Can’t quite believe wedding last night

[annoyedatlandlord]

Edited by MNHQ (at request of the OP).

Still reeling from a wedding last night and just need to talk about it.

The grrom and his fiancée threw a traditional wedding in a beautiful location, said their vows in front of all their family and friends, very moving movement.

At the wedding breakfast they sat at their own top table alone and the “groom” stood up announce to the room they had prepared a video for everyone, which had a little surprise in it.

Video starts with photos of their first date, memories from getting together, meeting each other’s families, getting engaged. Next set of photos is the “bride and groom” dressed up at a pretty location - I thought oh lovely they decided to have some professional photos done at some point.

Next photo is them at an alter, then her throwing a bouquet. Text comes on the screen saying they actually got married 2 years ago…surprise!

Stunned silence in the room while everyone processed this. One of each of their friends had attended but other than that they’d kept the secret for 2 years…even from their parents.

Groom's parents paid for this “wedding” we were all at and gave them lots of practical help in the run up. I felt awful for them - they put on a brave face and obviously didn’t want to make a scene but I can’t help but think they must be very hurt?

I have never known anything like this at a wedding before. Thoughts?!

Wow when I thought weddings couldn't get more mental 🫣

Had the parents been pestering them to have a big showy wedding that the couple didn't want, so they got married the way they wanted but the parents continued to grind them down to the extent that they snapped and said 'OK, you have the party if it will shut you up, but you pay for it and you organise it'?

Yeah, not good at all to get all that money towards it from the parents under false pretences.

Even the guests will have spent quite a lot of money attending/wedding gifts, plus it seems like it was a weekday wedding so they may well have put in leave for it. I would be happy to do that for friends who'd already officially married but were having a celebration, so long as they were honest about it I wouldn't care. But I don't like being lied to.

I am a very private person, I don't like to share too much about my life. But I also then wouldn't pretend to people and lie that we were having a wedding. I would invite people to celebrate with us after having been married two years before.

The parents didn’t know the couple were married either so this scenario doesn’t work.

I wouldn't be offended as a guest but as a parent, I would be heartbroken that they had kept something so important from us.

Ah yeah, what im saying is that yes, you still get the drama/pressure, but having had the real day already you can deal with the drama/pressure without it spoiling your enjoyment of your actual wedding day, so to my mind that would make it a lot less stressful! Doesnt matter if your mum tells you that she wishes you'd gone for the dress SHE liked on the day, if you wore the dress you loved on your actual day and felt gorgeous and didnt have to hear her comments. Would in theory bother you less as you can just go 'who cares, this isnt the real day' If that makes sense!

I’m keeping an engagement almost entirely a secret. We will tell people after the legal ceremony in a registry office in a few weeks. The only people that know are PILs (as they will be our witnesses) and a handful of friends. We have framed it as an “engagement” rather than a wedding/marriage because we view it as such, and want to enjoy a period of being engaged before throwing a party at some point.

Reasons:
-It’s an expedited process due to me being an expat on a visa while DP is a citizen. It makes sense to get legally married so that I have security in the country we call home. It’s not a “romantic” decision as such, however we were planning to get married in the next couple of years anyway. We just brought it forward.

-I am generally a very private person and have never been one to go around sharing news, good or otherwise.

-I don’t want any interference / opinions from people in my life who are wont to share their opinion or give unsolicited “advice”. I know what I’m doing and my mind is made up.

I’m sure the couple in the OP had their reasons too.

It's by no means a rule but...

I think some people with expendable income would shrug this off as it doesn't make a notable dink in their budget. They won't have to sacrifice something else in order to fund attendance.

Think those who have to allocate more carefully and sparingly would prefer to know what the deal is first.

This pair have shown disrespect for other people's priorities. Perhaps not even intentionally...but they should have thought about that before their tasteless reveal. Too full of themselves to care.

I could understand the parents and maybe their siblings being annoyed but when I go to a wedding I’m going for the reception anyway so that’s fine, and no it’s not because I want to get p1ssed, I hardly even drink.

This is so weird. I already think England should allow the same as Scotland so that it is the person performing the ceremony that is licenced rather than the venue. That way you can get married literally anywhere and have a legal ceremony.

I've been to many friend's weddings in England where they've done the legal bit a few days before but then have a friend perform the wedding and it has been lovely, but we all know this is what has happened.

A surprise two years later just feels deceitful.

What a waste of money and everyone’s time.

But then presumably you wont be showing everyone a video 2 years later of what they missed out on? and then taking their pile of wedding gifts home the same day....

Even if so, that's still off because that's not the deal they got.

If you've done this, it seems completely unhinged to tell everyone in the end. If you've already kept it secret for 2 years, then what on earth is the point of revealing it. They should have either told people earlier or never told people.

When we throw a party in a couple of years’ time, I expect that we would get gifts. We will not go out of our way to tell all our guests ahead of the party that we actually got married 2 years ago. (But we also wouldn’t ‘announce’ it as a ‘surprise’.)

Wow, they basically lied to everyone to have a free party.
Of course I would be furious.
Utter selfishness.

So you are private enough not to tell anyone you got married but not private enough to throw a party and expect gifts from people?

seems a bit incongruous

They want to have their (wedding) cake and eat it!

You said you needed to talk about it @annoyedatlandlord , which is understandable. What did you think at the time, and what do you think now having read the opinions of others? What does your DH think of it all? Are you close to them?

We call that a gift grab where I am. You don't have to like that. Tough.

If you're too private to tell people you got married, you're too private to be having a big party years later and expecting gifts.

Doesnt this thinking imply that you buy a wedding present in exchange for you seeing someone get married at a wedding day you attend, as opposed to buying them a gift to congratulate them on them starting a married life together though?

There’s a world of difference between throwing a party to celebrate milestones (you should see my birthday parties!) in your own time and on your own terms with your loved ones, and proactively and unnecessarily sharing personal information about your relationship and immigration status.

To me this feels like total attention seeking behaviour. If the couple truly wanted a private, low key marriage for logistical, legal, or personal reasons, they would have had their quiet ceremony and simply told people afterward. Holding a wedding two years later and planning a dramatic reveal at the event proves that the goal was never privacy. It was about orchestrating a shocking, theatrical moment where they are the absolute center of attention, prioritizing shock value over the feelings of everyone else.

Some people do keep secrets just to enjoy the reaction the secrets generates when they spring it on you. It is also a gift grab.

See my point above around privacy.

And by ‘expect’ I don’t mean I would want everyone to give gifts and be upset if they didn’t. I couldn’t care less. I just mean it would not be unusual to receive gifts when throwing a party of this nature.

I don’t think anyone gets to decide the criteria for when one can throw a party. You can throw a party for any reason at any time. DP is currently doing a second Masters in his 30s. To some, it’s no big deal, but we will be throwing a huge graduation party next year to celebrate. We want to celebrate (his third graduation, our wedding 2 years after the fact, etc.) and so we will. 😊

It doesn't matter that they're centre of attention - it's their wedding - but the plan to shock, as you say, is horrid.

What sort of a reaction did they want? Was everyone supposed to say how wonderful they were? Why would that be admirable?