AIBU for thinking my financial situation isn't sustainable and I'm heading for an almighty fall and mental health crisis

[TheHotRock98]

Hello,

I'm afraid I used chat GPT to help write this. I was asking it what I should do and asked it to convert to an AIBU query. This was inspired also by a thread by another MNer a couple of days ago. It frightened me as our situations were a little similar, though she sounds a much better/ more together person than me...

I'm 39 and my partner is 54. We've been together several years, live together in his home (he owns it but still has some to pay), and have a three-year-old together. He also has a 14-year-old daughter from a previous relationship.

We're not married.

I'm really struggling financially and it's affecting both my physical and mental health. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of panic.

My finances are:

• £173 into my overdraft (my limit is £200).
• Around £2,042 on a credit card.
• A loan with about £2,000 left to repay.

I work three days a week and my take-home pay is £1,500 a month.

Our three-year-old goes to nursery for two of the days I work, and my dad looks after him on the third day. I'm with my child on the other two weekdays.

My partner earns around £93,000 a year. He also owns a property abroad which he rents out. I believe the rental income is around €900 a month (I think that's right )

As far as I know, he has savings in both pounds and euros. I think the euro savings are around €70,000 (sorry I don't know if I heard him correctly at the time but it really sounded like he was saying this, could have been €17,000 I suppose, and this was a while ago anyway), although I don't know the exact figure and I have no idea how much he has in his UK savings. He says both have taken a significant hit because he was made redundant previously and that he's trying to build them back up. He's now back in full-time employment and has passed probation.

He pays the mortgage (it's his house), child maintenance of around £600 a month for his older child, plus additional costs for her (school holidays, school trips, etc.).

He also has therapy five times a week at around £95 a session. From what I understand, his therapist takes around two months' holiday each year, so he pays for roughly 10 months of therapy annually.

I don't pay towards the mortgage, but I do pay for childcare for our three-year-old (currently £130 a month, but it's due to increase by around another £200 a month soon).

I also pay for a lot of our toddler's day-to-day costs - clothes, toys, days out, little treats like cake or ice cream, and I buy some of the groceries, although not all. Also things like presents for other children when we go to their birthday parties.

On top of that I have my own regular expenses:

• contact lenses
• dental appointments and hygienist appointments
• tampons
• toiletries (deodorant, moisturiser, SPF, face wash, body lotion etc.)
• vitamin supplements
• dry cleaning for work clothes
• haircuts and hair colouring because I have a lot of grey hair and work in a professional environment.
• I do also but and wear make up, and not drug store either I'm afraid I do like the department store stuff (I know thats bad given my financial situation and living beyond my means etc. )

I suspect I might have ADHD (so as yet undiagnosed) and I'm aware I'm not naturally good with money. I'm sure that's contributed to some of my debt, so I'm not pretending I've managed everything perfectly.

Recently we've also had unexpected household costs. We had a plumbing issue affecting the flat which cost me £190 to sort out(I thought it was important, he thinks otherwise and the call out was unnecessary ), and our oven broke and had to be replaced, costing him around £500.

Before payday this month he told me he only had around £1,600 left in his current account because of various expenses. He says he's trying to rebuild his savings after the redundancy, so I appreciate he has financial commitments and isn't sitting on endless disposable income.

At the same time, I'm in debt, living in my overdraft and feeling like I'm sinking while trying to cover childcare, my own costs and many of our child's day-to-day expenses.

What I'm struggling with is whether this is simply how it has to be because we're not married, or whether it's reasonable to expect someone earning around £93,000 a year to contribute more towards the costs of the child we have together when I'm earning £1,500 a month and ending up in debt.

Can he reasonably say that my debts are my responsibility and refuse to help financially? Or should we be sharing the costs of raising our child in a way that reflects our very different incomes?

I'm genuinely asking because I don't know if my judgement is being clouded by stress. I feel like I'm spiralling and I can't carry on like this, but equally I don't want to be unfair to him if I'm expecting something unreasonable. I had a health scare recently and thankfully all came back clear and fine - but reading the summary of my consultation with the Dr she said I seemed stressed and tearful though I didn't cry. I don't even remember that, I had my toddler with me so I was listening to what she was saying while caring for him.

Also.i.paynfot the cleaner to come once a week (68 pounds) but I do.all laundry and ironing of clothes and bedding. He does 85% of cooking, but I do the clean up afterwards....

If you've got this far thank you. I don't know how I've fallen so far, when I started maternity leave I had around £8000 in the bank...

The bottom line is your justification of the dry cleaning, and the cleaner etc mean that you don't want to do anything about your financial position, so I don't know why you've posted.

No. I sympathise with the rest but you do not need to dry clean work clothes. Buy washable items. It’s a crazy luxury when already in debt

I agree with this. The Op and DP are both at different life stages and have different earnings. Would people honestly say if OP were a man that the fact that they have a baby together means that the man’s Dp should automatically share all of the assets she has spent a lifetime working for. DP also has his first child to think of.

DP has a moral obligation to provide for his children which he seems to be doing as far as I can tell.

Why is OP being asked to justify her spending? Why all this nonsense about some coat or haircut or this and that, or details about where people may or may shop? Or what multivitamins they take fgs!

THE POINT IS, SHE IS THE MOTHER OF HIS CHILD.

THE "MY MONEY, YOUR MONEY" SHIP SAILED WHEN THEY HAD A CHILD AND BECAME A FAMILY UNIT.

If they can't afford something AS A FAMILY, then yes, you cut your cloth accordingly.

But you don't have financial secrecy between a couple when you have a child to prioritise.

You don't have one person with more disposable income than the other. That's not a family. And it's a terrible model for a child to grow up in.

I apologise OP for skim reading your posts. I Knew my opinion from the first post & understand it won't be everyone's view of family life.

There is absolutely no way I would have a child with a man who didn't consider marriage as part of the equation. After having the child, including marriage & becoming a family of three, I would expect my DH to consider his money was my money & vice versa. Regarding my DH earning more it wouldn't make a difference. I would expect him to agree to me paying towards our family according to my earnings.

Marriage along with financial secrets & a what's mine is mine & what's yours is yours attitude is not everyone's idea of family life.

My DH & I live according to what's mine is yours & what's yours is mine. We have been happily married for many years with young grown-up children & it has always worked for us. I would have a serious chat with him OP. It all seems very unfair & lacking in collaborative domestic & financial family values.

Edited to add I omitted to mention the other child. Your partner is responsible for payments as agreed. This doesn't change my opinion of your own situation within the relationship he has with you. The fact is you are living as a family unit with this man which obviously includes his other child.

The point is you're in debt and thinking your financial situation isn't sustainable - and you're right. So stop making up excuses to spend stuff that isn't in your budget.

(Though you may well be able to afford dry cleaning if you cut back else where. You seem to have a fair bit of disposable income.)

You sound rather precocious. You are also trying to live a champagne lifestyle on pocket money. It’s not possible. You need to drop your standards, get out of debt and start again. You also need to speak to your partner and explain what you’ve told us. Maybe he will help. If not then maybe time to find someone else to keep you in the manner you are accustomed to

If he wasn't prepared to have shared finances like a normal family, he should never have had a child with OP in the first place.

Was he also financially abusive towards his first wife?

What on earth are you talking about?

They both sound a bit fucjed up in my opinion but I’m from a very different background so may be unfair of me to judge .

What do you mean? I’m talking about the subject the OP is asking us about.

If this thread is representative of women's expectations of their husbands in 2026, I despair.

OP isn’t married, so a woman’s expectations of her husband are irrelevant.

As my user name suggests, I’m a therapist and specialise in psychoanalysis. It would be deeply unethical to work with a client daily on a long term basis. That sort of intensive work is only really suitable for acute psychiatric presentations. If that is really where he’s going every day, he needs to stop and report the therapist to the governing body - assuming they are a member of one.

Have you looked at what you would be entitled to if you were to go it alone? Have a look at entitled-to.com. I suspect you’d probably be better off if you weren’t with him. He obviously has no intention of sharing his resources with you in any meaningful way. And legally your relationship is no more significant than a house guest.

Why are you quoting me?

Yes I take the point they aren't married. But they have a child and live as a family. So any earnings are family money. I don't care who earns what. It is totally unacceptable to have one person who can afford more than the other. Or to have financial secrecy. On what planet is this ok?

Probably because you just quoted her comment, fairly obvious, no?

Planet MN, clearly.

Well why are women being conditioned to think this is somehow ok? I can't believe some of the replies OP has had, telling OP she's onto a good thing. It's appalling.

Really? Have a child and get everything paid for, take no responsibility for yourself, forever? Even when he has a child from another relationship he probably want to build savings and assets for?

I don't think thats a therapist he's seeing 5 x a week (unless it's a sex therapist also known by another profession)

Have an honest conversation with your DP about finances and your situation.
Consider if things like the cleaner are essential spending when you are in debt.
Protect yourself and your DC at all costs.

£500 a week on therapy unless he was raped by both parents for 18 years he does not need this and no respecting therapist would do this

only you only work 3 days - cant imagine why you are skint ????

he has 70k savings

is this a joke
what exactly is your problem??

I admire you for making a big effort on how you look, I really do need to do more for myself. BUT when I earned less and my children were younger I was very careful with money. You are spending a huge amount on yourself (compared to what you earn) so the lessons for your son, fancy clothes or toys for him need to be stopped. Or you spend less on yourself.

I think you need to sit down with your partner and write out exactly what all the essential costs are, this includes childcare and child expenses. These should be paid for from a shared account and the money going into that account should be contributed proportional to your incomes. The end result should be that all costs are paid and you have the same amount of disposable income each. You need to agree with each other what classifies as an essential cost and what is an optional extra.