AIBU for thinking my financial situation isn't sustainable and I'm heading for an almighty fall and mental health crisis

[TheHotRock98]

Hello,

I'm afraid I used chat GPT to help write this. I was asking it what I should do and asked it to convert to an AIBU query. This was inspired also by a thread by another MNer a couple of days ago. It frightened me as our situations were a little similar, though she sounds a much better/ more together person than me...

I'm 39 and my partner is 54. We've been together several years, live together in his home (he owns it but still has some to pay), and have a three-year-old together. He also has a 14-year-old daughter from a previous relationship.

We're not married.

I'm really struggling financially and it's affecting both my physical and mental health. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of panic.

My finances are:

• £173 into my overdraft (my limit is £200).
• Around £2,042 on a credit card.
• A loan with about £2,000 left to repay.

I work three days a week and my take-home pay is £1,500 a month.

Our three-year-old goes to nursery for two of the days I work, and my dad looks after him on the third day. I'm with my child on the other two weekdays.

My partner earns around £93,000 a year. He also owns a property abroad which he rents out. I believe the rental income is around €900 a month (I think that's right )

As far as I know, he has savings in both pounds and euros. I think the euro savings are around €70,000 (sorry I don't know if I heard him correctly at the time but it really sounded like he was saying this, could have been €17,000 I suppose, and this was a while ago anyway), although I don't know the exact figure and I have no idea how much he has in his UK savings. He says both have taken a significant hit because he was made redundant previously and that he's trying to build them back up. He's now back in full-time employment and has passed probation.

He pays the mortgage (it's his house), child maintenance of around £600 a month for his older child, plus additional costs for her (school holidays, school trips, etc.).

He also has therapy five times a week at around £95 a session. From what I understand, his therapist takes around two months' holiday each year, so he pays for roughly 10 months of therapy annually.

I don't pay towards the mortgage, but I do pay for childcare for our three-year-old (currently £130 a month, but it's due to increase by around another £200 a month soon).

I also pay for a lot of our toddler's day-to-day costs - clothes, toys, days out, little treats like cake or ice cream, and I buy some of the groceries, although not all. Also things like presents for other children when we go to their birthday parties.

On top of that I have my own regular expenses:

• contact lenses
• dental appointments and hygienist appointments
• tampons
• toiletries (deodorant, moisturiser, SPF, face wash, body lotion etc.)
• vitamin supplements
• dry cleaning for work clothes
• haircuts and hair colouring because I have a lot of grey hair and work in a professional environment.
• I do also but and wear make up, and not drug store either I'm afraid I do like the department store stuff (I know thats bad given my financial situation and living beyond my means etc. )

I suspect I might have ADHD (so as yet undiagnosed) and I'm aware I'm not naturally good with money. I'm sure that's contributed to some of my debt, so I'm not pretending I've managed everything perfectly.

Recently we've also had unexpected household costs. We had a plumbing issue affecting the flat which cost me £190 to sort out(I thought it was important, he thinks otherwise and the call out was unnecessary ), and our oven broke and had to be replaced, costing him around £500.

Before payday this month he told me he only had around £1,600 left in his current account because of various expenses. He says he's trying to rebuild his savings after the redundancy, so I appreciate he has financial commitments and isn't sitting on endless disposable income.

At the same time, I'm in debt, living in my overdraft and feeling like I'm sinking while trying to cover childcare, my own costs and many of our child's day-to-day expenses.

What I'm struggling with is whether this is simply how it has to be because we're not married, or whether it's reasonable to expect someone earning around £93,000 a year to contribute more towards the costs of the child we have together when I'm earning £1,500 a month and ending up in debt.

Can he reasonably say that my debts are my responsibility and refuse to help financially? Or should we be sharing the costs of raising our child in a way that reflects our very different incomes?

I'm genuinely asking because I don't know if my judgement is being clouded by stress. I feel like I'm spiralling and I can't carry on like this, but equally I don't want to be unfair to him if I'm expecting something unreasonable. I had a health scare recently and thankfully all came back clear and fine - but reading the summary of my consultation with the Dr she said I seemed stressed and tearful though I didn't cry. I don't even remember that, I had my toddler with me so I was listening to what she was saying while caring for him.

Also.i.paynfot the cleaner to come once a week (68 pounds) but I do.all laundry and ironing of clothes and bedding. He does 85% of cooking, but I do the clean up afterwards....

If you've got this far thank you. I don't know how I've fallen so far, when I started maternity leave I had around £8000 in the bank...

How is she taking no responsibility for herself? She is working around her child.

She's not just sailing on in her career unimpeded by the reality of their year old, knowing that someone else will take on the slack. Not is she so staggeringly narcissistic that she would spend a third of family income in therapy! On the other side of London. Every day! WTF is actually wrong with people?

And even if they were earning equally and dividing child responsibilities equally, he still has no business being secretive about money. You simply can't carry on like this when your priority is a child you are supposedly raising together.

You spend £3536 a year on a cleaner but only work 3 days a week

ummmm cant fathom why you are skint

That's all very well. where is your money going. You buy toys for your child, clothes. Dry cleaning, tampons. That doesnt cost £1200 a month. You want a champagne lifestyle on tap water money.

No THEY spend that on THEIR cleaner. You know, as two equal parents, running a home for themselves and their child to live in?

She has £1500 a month and her only ‘bill’ is £130 for childcare. He pays for all other living expenses.

He has two children. He has to think of both.

If you split all bills proportionately the OP would be significantly worse off. I think he’s doing more than his fair share

At least you didn’t resort to AI for that one, so well done you.

No she just wants a lifestyle for herself and her child that is in line with her family's income. Which she is 100% entitled to. What's his is hers and vice versa. Their priority is their child, not 'this is mine, this is yours' or "I pay for this, you pay for that,' This is a petty, childish mentality. Who could becbothered with this? It's the child who will need therapy in this controlling, mean-spirited and needlessly secretive set-up. He needs to quit navel gazing in Golders Green and just get over himself, frankly. Start behaving like a decent, normal father and family man.

It can’t be the case that the only model of organising finances in a couple which isn’t financially abusive is putting all money in one pot and each person spending what they want. It makes the term meaningless. If you are the higher earner and already have children completely sharing finances with a new partner this approach deprioritises those children. I actually think that if you have children already you owe it to them to maintain some degree of financial independence from any new partner so that you don’t effectively disinherit them. I would never subsidise a new partner at the expense of my children.

If they did merge finances, OP would probably be worse off because presumably her partner would still be fine to spend on therapy etc and OP’s salary would contribute to bills.

I think it would be sensible for OP and her partner to have a detailed discussion about finances and there might be better ways to arrange them but I don’t think it needs to be framed as abuse from the information we’ve been given.

I’m guessing based on his salary he works fairly long hours? He is then spending around 3 hours or more up to 5 days per week getting to and from/having therapy? That’s one hell of a commitment for the father of a pre-schooler.

Im not saying they should 'split bills proportionately.' They just pool their money and spend reasonably, within their means, as a family. Yes, a step-child is part of the equation but OP knew this when she had a child with him, So he / they pay for his other child and then everything else is shared, in the interests of their family expenses and their child. Not this weird mentality of 'I pay for x and you pay for y.'

I don't think @TheHotRock98 knows how to spend reasonably though, hence the money not being pooled. If she gets through £1000 a month and is still in debt this is quite concerning.

?? I’m baffled?? You specialise in psychoanalysis but you think five sessions a week in psychoanalysis is unethical?

Psychoanalysis is an intensive treatment- four or five sessions a week. That’s what it in fact actually is.

Are you a member of the British Psychoanalytic Society (ie the Institute of Psychoanalysis (IOPA) or the British Psychoanalytical Association (BPA).

These being the only two UK organisations recognised by the International Psychoanalytic Association to train psychoanalysts working with patients intensively four/five times per week.

Assuming not, you most definitely do not “specialise in psychoanalysis”. Training with those institutions takes years of your own personal analysis and is extremely selective to be accepted on to.

Further you are simply wrong that psychoanalysis is only indicated for acute psychotic patients in in patient settings. In fact this is precisely the group of patients with whom analysts would not ordinarily work these days, given that analysis requires a patient to be able to some degree to be psychologically minded and sufficiently in touch with reality to be able to use the analytic relationship to think about themselves.

So he earns £5.3k, maybe a few hundred less after pension contributions, private healthcare tax etc.

He spends £2k on therapy. OP spends £1370 a month (after deducting the childcare) on spending money. That’s not wildly disparate? We don’t know if the therapy is really badly needed, he could be trying to stop a breakdown. He's probably very well aware they can’t survive financially for him to take any kind of break. It’s a lot of pressure financially on him

That sounds hard. But it also sounds like something that you'd have weekly or fortnightly therapy for during a time limited period. Not 5 days a week and definitely not ongoing.

Is it definitely not scientology or something similar? I would be checking out the therapist and their accreditation.

You don't need therapy 5 times a week to handle the 'pressure' of your partner working part-time around your child. That is quite a stretch.

I am in no way suggesting he de-prioritises his older child. That will be a long-standing arrangement he has with her mother. And of course he should not disinherit this child -.he needs to provide fairly for both children, on an ongoing basis and in terms of inheritance.

What I am saying is, there is no justification for financial secrecy within a family unit, married or not, when a child is involved.

OP knew when she met him that he pays £x amount for his older daughter. So that's that. But that's no excuse for her living like the poor relation as the mother of his second child. Just have a mentality of transparency and sharing within a marriage, regardless of who earns what!

People spend money on travel, that's fine. It's not for me but I don't judge them for it nor the amount of money they spend to get their and back. We're all different.

No one is judging what you spend money on other than the whole point of your op is that it’s not financially sustainable and it’s on track to affect your mental health- as per your op!

If you can afford it, then none of your expenses are unreasonable - but you can’t afford it.

We all have to make choices where to cut back when we are overspending. People are just pointing out where you could have slack in your budget if you want to.

It is so totally mad to suggest that he is supporting his first child more than his second. I'm pretty certain that if the mother of his first child was asked whether she'd like to swap the £600 a month for having all bills including housing paid she very much would!

I don’t think he is going to “therapy” five times a week.

or talk to your partner and together prioritise and allocate money for important expenses. I agree about financial transparency being paramount in any relationship.

This is true people spend money on different things… and I’m not judging you for choosing clothes over travel. You said you’re in debt and don’t have enough money…. So that’s why I’m saying you should cut your cloth. Not because you’re wrong to want dry cleaning but because you can’t afford it! You’re not choosing one over the other to remain within your budget you’re blowing your budget.

Your husband should be paying more towards your child but you’re also spending irresponsibly. He also doesn’t need daily therapy. That’s for people who are suffering severe pretty recent trauma or who are inpatient. Even if he had a horrible childhood once a week should be sufficient unless he’s presenting with really severe symptoms.

She isn't the poor relation....I think she mentioned that he pays £600 a month in for his older child.
That wouldn't cover the rent, bills and food that currently covers the OP and their shared child.

OP - I think you’re looking at the issue from the wrong angle. Who the reasonable one is, how you choose to spend your money, your partner’s earnings…what does it matter? You can go round in circles over what’s fair or not but it comes down to one fact, you are unhappy. The one person to whom this should matter most is your partner.

Have you discussed your anxieties with him? Does he know how you feel. Conversely, do you know how he feels? Honestly, I think you have a relationship problem more than a money one.

If I knew how to make a happy relationship I’d be in one so I’m not trying to lecture, just saying you need to talk to him. Hopefully come out of things stronger.

They pay the £600 for his older child and presumably for whatever else she needs when she stays with them and other things. Then, whatever is left after this, is shared - freely accessible and transparent to both. Neither of them should be spending beyond their means in this scenario. You just work it out between you. Surely their priority is their child? In which case, this attitude of 'my money, your money' is just silly.

Are you 100% sure he’s going to a therapist 5x a week? If he is, could he cut it down to 1 or 2 times a week? If he isn’t, where is he going? What is he spending his money on? £68 per week for a cleaner is a luxury you can’t afford. Your partner needs to chip in for child care too.

Its not 18K
Op started off with 8K and is now 4K in debt

What have you spent 30K on @TheHotRock98 ?
Thats 2.5K per month
Nothing you have posted accounts for that much