Dad upset that I want both parents to walk me down the aisle

[wasnot]

Dad is upset that I am asking both my parents to walk me down the aisle.

My parents are going through a messy divorce.

I have always felt the tradition of the dad didn't sit right with me and I wanted both my parents to do it.

My parents aren't talking so I made peace that one may decline but they have both accepted the role.

I didn't ask my parents to, I separately explained what I wanted and asked if they would both do it. They both had neutral 'what every you want' reactions which I was happy with

My sibling told me dad is very upset that I didn't ask just him. dad felt that was his role as a dad and that it meant alot to him and I was dilouting the moment and making it difficult for him with my mum there too. Sibling thinks I should offer it to just my dad and mum won't mind. This is correct, my mum wouldn't mind, but it is what I want. Shall I go ahead anyway with my preference?

I travelled alone in the car with my Dad so we had the special time together without the symbolism of being given away, I met DH at the top of the aisle and walked with him. Mum travelled with my brother.

I have divorced parents, it sounds awful. Could you not skip that particular tradition altogether?

You’re fanning the flames when you should be trying to help them get along for the day.

If the whole wedding is going to be awkward because of their separation, why on earth would you do something that will make it even more awkward? Seriously, how did you expect this to go?

If you're concerned about the sexist element, then just walk up the aisle on your own. More and more brides are doing just that.

Exactly.

It’s a deeply sexist tradition.

I don’t know why the bride and groom can’t walk in together to be married.

Rather than the bride being delivered to him waiting at the alter as if she was an UberEats takeaway.

I don’t know what you can do now that you have asked them , OP, but I fear that instead of sheer joy your walk down the aisle will follow a tense ‘gritted teeth best behaviour’ wait in the porch.

If you don't like tradition, why are you having a church wedding?

I fear it also looks like you've taken sides

I think it's a lovely idea. If it's what you want and they've said yes, then go for it. It's a great day to make choices that reflect you and your partner. Just because it's not 'normal' in your culture doesn't mean it's not somewhere else in the world. People often get pissed off with things at people's weddings because it doesn't meet their expectations...so what!
Thirty years ago, at my wedding, my bridesmaids walked down the aisle first which was unusual. Noone would bat an eyelid now!

This is a bit much @Rhaidimiddim!!!! I’d argue that it’s more cruel, stupid and thoughtless of her Dad to make such a fuss about not getting to do his “manly” role in the way that he wants/envisaged it (after all, he can still do it, just alongside his STBEx-wife). After all, surely both parents should want to do what their daughter wants for her wedding day and be mature enough and respectful of one another whilst doing it?

It is not the bride’s job to stroke her Dad’s ego as “a man” who gets to “give her away”, not should she be playing peacemaker between her parents on her wedding day (or anyway day, tbh). As @wasnothas pointed out, her parents don’t need to be any closer to one another or speak to one another any more than they otherwise would in order to to walk her down the aisle together. It’s their daughter’s special day and they should suck it up, do what she wants and smile whilst doing it.

FWIW though @wasnotnow-DH and I walked in to our wedding together and nobody was “given away” (we already lived together and it had been a long time since I needed either of my parent’s permission to do anything by then, so it was a bit of a moot point!) I would recommend that anybody not in a traditional, old-fashioned union do the same tbh. However, you do what you want to do and don’t acquiesce to your father throwing his toys out of his pram. My best friend felt obliged to have her Dad “give her away” as he got upset when she mentioned not having that element of the day. She’s still cross 20-plus years later that she was made to do something that made her feel uncomfortable for the sake of keeping the peace and saving his feelings, when it was her feelings (and her DH’s!) which should have taken precedence.

There are about 20-typos in that last message. Apologies, it’s late and I’ve got the lurgy so am typing propped up on about 12 pillows with a brain full of cotton wool.

Well, fire them both and walk in with your husband to be? It’s not a choice between your sexist dad or both parents.

I would do half the isle with each parent.
Rhink 3 going up the isle is too crowded

YABU and should just let your Dad do it, as your Mum would not have been expecting to be asked. Are they funding anything?

I think it's weird and unnecessary, sorry. If they'd been divorced years and got along fine it might be alright, but in the current circumstances it will be an awkward atmosphere. Not to mention walking three abreast down the aisle is just clunky.

Your mum presumably gets to do things your dad doesn't, like be with you when you choose your dress, be with you when you are getting ready with your bridesmaids, be with you on your hen night. The walking down the aisle is your dad's bit. Why deny him having it to himself? Especially if he and your mum are not on good terms. What should be a lovely experience for him will be an unpleasant and difficult one.

Sorry but I think this was a bad idea when they're in a middle of a divorce. You're best off asking neither of them or just your dad.

Have neither? Given it’s extremely outdated, by a century, and as I was not a ‘chattel’ to be ‘given away’, DH and I just walked in together.

Surely it won't be quite so moving or magical to walk down the aisle in between two people who won't talk to each other? I think lose this idea, maybe Dad does this bit, Mum gets ready with you. Or you could start with one and have the other meet you half way down the aisle. I think you will have a much happier time on your own wedding day if you find another way.

Don’t think I’d want to be walking down the aisle with everyone thinking……god this is awkward poor mum having to do that when they aren’t even talking….she’s doing well putting a brave face on it…… just a few more steps then it’s over with…..rather than just focussing on the bride.

It's up to him if he's upset. Is sexist and stupid, so he needs to accept it. It's your wedding and you are a woman so why would you accept a sexist thing like that when your Mother gave birth to you out of her body and was your primary carer? Also it's the men who supposedly make the speeches. Will he be upset if she makes a speech?

Apart from the fact that it seems thoughtless of their feelings to make them do this it might look to the guests like you are doing it because of their divorce, or like your mum has insisted or something. Just really awkward and unnecessary.
I totally agree re patriarchy, not being a possession etc but it was actually a nice thing to do with my dad in the end - he was proudly keeping me company, not owning me. It was also pretty much the only thing he did! Are you also worried that it is sexist that you are talking more with your mum about dresses / flowers etc?

It is also totally understandable that your dad is upset about this as it’s such an unusual thing to do. He won’t have been expecting it and the divorce must add an extra layer to the disappointment.

Your wedding, your choice.

I saw on IG the brides parents entering together to the wedding breakfast to TS: we are never ever getting back together.

How do you want your parents to feel about your wedding day? Because atm they are probably dreading it, and are enduring it for your sake, is that what you want for them?

Your sister understands the family dynamics better than we do right now.
Take her advice.
Both your Mum and Dad want you to have what you want.

Your mother will be less uncomfortable if you don't requre this of her at this time. OP.
Your father will feel best doing the traditional walk too.
Good on them for attending your wedding and for trying their best and being prepared to sacrifice their own feelings for you.

Take your sister's advice.

Also do not diminish the traditional mother-of-the-bride role for your Mum. Corsage, dress. Etc. She deserves to be proud of being your mother.

I think I would have a chat with your Dad and your mum separately OP and clear the air. It may well be the best outcome is that neither walk you down the aisle but that’s up to you.

Ignore all the posts stating you should be trying to help them to get along, you’re lucky they’re coming to your wedding (?!), they will be dreading your day etc. That may well be the case but it’s incredibly churlish to make your daughter’s wedding all about your own divorce. You are not responsible for your parents’ behaviour (nor happiness).