To resent my daughter?

[BeckyBloom]

My elder daughter who is 30 got married a couple of years ago and at the hen she completely embarrassed me. I could have bitten back but I didn’t want to spoil the mood as everyone was lovely and other than that we had a great time. It was a question about have you ever heard your parents having sex in one of the games. She said yes when she was 8, on a certain night and asked why I was doing it when I was in middle of a divorce. It wasn’t the middle, it was at the start of the text book bad behaviour, staying out etc. She then said she had found a dildo in my safe when she was 8 as she knew the password. This was said infront of her group of lovely friends, a couple of my friends and two family members.

It’s 2 years ago and I still can’t get over it as I would never embarrass someone like that. I’ve asked her for an apology and she just laughs and says it was banter and not embarrassing.

It’s really starting to affect how I feel about her as she obviously has no respect for me. Am I being precious and over the top?

I understand that but I think she's dwelling on it too much and may damage her relationship with her daughter which will be a great shame if she does.

Her behaviour was nasty and if she is emotionally intelligent, she absolutely knows that - you should not treat others in unkind ways they would never consider treating you, so unless you have actually been rude about others in similar ways yourself in the past, she 100% knew she was being cruel. I think you have left it somewhat too late to hark back to with her now, but the reality is, she has badly damaged your relationship in the long term, because she should either have acknowledged she owed you an apology when you raised it with her, or you will always be left with the not unreasonable impression that she harbours deep resentments against you, thinks you are weak and have poor judgement, and/or has told people all sorts of embarrassing things about you many times before when you weren’t there to hear.

I would guess that most of the posters who say this is totally cool wouldn’t feel this way if one of their friends did something like this to them. It’s nasty and humiliating and why should she get a free pass just because it’s her mum?
Maybe what you saw, OP, is that your dd isn’t a particularly nice person. Lots of people aren’t, after all.

Really unnecessarily misogynistic? 😡
Why do you need to say things like that?

I did hear my parents have sex, and it is something I joke about with my friends. But, I have the good sense not to bring it up with my mum even alone, let alone with others around! She is a prude and this would not go down lightly! Having said that, it wouldn't bother me if my DC did bring it up - it suggests we are grown ups and can recognize that we are all sexual beings. Not a big deal.

Completely agree with this. I just assume that most grown women have a vibrator. Nobody else from that hen do is going have thought twice about it.

She told the truth - it did happen - it was a hen.

What bit do you want her to apologise for.

And to damage your relationship over your own unforgiveness- that’s on you.

Its a shame your mum would have to miss out.

Is it really necessary to talk about sex in the most lewd fashion?

Why not do something a bit more 'normal' / decent, so everyone can join in?

I envy the men who just go for a drink / activity. I cant imagine a group of them sitting around snickering about sex or having a vagina drawing contest.

Ive often wondered why hens often must be so crude and childish?

(General question, not aimed at you).

I agree with this. I would feel mortified and let down if this happened to me. Perhaps she will understand one day.
but if relationship is otherwise good you should try to put this aside.

I feel there are two separate issues here.

The first - her ill-judged decision to play this game in front of you when she should've known you would feel ridiculed - is the lesser issue, IMO. She made a stupid mistake, but a hen-do with DM present was bound to be tricky.

The second issue is that when you told her how hurt you were at being made the the butt, she minimised your feelings and refused to apologise. That was wrong of her - and it's the only thing can now now be changed. She should apologise. And if she (and lots of others) feel you were being precious, that's irrelevant: she (mistakenly?) did something that mortified you when she really ought to have known how you'd take it.

Possibly what a PP suggested is true: when she says it's no big deal she mean that everyone else doesn't care, most women have sex toys and you needn't worry. But you already know all that and it's missing the point: she scored points off you, you said it hurt and she needs to apologise.

Wow!
What tf is wrong with you?!

Do you always wake up spoiling for a fight? Or just today?

And do you always have reading comprehension issues?
Or just today?

I suggest you do actually "get things straight" before spewing a whole load of bs.

Well. She publicly quizzed her mum about why she was having sex with her husband while they were going through a divorce. What was her mum supposed to even say to that? That question would be like opening a Pandora's box.
Totally not okay to question someone on something like this, especially not publicly under the guise of it being a game / banter.

Let's just hope she doesn't one day get divorced and end up understanding how that must have made her mum feel.

I think it is a big deal to publicly question why your mother was having noisy sex with someone when she was in the middle of a divorce. Why feel the need to mention the timing (inaccurately remembered)? As a listener I would find the comment weird, personal and very pointed.

I have a younger daughter and didn’t want it to be found. Perfectly reasonable

I really get how embarrassing this would be for you . I'd have been mortified and not trusted her for ages . If only she'd say that she was sorry instead of passing it off as nothing you could forgive . I'm older than you and we just didn't talk about our parents in this way . Don't go to anymore hen do's is my recommendation!

Exactly.

Sometimes I think weddings and hen do's send people's egos sky rocketing and they lose all understand/empathy for those around them.

I WAS NOT IN THE MIDDLE OF A DIVORCE. she was confused

Sorry I mis-worded that.
My sentiment is the same though, she is brining up what must have been an unpleasant time for you and prodding it as a joke, etc

I don’t think your child is the issue, you are. You can have sex and ensure they don’t hear and you can put your sex toys in places not to be found, I’d be fucking horrified if I knew my young child had heard or found something and it clearly stayed with her ever since, and yet she’s the issue?

She burst it out at a hen party in front of everyone - that’s no different. If OP was at the hen party, then presumably it was at the invitation of DD, so surely she should have been mindful that something like this would embarrass her mum ? Added to that there was the detail about snooping and finding a dildo. Totally unnecessary and totally inappropriate. Designed to embarrass, and deliberately so.

yes it all happened and none of it bothers me at all…. What bothers me is the way she proudly told our close friends and family about me. Inaccurately as it turns out!

That’s precisely the point - she made a comment about the timing that wasn’t even true, but which she clearly wanted others to think was relevant to the story. That’s what tips it over from being thoughtless banter to pointedly hurtful.

She said yes when she was 8, on a certain night and asked why I was doing it when I was in middle of a divorce. It wasn’t the middle, it was at the start of the text book bad behaviour, staying out etc.

No, you haven’t paid attention as this Mum was shagging randoms when her child was 8 and her child heard. And given the Mums emotional immaturity and punishing approach she never raised it until now.

8 year olds don’t need access to dildos and hearing their mother have sex with randoms

100%

Though I definitely don't envy the men going on a stag do either.

They might not be sipping out of vagina straws but I don't exactly imagine them to be much more civilised. Worse would be my guess

The sex toy was locked in as SAFE. The child cracked the safe LOL. That's not on the mum 😆