Adult daughter wants to move out after partner moved in

[2026problemsandDDcanbeone]

context: DD22 is an amazing, lovely person but it has always seemed like at home everything is 10x worse. I’ve became a single parent when she was 8 and chose to remain single until she was 18, when she’d be off to uni. I thought this was the right/safe way of doing things, but now I’m not so sure. She seems to think everything is hers with no consideration for others.

Uni in the traditional sense never came and I’ve never managed to get her to do things around the house, I’ve been consistently unsuccessful. Finishing college was a battle, then a gap year, then after much back and forth she agreed to apply to uni (my terms were either uni or a FT, but a PT while doing nothing else was unacceptable) only for her to decide to do it online at last minute. By this point I was worried for her because it felt like there was some sort of avoidance of responsibilities/new steps, but agreed to it because I thought hey, at least she’s studying. She’s almost done and recently got a FT job along with studying, which I’m really happy about and proud of her.

Due to a recent change in circumstances, the person I’ve been with for 4 years has moved in with us. She’s angry, rude, somehow does even less to help at home and announced she doesn’t need to buy anything anymore because I don’t need financial help now (she’s meant to buy her own skin care/fancier toiletries). I’ve been treading eggshells trying to keep everyone somewhat happy. DP called me out saying I’m scared of telling her anything, which is… true? Today after another (small!) issue she’s announced that she’s moving out and accused me of never wanting her here, that my goal was to push her out, etc etc.

I’m heartbroken. I don’t want her to move out in anger, all I want in for her to try and be a bit tidy and not smoke in the house. That’s it. I feel like if I let her move out angry it will ruin our relationship, but if I ask DP to move out it will ruin that relationship too and after 4 years I am very happy to live with him.

Any advice? I’ve been crying my eyes out all morning.

OP can your DD actually afford to move out atm? She won't have a clue about rental deposits or how much it'll cost her to pay bills (even in a shared house) if she's only paying you £20 per week. Best idea would be to charge her more rent from her new job then put some aside (if you can afford to do that) so you are also saving up her money for a deposit. Otherwise she may well fritter it all away on holidays/posh skincare (that is a rip off and doesn't work any better than the cheaper alternatives). My DD is also 22 & graduating soon & moving home whilst job hunting and I know it will be a learning curve for all of us adjusting to having her home again permanently after 4 years at Uni. You need to sit your DD down & run through household chores/divide them up - get your DD to agree which ones she's doing. She won't be welcome in a flat share if she's messy/lazy anyway. I'm easier on my DS 18 cos he's currently sitting A Level exams but I'll be expecting a lot more from him once those finish. He's pretty tidy anyway.

But surely she should be taking your complaints personally.

It's her choice to be a skank and make your life harder.

You can't get much more personal than that!

You're not bring incredibly petty, you're just being timorous (bad) at parenting. Sort yourself out then sort her out. Stop being such a wet blanket.

This is very disrespectful behaviour on her part and she clearly doesn't give a toss about upsetting or inconveniencing her personal servant and cashpoint, sorry mother.

If she has such slatternly and selfish stantards in a houseshare, she won't last long. Honestly, you really need to stop worrying so much about her delicate feelings and also, being her doormat.

She's creating, OP, because she doesn't like having an audience (DP) to her unacceptable manners in the house.
Push through the pain barrier and tell her you've had enough.

and if the cap fits

OP you are allowed to have a life. Your daughter is 22 and it’s time for her to move out, she needs to start her own life in her own way.
When she mentions it again I’d respond with something like: Yes I think it’s a great idea for you to start your own adventure. I’m excited for you, but I’d love it if we could still have dinner once a week. Maybe we could take it in turns to host?

That way you still see her every week for a while and she feels loved by you!

she sounds like she takes you for granted and perhaps standing on her own two feet will be the making of her xx

I think DD needs to find a house-share. It would probably be a disaster. But it might be the the only way for her to learn that it's not OK to treat other people like shxt.

My DD went through a brief phase of being absolutely hateful to me, which ended when she moved out. Sometimes they're just taking out their anger at their own lack of independence on the one who had a part in causing it. Because, yes, I was too involved, too prone to hover and spoilt her. Much wiser now, I hope.

@PangolinFriend how long was it from her moving out til your relationship being good again?

I’m just sad that DD feels pushed out, she’s convinced I resent her for doing uni online at home, which isn’t the case at all. Our issues are only down to how she treats the house (and ultimately, me).

I’d rather she moves out after having robust savings but it’s looking more and more unlikely by the day. I am starting to highly doubt she’ll last a year at home post uni. DP has mentioned getting his own place again if that would help but by that logic we might as well just end the relationship, how many more years are we going to be doing this?

@2026problemsandDDcanbeone Almost immediately she found the flat.

I think you need to reframe this OP. You seem unwilling to allow your daughter to have negative feelings, especially about you, but what you have at the moment is not a healthy relationship and it’s really not good for either of you. Relationships are healthy when there is mutual trust and respect in both sides and you have neither. Does she really feel pushed out or is that just something she says because she know’s it will upset you and make you pull back from enforcing a few boundaries?

You seem terrified that she will have negative feelings towards you if she moves out, but perhaps the best thing for her is to have those feelings, move out, realise that she’s been living in clover for all these years and start to be appreciative of what she had whilst living with you. Sometimes being a good parent means sitting with the uncomfortable knowledge that your child is ticked off with you, but going with it because the lesson they’re learning in the process is a vital one. You are not doing anything wrong by insisting that she pulls her weight at home but if you constantly back down because she doesn’t like it and you can’t live with that, she will never learn how to be a decent, fully functioning independent adult.

I’m afraid you’re going to have to do the hard thing to make better futures for you both.

@CountryGirlInTheCity you might have a point, I am very upset at the idea of us falling out. I was talking about it later on with the DP the day I posted and he said similarly, that I get far too affected by any other accusation that she throws at me.

I haven’t seen her since the day of my initial post, she’s been home to get her things for work but otherwise has been staying with a friend.

Ah OP it's hard. Parenting is difficult. But you sound like you are working it out. It's good your partner can support you.

Xxxxx

@Italiangreyhound she just messaged me informing me of her 3 upcoming holidays so I’m guessing she’s not moving out.

She isn’t the only one with a choice in the matter, OP.

Maybe she had a quick check on Gumtree and realized that her £20 a week wouldn't go far.

@poetryandwine do you mean regarding her moving out? I wasn’t saying it in a disappointed way, I meant more in a “she won’t move out in a fury” way.

I’ll still be having to have a serious conversation once she comes back home, I don’t think this time I can let it go.

PS I realise that sounds harsh. But she has put you in that position.

Many parents want DC always to feel that the home they grew up in is open to them. I, too, cherish this sentiment. But it is based on a spirit of mutuality that your DD is so fair failing to show. An able bodied, able minded adult DC has no right to demand to live with you, treat you badly and interfere with your relationship.

Please don’t let DD convince you that if you love her you will ignore that statement.

Sorry, OP, cross post.

I am very glad you can’t let this go.

I still think there is a chance that DD needs the fury to break free. Once she starts to feel independent, I hope she will establish a more independent but loving relationship with you.

It’s completely understandable- no one wants to be at odds with their children, but sometimes they just need a firm boundary and to know that you are worthy of respect.

When DD was a teenager she would have huge strops over what was/wasn’t allowed and would say we didn’t want her to be happy or whatever. I would try to stop and think ‘Is what I’m asking reasonable for her age and stage and for the good of her and the rest of the family?’ If I could honestly say yes to that I would calmly and firmly tell her she was entitled to her own opinion but that I wasn’t going to change my mind on this one and that I wasn’t going to tolerate rudeness under any circumstances.

She got the hang of it and is now a fully independent adult who understands the rights and responsibilities that come with that. Our relationship hasn’t suffered at all in the long run but I did have to put up with her being cross with me in the short term. She knows now that she was being self centred and even apologised for it a few years later (she didn’t need to really as it was normal teen stuff). It was very worth the short term pain for the long term gain (mainly gain to her because that’s the point of parenting isn’t it?) of having a daughter who respects others and takes responsibility for herself. She didn’t come back home after uni as she got a job in another city but if she had wanted to, there would have been an agreement on her responsibilities when living as an adult in our house and if she wouldn’t agree/comply she’d have had to move out. And if she’d been cross about that I’d have seen it as her issue not mine. I don’t think it would have happened because she moved into a house with other young professionals and was a respectful, tidy housemate……those boundaries were very worth enforcing it seems.

Also wanted to add, you are very afraid of upsetting her…why isn’t she equally wary of upsetting you? She’s old enough now to understand other people’s needs and emotions and you should be no exception. You’re not her emotional punchbag just because she can’t live like a slob in your home.

I’m also really glad you won’t let it go. Rooting for you!

@CountryGirlInTheCity I think add it originally but it might be relevant to say, DD was badly bullied when she started HS (it stopped after a couple years) and ever since then she has adopted a very combative/confrontational style. She’s generally lovely but at any disagreement or correction she definitely goes on overdrive.

I think it’s a bit of a defence mechanism, but I’m included in it if she’s in a rage. She’ll explode at the thought of having to concede she isn’t right about something.

Yes, OP, that’s sympathetic. But it is no way to go through life.

You certainly can’t function this way with a partner, should she ever want one. Does DD propose to be the perfect employee, never in the wrong? Or does she manage to control her impulse at work? Because, as MumsNetters frequently point out to abused wives, if you control yourself in one environment but not another, you are making a choice.

In DD’s case it may be a complex one based on your love for her - and hers for you - but the behaviours you describe are nevertheless wrong, and no good for either of you.

So she's become a bully herself?