To resent my daughter?

[BeckyBloom]

My elder daughter who is 30 got married a couple of years ago and at the hen she completely embarrassed me. I could have bitten back but I didn’t want to spoil the mood as everyone was lovely and other than that we had a great time. It was a question about have you ever heard your parents having sex in one of the games. She said yes when she was 8, on a certain night and asked why I was doing it when I was in middle of a divorce. It wasn’t the middle, it was at the start of the text book bad behaviour, staying out etc. She then said she had found a dildo in my safe when she was 8 as she knew the password. This was said infront of her group of lovely friends, a couple of my friends and two family members.

It’s 2 years ago and I still can’t get over it as I would never embarrass someone like that. I’ve asked her for an apology and she just laughs and says it was banter and not embarrassing.

It’s really starting to affect how I feel about her as she obviously has no respect for me. Am I being precious and over the top?

Hen dos’ are supposed to be a last night of freedom. I find it very bizarre when parents want to come along and change the vibe. There are plenty of aspects of a wedding for parents and grandparents to get involved in.

I get it OP. Maybe she was a bit immature and drunk at the time of the hen.Forgive but maybe don’t forget for now as it were .You’re close and it’s lovely so don’t let it affect that .

@Solaitt "Every single woman on that hen do trip masturbates and most likely owns sex toys. Including your daughter. That’s nothing to be humiliated about."

So what. It doesn't mean they wanted the whole bloody room to know about it does it? Or that they wanted to be the butt of cheap jokes to make the hen look like a right little smarty pants. The DD is 30 not 15. I used to flood so, so badly during periods. Should my daughter tell everyone about that for a bit of banter? Nah, she shouldn't be shouting about her mother's sex life in front of other people. Not without being absolutely confident that her mother was happy to share such personal information. Bet she looked like a right little cow to be honest.

Op said earlier she was invited .

Sorry, but if I had heard that story complete with the divorce comment, I absolutely would have thought mother and daughter still had un-dealt with resentments surrounding the dd’s childhood and parental divorce. To later refuse to acknowledge the comment was hurtful just means to me that she can see her mother still doesn’t get the point, so why bother to apologise when you still feel resentful, or to discuss it when your mother is apparently blind to the resentment? Maybe the dd thinks the comment was no worse than the parental behaviour, so now they are even. Maybe it is better just to look forward and not hark back to messy divorces or lewd comments.

i imagine this acrimonious between her parents at her young age is something that really unsettled her enormously

Her ex husband.

See what ? She went snooping in a locked safe and found something she didn’t like. How is that OPs fault - she wasn’t aware DD had access to the safe. And kids hearing their parents having sex happens - no matter how careful you are. DD has had plenty of time as an adult to process the fact that her parents are also sexual beings and if she had a problem with any aspect of what she heard or saw, plenty of time to discuss it in the appropriate setting as an adult.

There are absolutely no grounds for an apology of any kind from OP here - she is the injured party. There’s also no evidence to say that DD was particularly affected - she laughed off OP’s embarrassment so clearly there is no burning issue here. Interesting that you couch these things in terms of ‘covering up’. A person’s sex life isn’t a secret - it’s personal and some of us don’t relish the private details of it being shared in front of a roomful of people. And I think OP is right to think twice about sharing anything she finds sensitive with her DD if she is loose tongued and has no regard for the feelings of others.

Yes realised and edited

Is there really any need for this ? Just read OP’s updates. Her DH was abusive - you think that’s amusing ?

Edited to add that this poster completely edited out the original horrible comment and replaced it with this, which now renders my reply nonsensical.

Yes it was acrimonious and awful

and probably a very very unhappy time for the DD too.

Shes probably just trying to remember and focus on the lighter moments!

Well they certainly weren’t lighter moments for the OP were they ?

No, but for an 8 year old perhaps they were.

Either way, DD was tipsy and all focus on her to answer the question at her hen do. She got caught up in the excitement and attention and wasn’t thinking straight. That’s it really.

@ThreadGuardDog " Her response to OP’s embarrassment was to say that it didn’t mean anything and was just banter. "

Isn't that what men always say to us too? And we're supposed to just smile our sweet little way through every kind of humiliation.

So what would you suggest? Given this isn’t an abusive man her daughter?

I don’t think noisy sex with an abusive man is a lighter moment. Misremembering your parents were already in the process of a divorce at the time doesn’t imply it was a “lighter moment” either.

It’s the fact the op uses the word “resent” that seems so strong. I could understand upset or hurt or “I still occasionally find myself angry about it”

but resent?

This child was 8.

8!!!

and if as hellish a time as OP indicates… she’s probably blanked the time line

It’s so clear that some women on here feel they couldn’t say anything remotely negative or critical to their offspring for fear of ‘ruining the relationship’

Really? What posts?

They can't come if they are not invited. Fine not to invite them, but don't invite them without taking into account that they will be there.

But resentful of what ? This is clearly the first OP is hearing of this, so if she didn’t know what was she supposed to do ? What ‘point’ is she supposed to get ? DD is an adult. If there were issues surrounding the past then she should have spoken up, as an adult, in the appropriate setting. And that DD has issues surrounding the divorce is an assumption on the part of a lot of posters. Sometimes things just are what they are. A thoughtless comment followed by the demonstration that you have no ability to consider the feelings of others.

There are quite a few if you read through them - including OP if what she has posted is anything to go by.

The hearing parents have sex question was just part of the 'game ' being played. Yes she could have just answered no, but some people find getting the 'laughs' important in a group situation, especially a hen do.
There's nothing to be embarrassed about. Unless parents only ever have sex when their children are out, most kids have heard it at some point.
I don't think it was necessary for your daughter to tell everyone about the dildo. It wasn't the 'game' question. I'd also be annoyed to hear that my privacy had been breached, it's not okay to go looking in someone's safe just because you know the password. I know it was years ago and she was 8, but why did she even do it. Nosy little get. I'd have called her out on that one when she mentioned it on the hen do.

Why are you so intent on blaming OP ? This ‘child’ is not 8 now. She’s an adult, and if she has issues then bringing them up at hen party while the worse for alcohol consumption definitely isn’t the appropriate time or place.