My sons teacher was awful to my toddler and I’m still a bit confused and upset about it

[headlightshiningbright]

My ds (5, in reception) has not had a good week at school and got into quite a bit of trouble. His teacher wanted to speak to me about it which is fair enough. I am supportive of the school and I have hopefully made it clear to ds that there cannot be a repeat of this behaviour.

However, in the meeting, my nearly three year old kicked off a bit. There was a club going on next door which she wanted to join in and she ran to the door and started crying and saying she wanted to make what they were making. My DS’s teacher spoke really sharply to her, saying her name and very firmly ‘no’ - I can’t honestly say it was shouting but wasn’t far off. She then carried on telling her off.

To be honest the whole meeting felt very confrontational and while I sort of understand she wasn’t pleased with ds it felt like my parenting had been tried and felt lacking and that she needed to step in.

I don’t even know what the point to this post is! I guess I’m just wondering if others would feel a bit peculiar about it? Intentionally or otherwise it was incredibly undermining and felt horrible to be honest.

Why didn’t you step it before it reached that point?

Perhaps you should view this as an insight into your parenting ability? You should have stepped in before the teacher had to do so.

Honestly, it sounds like you aren't parenting your children very well when it comes to managing their behaviour and she, inappropriately, let out some of her frustration about that. She shouldn't have told your child off, but she also shouldn't have needed to or had the time to as you should have got there first.

I don't think it was the teacher's finest moment, but I would use it as an opportunity to reflect on whether I am being proactive enough in managing my kids and, being truly honest, whether I should be doing more. It is very easy when you're with them day in, day out to go a bit blind to behaviours that others find inappropriate.

Can you see how difficult it must be for the teacher? She wanted a meeting with you about older DC and 3 year old was kicking off.
What action did you take when you 3 year old started running/crying?
Sounds like the teacher was just firm. What is wrong with that?

I would not be happy either. It is nobody else's place to parent your child, unless they are completely wild and im thinking like a teenager causing criminal damage; not a toddler crying.

The most she should have done is politely say to you something like "sorry, I dont think we can focus with your DD so upset; do you want to try and calm her quickly so we can continue?". She should have given you the opportunity to sort it before she did.

And you'll get dragged for not getting up in a millisecond to deal with her, but I get it. We are so used to hearing them cry that we can ignore it to an extent. Others cant, but again, she should have let you handle it.

Your daughter sounds like she was being a very normal 2 year old. The teacher sounds like she overstepped.

I imagine that she was a bit exasperated that your 3 year old was interrupting the meeting. Did you bring anything along to entertain your toddler?

She may have been being a very normal 3 year old, but the parent should have stepped in before the teacher had to!

The ‘firm no’ part sounds reasonable. Did your toddler stop misbehaving at that point? Less sure about the telling off. What happened in the telling off and was your toddler misbehaving at that point? And what were you doing?

Stop what, the tantrum? I really didn’t get a chance; no sooner had she struck up a wail than the teacher intercepted her. Because of where we were stood the teacher was slightly closer to her than I was.

Only on mumsnet will a woman jump at the opportunity to criticise another woman as a parent for not stopping their toddler for crying within seconds. Her not intervening quickly is no reflection on her parenting ability. How nasty.

It’s hard to tell from what you say. Are you one of the gentle parenting types whose little ones can do no wrong? For all we know, the teacher could have been behaving totally age appropriately and you’re seeing it through a lens that most of us wouldn’t. IME, it must have been pretty bad for the teacher to step in like this!

Ha ha ha ha. No.

Not parenting your children is not good.

The teacher is stepping in where you haven’t …

It sounds like she felt she had to intervene to just get her meeting with you done. It’s hard to talk with a 3yr old moaning in the background, when mine was 3 she could kick up an almighty stink if she wasn’t getting what she wanted.

She probably felt you just weren’t handling it. Also sometimes with kids it takes someone else to stop them in their tracks if they are used to ignoring you (I’m not criticising you, I imagine most people have been ignored by a 3yr old on here). Don’t take it personally but I think perhaps reflect on what sort of boundaries you have with your children and if what you are doing with them is working for them (sorry but if you have a meeting about behaviour then it’s not working). Also look up authoritative parenting.

To recap: you were in a meeting about your poorly behaved 5 yr old and in that meeting you were parenting your 3yr child so poorly she had to step in and manage your child's behaviour because you werent?

Its uncomfortable but possibly a turning point for you to review your parenting style and parenting techniques.
The ones you are currently using clearly dont serve you well as they aremt effective.

Your kids sound like you need to set some boundaries. Why didn't you intervene when your 3 year old started acting up . The teacher obviously felt she had to . Telling her No is not abusive . Your attitude gives an indication of why the teacher needed to speak to you regarding your 5 year old . Sounds like your 3 year old is heading the same way . Maybe take this as a possibility that you need to exercise more assertiveness either your kids . Nobody likes a brat and this teacher may not be the only person that will make that known to you .

You're actually trying to say that her parenting capability is compromised because on one instance, she didnt stop her 3 year old from crying within seconds? Really?

@dizzydizzydizzy … I think if it had just been firm I wouldn’t have minded much although honestly I think it needed to come from me. But it wasn’t just firm, it was sharp. And it actually exacerbated the situation - DD was already tired and wrung out and it made her cry and howl. In fairness I don’t exactly think there was a ‘good’ way of managing it - it was definitely one of those where I knew I’d have to grab her and go which I did.

I can see my parenting has been questioned (putting it mildly) and like most people who care about their children I obviously fret a lot that I’m too strict / soft / harsh / inconsistent. I don’t think I am perfect but I also think a toddler having a bit of a wobbler is normal enough and not necessarily reflective of me as a parent.

“She should have given you the opportunity to sort it out” - do you think the teacher didn’t? The child had run over to the door and was crying, sounds to me like the parent had plenty of time. You may choose to ignore that cry when you’re in a meeting but most people can’t and, importantly, shouldn’t have to. That’s your job as the parent.

Thank you. I appreciate this because I have had some very critical comments here which I don’t think are entirely deserved.

I agree. Three year olds tantrum especially when they see fun happening and they can’t join it it feels so unfair. I think I’d try to meet the teacher when I have childcare for the little one if possible , I certainly couldn’t have a decent convo and deal with my 3yo at once

I’m afraid this isn’t correct; I had no time. I never, ever ignore either of my children crying. I don’t think I could even if I wanted to; it goes right through me and I rather admire parents who can!

So there was no actual telling off?
the teacher just said/exclaimed “No, [‘child name]”?

The teacher was presumably intervening to make sure your 3 year old didn’t open the door and go through and disrupt the club.