AIBU for thinking my financial situation isn't sustainable and I'm heading for an almighty fall and mental health crisis

[TheHotRock98]

Hello,

I'm afraid I used chat GPT to help write this. I was asking it what I should do and asked it to convert to an AIBU query. This was inspired also by a thread by another MNer a couple of days ago. It frightened me as our situations were a little similar, though she sounds a much better/ more together person than me...

I'm 39 and my partner is 54. We've been together several years, live together in his home (he owns it but still has some to pay), and have a three-year-old together. He also has a 14-year-old daughter from a previous relationship.

We're not married.

I'm really struggling financially and it's affecting both my physical and mental health. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of panic.

My finances are:

• £173 into my overdraft (my limit is £200).
• Around £2,042 on a credit card.
• A loan with about £2,000 left to repay.

I work three days a week and my take-home pay is £1,500 a month.

Our three-year-old goes to nursery for two of the days I work, and my dad looks after him on the third day. I'm with my child on the other two weekdays.

My partner earns around £93,000 a year. He also owns a property abroad which he rents out. I believe the rental income is around €900 a month (I think that's right )

As far as I know, he has savings in both pounds and euros. I think the euro savings are around €70,000 (sorry I don't know if I heard him correctly at the time but it really sounded like he was saying this, could have been €17,000 I suppose, and this was a while ago anyway), although I don't know the exact figure and I have no idea how much he has in his UK savings. He says both have taken a significant hit because he was made redundant previously and that he's trying to build them back up. He's now back in full-time employment and has passed probation.

He pays the mortgage (it's his house), child maintenance of around £600 a month for his older child, plus additional costs for her (school holidays, school trips, etc.).

He also has therapy five times a week at around £95 a session. From what I understand, his therapist takes around two months' holiday each year, so he pays for roughly 10 months of therapy annually.

I don't pay towards the mortgage, but I do pay for childcare for our three-year-old (currently £130 a month, but it's due to increase by around another £200 a month soon).

I also pay for a lot of our toddler's day-to-day costs - clothes, toys, days out, little treats like cake or ice cream, and I buy some of the groceries, although not all. Also things like presents for other children when we go to their birthday parties.

On top of that I have my own regular expenses:

• contact lenses
• dental appointments and hygienist appointments
• tampons
• toiletries (deodorant, moisturiser, SPF, face wash, body lotion etc.)
• vitamin supplements
• dry cleaning for work clothes
• haircuts and hair colouring because I have a lot of grey hair and work in a professional environment.
• I do also but and wear make up, and not drug store either I'm afraid I do like the department store stuff (I know thats bad given my financial situation and living beyond my means etc. )

I suspect I might have ADHD (so as yet undiagnosed) and I'm aware I'm not naturally good with money. I'm sure that's contributed to some of my debt, so I'm not pretending I've managed everything perfectly.

Recently we've also had unexpected household costs. We had a plumbing issue affecting the flat which cost me £190 to sort out(I thought it was important, he thinks otherwise and the call out was unnecessary ), and our oven broke and had to be replaced, costing him around £500.

Before payday this month he told me he only had around £1,600 left in his current account because of various expenses. He says he's trying to rebuild his savings after the redundancy, so I appreciate he has financial commitments and isn't sitting on endless disposable income.

At the same time, I'm in debt, living in my overdraft and feeling like I'm sinking while trying to cover childcare, my own costs and many of our child's day-to-day expenses.

What I'm struggling with is whether this is simply how it has to be because we're not married, or whether it's reasonable to expect someone earning around £93,000 a year to contribute more towards the costs of the child we have together when I'm earning £1,500 a month and ending up in debt.

Can he reasonably say that my debts are my responsibility and refuse to help financially? Or should we be sharing the costs of raising our child in a way that reflects our very different incomes?

I'm genuinely asking because I don't know if my judgement is being clouded by stress. I feel like I'm spiralling and I can't carry on like this, but equally I don't want to be unfair to him if I'm expecting something unreasonable. I had a health scare recently and thankfully all came back clear and fine - but reading the summary of my consultation with the Dr she said I seemed stressed and tearful though I didn't cry. I don't even remember that, I had my toddler with me so I was listening to what she was saying while caring for him.

Also.i.paynfot the cleaner to come once a week (68 pounds) but I do.all laundry and ironing of clothes and bedding. He does 85% of cooking, but I do the clean up afterwards....

If you've got this far thank you. I don't know how I've fallen so far, when I started maternity leave I had around £8000 in the bank...

“(whose career will have taken an impact on maternity though we appear to be dismissing that)”

why do you keep assuming these things? My career didn’t take an impact from maternity, why would everyone’s?

Sorry you’re right. That never happens. There’s complete equality. The gender pay gap doesn’t exist.

Going part time and covering all the childcare - being the default parent and having to be the flexible one whilst the other parent works full time (and has therapy every night) won’t have had any impact on the OP’s career and ability to work at all.

@Delatron What do you think is an appropriate division of finances in OP's situation? You seem to think her DP should pay for everything.

having a job isn’t the same as a career. OP has said clearly she’s always had a low paid job that she finds interesting. Not everyone gets paid more the longer they do a job.

But he did support her. He didn’t ask OP to continue to pay towards her half of bills like I’ve seen on MN before. If he covers all her costs, as she implies, then her only outgoings on maternity were her personal spends, not even childcare.

Having a baby with someone doesn’t give you automatic right to their assets and money. Lots and lots of relationships keep money separate and make it fair by paying proportionate to their income.

Going part time is a choice and one that is only possible because her DP is covering all of their expenses. It’s also a privilege. There’s no indication that OP has been forced to do this. Her DP can pay for childcare if she wants to work more. I can never understand the argument that it’s somehow in the other parents best interest for one to be a SAHP/PT. It benefits the child, definitely. And in a relationship, it can be mutually agreed that this is how they manage the division of labour. And in a marriage if the other parent in that time is building a career and wealth, then yes that’s family money. But thats not the case here.

If her DP is paying mortagage (which he should as its his asset) council tax, gas, electric, water, phone bill, food, internet, insurance etc. and OPs outgoings are £130pm childcare, then hes providing for them both.

Just because a gender pay gap exists doesn’t mean the Op is somehow being treated unfairly.

You have no actual evidence that OP’s career has suffered or if it has that it has anything to do with DP and not her own choices. She wasn’t a high earner in the first place so she hasn’t made some huge sacrifice in 3 ish years.

You just insist on repeating this women are put upon mantra again & again.

The sad thing that this thread reveals is how men don't even need to gaslight women with misogyny. There are way too many women who have already internalised such low expectations for themselves, and for men, that they do the job of misogyny all by themselves as they try to gaslight other women to sink as low as them.

Here it is -

This man was over 50 when the child was born.

He has lived a life and has already gone through one divorce.

No decent man of any age (let alone 50) has any business having another child with a woman if he is not prepared to do it properly - i.e

A commitment to financial transparency and to providing for his child and the mother of his child in the early years (OP obviously being a lower earner and working part-time due to his young child)

Shared finances - yes he has his older daughter, but obviously that is factored in to the family financial picture. The point is transparency.

Some form of equity in a home for his new partner - the mother of his child - su that she has a sense of stability and is not a nervous wreck all the time

Putting the financial and emotional security of his family - the family he has decided to have - before himself

And marry the woman (preferably - has he asked her even)?

In other words, grow up and be a man ffs. Do the right thing by the woman having your child OR DON'T HAVE ANOTHER CHILD.

I am shocked that some women on here seem to thing this man is amazing just because he pays his own mortgage and bills. Big clap that man.

There are women on here chanting that he is entitled to spend 'his' money on whatever he likes! Just listen to yourselves.

Never ever have a child with a man who can't even be transparent about finances. Never have a child with a man who thinks what he earns is 'his' snd his alone.

What a load of tosh. I divorced the father of my children because he didn’t want to pay mortgage or bills. Why should I pay it all?

I think you two agree with more than you dont

Well what was he doing? Was he a SAHD? Or working and keeping his money to himself?

@lightseekerthat is pretty ridiculous. If you have a child already, you protect their inheritance. You don’t sign over your assets to a new partner. It’s not even recommended to remarry. She hasn’t contributed to his assets, why should she benefit over and above the two children.

He has been transparent. She knows how much he earns, how much his maintenance is, how much is in his current account (not much due to redundancy). She knows that he covers all bills. She knows he is trying to rebuild savings. He has a daughter who will be needing help with uni costs in 3-4 years. He has another child. The OP is not good with money. Would you honestly give someone more money each month when you cover all of their living costs at the expense of your child.

And if the sexes were reversed, I’d think this whole situation and some of the comments on here were bonkers also.

Mine? He was working, self employed and worked around school- much like OP

I think it’s all starting to become rather grubby and money grabbing.

Well why not just pool all the money? Then no argument about who pays what.

I totally agree that the OP's DH has a commitment to his elder daughter. No dispute from me on that. But before you even agree to have another child you have that conversation. It's obvious he needs to provide for her and save for her future, etc. The OP accepts this, surely. An amount can be ringfenced; trust funds set up for the elder daughter (if not already), etc.

But he also has to ensure the financial and emotional security of this new family he has decided to have. Not treat her a a second class citizen, with whom he may or may not deem fit to share info about his savings or wider finances. How patronising can you get?

Trust funds?! How loaded do you think the guy is? He earns £90 k a year. He’s not rich rich.

He doesn’t have to pool all his money with the Op just to prove he is a proper man provider. While the Op who says she has a spending problem has full access to the money he has worked his whole life for while he is 10 years from retirement.

The OP’s child is now 3, she can go back to full-time work and build up her own career so that she is not reliant on him to provide for her.

And they can work on having a relationship of equals where OP housing security is guaranteed, and they both have a secured enough childcare for them to work.

Imagine being the parent of a three year old and taking yourself off to the other side of London every weekday for therapy. I mean, it's unbelievable.

I did the pre-clinical psychotherapy training at the Tavistock and all the tutors had undergone 4 years of this type of 5 times weekly therapy. All women. And ALL said it was not something they could have remotely considered with pre-school children.

So this just shows how selfish he is. Imagine if OP took herself off to Golders Green every day - a trip that must take about 3 hours if he goes by tube from SW London. Would he pick up the slack for her with his child at home? Change his hours? Go part-time? As if.

Trust funds?! How loaded do you think the guy is? He earns £90 k a year. He’s not rich rich.

You don’t have to be super rich to set up a trust fund. You could make a trust fund for whatever amount you can.

Do you think he might be planning to become a psychotherapist too?

I have worked in the area. Your average man on the street does not set up trust funds.

The OP does not have a 'spending problem.' She just buys a few things from Boots and goes to a dry cleaners occasionally! So what!

Meanwhile he - the father - sounds £500 a week on psychotherapy.

Fine if you're a single man. He is not. And he doesn't earn nearly enough to divert that money from his family.

Imagine if OP spent £95 on herself everyday. Or if she spent £95 on the child everyday. It's a joke.

He pays all the bills. Would it be wise for him to go part time?

Yes, the therapy thing is odd but he’s a Jewish man in London in 2026 when Jewish people are on the news saying they don’t feel safe in London. So maybe he’s going through something.

With your attitude why wouldn’t ever younger woman have a baby with a man in his 50s. With the price of property and inflation it makes a lot of sense. You don’t need to worry about your career or how you will get on the housing ladder, you can just tell him he needs to provide. Job done.

Maybe? The only people I ever met who committed to this kind of therapy were doing it as per requirement if the BAP clinical training. It really is a huge undertaking in times of time and life priorities, not just financially.

He could have found any of the many other types of registered psychotherapist and seen them once a week.

Well presumably he wasn't forced to have a child with her?

Look, all she wants is to be treated with some basic respect.

it's not about how much money she earns or how much he earns. It's just having the respect to be open and transparent with the mother of your child about finances. It's the fact that he is not, that is making her insecure.

If she wasn't part-time he wouldn't be able to work the hours he presumably does, or go to Golders Green for 3 hours every day. How has his life changed since the child came into their lives? It hasn't. -he's just carrying on as he always has. I'm astonished anyone would think his behaviour is remotely acceptable.