To resent my daughter?

[BeckyBloom]

My elder daughter who is 30 got married a couple of years ago and at the hen she completely embarrassed me. I could have bitten back but I didn’t want to spoil the mood as everyone was lovely and other than that we had a great time. It was a question about have you ever heard your parents having sex in one of the games. She said yes when she was 8, on a certain night and asked why I was doing it when I was in middle of a divorce. It wasn’t the middle, it was at the start of the text book bad behaviour, staying out etc. She then said she had found a dildo in my safe when she was 8 as she knew the password. This was said infront of her group of lovely friends, a couple of my friends and two family members.

It’s 2 years ago and I still can’t get over it as I would never embarrass someone like that. I’ve asked her for an apology and she just laughs and says it was banter and not embarrassing.

It’s really starting to affect how I feel about her as she obviously has no respect for me. Am I being precious and over the top?

I would seek some sort of therapy or counselling if you are still hurt by this 2 years on.

Of course an 8yo witnessing an abusive marriage will get confused. She won’t remember that time of her life as clearly as you do. She’ll remember the odd bits that stick out at her.

Every single woman on that hen do trip masturbates and most likely owns sex toys. Including your daughter. That’s nothing to be humiliated about.

Every single woman on that hen do trip will have totally forgotten that conversation. It means nothing to them. 2 years have passed. Life events for everyone has happened in between then and now.

The “mid divorce” comment was uncalled for, but it’s not something to hold a grudge about. Especially since you say your daughter is not normally one to upset people.

Please seek some sort of help, so you can let go of this. This isn’t healthy.

Wtf are you on about

I wouldn’t let it ruin my relationship as I love my kids but I think I would feel she’d been a bit disloyal if she knows this would embarrass you in front of people . I know my mum would have hated something like this so hen do or not I wouldn’t have said it.That being said try and forget it as it’s not going to make you happy holding on to it.

She would have said it where you were there or not. I think YOU are embarrassed about these things. You shouldn’t be!

It’s not like she lied. That would be embarrassing but these things are true. Nothing to be ashamed about.

Ffs, why don't people read at least the OP's posts properly before posting rubbish?

OP's sex toy was LOCKED IN HER SAFE.
DD somehow secretly discovered the combination and snooped in there.

Overhearing parental sex on one occasion is perfectly normal in a normal family. And it WASN'T in the middle of their divorce, DD got that wrong.

And if DD has an issue with any of this then she should have raised it privately with her DM, not humiliated her with it at a gathering with lots of friends and family in the guise of "banter".

Banter, btw, is almost always used to humiliate the target, it's never just meant as innocent fun for everyone.

I’m truly amazed at the way some posters will pretzel themselves to blame an OP for something beyond their control. Everyone has sex. Parents are no different. No-one sets out for their child to hear them having it, and inevitably it happens by accident. No one is to blame. At eight years old DD probably didn’t understand what she was hearing and over the years has realised as she moved into adulthood. So she’s processed it as an adult. What’s the problem here ? You realise your parents are sexual beings too, and you move on.

And if you read the OP’s updates the dildo was in a safe. She was unaware that DD had the passkey. There are several stories emerging from other posters that they went snooping in their parents’ private space and found things they didn’t like. How is that the fault of the parents ?

DD brought this up at a hen party in response to a game. If she had an issue with it, she had plenty of opportunity to bring it up in an appropriate setting and discuss is as the adult she now is. Her response to OP’s embarrassment was to say that it didn’t mean anything and was just banter. In effect she laughed it off, so where is the evidence that there was some burning issue that had stayed with her ? OP is not the issue here. Her DD’s idea of what is and is not appropriate for public discussion and subsequent lack of concern for the feelings of others most definitely is.

Way too personally and way too seriously. It’s not deep, it’s a funny crude story and nothing to be embarrassed over. Adults have sex, shocker! This thread is eye opening in how many people seem to completely lack the ability to laugh at themselves.

Thank you ThreadguardDog

Are you actually close to her @BeckyBloom ? See her regularly?

It could have been worse, she could have mentioned that it was an extra large dildo and that she also found a butt plug.

Sounds like she was troubled by the divorce. Her questions were quite telling. That and the fact it was around her wedding time. So probably something to do with that

I’m with you OP I would have been deeply upset about that and the way she dismissed your feelings. She could easily have apologised. I’m not sure where that leaves you though. I think you somehow just need to let it go.

She's also old enough to know that banter isn't banter when it upsets other people, own it, apologise and move on.

I'm not saying OP should cut off her daughter or anything like that but she has a right to feel how she feels and if she has how she feels know to her daughter she should own it ahd apologise not keep brushing it under the carpet with the excuse of "it's just banter"

Just saying get over it just means she keeps it inside and builds resentment.

Just to add I thnk it would affect my trust in her. I wouldn’t show it and I’d let time go by and hopefully realise it was an exception but tbh I think Îd have told her straight when we got back from the hen . That you were hurt and embarrassed, banter or not . It’s a bit late now so probably best to let it go .

To be frank, I wouldn’t find it in the least bit funny if my DD revealed something like this, in front of a room full of people and in the full knowledge that I was a witness, and further embellished with the completely unnecessary information about finding a dildo when she went snooping. And the subsequent laughing off of her mother’s embarrassment at the revelation is utterly disrespectful. It’s not a question of ‘adults have sex’ - that’s a realisation that DD would have come to on her own as an adult. It’s a pity that the realisation didn’t dawn at the same time that sex is very personal and that her mum may not have appreciated the very public discussion of her private life.

Hassell… very close. I have her baby for the day as she’s at work. After the divorce it was just the 3 of us .. dad was unreliable and we have had a great life since.

But it has affected the trust I have in her. She has a large circle and I’m choosy about what I say.

Oh right, so she should keep your secrets, again I don’t get you at all. You should be apologising to her she had to hear and see that at a young age, not kicking off as you think she should have covered for you.

I don’t have secrets!

Just don’t want to be gossiped about!

So makes starting a thread saying you are “starting” to resent your daughter 2 years post event even more utterly utterly weird.

I don't think this generation finds that kind of thing as embarrassing as yours does. This is why she doesn't want to apologise, she doesn't think she's humiliated you, she thinks it's all fun and games.

I agree with your point that it would be a shame. But that doesn’t mean that OP should have to swallow poor behaviour to maintain the relationship. That’s not healthy.

@Wickedlittledancer

OP kept her vibrator in a SAFE - an actual safe - her daughter didn’t have to find it. What do you propose OP should have done? Gone without to eliminate the risk ?

If you are serious about letting this go as you say upthread… stop fighting it out on mumsnet, leave thread and genuinely let this go