My sons teacher was awful to my toddler and I’m still a bit confused and upset about it

[headlightshiningbright]

My ds (5, in reception) has not had a good week at school and got into quite a bit of trouble. His teacher wanted to speak to me about it which is fair enough. I am supportive of the school and I have hopefully made it clear to ds that there cannot be a repeat of this behaviour.

However, in the meeting, my nearly three year old kicked off a bit. There was a club going on next door which she wanted to join in and she ran to the door and started crying and saying she wanted to make what they were making. My DS’s teacher spoke really sharply to her, saying her name and very firmly ‘no’ - I can’t honestly say it was shouting but wasn’t far off. She then carried on telling her off.

To be honest the whole meeting felt very confrontational and while I sort of understand she wasn’t pleased with ds it felt like my parenting had been tried and felt lacking and that she needed to step in.

I don’t even know what the point to this post is! I guess I’m just wondering if others would feel a bit peculiar about it? Intentionally or otherwise it was incredibly undermining and felt horrible to be honest.

Well she's 3 not 2, but in any case if her behaviour made it impossible for the teacher to discuss her concerns about the older child, then perhaps she shouldn't have been there at all?

I get that that isn't always easy, and in SOME cases might not be possible, but we don't know that there was literally nobody who could have minded the younger child for the time needed. It sounds more like it didn't seem important enough to the OP to get that organised.

Oh I know, I didn’t even respond to that one because seriously … who leaves their toddler with grandma on the school run anyway!? We’re thin on the ground with grandparents; my parents are dead and DH only has his mum and she isn’t able to look after them, lovely as she is, she isn’t well enough.

@WalkAway7 i have explained this a few times. It wasn’t a prearranged meeting, the teacher came to me at pick up. I’m afraid I don’t have childcare every day for DD in case a meeting is needed.

There isn’t a specialist teacher for hearing loss. He manages fairly well but we’re waiting further tests and possibly grommets, hope so to be honest. I did actually meet with her before half term (without dd, for those wondering!) and she was quite reassuring as I was worried he was getting into bother. This week was a bit of a disaster.

OP you've had a rough deal on here and actually I think you're very level headed and now you've calmed down have wanted to ask other parents who've been in the same situation as you (or similar enough) whether what happened was within 'normal' parameters or not OK.

I think the calm and measured PP's response (apologies, you quoted it but I can't remember their username) is the right approach to take. Look at the teacher with generosity and imagine she was having as bad a day as you and your toddler.

no, she is two. She is three at the end of July.

The word 'no' doesn't have to abusive to be hugely unhelpful and it can certainly be inflammatory, especially to a child who is tired and ill.

I'd expect a teacher to redirect the 2 year old to something they could do if they genuinely wanted to calm things down and have a conversation with her mother.

Using a sharp tone and focussing on the thing that she can't do is basically a recipe for winding a toddler up (or trying to scare them into submission) so I'd like to think a teacher who was genuinely trying to help would have been a bit more savvy about how to go about it.

It sounds like she wanted your whole family to know that she's not to be messed with, and although her desire to do so may be understandable, it isn't particularly nice to use a young child to make a point, and it's not particularly respectful to their parent to intervene like that without giving them a chance to handle it themselves.

OP - my daughter would probably have done exactly the same as yours and been easily placated by me saying we could make a hedgehog at home or finding her a toy to play with in the classroom, but a sharp telling off from a stranger would have had her absolutely howling and I would have felt the same as you.

FWIW, my oldest is now 14 and a thoughtful delight who is often complemented on his manners and general loveliness, so I'm not a slack parent that can't handle boundaries, just one that recognises that sometimes a gentle approach is the most effective for all parties.

Because however you look at it, the teacher's intervention made the task in hand impossible and the meeting had to be abandoned, so all it achieved was upsetting a small child and making a parent lose confidence in her child's teacher. 🤷🏻

As a mum of three and primary school teacher, I assume you can read and comprehend, and then you will know the answer.

All mine came to doctors and dentist with me. Not hairdressers as appointments were too long, so they would be booked for weekends when their Dad wasn't working. Didn't have to see a lawyer but yes I would have, unless they offered weekend appointments which I don't think they do. As a mother of three you must have a lot of help if you've never had to take a toddler to an appointment.

But had you read the OP's posts, you would have seen she was just doing pick up and the teacher asked to see her, it wasn't pre-scheduled.

There's nothing wrong or unusual about the scenario you describe. The behaviour, the responses, the difficult timing, the stress for all of you.

What IS wrong is how you have reacted to it by wholesale slating the teacher, a complete WHOOSH moment regarding your own kids' behaviour.

Yet another parent contributing to reasons for teachers to leave the profession.

And yes, incidentally, she comes with me to the doctors and the dentist and the solicitors when I bought a property and to my smear test and to my check up. I’m afraid she absolutely does. Hairdresser no, but that’s only three times a year and can be done on a Saturday.

This is life for some of us.

I too would be mortified and questioning my parenting to be honest. And not blaming anyone else apart from myself ( and DH! )

Since when is taking a toddler to a meeting in a school the same as taking a toddler to a lawyer?

THOSE mothers?

Mm. This is one of the unhinged ones I was referring to earlier, OP.

Have I? I haven’t said anything personal or awful, just that the meeting felt somewhat belligerent in nature and this tipped over to quite nasty (sorry if that upsets but is how I honestly feel) when DD started being difficult.

i have tried to acknowledge that I believe the teacher is having a bad week and I haven’t said a word about it and nor will I. But it is on my mind rather a lot I am afraid.

No unpaid help, a childminder who minded my children before and after my school day.

You seem far more preoccupied with your daughter and her reaction to the teacher intervening than with your son’s misbehaviour. I imagine the teacher really wanted a brief word at the end of a long and possibly trying week and was pretty fed up with their sibling misbehaving too!

I am blaming myself, as it happens. I’m certainly not blaming the teacher. But it would seem that she does blame me, and that’s quite difficult, because for one thing I don’t think playing the blame game helps - what we need is to steer ds in a different direction and of course as his parent and main carer that’s mostly on me, but it is on others too.

She posted on an anonymous forum days afterwards to ask opinions. Not sure what the WHOOSH moment is, or how the teacher is even aware and it would make her quit her job.

I am very concerned about ds and am considering a range of possibilities for him, but you are right that this isn’t the focal point of my thread.

I would bristle sbout that until the end of Y6. It does sound patronising and unkind. I remember my two year.old opening and shutting drawers quite loudly in.a.mortgsge advisors office. Shock horror! She did no harm and she hasn't become a delinquent teen. Toddlers learn social behaviour slowly and learn best from kindness.

I really think you’re the unhinged one here. I didn’t want to mention it earlier, but as you’ve repeated the insult yet again…

And you would actually pay a childminder every day on your days off if you were part time just so you didn’t have to take one of your children on the school run? Is this a serious post or did you misunderstand?

Seriously the amount of teachers on MN is incredible so when reading the responses, they will ALWAYS agree with whatever the teacher did or does.
They will soon tell you to write a letter of apology to the teacher and accept that you were wrong.
Seriously before writing responses about a specific subject, people should have to declare if they are part of that particular profession themselves.
Signed. Not a teacher.

And most can't afford daily childminders for the rare time you may be called in last minute for a school meeting. Or to go to appointments. You had a childminder because of your job, so you wouldn't have even been able to speak to the teacher without it being pre-arranged.

Well, I’m actually a teacher myself.

I work with SEND so my role is very different and I certainly won’t pretend to understand pressures primary school teachers have, especially in EYFS, but I’m on the same team.

One of the things that has crossed my mind a number of times is that I wouldn’t dream of speaking to a child like that in front of a parent and I am a bit confused by it.

Op I can’t believe the stick you’re getting here. The teacher had no right to speak to you or your toddler like that! All your son did was jump in a muddy puddle and splash another child ???
If I thought my infant level ds was being taught by someone like that I would seriously make a complaint. This is not the 1950s ffs!

Well yes, indeed. Absolutely no one has regular childcare arranged on the basis of something that might happen a couple of times a year! (One hopes anyway.)