in childcare..

You’re just making up details, OP says he cooks 85% of their meals, he provides all of their daily living costs, he sounds like he’s providing and is hands on. This allows OP to have all of her earnings as disposable income.

She’s not struggling to make ends meet. She by her own admission isn’t great with money. He’s left with a similar amount after his outgoings and his therapy.

Why should he stop paying for something that he must feel is necessary for his wellbeing and MH, so that OP has more money for cake and treats and make up etc?

She’s able to work part time, carry on spending the way she did prior to going part time as she has no bills. She’s not implied he is feckless and does nothing around the house, but you keep implying that he doesn’t.

It’s all very strange that you see someone protecting their assets and having separate finances as misogyny. OP could always go back to work full time if she needs the money, they can both contribute to the cost of childcare. That way OP can afford her haircut and dry cleaning and her DP can continue to attend his daily therapy

Me & my partner are like most people I know are equal adults in our relationship because we share housing costs and bills. We met at a similar life stage and built a life together, again like most people I know. Neither of us already had a child.

And I am the higher earner. Not by anything as significant as in the OP’s case but it still feels like pressure. And we do not pool finances because my DP spends far more than I do. I’m the one who plans & saves which also feels like pressure especially when it’s for the kids.

I couldn’t take 12 months mat leave and my kids have been in almost full time childcare since they were babies.

Id love a job that contributes to society more as the Op puts it, but I can’t afford to as I couldn’t pay my mortgage.

Most relationships I know are not like the OP’s. The circumstances are unusual. I don’t know anyone personally who had a baby in their 50s.

I don’t feel sorry for myself. I have a nice life.

The Op has not given up a lot for DP in comparison to what she has gained financially. She was previously making £2,300. Now she makes £1,500 but is saving on rent & bills. And she says herself she hasn’t progressed that far in her career even though she wasn’t very young having DC. She’d no assets or plan she met DP. I can’t see some big sacrifice here.

And if I truly wanted an equal partnership with an older man I wouldn’t move in with him, not pay bills and have a child with him without commitment and a clear plan.

£93,000 per year is around £5264 per month (I presume he pays around 5% into his pension)
£600 for child maintenance
£95 per day x 5 days per week for 10 months is £2090 per month on the months he has this therapist
I struggle to see how he needs a therapist 5 days out of every 7 but then is ok for 2 months of the year when therapist is away

If we take that the bills and mortgage and the weekly main food shop totals £984 then that would leave the £1600 he had left in his account at the end of the month.

Something isn’t adding up

How can a mortgage, car insurance, car tax, petrol, house insurance, council tax, water, tv licence, gas and electricity, internet, mobile phone and feeding a family of 3/sometimes 4 each week only cost £984 Per month.

Yes he has €900 euros per month rent coming in but again the income tax, house insurance and possibly a mortgage to pay off on that property would reduce it substantially and still wouldn’t make the figures totally add up unless TheHotRock98 was subsidizing him more than she is aware

She already pays for plumbers and some grocery’s. I think covering his bills is far higher than she thinks.

As an exercise I would pay for everything you normally spend your money on each month using card and keep the receipts

Or if you already do so I would go through the last 12 months bank statements credit card statements etc if you paid your credit card £200 then any charges over £200 on your credit card including all interest and fees that month need to be taken away from the £200 and you will have either a minus or positive make lists of what you spent your money on

Keep the receipts and then take a long hard look at where your money is being spent.

@TheHotRock98 Of course it is ok to like the finer things in life, but a champagne lifestyle* on a beer income isn’t sustainable and it is within your capability to take responsibility and cut your cloth accordingly. The only financial obligation your partner has towards you is for childcare costs, nothing more.

*spending more than you can afford. Many a mickle maks a muckle, so make a start:

You will not use a box hair colour, but you could save money by embracing your natural colour. Dyed hair is not compulsory even in a professional corporate setting.

Most fabrics (even those stating ‘dry clean only’) can be washed at home. I have an ‘everyday’ mac and an everyday coat - both are over 20 years old. If my child had a nosebleed on them, they (not the child) would either be hand washed, or put in the washing machine.

Rimmel waterproof mascara does not give panda eyes.

Myself and my husband also met at similar life stages (uni in fact) and have built lives together. He was / is a much higher earner. Even if I was working it would have been a drop in the ocean, especially as time went on. When we had kids I was 31, 33 and 35 and we never used childcare for any of them. I was a SAHM for and he never made me feel as if money was his. Everything did / do is geared towards what we think is best for the kids. We are different people, not clones, so we spend differently, sure. This is inevitable and to be expected. It doesn't need justifying. But neither of us would spend beyond our family's means. That is the key point. Everything has always been shared and transparent. We never think in terms of 'my money, your money.' We just trust each other because we are a family! We are 53 and 55 now and it's always been the same.

That’s great for you too but it seems to be colouring your view of the OP’s circumstances which are different. It like oh here’s exactly how we did it therefore it’s the only “right” way.

Saying oh sure don’t people have different spending habits is an enormous luxury if you’re not the one making the money!

Being in SAHM would be an alien concept to most people in their 30s today, women have to go out and hustle. That’s life. And not necessarily a bad thing.

Many couples are not aligned on finances. My DH & I have regular bust-ups about his spending. I think his discretionary spending while my salary funds more of our basics is enormously disrespectful and takes me for granted. And Im not talking bars of gold. Im talking stuff like buying lunches out at work, which are an enormous luxury if you can’t afford them!

Thank you for this post. I was losing complete faith in other women. Why do we put other women down?

Why did I get questioned about the fact that I said maternity leave and going part time and dealing with all the childcare (while the man carries on as is in his career) would impact the women’s career? Other women piping up ‘it didn’t affect my career’ well good for you - it’s quite unusual and you are doing nothing for equality with that attitude.

Anyway, great post and exactly what I was saying before I got shot down. By other women who should be ashamed of themselves

I think you and I are very aligned. It’s very important to me to be able to support my children financially, and mine are preschoolers also. My partner and I also have separate finances, but he knows roughly what I have, and I know roughly what he has, and we share a mortgage. We didn’t for a long time though because he wasn’t responsible with money (and at the time made a lot less) and I bought our first flat in London on my own.

I’m not great with money either though OP and it’s easy to fritter away bits here and there on coffees, lunches, days out, little treats etc.

I don’t mean to be that person either, but £93k isn’t a very high salary for London. The outgoings are high, it doesn’t go far.

And yes to the Jewish man living in London, cannot be easy right now, and it sickens me our politicians haven’t done more to clamp down on the abuse

The thing is @the7Vabo , how may couples are going to earn the same? Hardly any. And how many couples are going to have the same spending habits? I don't know any.

I may well be projecting my circumstances onto OP's situation, but I think you may be too. Because you resent your DH's discretionary spending habits which you deem as excessive and putting undue pressure on you as the higher earner, you are characterising the OP in a similar light.

I don't know if the OP has excessive spending habits. None of us can tell. I'm just saying that in a household where the joint income is probably approaching £140k (including his and her income and income from property), the odd trip to a dry cleaners and getting you hair dyed should not be something she should be berated for! Especially, given his insane therapy commitment.

It's very depressing when the poster above says 'he owes her nothing except the cost of childcare" (or words to that effect). Ffs! They are supposed to be a family. Why do women have such low expectations?

@lightseekerI can tell you what most of my friends do, which is calculate the mortgage, bills and childcare and put proportionate amounts in based on their net salaries. This addresses any disparity in earnings.

But this would be worse for the OP, as she would likely need to contribute more.

Also none of my friends have a stepchild to consider, where you’d be keeping your property and assets separate. Because if you ever divorced (and a 50% probability is high), you wouldn’t want your partner to take half or more at the expense of your child. Especially if you were older and couldn’t accumulate as much again.

I probably am somewhat. I don’t think as much as you because you seem determined that any less than the guy pooling finances with Op because they had a baby isn’t good enough.

A lot of couples I know work in professional services where both earn decent money.

I don’t know anyone who has always and continues to be a SAHM. My MIL who is pushing 80 had 4 children and went to work as a receptionist the youngest went to secondary school. My mother who is 75 always worked part time and used it as part of the family finances to fund stuff like holiday s. If your DH is happy with the arrangement that’s between you. But it doesn’t mean Dp has to hand over portions of his assets and a joint account or he’s doing it wrong.

This is spot on.

It’s rare for couples to earn exactly the same. And one spouse can earn more than the other at different stages. But there should always be equality, teamwork and some degree of sharing of funds. That’s what I’m not seeing in this relationship.

It seems like @the7Vabo is so personally money-focused and so resentful of OP’s circumstances that it blinds her to the inequality in the relationship. Although she does admit that she wouldn’t have a baby with an older man without commitment and a clear plan.

I don’t think OP has either.

Put it this way, if you were with a man who earned or came into money you could never earn in multiple lifetimes - eg. multiple millions - how are you supposed to compete with that? You could be on a good salary, like £60k. But he might make or lose many multiples if that over the course of a single day on his City Index account or other investments.

In this scenario, should he be living as a multimillionaire, while she tries to keep up on £60k?

No, it just doesn't work. You can't have a family where 2 adults live as separate people with wildly different disposable incomes.

If you are married to a spendaholic that's one thing, or someone who would be feckless and drag your family into debt. But most people are not like this. Most couples can assume they can trust each other and are on the same page, because they have the same priorities.

If I buy clothes of makeup or whatever, my DH doesn't question it because he trusts that if I think I need it, then I probably do. If he spends stuff on bikes or anything really I'm absolutely fine with whatever he thinks. We don't keep tabs on each other.

And this is the problem with carving up the spending the way they do - there’s a lack of transparency. They need a joint account for bills in addition to their personal and spreadsheet everything.

I've quoted my post of yesterday, because I don't think anyone else has picked up on this. Those people who think this current set up is unfair, what does a fair set up look like to you? That's fair to both OP and her DP.

I've suggested a possible "fair" set up in my quoted post, but it leaves OP worse off financially on a day to day basis whilst giving her more long term security. What alternative set-ups do others suggest?

@redskyAtNighI agree. If I was the OP I’d probably keep the current set up, because I think it favours her, rather than having to contribute according to salary percentage, in which she’d be paying
more. I’d clear the debt and set up a stocks and shares ISA for my security - it’s easier than property and you can make 10-12% returns. It’s also liquid, rather than a house which you have to wait to sell etc.

Id also talk to him and see if he can help clear the debts - explain the amounts of interest she is paying.

I think for some like @lightseekerthough, the only fair thing is him handing over everything to the OP. Regardless of the fact he had another child

And regardless of the fact that he is 20 years older, which increases the likelihood of him dying before her and the likelihood that any equity he gives he in property could ultimately end up with a subsequent partner.

It doesn't sound like it is the odd trip to the dry cleaners and getting her hair cut, though. OP has well over £1000 a month of discretionary spending money after childcare. That can easily cover those sorts of costs, and the cleaner, tampons and make up she lists.

What is far more likely to be taking her into debt is "days out, little treats like cake or ice cream" etc. which are ridiculous easy to spend a fortune on if you aren't thinking about it. And don't really provide any more benefit than taking snacks with you and going to free spaces and events (especially given she's in London).