AIBU for thinking my financial situation isn't sustainable and I'm heading for an almighty fall and mental health crisis

[TheHotRock98]

Hello,

I'm afraid I used chat GPT to help write this. I was asking it what I should do and asked it to convert to an AIBU query. This was inspired also by a thread by another MNer a couple of days ago. It frightened me as our situations were a little similar, though she sounds a much better/ more together person than me...

I'm 39 and my partner is 54. We've been together several years, live together in his home (he owns it but still has some to pay), and have a three-year-old together. He also has a 14-year-old daughter from a previous relationship.

We're not married.

I'm really struggling financially and it's affecting both my physical and mental health. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of panic.

My finances are:

• £173 into my overdraft (my limit is £200).
• Around £2,042 on a credit card.
• A loan with about £2,000 left to repay.

I work three days a week and my take-home pay is £1,500 a month.

Our three-year-old goes to nursery for two of the days I work, and my dad looks after him on the third day. I'm with my child on the other two weekdays.

My partner earns around £93,000 a year. He also owns a property abroad which he rents out. I believe the rental income is around €900 a month (I think that's right )

As far as I know, he has savings in both pounds and euros. I think the euro savings are around €70,000 (sorry I don't know if I heard him correctly at the time but it really sounded like he was saying this, could have been €17,000 I suppose, and this was a while ago anyway), although I don't know the exact figure and I have no idea how much he has in his UK savings. He says both have taken a significant hit because he was made redundant previously and that he's trying to build them back up. He's now back in full-time employment and has passed probation.

He pays the mortgage (it's his house), child maintenance of around £600 a month for his older child, plus additional costs for her (school holidays, school trips, etc.).

He also has therapy five times a week at around £95 a session. From what I understand, his therapist takes around two months' holiday each year, so he pays for roughly 10 months of therapy annually.

I don't pay towards the mortgage, but I do pay for childcare for our three-year-old (currently £130 a month, but it's due to increase by around another £200 a month soon).

I also pay for a lot of our toddler's day-to-day costs - clothes, toys, days out, little treats like cake or ice cream, and I buy some of the groceries, although not all. Also things like presents for other children when we go to their birthday parties.

On top of that I have my own regular expenses:

• contact lenses
• dental appointments and hygienist appointments
• tampons
• toiletries (deodorant, moisturiser, SPF, face wash, body lotion etc.)
• vitamin supplements
• dry cleaning for work clothes
• haircuts and hair colouring because I have a lot of grey hair and work in a professional environment.
• I do also but and wear make up, and not drug store either I'm afraid I do like the department store stuff (I know thats bad given my financial situation and living beyond my means etc. )

I suspect I might have ADHD (so as yet undiagnosed) and I'm aware I'm not naturally good with money. I'm sure that's contributed to some of my debt, so I'm not pretending I've managed everything perfectly.

Recently we've also had unexpected household costs. We had a plumbing issue affecting the flat which cost me £190 to sort out(I thought it was important, he thinks otherwise and the call out was unnecessary ), and our oven broke and had to be replaced, costing him around £500.

Before payday this month he told me he only had around £1,600 left in his current account because of various expenses. He says he's trying to rebuild his savings after the redundancy, so I appreciate he has financial commitments and isn't sitting on endless disposable income.

At the same time, I'm in debt, living in my overdraft and feeling like I'm sinking while trying to cover childcare, my own costs and many of our child's day-to-day expenses.

What I'm struggling with is whether this is simply how it has to be because we're not married, or whether it's reasonable to expect someone earning around £93,000 a year to contribute more towards the costs of the child we have together when I'm earning £1,500 a month and ending up in debt.

Can he reasonably say that my debts are my responsibility and refuse to help financially? Or should we be sharing the costs of raising our child in a way that reflects our very different incomes?

I'm genuinely asking because I don't know if my judgement is being clouded by stress. I feel like I'm spiralling and I can't carry on like this, but equally I don't want to be unfair to him if I'm expecting something unreasonable. I had a health scare recently and thankfully all came back clear and fine - but reading the summary of my consultation with the Dr she said I seemed stressed and tearful though I didn't cry. I don't even remember that, I had my toddler with me so I was listening to what she was saying while caring for him.

Also.i.paynfot the cleaner to come once a week (68 pounds) but I do.all laundry and ironing of clothes and bedding. He does 85% of cooking, but I do the clean up afterwards....

If you've got this far thank you. I don't know how I've fallen so far, when I started maternity leave I had around £8000 in the bank...

The 12k of savings and debt is since the start of maternity, though. So 3 - 4 years which is a bit more per year, but not a huge amount and she wouldn’t have been working for at least some of that, so potentially significantly less income, depending on her maternity benefits. Didn’t want to over state things when 18k a year is plenty to account for.

Don’t be so petty.

The solution doesn’t have to be share all assets either. The guy is in his 50s, nobody in their 50s is highly employable. He has another child & he’ll be thinking about retirement. He’s built up assets, he’s entitled to more control over them than someone he met fairly recently in his life.

While I think it’s wouldn’t be unreasonable for the OP to request more long term security such as a right of residence, I don’t think it fair to expect unlimited access to money he earned while the OP wasn’t even in his life.

Only on mn would people accuse a man who pays all the bills, the mortgage, most of the groceries, to be financially abusive, all because he doesn’t contribute £70 to the childcare and is daring to have therapy while OP’s salary is being frittered on makeup and Botox.

Seriously.

Imagine an OP posting that she pays all the bills, and that her partner has criticised her for having therapy because he can’t afford whatever vacuous shite he wants to pay for instead.

It shouldn’t be a long-term treatment at that frequency.

I think the therapy thing is awful. I spent a lot of money on therapy at one point in my life because things in my life were so bad. It wasn’t a luxury.

It’s not for anyone on this thread to pick his need for therapy apart and treat at like a luxury. He pays for his own therapy while maintaining the Op and their shared child almost completely.

It’s not the fact he’s doing therapy that’s the issue it’s how much.

Exactly.

Frankly if criticism needs levelling it should be towards the OP because all her money is going on self indulgent stuff while she’s up to her eyeballs in debt and living off her overdraft.

That in itself is a red flag in terms of finances. And don’t be sure the bank won’t at some point decide she’s spending to much on overdraft and withdraws it.

The first port of call should be to get shot of the overdraft completely. Then the credit card.

Nobody needs Botox or lip fillers every month or the best makeup money can buy.

If you can’t afford to live then those are the first things to go.

And if people think the finances need to be more equal then the OP needs to start paying half the bills.

If your relationship is serious I think you need to sit down together and sort this out. Therapy every day at £93? Are you sure. Sounds like he is being conned by his therapist. My husband and i have separate accounts and pay for different things but if one of us needs support we discuss it.

How is that your business, my business or anyone else’s, it’s his therapy which he pays with money that he has earned!!

It’s nobody’s business. And if I knew my DH was giving out about my therapy spend while I was funding his life I’d be livid.

I think you quoted me further up the thread and was replying to you. Maybe misunderstanding

Those people screaming financial abuse and that the set-up is unfair, what do you think a fair set-up looks like? Her partner is older and has assets from before they met. He also has a child. Sharing everything isn't appropriate.

For the sake of argument and to keep figures simpler, let's say that the rental property money is equal to child maintenance and other payments for the older child.

That leaves DP with roughly £4500 income a month and OP with £1500. (I've assumed he might be paying reasonable pension contributions due to his age, and also have some student loan).
If they are partners, then should OP have a stake in the house? Clearly DP paid off a lot of it before he met her, so they could have an arrangement whereby OP has a percentage of the property, or the equity built up before they lived together is ringfenced. That seem reasonable? Of course OP will now have to pay her share of the mortgage and household maintenance. And DP will have to pay his share of the child related costs.

There are lots of ways to split this, but let's say we do it in proportion to salary - so DP pays 75% and OP pays 25%. OP currently pays £130 for nursery and some day to day costs for the toddler, and some food. Let's say £170, so she pays £300 in total currently. (incidentally - I don't think anyone has questioned why the nursery cost is going up for a 3 year old - when it often goes down - and why by such a large amount??)

There is no indication as to what DP pays, but let's pick £2500 as sounding like an not unreasonable figure to cover mortgage, bills, household maintenance and the rest of the food bill, on the basis this sounds like an expensive house/area. If anything this may be too low.

So total costs are £2800 - OP therefore would be liable for £700 and DP for £2100. So quite a bit more than she is paying now, but she would be paying for a stake in the house, and DP would be "paying for his child" in a more direct way.

Of course, with even less disposable income, OP will end up even more in debt unless she curtails her spending habits.

Nobody needs Botox or lip fillers every month or the best makeup money can buy.

The OP does not have Botox. Re-read her post.

And she has a perfectly normal amount of makeup.

To be fair that’s not how a lot of couples choose to live. I certainly wouldn’t be sharing all of my assets with a second relationship when I already have a child.

He is covering all of their costs, that helps as they can then keep his assets seperate. OP as far as I can see is not contributing to the family pot at all, apart from a small nursery fee. If they want to make it fair they could put that £130 in the household costs umbrella and then OP could then pay a percentage porportional to her income. I’m pretty sure she’d end up paying more though after his tax and CM is taken out.

I am terrible with money too, so I don’t blame OP for not being more sensible with her money. She’s not here looking for tips on saving costs. But it’s also ridiculous to suggest that all of OPs money should be Hers, but she should also have access to his money.

If it were a woman with assets and she’d had a baby with her bf, I’d think exactly the same. Protect your assets. Share money fairly, and I think their current set up seems fair. I think it’s a privilege to stay part time, and if she needs more money she should consider increasing her hours and then at that point her DP should contribute to childcare costs.

I honestly think people are posting recently just to prove the gender bias of MN

OP have you spoken with your partner about finances? Is he aware of your debt? Does he know what your income is and your outgoings are?

as the childcare is about to rise considerably, now might be a good time to open a conversation about how expenses are split in the household and agree a fair way for you both to contribute and to each have a reasonable amount of free money for fun and luxuries.

It’s OP’s business.

If you were blowing 20k a year on therapy, your DH would be entitled to be peeved.

Like the £20k a year she’s blowing on haircuts and makeup and then some?

When she’s the one actually contributing to the household she can have a say in what he spends, but given she doesn’t actually contribute she doesn’t have a say in what he spends his money on.

She contributes by ensuring care of their joint DC so that her DP can work without thinking about it. Which is a huge contribution to the household. I don't think that means she should expect free access to all of his wealth, but it certainly shouldn't be dismissed out of hand.

Let’s be honest. He’d probably leave her if she didn’t look a certain way too

You're probably right. Men are expected to build a stable future for themselves. Women are expected to look a certain way.

It seems as if looking after yourself if you are a man is saving money and going to therapy. But looking after yourself if you are a woman is appeasing the male gaze.

Exactly.

If OP's partner hadn't been building up savings, though, and instead had ensured OP could spend anything she wants on anything she feels she needs, what would have happened when he'd been made redundant? I think it would have been a lot more disastrous for OP than the current situation.

What strikes me is that you and your partner don’t seem to communicate. Have you actually discussed finances together?

You don’t seem to want to hear it but you do waste a lot of money. And it isn’t about your job. I work as a writer, do some comms and copywriting too, and I shop on Vinted and never dry clean anything. Granted, my niche subject isn’t as sexy as some others and isn’t fashion-related but not once has the clothes I wear been a thing. You need to get out of debt. Talk to your partner and make some economic savings - box dye, dupe make up and stop dry cleaning so much. It’s not forever, just whilst you steady your finances. And talk to your partner so you can both get on the same page. This is so easily fixable.

And an immaculate house with ironing done!