To resent my daughter?

[BeckyBloom]

My elder daughter who is 30 got married a couple of years ago and at the hen she completely embarrassed me. I could have bitten back but I didn’t want to spoil the mood as everyone was lovely and other than that we had a great time. It was a question about have you ever heard your parents having sex in one of the games. She said yes when she was 8, on a certain night and asked why I was doing it when I was in middle of a divorce. It wasn’t the middle, it was at the start of the text book bad behaviour, staying out etc. She then said she had found a dildo in my safe when she was 8 as she knew the password. This was said infront of her group of lovely friends, a couple of my friends and two family members.

It’s 2 years ago and I still can’t get over it as I would never embarrass someone like that. I’ve asked her for an apology and she just laughs and says it was banter and not embarrassing.

It’s really starting to affect how I feel about her as she obviously has no respect for me. Am I being precious and over the top?

I have and I can’t see anyone saying you should never ever say anything “remotely negative or critical” to your adult child or even alluding to it

and if you were my mum and said this to me I’d roll my eyes and tell you to lighten up.

I am not intent on blaming the Op

no one it to blame

the dd was tipsy and all attention on her at her hen do and she wasn’t thinking straight. She upset her mother.

2 years ago

and the Op resents her for it. That is one hell of a strong and negative emotion to have to anyone let alone a daughter you say you are otherwise very close to and has never behaved like this before

As far as I’m concerned, the divorce was dealt with 18 years ago… she has had healthy relationships and is aware of her dad’s behaviour and to avoid men like him so I don’t think there were isssues left over.

Maybe resent is the wrong word….

Have you spoken freely with your daughter about her experience of that god awful time when her father was behaving terribly and her mother was devastated?

Ok so that what was I thought was quite …. Alarming

what word would you use?

A very old fashioned take imo, most ppl getting married have already been in a serious relationship for years.

That said, there is a surprising and disappointingly high number of ppl who consider these events as an opportunity to take license.

Except the OP says her dd is otherwise emotionally intelligent and considers others’ feelings, just not, apparently, hers. Knowing friends who had difficult childhoods, abusive fathers and messy parental divorces, I would say it is really quite common for female children not to have been honest with their mothers about their own feelings in order to protect their mothers’ feelings, but to feel resentment in adulthood for having felt they had to do that. In adulthood, they now wonder if there is any point in bringing it all up now, as what would it achieve to tell their mothers what an emotional burden it was for them? I can see how the resentment could occasionally escape, though, especially at a time you are thinking about your own forthcoming wedding and what sort of a wife and mother you might be.

I would have been on the floor roaring with laughter if my dd said this about me. This is definitely a you issue.

As a mother you are good enough to publicly embarrass, and good enough to child mind?

OP, I think you need to have an honest conversation with yourself first.

I think your gut is trying to tell you that you deserve a lot better treatment from your daughter.

I certainly wouldn't be used for childcare by someone who thought so little of me.

upset would have been a better word… She was a daddy’s girl, so the divorce hit differently for her. It’s only as an adult she has been able to see him for the person he really is.

I have always put the children first post divorce and before. That’s just who I am. They are adults now though

I think use this as an opportunity to open up a discussion about her thoughts and feelings about being a very young child in what sounds like a very unhappy family home for some time. Begin by saying that you are struggling to let it go but also - you are concerned by her recollections of that dark time. And just hope it goes from there

The thing is she’s grown up in a different era to us - everything is a lot more open and less taboo now especially where sex is concerned! I would’ve been mortified too @BeckyBloom

Before the incident and in the two years since then has she ever hurt you? Offender you? Humiliated you?

Hassell, as far as I was concerned it was water under the bridge. She is a strong minded woman and if she had had issues I’d definitely have known about them.

I'm just bemused by keeping a dildo in a safe...

And I’m sure she thinks what happened at her hen do 2 years ago is water under the bridge.

but she is wrong.

so could work the other way. Have you ever had an open chat with her about her experience and recollections of that dark time for the family?

The thing is I would really heartily apologise if it was me in her shoes and I don’t want to bring it up again as she will roll her eyes like the last time and probably tell people I’m still upset about it 2 years later which is exacerbating it. But then I get no closure, so there’s no answer

We have had many many open discussions about the divorce as the drama he and the ow created was huge for me.

Ok op
I am saying about HER experience. All about HER.

It involved police and a restraining order for the OW

Honestly I think the thread is derailed. The divorce was put to bed a long time ago

I agree with this. She was in the wrong not you.