AIBU for thinking my financial situation isn't sustainable and I'm heading for an almighty fall and mental health crisis

[TheHotRock98]

Hello,

I'm afraid I used chat GPT to help write this. I was asking it what I should do and asked it to convert to an AIBU query. This was inspired also by a thread by another MNer a couple of days ago. It frightened me as our situations were a little similar, though she sounds a much better/ more together person than me...

I'm 39 and my partner is 54. We've been together several years, live together in his home (he owns it but still has some to pay), and have a three-year-old together. He also has a 14-year-old daughter from a previous relationship.

We're not married.

I'm really struggling financially and it's affecting both my physical and mental health. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of panic.

My finances are:

• £173 into my overdraft (my limit is £200).
• Around £2,042 on a credit card.
• A loan with about £2,000 left to repay.

I work three days a week and my take-home pay is £1,500 a month.

Our three-year-old goes to nursery for two of the days I work, and my dad looks after him on the third day. I'm with my child on the other two weekdays.

My partner earns around £93,000 a year. He also owns a property abroad which he rents out. I believe the rental income is around €900 a month (I think that's right )

As far as I know, he has savings in both pounds and euros. I think the euro savings are around €70,000 (sorry I don't know if I heard him correctly at the time but it really sounded like he was saying this, could have been €17,000 I suppose, and this was a while ago anyway), although I don't know the exact figure and I have no idea how much he has in his UK savings. He says both have taken a significant hit because he was made redundant previously and that he's trying to build them back up. He's now back in full-time employment and has passed probation.

He pays the mortgage (it's his house), child maintenance of around £600 a month for his older child, plus additional costs for her (school holidays, school trips, etc.).

He also has therapy five times a week at around £95 a session. From what I understand, his therapist takes around two months' holiday each year, so he pays for roughly 10 months of therapy annually.

I don't pay towards the mortgage, but I do pay for childcare for our three-year-old (currently £130 a month, but it's due to increase by around another £200 a month soon).

I also pay for a lot of our toddler's day-to-day costs - clothes, toys, days out, little treats like cake or ice cream, and I buy some of the groceries, although not all. Also things like presents for other children when we go to their birthday parties.

On top of that I have my own regular expenses:

• contact lenses
• dental appointments and hygienist appointments
• tampons
• toiletries (deodorant, moisturiser, SPF, face wash, body lotion etc.)
• vitamin supplements
• dry cleaning for work clothes
• haircuts and hair colouring because I have a lot of grey hair and work in a professional environment.
• I do also but and wear make up, and not drug store either I'm afraid I do like the department store stuff (I know thats bad given my financial situation and living beyond my means etc. )

I suspect I might have ADHD (so as yet undiagnosed) and I'm aware I'm not naturally good with money. I'm sure that's contributed to some of my debt, so I'm not pretending I've managed everything perfectly.

Recently we've also had unexpected household costs. We had a plumbing issue affecting the flat which cost me £190 to sort out(I thought it was important, he thinks otherwise and the call out was unnecessary ), and our oven broke and had to be replaced, costing him around £500.

Before payday this month he told me he only had around £1,600 left in his current account because of various expenses. He says he's trying to rebuild his savings after the redundancy, so I appreciate he has financial commitments and isn't sitting on endless disposable income.

At the same time, I'm in debt, living in my overdraft and feeling like I'm sinking while trying to cover childcare, my own costs and many of our child's day-to-day expenses.

What I'm struggling with is whether this is simply how it has to be because we're not married, or whether it's reasonable to expect someone earning around £93,000 a year to contribute more towards the costs of the child we have together when I'm earning £1,500 a month and ending up in debt.

Can he reasonably say that my debts are my responsibility and refuse to help financially? Or should we be sharing the costs of raising our child in a way that reflects our very different incomes?

I'm genuinely asking because I don't know if my judgement is being clouded by stress. I feel like I'm spiralling and I can't carry on like this, but equally I don't want to be unfair to him if I'm expecting something unreasonable. I had a health scare recently and thankfully all came back clear and fine - but reading the summary of my consultation with the Dr she said I seemed stressed and tearful though I didn't cry. I don't even remember that, I had my toddler with me so I was listening to what she was saying while caring for him.

Also.i.paynfot the cleaner to come once a week (68 pounds) but I do.all laundry and ironing of clothes and bedding. He does 85% of cooking, but I do the clean up afterwards....

If you've got this far thank you. I don't know how I've fallen so far, when I started maternity leave I had around £8000 in the bank...

There have been more posts on this thread about the therapy than everything else, and yet OP herself has made no particular reference to it, or to the time it takes him away from the house.

The therapy is irrelevant to OP's financial situation. If DP cut his therapy down to once a week, which presumably everyone would consider acceptable, it's likely that he would just use the saved money to boost his savings or pension. Or he might give her £200 to pay for the increase in nursery costs (something else unexplained, that has literally been glossed over). Neither of these things would materially affect OP's situation.

@the7Vabo - Where did I say I have never worked or never made any money? Yes I was a SAHM for a long time. I'm not asking for approval or otherwise. I'm in my 50s now, couldn't care less. What we can see now, in retrospect, is that we made more money - as a family - through me being a SAHM for those years, than anything else we could have done. It enabled us to put the kids through schools and unis in a way we could not have done if I'd been working as well during the key years.

@Bridesmaidorexfriend
I would say I wouldn’t have put myself in the position OP is in, by having a baby in those circumstances given their different life stages etc, but then again OP was on a fairly low income in London, and so actually, I don’t think she’s got it bad. I am rubbish with money, so I’d never be in her DPs position, but I don’t think I’d mind being in OPs. I’d get to work part time, spend time with my child, have a pretty decent amount of disposable income and probably live in a decent house. If OP was living in London on her previous salary, she probably had none of that and unlikely to have it in the future.

But this is just such low expectations of life. 🙈 Your take is: OP lives in London, works PT & gets to spends time with her kid so she can’t expect any more than that.

When I first got married we pooled everything. Now in my 50’s, if I had a divorce behind me and retirement approaching, no way would I be made vulnerable with all my assets, to marry a much younger person with no assets themselves. If I felt I needed the therapy, that’s my decision (although agree it’s mad).

The op has a healthy disposable income and acknowledges that she’s bad with money.

In a healthy relationship, money should be transparent- the op does know how much he earns, rental income etc but not the finer details. There is no reason she couldn’t ask him to sit down and go through their finances together and perhaps tweak a few bits if there is leeway, but given he’s already said that he’s replenishing savings and he’s probably saving for retirement, I don’t think what she has is unreasonable. As others have pointed out, she would be much worse off if they do it pro rata. She would of course be reasonable to go back to work full time but I don’t get the impression she wants that.

She does need to prioritise her long term financial stability. I think it would be reasonable to ask that he leaves his assets in his will to his two children with a clause that she is able to live there during her lifetime. But that doesn’t protect her if they split. She needs savings of her own and a good pension of her own. Again this should be the subject being discussed when they sit down together and work out finances to benefit them both. It may be that he agrees to pay more directly into these things or he takes e off the childcare costs. Or he may see a lot of her spending as frivolous and she could cut back and fund this out of the allowance she currently gets. Only they can decide what reasonable or not given their finances - as we all do in our relationships. Of course if she’s not happy, she could work more.

But at 50+ I can really see why he’s protecting his assets. She could leave him taking much of them, leaving him very vulnerable in his later years, if he was to sign over 50%. This would be increasingly likely as they get older and the age difference becomes more apparent if he holds her back, needs care etc.

Money money money. That’s what it all comes down to on this thread,

90k isn’t even that much in the general scheme of things.

Presumably you’ve misunderstood my last sentence then

re marriage:

Aluna · Today 09:54
@redskyAtNigh
They need to get married. OP has no security - she could easily be booted out of her home.

this is at least the third comment saying they “need” to get married.

tbf, as most people have identified the relationship is probably over let alone needing a marriage, but that’s up to op

The point is that the OP is being berated for being frivolous and spending too much on luxuries such as dry cleaning and a cleaner which are a drop in the ocean compared to £2k per month on therapy. And yes it would make a difference if he covered childcare! Considering the OP has £173 in her bank account yet has to buy the toddlers clothes...

Of course £2k diverted elsewhere a month would help all round.

Can we not see that by paying for and providing childcare for his child she is unable to build up her own assets or even work more hours? Yet he gets to carry on as though he does not have a child. He gets to pay in to a mortgage, savings and a pension - she is facilitating this by covering the childcare an working part time.

I think, in life, you basically get what you're prepared to put up with. If you are happy to have a child with a man who thinks in terms of 'his' money, then good luck with that. Even on here, someone said the OP was lucky because she has 'free board and lodgings.' 😂Board and lodgings! They are supposed to be a family. She's not some rando woman who wandered in off the street.

Agree @lightseeker

This thread is quite depressing!

You couldn’t care less? Yet here you are writing paragraph after paragraph projecting your personal situation onto OP. Again & again, over & over. Insisting Op has given DP some huge advantage. A man who was in the twilight of his working years when he met her. A man who cooks dinner when you insist he must be at therapy, to which you snap - “does he want a medal”? Insisting that childcare people use everyday just wouldn’t cut it for Dp, like he needs OP that badly.

But you don’t care.

And that is really good if that worked for your family. But it is not the only way. My partner and I are both high earners, we don’t need someone to stay home to facilitate one of our careers. For my friends, colleagues, clients also - most are making it work with two careers.

I have protected my assets for my children. I love and trust my partner and we’ve been together for a decade and a half. We don’t need to share finances to be a family. And with the break up rate as it is, as a man in his 50s, he’d be crazy to sign over his house to the OP

I am posting because I know a man like this one (minus the therapy). A relative is married to him. It's really pisees me off what she has to put up with and how it has reduced her to a shadow of her former self. I hear about him every other day. So if I am projecting anything, it's that.

Well the Op describes herself as not needing much make-up because she is beautiful, and had snapped at people that she contributes more to society than other careers. A career she says she’s very good at. So not a woman being reduced to a shadow of anything.

Not only is it not the only way, it’s not the norm in 2026.

And like you my priority is my children. Unlike you, I have had to learn a lesson that my DH is not careful with money and doesn’t have any clear financial goals. He is quite like a teenager. Nothing - I am left with everything not only day but I’m the only one who thinks about the future at all. It wouldn’t even cross my DH’s mind to think about the future costs of the children.

My assets and savings for for my kids. I have no intention of leaving DH but if ended up in a romantic relationship after DH I wouldn’t be sharing assets I have worked my whole life for. They are for my kids. At this point my kids welfare is my goal in life.

I don’t think “prepared to put up with” cuts it here because we don’t get total choice in life.

We can choose options which may improve our life or make it worse, but we can’t chose “best of all worlds” by controlling how others behave

OP has a status quo at the moment- she doesn’t worry about whether the mortage or council tax are paid- which is good, as she can’t afford them. On the flip side her partner doesn’t want to share finances or pay her debt.

if she were single she would be expected to house herself which would cause an issue due to her income- either she would top up with benefits or work more. She would receive CMs for her child.

if she married, and stayed married for c10 years (in this seemingly poor relationship) she could be pretty confident she would be entitled to half his assets.

what she can’t do, is force the best of all those situations and somehow Change the man she’s in a relationship with

@the7Vabo - Well she's posting on here isn't she. She knows something is 'off' but she's so gaslighted by this guy, she can't see the wood for the trees. It's sad to read.

My relative is like this. Her husband earns probably over £200k - but she doesn't even know. Because he won't tell her. Her own husband! They have 2 children together. She has no idea how much he has in savings - only a vague idea. He used to work all over the world and would go off at the drop of a hat. So she had to work around that. She worked part time anrounf the kids as a result and anyway, even if she had worked full time, she would never have matched his income. The point is not the money or who earns this or that. It's the principle of transparency. It's about respect. That is what is affecting my relative most and making her doubt her worth. And this is what I strongly suspect is happening to OP, as I read her posts.

Problem with all this is never once do you mention the fact they have a child together…

It’s not the problem. The children are dealt with via CMS. There is nothing else that the partner (or OP tbf) is obliged to do for their child.

maybe OPs partner will decide he wants the child to live with him as he has a suitable home, and they’ll end up in court, who knows.

but it’s not the problem being missed- having a child also doesn’t give you control of the other parent.

They are supposed to be a family fgs! She is the mother of his young child and his partner, supposedly. He's not her landlord, graciously permitting 'board and lodgings.' What planet are some people on!

But that is projecting. The Op knows what assets her DP has, she knows what income he has to the exact amount.

Why are you treating her like she doenst have agency over her own decisions. She decided to have a baby with him. Either with no financial agreement or with the agreement that she would cover nursery and clothes etc. That’s unclear.

They are not married she could walk away tomorrow. But she wouldn’t be financially better off. And she made that decision as an adult woman with full mental capacity and significant life experience.

What is she “gaslight” about for goodness sake?! She’s an adult!

You keep saying this it’s like you’re deliberately misunderstanding the issue here

I don’t think “prepared to put up with” cuts it here because we don’t get total choice in life

And we’re back to low expectations! Of course can have everything.

It’s bizarre to me that you see OP as such having great bonuses in her life (things that others take for granted as basic) that she can’t expect a decent DH to boot.

If your ideas of what is attainable in life are limited then of course what you get will be limited. Life won’t give you something you don’t think is possible.

You trot off “doesn’t want to share finances” as if it’s a mere nothing - but that is a key integral part of being in a relationship. If you’re not sharing finances, you’re not sharing childcare you’re not really in a relationship.

That poster is not projecting no, she’s comparing OP to another relationship because there are common factors.

If anything - you’re the one who’s projecting: your resentment at having to work FT, having a slightly shit DH etc.

Your line seems to be - you don’t have what you want so why should OP get it?

I mean he cooks ‘dinner’ right? She can’t ask for more than that.

It is to some people