AIBU for thinking my financial situation isn't sustainable and I'm heading for an almighty fall and mental health crisis

[TheHotRock98]

Hello,

I'm afraid I used chat GPT to help write this. I was asking it what I should do and asked it to convert to an AIBU query. This was inspired also by a thread by another MNer a couple of days ago. It frightened me as our situations were a little similar, though she sounds a much better/ more together person than me...

I'm 39 and my partner is 54. We've been together several years, live together in his home (he owns it but still has some to pay), and have a three-year-old together. He also has a 14-year-old daughter from a previous relationship.

We're not married.

I'm really struggling financially and it's affecting both my physical and mental health. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of panic.

My finances are:

• £173 into my overdraft (my limit is £200).
• Around £2,042 on a credit card.
• A loan with about £2,000 left to repay.

I work three days a week and my take-home pay is £1,500 a month.

Our three-year-old goes to nursery for two of the days I work, and my dad looks after him on the third day. I'm with my child on the other two weekdays.

My partner earns around £93,000 a year. He also owns a property abroad which he rents out. I believe the rental income is around €900 a month (I think that's right )

As far as I know, he has savings in both pounds and euros. I think the euro savings are around €70,000 (sorry I don't know if I heard him correctly at the time but it really sounded like he was saying this, could have been €17,000 I suppose, and this was a while ago anyway), although I don't know the exact figure and I have no idea how much he has in his UK savings. He says both have taken a significant hit because he was made redundant previously and that he's trying to build them back up. He's now back in full-time employment and has passed probation.

He pays the mortgage (it's his house), child maintenance of around £600 a month for his older child, plus additional costs for her (school holidays, school trips, etc.).

He also has therapy five times a week at around £95 a session. From what I understand, his therapist takes around two months' holiday each year, so he pays for roughly 10 months of therapy annually.

I don't pay towards the mortgage, but I do pay for childcare for our three-year-old (currently £130 a month, but it's due to increase by around another £200 a month soon).

I also pay for a lot of our toddler's day-to-day costs - clothes, toys, days out, little treats like cake or ice cream, and I buy some of the groceries, although not all. Also things like presents for other children when we go to their birthday parties.

On top of that I have my own regular expenses:

• contact lenses
• dental appointments and hygienist appointments
• tampons
• toiletries (deodorant, moisturiser, SPF, face wash, body lotion etc.)
• vitamin supplements
• dry cleaning for work clothes
• haircuts and hair colouring because I have a lot of grey hair and work in a professional environment.
• I do also but and wear make up, and not drug store either I'm afraid I do like the department store stuff (I know thats bad given my financial situation and living beyond my means etc. )

I suspect I might have ADHD (so as yet undiagnosed) and I'm aware I'm not naturally good with money. I'm sure that's contributed to some of my debt, so I'm not pretending I've managed everything perfectly.

Recently we've also had unexpected household costs. We had a plumbing issue affecting the flat which cost me £190 to sort out(I thought it was important, he thinks otherwise and the call out was unnecessary ), and our oven broke and had to be replaced, costing him around £500.

Before payday this month he told me he only had around £1,600 left in his current account because of various expenses. He says he's trying to rebuild his savings after the redundancy, so I appreciate he has financial commitments and isn't sitting on endless disposable income.

At the same time, I'm in debt, living in my overdraft and feeling like I'm sinking while trying to cover childcare, my own costs and many of our child's day-to-day expenses.

What I'm struggling with is whether this is simply how it has to be because we're not married, or whether it's reasonable to expect someone earning around £93,000 a year to contribute more towards the costs of the child we have together when I'm earning £1,500 a month and ending up in debt.

Can he reasonably say that my debts are my responsibility and refuse to help financially? Or should we be sharing the costs of raising our child in a way that reflects our very different incomes?

I'm genuinely asking because I don't know if my judgement is being clouded by stress. I feel like I'm spiralling and I can't carry on like this, but equally I don't want to be unfair to him if I'm expecting something unreasonable. I had a health scare recently and thankfully all came back clear and fine - but reading the summary of my consultation with the Dr she said I seemed stressed and tearful though I didn't cry. I don't even remember that, I had my toddler with me so I was listening to what she was saying while caring for him.

Also.i.paynfot the cleaner to come once a week (68 pounds) but I do.all laundry and ironing of clothes and bedding. He does 85% of cooking, but I do the clean up afterwards....

If you've got this far thank you. I don't know how I've fallen so far, when I started maternity leave I had around £8000 in the bank...

No one is dismissing it out of hand, just pointing out that he pays 100% of essential household bills, so he is providing.

It also isn't clear whether OP has ever told hom about her financial difficulties or asked him to e.g. buy clothes/toys or pay thr cleaner etc. He is probably making a (on the face of it reasonable) assumption that as a professional she is easily able to do this as she isn't having to pay for their core costs of living.

@TheHotRock98 if you are bad with money, you may need to set things up so that each month your pay automatically goes into different pots e.g. £500 to spend on yourself - hair, dry cleaning, going out with friends etc. £250 per month in a similar pot for your child. £250 initially to clear off your debt and once that is cleared put that into savings. That leaves you with £500 in your current account for nursery fees and so on (if any of this is left over at the end of the month use it to clear a bit more debt).

Absolutely nobody needs 5 times a week therapy long term. He is either having you on, or is being exploited by his therapist

I think OP could cut back a bit and pay off her debt. It’s not tens of thousands of pounds we’re about here. The cleaner should go unless she increases her income.

traditional analysis is done multiple times per week. There are psychoanalytically trained therapists who do not practice this way. Among other things it’s a very niche market. I don’t see it as impossible but I also don’t see it as necessary (my best friend is a psychologist and therapist).

I do think her DP should be contributing more to their child. it’s not just nursery fees but the fact that OP seems to be paying the vast majority of the child’s expenses. I’m not discounting the value of him paying the bills, but there’s a not very subtle message being sent here.

I would also tell OP to return to full time, but really her DP would have to start contributing to childcare in that case. I’ll also point out that having a partner only working three days benefits him in non-financial ways. If she increases her work that will mean doing without her unpaid labour. Neither choice is inherently better but it needs to be accounted for.

He’s adding to savings while you’re hitting your overdraft, let him piss off, unless he is saving for retirement and is planning on sharing it 50/50 as he’ll be finished working long before you.
He needs to add more to the family pot.
Your child will be entitled to half when he dies.
You could even be better off living without him as you’d receive benefits.

Is that true, that you’d be better off on benefits than having all household bills covered and £1.5k a month to spend?

Lots of things going on here, and the most straightforward issue is that you can't afford to dry clean work clothes and have lots of expensive hair treatments to look the ppart in a low paid job. More so when you have debts to repay.
The question of who pays what in your partnership is a different one. You need to have a proper talk about it and work something out together that feels fair to both of you.

while OP’s salary is being frittered on makeup and Botox.

I've never had Botox in my life (or filler, etc.). I have a facial perhaps once every two years, usually in the winter, and the only makeup I buy is primer, foundation (used sparingly because I don't need much), tubing mascara and Rose Vaseline. That's it.

Read the damn thread.

I don't mind peeple having a go at me for the things I have done , but I'm not having people have a go at me for the things I haven't done.

I don't go on lavish holidays to exotic places ever, nor do I own or buy designer handbags.

Shoes though, they are worth investing in, and if you didn't already know that, I can't help you.

Currently I'm in denim shorts and a white t-shirt to work. For the two days I'm in the office this week, I'll be wearing a white cotton Zara dress I bought in 2015 (also seen on billionaire Akshata Murty, so I suppose that means I shouldn't wear it because I'm "just a copywriter" and haven't reached her level of wealth or status. Apparently clothes now have a minimum income requirement, even for ones bought over a decade ago).

Nail me to the cross, FFS.

It doesn’t seem likely. There is a huge bias/group think on MN when it comes to men who are higher earners.

So before having a child what assets had you accumulated? Did you own a house? Have savings? Or is it now that because you had a child you simply expected to be gifted half of someone else’s? You’re not paying any living costs so you’re not that hard done by - you’re simply overspending on stuff

Well all of that sounds fair and great but you've ended having spent all your savings, going into debt and stressed about it while paying almost no essential bills, so I'm not sure that saying every penny you spend is reasonable is the most fruitful approach.

Clothes and fashion and the way you look seem to be a massive deal for you, I can tell by the level of detail you are posting about labels, what you intend to wear this week, what you’re wearing now etc. and that is absolutely fine.

My guess is your DP knows you like some of the finer things in life so keeps you on a tight leash financially, whilst he covers pretty much all your major outgoings. You pay for childcare and all your personal bits.

He won’t see you struggle so I think you just need to settle in to the situation you’ve found yourself in. Either reign in your spending and clear your debt yourself. Or ask him to settle your debt and just accept you spend way beyond your means. Or carry on as you are and realise you are pretty fortunate as you don’t pay a single bill (aside from the piddly nursery one).

Don’t wail about your financial situation whilst you are obviously over spending.

Not to mention a house in South London they are freely distributed I’m told amongst the middle class 🙄

Nobody needs Botox or lip fillers every month or the best makeup money can buy.

Can people please stop misrepresenting me and lying about me having Botox (literal poison injected into your face) and Filler. This isn't me, I like my face well enough and it doesn't need interfering with. I look like my mum who is beautiful and I'm fine with that....

War and Peace here and not a mention of your partner's excessive therapy which has been questioned by almost every poster.

You don't need to give his medical history but have you never questioned the sheer amount of therapy he is having?

Was it always this much therapy? Quite frankly this would have been a massive red flag to me.

Clothes and fashion and the way you look seem to be a massive deal for you, I can tell by the level of detail you are posting about labels, what you intend to wear this week, what you’re wearing now etc. and that is absolutely fine.

My point is I buy clothes, look after them nicely and they last a long time. I don't like fast fashion. I buy things that last.

Buy cheap buy twice.

I think somebody’s pulling our leg as my Nan would say

She doesn’t blow 20k on makeup.

i don’t understand why people keep telling her to do something about the therapy. It’s nothing to do with her and she clearly can’t stop him spending the money

OP the stuff about your clothes is bloody bizarre but the reality is you don’t earn anything like enough. Your partner doesn’t want to give you money. That’s all there is to it, you can’t force him, and as much as it would be better if he did contribute none of us can force him either

but the reality is even if you didn’t have a child you wouldn’t be able to pay for housing and basics with £1.5k a month. You’ve chosen a relationship with someone who pays for bills etc but never offered to give you cash.

ive actually been where you are in my 20s- moved into my exs house. 20 years on, as a now high earner and the breadwinner, I can see that the uncertainty and discomfort of having a partner house you stifled my ambition, my work and therefore my salary. I didn’t know where I was really - no real incentive to earn but also couldn’t afford a lifestyle. It was really stressful and confusing.

i think the best thing would be to leave the relationship and start again. You’ll never get off this train, and it’ll be harder the older you get to raise a mortgage etc. your partner won’t look after you.

What is that supposed to mean? My DP is lying about his therapy, or I'm lying about his therapy?

Why would I lie about? Moreover, I know he's definitely not lying about it. I know the friend, a therapist herself, who recommended the guy. I remember when he went from three "regular" sessions a week and into analysis. That was around three years ago...

£4K isn’t “up to one’s eyeballs” in debt. It’s a poor pattern to get into, especially on only £1500 a month, but it’s a sum that could be easily dealt with if she set her mind to it.

one thing to know is that many traditional analysts believe that intense analysis needs to be lifelong. This is a major issue with it and is a reason even some psychoanalysts oppose the
method. Some think it’s unethical. It’s certainly a money maker for the analyst. He is not likely to get support from his analyst in switching to less intensive therapy, even though it might be equally helpful.

3 years??! That psychoanalyst is taking the piss.

I’d be wary of the analysis method, 3 years is not uncommon but then 10 years or even lifelong isn’t uncommon. It’s his choice not yours but it’s a big financial and time outlay that potentially will never end. I’m not sure I’d want to stay in a relationship with someone so dependent on any form of therapy.

If you were being hit with all the bills because of it or paying for it, I’d understand more. But you’re not.

You’ve in a small amount of debt. It’s not a huge crisis that can’t be solved.

OP you are an over spender, and I say this as a fellow over spender learning (slowly) to reign it in! I have toddler twins, work 3 days a week and do all my own cleaning, washing and ironing. Cut out the cleaner and dry cleaning. Also buy kids clothes and toys, home wares etc second hand. Less expensive makeup. Less hair appointments. I just dont think you can afford your life style. I found having to cut down / change my spending habits the hardest part of becoming a mother but has to be done...by you and your partner too.

OP have you discussed your financial woes with him? Is he willing to decrease the analysis, now that it’s been 3 years…?
Surely he wouldn’t want you to be in debt, have you discussed sharing a joint account?