AIBU to say DSD can’t stay here anymore after joking half my house will be hers one day?

[BetLynchsEyes]

I’m probably too close to this so need honest opinions because DH thinks I’ve gone nuclear.

DH has a daughter from his first marriage. She’s 27. We’ve never had a terrible relationship but it’s never exactly been warm either. I’ve always felt like she sort of tolerates me rather than actually likes me, which is fine, she doesn’t have to love me, but I do expect basic respect.

Whenever she visits she stays with us. I clean the spare room, sort the bedding and towels, buy extra food, cook, make conversation, all of it. DH enjoys having her here but realistically I’m the one doing most of the hosting.

Anyway, last weekend she came to stay with her partner. We were having dinner and DH made some offhand comment about being lucky the mortgage was paid off. His daughter laughed and said “Well, don’t get too attached, half of it will be mine one day.” I honestly just froze. I know she’ll say it was only a joke but it didn’t feel like one. It felt really nasty.

I said, “That’s a horrible thing to say.” She immediately said I was taking it the wrong way and she was joking. I said, “You’re sat in my house, eating food I made, talking about it like you’re waiting to inherit it. How else am I supposed to take it!?”

Then it all kicked off a bit. She started crying and getting hysterical. She has form for doing this when she's been called out on horrible comments.

DH told me to leave it, which annoyed me even more becuase I feel like I’m ALWAYS expected to leave things. She got upset and said I’d never liked her. I said that wasn’t true, but I was sick of being polite while she makes digs and then acts all innocent.

Her partner looked mortified. She ended up crying even louder and they left earlier than planned. Now DH says I embarrassed her and made a stupid comment into a massive issue. He says she was clumsy, not malicious, and that saying she can’t stay again is way too harsh.

But I can’t get past it. Maybe it was “just a joke” but I don’t want to wash sheets, cook meals and play happy host for someone who apparently sees my home as her future inheritance.

I’ve said she can still visit her dad obviously, but I don’t want to wait on her hand and foot anymore and just put up with horrible digs.

AIBU or have I properly overreacted?

To hope is not the same as to feel entitled.

The SD’s reaction to the truth of her father’s financial situation is probably exactly why the OP got cross. Too many women are regarded as gold diggers in situations where they are anything but, just because of the reputation of the “class” of person they fall into, in this case, second wife. I have had this all my life as an Asian woman dating white men. I was the one with the successful and lucrative career (earning twice my ex’s salary) and the wholly owned house in my sole name, but it didn’t stop people making digs and presumptions about me and why I was with him (for his non existent money).

She told them she’ll get half of the house which isn’t true.

Especially if you were coming round to ask for help on a house deposit - it’s completely tone deaf!

This. I might have to do this as well.

@mclaren10best and most succinct post on the thread. It is literally this in a nutshell and any assumption of inheritance or wrapped up as faux “jest” is embarrassing and unreasonable. I’ll get flamed but honestly folk that think this is OK are lacking in the decency department

Is it? I won’t, neither will DH. Wouldn’t it be better if it was “customary” for us all to make our own way without expecting handouts from anyone?

That 'poor man' is in the hot tub enjoying a glass of something with his 'dramatic' wife.
I wouldn't feel too sorry for him.

I would have the brains to know that if my dad was married to someone else, his estate would go to her if he died first, since married couples normally inherit from each other. I would also realise that after both of them had died, things would need to be split with her children as well as with me.

Second marriages do a real number on the inheritance of the first family, that's for sure.

I’m so surprised at all the apologists claiming it was banter or harmless. And the subsequent phone call vindicates your initial instincts. CF behaviour of the highest order. I feel for your DH, this will have been very hard for him to realise, and I’d imagine the scales have fallen away from his eyes. Sounds like he’s going to need your support to navigate this but you’re absolutely within your rights to take a massive step back and let him deal with this, and in particular any future hosting. She sounds dreadfully immature and honestly not a little spiteful.

Oh, and I think what she mentioned (about inheritance) is extremely crass even if both of you were her biological parents. Assuming inheritance from anyone is highly presumptuous and bloody rude!

Yes, it is customary for children to inherit from parents if there is anything. You surely must know that. Are you not inheriting because there's nothing to inherit, or because your parents are leaving it all to the cats' home?

Even if housing, childcare, and life in general wasn't so expensive, do you think parents would mostly choose not to leave what they have to their families? I don't think most would leave everything to charity and nothing to their children.

It was a really crass thing to say and it made no sense anyway.

I bet she wishes she'd never opened her mouth. 🤣🤣🤣

I don’t understand how your DH had never informed his DD about his legal and financial position on re-marrying.
He has allowed her to incorrectly assume, all this time, that she would be much better off eventually, than he knew she ever would be.
Why is that? Why keep her in the dark about it?
Surely, that has been very remiss of him, especially knowing that she is prone to these awful cheeky/barbed comments.

He should want her to feel secure about her financial future and part of that is letting her know exactly what she will be entitled to upon his death. It would have helped her orient herself more properly and motivate her to save harder and make better choices for herself. I feel he’s let her down by keeping her in the dark.

Were you aware, before the cheeky comment, that he hadn’t told her the true situation between you?

In fact, he has allowed her to make a massive fool of herself in front of you.
I suggest she feels, and always did feel like the poor relative compared to your own family, hence her trying to put you down at your own wedding, - a nasty and thoughtless tactic that she was trying to replicate yet again with her very misplaced inheritance comment.

And now she will be mortified but will feel unable to back down and apologise.

She really let herself down OP, I agree. She’s been very unpleasant towards you, probably due to her own insecurities.

But I think you could have both taken the opportunity to tactfully set her straight, right there and then, at the dinner table, rather than let all your pent up anger out, triggering a massive defensive and very immature tantrum from her.

She has reacted very badly to the news from her dad now. You are all three very upset when it could have/should have been avoided.
I think a little understanding could go a long way, once you all calm down.

What's the saying OP, 'Many a true thing is said in jest'. May be now your husband has spoken to his daughter, and has seen her reaction to the news he doesn't own half the house, he finally can see all those comments in the past weren't banter.

I expect realising that his daughter is a good digger, and only out for what she might inherit, has come as a huge shock to him. After all no one expects their child to think in that way.

As for the nasty comments about divorcing you and him taking what he can, before you take the rest.... that's low. There's not much of a way back from that for you, I don't think. If your husband wants to lend the ungrateful mare his own money, that's his choice, but I certainly wouldn't be lending her joint or your money OP. I think perhaps now your husband is beginning to see that his daughter does resent you (for whatever reason) and isn't a very pleasant person.

Step back completely OP. Let the dust settle and see what your husband wants to do.

Its a joke I tell my mum all the time the stuff im going to take when she dies and that she better be nice to me as I will be picking her care home that im putting her in at 55.

I think there is some legality about money and property you own before getting married remaining yours. And then there’s pre nups.

But I’m assuming you’re not saying that to try and pressure her to tell you the contents of her will. There’s a difference between your loving family and this dysfunctional one.

i havent RTFT but i can see your point op, but i can also see hers.

as someone whos mum got with her 2nd husband when i was 22, this man has no financial input on my life growing up etc.

they brought a house 5 years ago, him putting in 80% of the money to be able to do this but i know their wills state, their finances, and estate is to be split equally 4 ways, between me and his 3 children.

when he got with my mum he took on the attitude of he now has another daughter, rather than seeing me as 'my mums child' despite me being a fully grown adult at the time

If she comes into your home again as im sure she will and is rude to you id ask her to leave and say this is my home not yours, what a POS she is, im quite pleased shes shown her true colours, what a wicked thing to say to wish them dad to get their money,

I know the contents of her will. Everything split equally between all siblings except i get more.

That’s the odd bit of this. Why didn’t the dad ever have any sort of discussion with her.

Surely if would have come up when that house was bought. Wasn’t anyone surprised that he bought a house (that he could only afford a small % of)? Presumably it would have occurred to her that the financially secure new partner/wife was paying for most of it?!

Or did she just assume that despite clearly having money, you were really stupid and would be happy to just give half of it to her dad or leave half of it to her, despite

a) her being a complete bitch to you and b) you having children of your own to leave your estate to!

Bullshit, nobody has the right to know anyone’s will. They have the right to ask, which OP’s SD hasn’t bothered to exercise. OP and her husband don’t even have children together so his daughter’s inheritance isn’t even “diluted” and anyway, plenty of people’s second marriages are to wealthier people than their first.

Sounds like she wish her dad has never married a younger woman who never liked her or accepted her and is making such a big deal about deserving a medal for "giving her clean towels and bedsheets and buying food'.

Everyone does hat for their kids friends at any sleepover and I bet make them feel a lot more welcome.

What a horrible sacrifice to have to give a clean towel to a child who should be coming HOME to their dad, not made to realise that they are barely allowed to "visit" and it's the new wife's house.

It’s very difficult for youngsters to get on the housing ladder so she was probably thinking of her safety net to come one day. Not maliciously just thinking ahead that one day she’ll be able to afford it. It probably came as a shock to her that her dad doesn’t own half as it’s not the norm, so she’s disappointed that’s all.

Does her Dad have some amount to leave her one day even if it’s not the house?

It’s a jokey comment, assuming the house is jointly owned, I don’t see why you overreacted, my dc would make a similar joke and I’d quip back, might leave it all to the donkeys, and smile