My sons teacher was awful to my toddler and I’m still a bit confused and upset about it

[headlightshiningbright]

My ds (5, in reception) has not had a good week at school and got into quite a bit of trouble. His teacher wanted to speak to me about it which is fair enough. I am supportive of the school and I have hopefully made it clear to ds that there cannot be a repeat of this behaviour.

However, in the meeting, my nearly three year old kicked off a bit. There was a club going on next door which she wanted to join in and she ran to the door and started crying and saying she wanted to make what they were making. My DS’s teacher spoke really sharply to her, saying her name and very firmly ‘no’ - I can’t honestly say it was shouting but wasn’t far off. She then carried on telling her off.

To be honest the whole meeting felt very confrontational and while I sort of understand she wasn’t pleased with ds it felt like my parenting had been tried and felt lacking and that she needed to step in.

I don’t even know what the point to this post is! I guess I’m just wondering if others would feel a bit peculiar about it? Intentionally or otherwise it was incredibly undermining and felt horrible to be honest.

A lot of people on this site are unhinged, please don't pay attention to the ones pretty much calling you a bad parent over this. I knew as soon as I read the OP you would have guns pointed at you, over your 3 year old crying. And here it is, comment after comment about your lack of parenting skills. These are supposed to be grown women, too. Yikes.

Maybe she thought she was helping by doing the strict teacher voice? It’s usually pretty effective on kids. But really the 3YO shouldn’t have been at the meeting. The teacher gave up her time after school to talk about how to help your eldest and you can’t give it your full attention because you’ve bought along a toddler who unsurprisingly was behaving like a toddler. If you couldn’t have coordinated with DH/DP/kids Dad/nursery hours or whatever options you have to not bring her then I would have asked for a phone call instead of a face to face.

They are not deserved at all. 3 year old cries - omg, bad parent!!! Weirdos.

It is normal. If anyone’s toddler didn’t it’s just luck not because they parent better.
think this teacher needs much more training if this is how she deals wit early years children she shouldn’t be in this age group she should be with older ones if at all
i bet your son wouldn’t be having problems at school if he had an attuned nurturing miss honey type teacher who used relational approaches.
i would report this concern to someone higher up and ask that they observe the teacher and see if she seems attuned or overly phnagive

Awww yeah it’s such a minefield.

Toddler are absolute devils.

To be honest, I’d put the whole thing behind you. it’ll all be forgotten by tomorrow.

Teachers have a very hard job. If I were a reception teacher, I’d be more than a bit sharp after spending a day with 30 5yo children.

It’s weird for a teacher to reprimand a child who is not in their class. Whether you should have gone more is besides the point imo, it wasn’t her place.

She said ‘no <name>’ very sharply, and when dd started to cry in earnest raised her voice and said ‘you know what no means … NO you cannot do X.’

I really was not standing there while DD started about the club. Another child accidentally opened the door: dd was standing next to it, she saw they were making hedgehogs. DD loves hedgehogs for some reason so started pointing to the closed door and saying ‘my make a hedgehog’ and the teacher then spoke to her.

I am kind of hoping she was just having a bad day, but it really was very sharp and I did feel it was misplaced. DD is two; she’s six weeks or so shy of turning 3, but she still is only two.

Seeing it through the teachers eyes, it sounds like she had had a trying week with your eldest and, so seeing your youngest kicking off, she probably did judge your parenting as lacking and so rightly or wrongly decided to step in quickly to show you decipline.

I know, it was on Tuesday and I have to admit it’s still bothering me, although I’ve not had a great week myself so I’m probably overreacting. Talking things through does help although I did have a feeling my parenting would be put on trial (I don’t mean you!)

This is my suspicion as well, but that doesn’t fill me with confidence for future reference, I have to admit.

the teacher sounds awful. I’d look at moving schools

I do understand as I have a toddler, but this is why I never take him with me to school meetings. There’s no way I could concentrate properly on the conversation with the teacher whilst looking after and trying to placate my toddler.

Was this a pre-arranged meeting or did she grab you on the hop, like at the school gates? Obviously childcare would have been ideal, if the former.

Exactly! I think others are being unfair. 3 year olds kick off a lot and can go from 0 to tantrum in moments. I also imagine op was focused on talking about her other child so that would have also made it difficult.
Peoples responses on here can be so odd. I am a teacher and would never talk to someone else’s toddler like that - it’s not my job and it’s not helpful.

I don’t think this was particularly harsh tbh.

I think the teacher's behaviour was ridiculous. You don't go straight for conflict with a two-year-old in a perfectly normal situation like that, never mind someone else's two-year-old. I agree we shouldn't judge someone on a snapshot like this but she certainly dealt with the situation badly, and I can't see that you did anything wrong.

@mintleavesandthyme i would be lying if I said it hadn’t crossed my mind although I don’t want to do anything hasty or disrupt ds. But despite the tantrum on Tuesday (and in context, DD woke at 4 with an ear infection and hadn’t napped so was very, very tired and emotional by that point in the day) she’s quite timid and sensitive as a rule and that will have upset her.

(I do realise the teacher couldn’t have known that but I guess that’s the point; you don’t know.)

Maybe she thought she was helping but it really wasn’t.

The teacher shouldn't have said anything to your youngest child. The teacher should have rearranged the meeting if things were too tricky to continue but instead she/he over reacted. All toddlers have their moments. Some teachers are bullies despite there being some great teachers out there.

It wasn’t - it isn’t like she screamed at her or anything. But the tone was really unpleasant, and I was quite put out she didn’t give me a chance to deal with it.

If your kids are too ill, hold the meeting over the phone instead while the kids are settled

For heaven’s sake, not all teachers are perfect - they can be overbearing, unpleasant, sanctimonious, incompetent, eccentric…at roughly the same rate as the rest of the population. I’m an early years teacher and I’ve certainly met many teachers who weren’t the paragons of virtue MN seems to think they all are.

OP your toddler was behaving normally - stressful and difficult, yes, but very normal - and the teacher overstepped. I think you are right that she has decided your son’s misbehaviour must mean that you are a wishy washy parent and she thought she’d show you how to be firm. Had she any idea how toddlers actually work, she would have known it was a spectacularly poor idea and would make the situation worse. She sounds rather insufferable tbh.

Do you think there’s a reason for the judgment? Are you a young parent? Or could there be racism involved?

I have to say I have 4 and my toddlers have all been a bit unruly and I’ve never had anyone, let alone a teacher, behave like this. It’s definitely not normal

Also to add maybe the teacher had a shit week and was a bit too edgy/tired/irritable by Friday

i was collecting ds at the end of the school day. I had dd with me (as obviously I can’t leave her alone) and was asked to go and speak with the teacher due to DS’s behaviour that day.

It was a bad day - don’t make it worse / make your life more complicated by moving schools etc

you feel told off which is why these feelings are still bubbling. You are trying your best. Next time you see a teacher dont take your other child if possible. They will get older and learn better behaviour. This will be in the past before you know it.