Weird friend of wider family member stalked my email and tried to tell me off

[Justfortodaysnonfun]

Had the weirdest thing happen and just wondered if I’m a nutcase magnet or if people are just lunatics these days.

We are going through a tough time. My husband’s mum died and we had her funeral a month ago. I do not get on with his sister so have not seen her for a number of years as we live quite far away. At the funeral I was helping my FIL as his mobility is bad.

This woman came up to me and asked if I were Sally, his carer. I said no, I’m his son’s wife and she shrank away like I’d sprayed her with bleach. Later I was sat down with someone and she went to join them, saw me and pointedly moved her chair so she was not sat next to me. I didn’t know many people there, it was already uncomfortable due to estrangement from SIL, so to be treated like a leper by a stranger was very jarring.

I later find out this person is friends with my husbands sister and they aren’t close at the moment, and she’s seemingly trying to reestablish their friendship. Whatever, but understandably I’m not keen to see this person again.

Fast forward to now and my husbands father has been ill in hospital, and had a serious life threatening operation. He’s a very popular sort that everyone loves. It was so serious that my children took the day off school to see him before and we drove several hours to do so.

When we arrived at the hospital, this woman was there. She knew we were coming and could have easily left, but instead chose to get up and stand in front of me to apologise for mistaking me for a carer. I quite rightly said, I don’t care about that, why would I? She said she was embarrassed and I told her straight that this was not what happened, she treated me like a leper and it was very upsetting. She started talking about her friendship group and her not liking one of my SIL friends and I felt like I was transported back 35 years. This woman is over 50! I told her I did not care, she made a very difficult day harder and basically I just wanted her to go away. I know why she shrank away, she’s desperate to be in SIL good books and talking nicely to me would not help her cause. I was not friendly, but then why would I be? She truly upset me on a very tough day where I was very much alone (husband busy hosting, as he should).

She then kissed my FIL, told him she loved him and left. Weird, but good riddance. Hopefully I’ll never see her again.

At the weekend I opened my work emails to find this woman had stalked me to my place of work, where she decided to tell me off for being frosty to her and talking down to her. With a mild threatening warning to not speak to her like that again. This woman I do not know, who has placed herself deliberately in front of me twice. Now she is invading my work, my home life all at a time when we are really struggling. My husband has been away with his family on and off for 8 weeks and it’s really hard.

Why on earth would someone do this? She’s clearly mental as her email said things like ‘why did you speak to me like that when you should have been focusing on your FIL’. Well, you were standing in-between us you moron.

I cannot fathom a situation where I would do something like this. None. What is wrong with people?

I do not agree with everything here, but most. I would never involve my FIL, he has enough to deal with. My SIL is no picnic and she attracts a lot of weirdos.

I was incredibly distressed. I knew a few people but not enough to be with them all the time, and I didn’t want to burden anyone as it was very clear there was a divide between me and SIL. I wouldn’t want to make anyone choose, and at the end of the day it was her mother’s funeral. It was not about me. I was happy to park everything so they had the nicest day they could.

Thank you for your considerate post. I appreciate it.

But there you go again with the inflated language — abhorrent’? Really? She just seems socially clumsy to me, and inclined (like you!) to dwell on things most people wouldn’t give a second thought to.

I doubt she thought moving her chair at a wake was going to ‘make you feel like a leper’ or had any conscious intention of hurting your feelings. To an outsider, it seems perfectly possible she moved her chair out of embarrassment she’d misidentified you, which is why, ages later, she was still insistent, rather clumsily, on apologising when you wanted to get to your FIL’s bedside, because it was weighing on her mind, just like it was still weighing on yours. You were ungracious about it in not accepting the apology and insisting that she’d ’treated you like a leper’. That goes on weighing on her mind, hence the email. Someone else who can’t let something go!

Whatever happened at your mils funeral or your fils bedside, sane people do not furtle about uncovering peoples work emails and then contact them that way without invitation.

The only way to deescalate drama is to meet it with total, rational calm, which means either just blocking her and forgetting it or replying and saying 'OK Sue. Please don't contact me at work though.' and then blocking her and forgetting it.

It sounds like you are having a horrid time and it would be easy to funnel all the emotions from that into this situation but try very hard not to as this woman is clearly a touch paper for a huge explosion of drama you could really do without.

There are lots and lots of loonies. DM, who is in her 80s, for a dick pic from a neighbour a couple of years ago. The woman next to that man is incredibly odd - she puts letters of complaint full of swear words through DM’s door about things like the sparrows
in DM’s garden waking her up. On man on the other side of DM has a camera in every room of the house and is trying to claim some of DM’s land is his (she has checked the deeds). She also ended up having to have independent mediation with this guy a
few years ago because he was trying to make life a misery. Most of the people in the road are a little bonkers - these are just the 3 nearest neighbours.

There is so much toxicity in not sharing on purpose, that lead me to make these conclusions. Not with this person, but with the people around. It’s a bit like a shark pool.

I use emotional language. People who know me apply the filter, it’s fine. But please let me be clear. I said nothing to this person at the funeral. At the hospital I said exactly that 1. Being misidentified did not bother me. 2. That she had reacted badly when I told her who I was, and I found her very rude.

I did not mention lepers, I just said - after she told me she was upset because my SIL’s friend doesn’t like her, that I did not think that was relevant and that she had upset me with the way she treated me.

If that were me, I would be able to apologise in a sincere way and not start talking about what sounds like a teenager falling out with her mate. My SIL has had about 100 friends like this in the time I’ve known her, she has odd friendships that are intense and then catch fire. It’s weird, but not my business. Certainly was not something I wanted to hear about in that moment.

Oh dear lord, poor woman.

OP I suspect your DHs family may have narcissistic traits and may attract similar people. My senses are prickled and I think it might be worth you looking up Dr Ramani and watching some of her videos.

This is pretty classic. Treat someone badly and then when they react, blame them and twist the narrative to be that they have done wrong. To email you at work was utterly unhinged. You held a boundary. They don’t like that. Ever.

Your absolute best option if you feel this fits is grey rock communication. Don’t explain or defend yourself and give very boring answers. You will never get a genuine apology. Ever. They can do no wrong.

Spend an hour looking into it to see. Once you have the ‘narcissistic traits glasses’ on, you’ll see it more quickly.

Thank you: you hit the nail on the head. I’ve been grey rock for many years and the funeral was awash with (mostly unwitting) flying monkeys. Vulnerable narcissists are the best at painting their victims as the aggressors, especially if you don’t defend yourself. I know that to certain rooms of people I’m the worst person in the world.

Nothing wrong with you OP she sounds a bit paranoid. I would ignore her because she is trying to get your attention again and will probably keep on moaning trying to make a worrying situation with your FIL all about her. Hope he is feeling better now.

It sounds as if this woman was embarrassed that she thought you were your FIL's carer, and over thought the situation. She moved her chair away from you, to the other side of the person you were talking too, because she was embarrassed and didn't know how to handle the situation. You've taken this behaviour, because she's someone your SIL knows, as a snub towards you, due to the fact that you and your SIL don't get on.

I'm not sure this woman apparently subbing you, had anything at all to do with your SIL. It was done, because she was embarrassed and didn't have the skills to get herself out of the situation. Most people would have just apologised, even if it had been later on during the day.

This woman then did apologise, but you'd decided that her behaviour is down to being friends with your SIL. However, trying to apologise whilst your FIL lay in hospital seriously unwell, wasn't the right time or place for that apology. I suspect this woman doesn't perhaps have a lot of social awareness and possibly finds people daunting.

The contacting you via your work email address, is completely out of order, and shows this woman's complete lack of social awareness.

I would block the email address, and move on. What's done is done.

Sorry you've been through such a difficult time OP, I'm glad your FIL appears to be on the mend.

Up until the email, I would probably have said that this woman is just socially awkward. She made some wrong steps in trying to talk to you at the hospital when all you wanted to do was see your FIL and you reacted in the moment because you were stressed and upset. But the looking you up and emailing you is more than just social awkwardness, it's borderline obsessive and unhinged. I wouldn't reply and I would block her email so she can't contact you again. Hopefully that will be the end of it. If she attempts to contact you again, I'd speak to the police about stalking and harassment.

There’s a lack of empathy from PP’s on this thread. A weird woman inserted herself twice in very difficult circumstances and has now stalked you. You are not in any way in the wrong or need to apologise. Even if you were rude who cares. Sometimes I think people focus more on being polite than being reasonable or respectful. Honestly, just do what is best for you OP and report to HR and block. This woman is weird and in the wrong.

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. Funerals are difficult enough without grief vultures and flying monkeys.

I would respond to the email: 'You have sought out my work email and contacted me unsolicited in my place of work. Please remove my details from your system and do not contact me again or I will call the police and report the harassment.'

I would then try and ignore/ steer clear of this woman going forward.

We've had a few people try to insert themselves in a close family bereavement we had last winter and it was so uncomfortable. The final straw was getting elbowed out the way as I went to take my seat in the service and I got very snappy because I was already feeling devastated and just couldn't handle rude people on top, who by all accounts were only acquaintances of our relative. I think sometimes people are so bored with their own lives, they feel the need to insert themselves into everyone else's.

I hope FIL recovers well and you never see this woman again.

She's a nobody. My suggestion would be to block her, delete the email and get on with your life.

Did you hurt yourself when you stretched like that?

That's a bit of a reach! This woman is insignificant in OP's life. She isn't a family member or a friend. All of her interactions with OP have been odd and the last one has been confrontational.

OP should just ignore and block her.

What the hell is wrong with you?! OP is trying to support her husband through the death of his mother, her children through the death of their grandmother, and now on top of that her FIL is seriously ill too… and you want her to make it all about some crackpot woman who’s using the situation to get back on side with SIL?!

This is absolutely deranged.

you were downright rude and ungracious.

Oh good heavens, no - not “ungracious”!! Heaven forfend! Quick, pass the smelling salts; I feel quite faint!

This nut job woman is damn lucky she didn’t get an ungracious kick in the bracket.

Ah. Sorry. It’s hard living in the orbit of these behavioural patterns. Like being at a really shit version of the mad hatters tea party and only those who understand these patterns can really understand.

Block her email and don’t give her another thought. She isn’t someone you need to see so that’s good.

File a stalking report. Use a timeline to show her escalation. They won't do anything but at least there will be a record. Then use all the tools to block her.

Mumsnet is not always the best place when you’re feeling vulnerable and unsure, so I’m very grateful for all the kind and helpful responses today. Thank you 🙏

Does anyone else here pity the poor ailing FIL who had to listen to two hysterical women fight beside his hospital bed?

@Justfortodaysnonfun don't forget that 1) there's a number of people on Mumsnet who post to be unpleasant and 2) there's also a number of people on Mumsnet who come under the heading 'nowt so queer as folk'.

You don't have to justify yourself to anyone - just read the helpful replies and filter out the oddbods and contrary sorts.

In your shoes I'd have been very upset with this woman who has behaved with jaw-dropping rudeness, then overfamiliarity and then stalkerish behaviour.

Not what you need at a sad and difficult time.

I hope you can ride over the nonsense with her and on here, and that you and your husband come through this time. Grief and loss is strange, people are raw-er than usual and bizarre behaviour can get to us in a way that normally we'd brush off with no more than irritation.

Take care of yourself and your husband

Could she be an ex mistress? Of FIL's?

Sorry if I'm barking up the wrong tree here.

Christ, will you just leave her alone - you're boring everyone.