AIBU for thinking my financial situation isn't sustainable and I'm heading for an almighty fall and mental health crisis

[TheHotRock98]

Hello,

I'm afraid I used chat GPT to help write this. I was asking it what I should do and asked it to convert to an AIBU query. This was inspired also by a thread by another MNer a couple of days ago. It frightened me as our situations were a little similar, though she sounds a much better/ more together person than me...

I'm 39 and my partner is 54. We've been together several years, live together in his home (he owns it but still has some to pay), and have a three-year-old together. He also has a 14-year-old daughter from a previous relationship.

We're not married.

I'm really struggling financially and it's affecting both my physical and mental health. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of panic.

My finances are:

• £173 into my overdraft (my limit is £200).
• Around £2,042 on a credit card.
• A loan with about £2,000 left to repay.

I work three days a week and my take-home pay is £1,500 a month.

Our three-year-old goes to nursery for two of the days I work, and my dad looks after him on the third day. I'm with my child on the other two weekdays.

My partner earns around £93,000 a year. He also owns a property abroad which he rents out. I believe the rental income is around €900 a month (I think that's right )

As far as I know, he has savings in both pounds and euros. I think the euro savings are around €70,000 (sorry I don't know if I heard him correctly at the time but it really sounded like he was saying this, could have been €17,000 I suppose, and this was a while ago anyway), although I don't know the exact figure and I have no idea how much he has in his UK savings. He says both have taken a significant hit because he was made redundant previously and that he's trying to build them back up. He's now back in full-time employment and has passed probation.

He pays the mortgage (it's his house), child maintenance of around £600 a month for his older child, plus additional costs for her (school holidays, school trips, etc.).

He also has therapy five times a week at around £95 a session. From what I understand, his therapist takes around two months' holiday each year, so he pays for roughly 10 months of therapy annually.

I don't pay towards the mortgage, but I do pay for childcare for our three-year-old (currently £130 a month, but it's due to increase by around another £200 a month soon).

I also pay for a lot of our toddler's day-to-day costs - clothes, toys, days out, little treats like cake or ice cream, and I buy some of the groceries, although not all. Also things like presents for other children when we go to their birthday parties.

On top of that I have my own regular expenses:

• contact lenses
• dental appointments and hygienist appointments
• tampons
• toiletries (deodorant, moisturiser, SPF, face wash, body lotion etc.)
• vitamin supplements
• dry cleaning for work clothes
• haircuts and hair colouring because I have a lot of grey hair and work in a professional environment.
• I do also but and wear make up, and not drug store either I'm afraid I do like the department store stuff (I know thats bad given my financial situation and living beyond my means etc. )

I suspect I might have ADHD (so as yet undiagnosed) and I'm aware I'm not naturally good with money. I'm sure that's contributed to some of my debt, so I'm not pretending I've managed everything perfectly.

Recently we've also had unexpected household costs. We had a plumbing issue affecting the flat which cost me £190 to sort out(I thought it was important, he thinks otherwise and the call out was unnecessary ), and our oven broke and had to be replaced, costing him around £500.

Before payday this month he told me he only had around £1,600 left in his current account because of various expenses. He says he's trying to rebuild his savings after the redundancy, so I appreciate he has financial commitments and isn't sitting on endless disposable income.

At the same time, I'm in debt, living in my overdraft and feeling like I'm sinking while trying to cover childcare, my own costs and many of our child's day-to-day expenses.

What I'm struggling with is whether this is simply how it has to be because we're not married, or whether it's reasonable to expect someone earning around £93,000 a year to contribute more towards the costs of the child we have together when I'm earning £1,500 a month and ending up in debt.

Can he reasonably say that my debts are my responsibility and refuse to help financially? Or should we be sharing the costs of raising our child in a way that reflects our very different incomes?

I'm genuinely asking because I don't know if my judgement is being clouded by stress. I feel like I'm spiralling and I can't carry on like this, but equally I don't want to be unfair to him if I'm expecting something unreasonable. I had a health scare recently and thankfully all came back clear and fine - but reading the summary of my consultation with the Dr she said I seemed stressed and tearful though I didn't cry. I don't even remember that, I had my toddler with me so I was listening to what she was saying while caring for him.

Also.i.paynfot the cleaner to come once a week (68 pounds) but I do.all laundry and ironing of clothes and bedding. He does 85% of cooking, but I do the clean up afterwards....

If you've got this far thank you. I don't know how I've fallen so far, when I started maternity leave I had around £8000 in the bank...

None of this is relevant when she isn’t his wife.
They have specifically chosen to have a child together while not legally or financially tied together.

The father is a red herring because he’s not doing them a favour, it’s actually more expensive for OP to pay the £80 she does for her dad’s train fair than an extra day of nursery.

Not necessarily, because if OP is contributing to mortage and upkeep of property she’d qualify as having a beneficial interest in it.

And even if that were the case there would be much greater transparency on finances and the relationship itself would be on a more equal footing.

As someone who outearns my DH (IKR?) I’m more than happy to share funds for his needs, why wouldn’t I? In reality he’s a high earner and doesn’t need it. But we’ve both done it for the other in the past.

The grandfather is doing them a favour because it sounds like he comes a long way and it's another day the child can be at home.

Seriously? A father giving up his time and energy to care for his grandchild is not a favour? What planet is this?

Far preferable for the child to experience building a relationship with a family member than being bunged in a nursery with a bunch of screaming kids and rotating staff.

I know, and I agree. But if I were in her position, personally I’d rather keep my cash and invest it in a stocks and shares ISA. Much better return, and easily accessible.

I agree on the helping each other out. I think OPs husband was oblivious, he thought that by covering the living costs she was okay. She spoke to him and he automatically agreed to help out. I think the OP was just worried and stressed and checking here before deciding what to do

It’s a huge favour! And a really lovely thing to do. The child with have such a nice grandparent relationship as a result.

None of the GP’s for us wanted to do any type of childcare, but I’d have loved one day a week to build up the relationship

How is it a favour when it literally costs the OP more?

Wanting your DC to be with family is a different reason, and that’s a choice but previous comments have suggested he’s doing them a favour so OP doesn’t have to pay more for nursery, but the set up is costing not saving.

Well let’s just say you don’t get it.

I’ve got to go to a meeting.

@Honeyhonayboo - it's £20 she gives him each week, not £80. And that's just towards covering his train fare (which she knows is more than that).

It doesn't cost the OP more. She doesn't want to put her child in nursery for more than 2 days a week so the comparison is the £20 she pays for her father's train fare compared to what OP earns in a day (which I assume is more than £20).

Yeah it’s a huge ask of a grandfather to travel to London one day every week and to look after a toddler all day. I do think childcare in London is more than £20. It was when I was working.

Also, OP has done very well finding a cheap nursery place but that is changing soon. Some acknowledgment that it is her juggling all this - organising and paying for nursery, organising her father to
come down every week to look after their child, then covering another two days herself.

Not only does the DH not get involved but instead of coming home after work he goes to therapy every day. So even if she wanted some free time - to exercise, to work, to see friends. Doesn’t sound like she can… no wonder her mental health isn’t very good.

But some on here want to give him a medal because he has carried on paying the same mortgage he always has (and he is paying towards another asset for him) and cooks a few times a week.

Yes if some posters can’t see that childcare in London would cost more than £20 and of course the grandfather is doing them a HUGE favour. Not only for the OP but the DH because for some reason all the childcare is falling on OP to sort…

I genuinely give up!

It’s £80 a month and she pays £130 for 2 days childcare a week in a nursery, therefore one grandad dad costs more.

The numbers are all there if you actually want to read them and make useful comments.

I think there would be free hours at play as he is three. So it probably would be less than £20 a week. But also how lovely the grandad wants to do it and makes the effort to travel to do it

Yes how lovely - they are very lucky and hopefully the DH appreciates this. It’s hard looking after a toddler as it is let alone when you are older. It’s a huge commitment. Can you imagine what time the grandad gets up to travel to London so the OP (and her DH) can go to work?

Let’s not downplay the cost of childcare - it helps nobody - most of all women. If the OP has found a nursery place that is £130 per month (soon to go up) for two days that’s amazing and very unusual and good for her. For finding it, organising it and paying for it. And then for her Dad to cover one day and her the other two. Covering 5 day of childcare in London trends not to be cheap or easy.

Well it’s 30 hours free plus consumables charge if you earn under £100k. So it’s not necessarily a cheap nursery

But yes if one parent earns over this, you’re looking at £2.5k plus a month

I could probably let go of the cleaner in September when DS goes to nursery for his third day.

The nursery cost is increasing mostly due to the extra day, so presumably the grandad train payment will stop unless the extra nursery day is one of OP’s non working days.

Let’s not downplay the cost of childcare - it helps nobody - most of all women.

I don’t think anyone is downplaying the cost of childcare, many families need to pay hundreds if not thousands a month on childcare, but that’s quite clearly not OP. She’s lucky to have a very small childcare cost.

Hold on there. Waterproof mascara has what chemicals in it? I can't wear non-waterproof as it falls off my face in this heat. I did not know however, that I am poisoning my lashes. Can you get eyelash cancer?