Adult daughter wants to move out after partner moved in

[2026problemsandDDcanbeone]

context: DD22 is an amazing, lovely person but it has always seemed like at home everything is 10x worse. I’ve became a single parent when she was 8 and chose to remain single until she was 18, when she’d be off to uni. I thought this was the right/safe way of doing things, but now I’m not so sure. She seems to think everything is hers with no consideration for others.

Uni in the traditional sense never came and I’ve never managed to get her to do things around the house, I’ve been consistently unsuccessful. Finishing college was a battle, then a gap year, then after much back and forth she agreed to apply to uni (my terms were either uni or a FT, but a PT while doing nothing else was unacceptable) only for her to decide to do it online at last minute. By this point I was worried for her because it felt like there was some sort of avoidance of responsibilities/new steps, but agreed to it because I thought hey, at least she’s studying. She’s almost done and recently got a FT job along with studying, which I’m really happy about and proud of her.

Due to a recent change in circumstances, the person I’ve been with for 4 years has moved in with us. She’s angry, rude, somehow does even less to help at home and announced she doesn’t need to buy anything anymore because I don’t need financial help now (she’s meant to buy her own skin care/fancier toiletries). I’ve been treading eggshells trying to keep everyone somewhat happy. DP called me out saying I’m scared of telling her anything, which is… true? Today after another (small!) issue she’s announced that she’s moving out and accused me of never wanting her here, that my goal was to push her out, etc etc.

I’m heartbroken. I don’t want her to move out in anger, all I want in for her to try and be a bit tidy and not smoke in the house. That’s it. I feel like if I let her move out angry it will ruin our relationship, but if I ask DP to move out it will ruin that relationship too and after 4 years I am very happy to live with him.

Any advice? I’ve been crying my eyes out all morning.

I hope you replied ‘when is your move out date? Happy to be around that date and help move.’
youre not her punching bag and slave. This girl needs some distance to appreciate you,

I wouldn’t say so, like I said she has great feedback everywhere except at home. But I guess with me she does tend to have a pushy approach.

What did you reply to her re the holidays?

This is the perfect time to address the situation OP, and I suspect you know it and are scared to. THERE is the proof that you are being bullied - your fear to address it.

DP has mentioned getting his own place again if that would help

It won't help in the slightest. She'll be exactly the same as she was before and you won't have a partner you love. She might even be worse because she'll feel she's won, can do whatever she likes and you'll pander to her.

I've already said it on this thread and I'll say it again - and you've acknowledged it - that she was horrible long before he moved in. This has just given her another thing to weaponise.

Stop being afraid of her moving out. Don't let her dictate the rest of your life while she carries on being shitty. And if the holiday message means she's changed her mind, perhaps it's time for a very frank discussion with her. Either she pulls her socks up or you will make the decision that she's leaving.

That's exactly how bullies operate. They know who they can treat badly and who they can't. They home in on it with the accuracy of an exocet missile.

I've been bullied several times always by people who were nice to everyone else. Classic behaviour.

This, with knobs on OP. Enough's enough.

Sounds like she's been spoilt rotten, molly coddled and now she rules the roost.

Apart from the fact that you have obviously spoilt her.
She should have been inculcated into doing minor household tasks from age 8 ...
Maybe your partner sees you as primarily having the problem rather than your daughter.
You seem to be unhealthily dependent on her attitude to you ?
In which case the issue will persist whether partner is on the scene or not.
What do you think ?

Kids come first, OP! Always. You don’t stop being a mother once they turn 18 …

So OP should still be doing her child's laundry & buying her toiletries when the 'kid' is in her 50s & OP is in her 80s?

In this case, putting your child first means moving them out of the family home to help them that take last step to being a functional adult.

By all means, in what ways do you think I have stopped being a mother?

@alexdgr8 I am definitely dependent on her mood towards me, but to be fair on her I think I’m a bit like that towards everyone. ie if DP/coworkers/whoever is in a bad mood about something else entirely, I get very panicky and I have to “fix” it because I always presume it’s my fault.
It probably comes from childhood, I have had counselling a while ago but eventually had to stop due to affordability.

@Gymnopedie she’s been very ill (caught some bug at work) so we haven’t had The Chat yet, but the environment at home is awkward at best. She hasn’t been for a meal with us since my initial post, once we’re home she’s in the bedroom and then comes out once we’re in bed. It’s completely unsustainable to live like this as a family.

Really? And that means OP needs to spend the rest of her life serving and pandering to her adult daughter?

Her daughter is old enough to move on and be independent and if she wants to remain at home then she needs to grow up and understand that her mother also has a life. OP waited until she was 18 before she even started saying meanwhile I'm sure her father has been dating all along with no concern form DD. The only thing OP has don't wrong is pander and accept all the insulting and disrespectful behaviour from her daughter.

Yes you continue to be a parent even after your children get older, move on with their lives, have kids etc, it doesn't mean you put your life on hold forever and pander to their every whim while taking insults and abuse.

@Ilovelifeverymuch father is dead, which is probably why I wildly overcompensated.

You recognise what the issue is, that's a good start. It might take DD a long time to realise that it's not OK to treat some people well and others like shxt. But she will get there once she learns to stand on her own two feet.

I'm sorry to hear that, and I can see how you can overcompensate for that. We are where we are now and you need to start setting boundaries while making her know you will always be there for her but she does not get to dictate your life or what you do.