AIBU for refusing an expensive pre-booked weekend away with in-laws?

[Floff1]

AIBU for not wanting to go on a weekend away with in laws.
Somewhere was pre booked without warning, no heads up for pricing etc then got told to pay over £200pp for a 2 night stay, a few people dropped out and now the price has increased over £100. That's over £600 for myself and partner. We can't afford it, living literally week by week just to put food on the table, we don't air our finances but it's no secret to them that we struggle.
I'm a bit annoyed that something was booked with no mention of a "hey thinking of doing this are you OK with it/ what's your price range" or similar.
I've mentioned to my DH that he needs to say something because if we drop out the price will increase again for others, and i dont like the thought or burdening others, he keeps saying he will sort it but nothing.
Not only this but this weekend away means my family of 6 will be sharing one bedroom, which doesn't really appeal to me forking out this much money (which we don't have anyway) to all share one room when a few others will have rooms to themselves even though they are partners.
I dunno. Am I overthinking and causing unnecessary problems in my own head?

Tell him that if he doesn’t tell them you won’t be going so he will have to manage the 4 children himself and find the money

My MIL tried this - once- big fat no.

So, as your DH has come over all wet lettuce, you just need to tell the in-laws .
‘We won’t be joining you, sorry. This is too much money for us at the moment and way too much to spend for 6 of us in one room. Thanks for thinking of us, but to avoid this situation, we need to discuss before booking’

I would not be sparing my husbands feelings on this if he is not going to man up and tell her himself.

Parcel it up as one statement:

"Even if we had a spare £600, which we don't, we'd spend it on a more comfortable holiday than sleeping in a six person dormitory. It's not reasonable to expect us to come."

Say no now. Don't wait for husband OP

DH needs to get a grip. The first time they booked something without consulting you both it should have been refused.
He needs to say no. Now.

There's already been a few dynamics that I haven't agreed on and aired and DH says "you don't like my family" so I'm not getting involved with and being the bad guy. Its his problem to resolve not mine. I've said multiple times he can go with the kids by himself because I won't enjoy 6 in one room and I've said from day one we can't afford it.

and then if that happens how do I say I'm not having 6 of us in one bloody room?

@Floff1 So tell them exactly that. There is a way of saying no that isn't confrontational, just politely assertive.

They do this again and again because you are both too passive and they know you won't say no. Learn to stand up for yourselves. What kind of example are you showing to your children?

Neither of our families pull this kind of stunt because they know that if we said no they know that we mean it and they aren't controlling arseholes

Tbh considering how under the thumb DH is with his family I reckon he did know about this at the beginning but didn’t think it important enough to tell you. He obviously doesn’t say no to his family so this is something that he is used to sucking up.

my ex in-laws were similar and I used to just not go and leave ex to take the kids

Suggest the dc have a sleepover in the room one woman is getting to herself!
*if it is suggested they are paying your shares.
But seriously take this opportunity to stop other people taking up your time and money whenever they feel like it.

What kind of accommodation have they booked that would allow six people in one room? If it's an Airbnb there are limits and it's the same with hotels. Where will everyone be expected to sleep? Assuming it's you, your husband and four children, how old are the children? Do they not get any say? Are there six beds or will they be on the floor? So many questions... But either way it's a big fat NO!

I know it is old fashioned but when you get married your status changes. You no longer have a boyfriend and he a girlfriend. But you are joined together. Emotionally, financially. And you gain ‘in laws’.
Trying to keep his family completely separated in some way from you has caused you this problem. He has not tackled the issue with his parents. And you have said ‘nothing to do with me they belong to him’. Which is of no help to you whatsoever to take such a stance.
Yes, you need to speak to him and ask why hasn’t he done so.
But, instead of waiting for him to do it, tell him you will do so if he doesn’t. Set a deadline and stick to it.
Given what you have said about the arrangements you cannot go.

It’s not just £600 it’s spending money and contributing to a possible kitty. You need to get on top of this and withdraw now.

Good luck.

If you cannot afford for either him and six children to go, regardless of whether you do or not, it has become your problem.
The dynamics of whether you like your in laws or not I would put to one side.

@Monty36 , it's four children not six.

Christ no. Family of 6 here. I’d rather boil myself alive than have a room all of us for the weekend. How on earth is this room even set up?? It’s either going to be like something out of Snow White and the seven dwarfs or a prison camp with bunk beds

Just need to tell them you’re not going. Can they cancel and rebook elsewhere?

We’ve had a similar suggestion by SIL although it was an abroad holiday/villa and not only were we expected to pay more than everyone else as they wanted to split it ‘per person’ rather than per room. Some double rooms would be single occupied by other relatives but wanted us to squeeze 3 per room - funnily enough SIL already reserved the nice master suite for her and her DP ‘because she was organising it’. She also wanted us to split the cost of an invited elderly relative and MIL too between us - including their flight costs. It was a hard - VERY HARD - no from me.

We’re definitely not struggling but that was an absolute piss take. Was topped off by her suggestion that we could have BBQ every night - knowing what the family are like I knew I’d end up having to feed everyone each day too

Your husband should have said immediately you could not afford that.
The longer he leaves it, the harder it becomes to drop out.

And he should add (in case someone does offer to pay as you think they might) that all 6 of you in one room won't work for you

Of course you can, and should, pull out of this preposterous idea. If it's not exactly a secret that you're hardly flushed, why the f#ck are people booking £600 breaks on your behalf without telling you? Tell them to go to Hell...

I dunno. Am I overthinking and causing unnecessary problems in my own head?

yeah overthinking

just say - oh no this isn't for us as we don't have the funds right now so have to cut our cloth etc. Thanks for inviting us but we will not be coming

Your in-laws have caused the problem by trying to spend other peoples money without asking - let them sort out their own mess

Don’t let him and the DC go without you. That’s throwing away the money with no benefit to you. Cutting off nose to spite your face territory.

Why is it such a common theme, on an awful lot of Mumsnet posts, where a woman is having an issue (large, or small) with her in-laws; and her husband doesn’t back her up and tell his parents ‘no’.

Cos he wants to keep the peace, doesn’t want to upset his mum, etc.

But, he’s quite happy to upset his wife, and doesn’t care about keeping the peace with her.
He’ll happily put his wife through something, that she’s not at all happy with, just to keep Mummy happy??

Like this example here? He’d rather fork out £600 (when they’re on a tight budget) than tell his parents why they don’t can’t/want to go.

Apart from the man being a complete pussy, why is it so often the case??

Why have you not said no already? Why do you say it’s his problem to solve when it’s something you need to solve together? It seems very passive.

Is 6 people in a room allowed in this Airbnb? Does it actually have that number of beds on one room? Host insurance can be very strict about numbers. If this is over capacity they may not allow everyone in. Even the host doesn’t do in person greets and there’s a key box instead - some properties have door cams on the exterior so the host can keep an eye on who’s coming and going.

Beg pardon !

Totally make him go without you. Staying 6 to a room with your in laws is no benefit to you anyway.

Yep, not your problem. You told DH ages go you weren’t going and the fact that they booked it without even checking dates with you let alone prices is batshit.