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Original poster

Adult daughter wants to move out after partner moved in

342 replies

2026problemsandDDcanbeone · 14/05/2026 09:26

context: DD22 is an amazing, lovely person but it has always seemed like at home everything is 10x worse. I’ve became a single parent when she was 8 and chose to remain single until she was 18, when she’d be off to uni. I thought this was the right/safe way of doing things, but now I’m not so sure. She seems to think everything is hers with no consideration for others.

Uni in the traditional sense never came and I’ve never managed to get her to do things around the house, I’ve been consistently unsuccessful. Finishing college was a battle, then a gap year, then after much back and forth she agreed to apply to uni (my terms were either uni or a FT, but a PT while doing nothing else was unacceptable) only for her to decide to do it online at last minute. By this point I was worried for her because it felt like there was some sort of avoidance of responsibilities/new steps, but agreed to it because I thought hey, at least she’s studying. She’s almost done and recently got a FT job along with studying, which I’m really happy about and proud of her.

Due to a recent change in circumstances, the person I’ve been with for 4 years has moved in with us. She’s angry, rude, somehow does even less to help at home and announced she doesn’t need to buy anything anymore because I don’t need financial help now (she’s meant to buy her own skin care/fancier toiletries). I’ve been treading eggshells trying to keep everyone somewhat happy. DP called me out saying I’m scared of telling her anything, which is… true? Today after another (small!) issue she’s announced that she’s moving out and accused me of never wanting her here, that my goal was to push her out, etc etc.

I’m heartbroken. I don’t want her to move out in anger, all I want in for her to try and be a bit tidy and not smoke in the house. That’s it. I feel like if I let her move out angry it will ruin our relationship, but if I ask DP to move out it will ruin that relationship too and after 4 years I am very happy to live with him.

Any advice? I’ve been crying my eyes out all morning.

OP posts:
Laurmolonlabe · 14/05/2026 18:58

2026problemsandDDcanbeone · 14/05/2026 17:56

This is part of my wider concerns too, to be honest. If we pool resources now we can consider buying property together relatively soon. I’m all for helping DD have a leg up in adulthood as I didn’t have that myself and I won’t be inheriting anything, but where does it stop? She was meant to start saving from January onwards (she set that goal) and so far it’s only starting (with 2 holidays planned already…). She’s only young of course, but I do feel like I’m at the stage where I also need to be planning my future.

My mother never remarried and I see how alone and unsupported she is now. Obviously we try our best, but I don’t want to feel that lonely or to have to place so much pressure on my own child.

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In the end your daughter is 22 not 12 OP, if she wants to be in a snit about it let her- it's high time she moved out anyway, I think you may have overcompensated rather after your separation , your daughter seems very entitled.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 14/05/2026 19:15

ourSusie · 14/05/2026 12:52

think it probably does, especially when verbalised!

he has moved in with Mum, they have not bought a house together,
he is perceived as the interloper, the guest, an unwanted intruder

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What a ridiculous statement 😂

She's an freaking adult and she needs to move on. OP took her time before dating and then waited before they decided to move in together, saying he is an unwanted intruder is just rubbish.

She needs to grow up, accept it or move out and see how far her £20 a week will go. And she also needs to stop being a rude entitled brat.

suburberphobe · 14/05/2026 19:23

do her laundry without hogging the washing machine for 4 days with wet clothes.

I'd be dumping it wet in her bedroom quite frankly. On the floor.

I do have an adult child as a solo mum. Not easy.

But my child comes before sex with some random man.

AndWorseAFemale · 14/05/2026 19:34

suburberphobe · 14/05/2026 19:23

do her laundry without hogging the washing machine for 4 days with wet clothes.

I'd be dumping it wet in her bedroom quite frankly. On the floor.

I do have an adult child as a solo mum. Not easy.

But my child comes before sex with some random man.

For goodness sake he's not a random man. Her daughter is a bloody adult and should start to behave like one. And I'm quite sure the OP has managed to have sex with her partner before now!

Thechaseison71 · 14/05/2026 19:39

nevernotmaybe · 14/05/2026 16:16

That's a seperate conversation though, lots of people find the idea of directly profiting from their children more than a bit weird. Other don't.

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Are they profiting though? I certainly didn't profit from my kids. For a start council tax jumped 25% never mind more utilities food etv

Original poster
2026problemsandDDcanbeone · 14/05/2026 19:42

suburberphobe · 14/05/2026 19:23

do her laundry without hogging the washing machine for 4 days with wet clothes.

I'd be dumping it wet in her bedroom quite frankly. On the floor.

I do have an adult child as a solo mum. Not easy.

But my child comes before sex with some random man.

Again, not a random man. We’ve been together 4 years, almost 5. In what world is that random?

OP posts:
Thechaseison71 · 14/05/2026 19:43

2026problemsandDDcanbeone · 14/05/2026 19:42

Again, not a random man. We’ve been together 4 years, almost 5. In what world is that random?

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Obviously the world of some pearl clutcher on MN LOL

Nourishinghandcream · 14/05/2026 19:58

"But my child comes before sex with some random man."

MN quote of the day!😂

nevernotmaybe · 14/05/2026 20:14

Thechaseison71 · 14/05/2026 19:39

Are they profiting though? I certainly didn't profit from my kids. For a start council tax jumped 25% never mind more utilities food etv

Show quote history

Any amount of money you get more compared to them not being there, is profit.

If they were paying the council tax difference if there was a loss of single person discount, that's what they are paying for not rent.

If they were spending £400 extra per month directly on, or as a direct result of their presence only, then fair enough. It seems unlikely in that case, but it's not impossible.

dinnerdateeee · 14/05/2026 20:16

2026problemsandDDcanbeone · 14/05/2026 17:56

This is part of my wider concerns too, to be honest. If we pool resources now we can consider buying property together relatively soon. I’m all for helping DD have a leg up in adulthood as I didn’t have that myself and I won’t be inheriting anything, but where does it stop? She was meant to start saving from January onwards (she set that goal) and so far it’s only starting (with 2 holidays planned already…). She’s only young of course, but I do feel like I’m at the stage where I also need to be planning my future.

My mother never remarried and I see how alone and unsupported she is now. Obviously we try our best, but I don’t want to feel that lonely or to have to place so much pressure on my own child.

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It’s absolutely valid. She’s an adult she doesn’t get to dictate that you throw your future under the bus for her. Stop this now.

Cherrytree86 · 14/05/2026 20:31

suburberphobe · 14/05/2026 19:23

do her laundry without hogging the washing machine for 4 days with wet clothes.

I'd be dumping it wet in her bedroom quite frankly. On the floor.

I do have an adult child as a solo mum. Not easy.

But my child comes before sex with some random man.

Exactly! Kids come first always! Getting your end away shouldn’t come into it. Shameful

ThejoyofNC · 14/05/2026 20:43

Cherrytree86 · 14/05/2026 20:31

Exactly! Kids come first always! Getting your end away shouldn’t come into it. Shameful

Show quote history

She's a 22 year old woman, not a kid. And she really ought to start behaving like one too.

dinnerdateeee · 14/05/2026 20:46

Cherrytree86 · 14/05/2026 20:31

Exactly! Kids come first always! Getting your end away shouldn’t come into it. Shameful

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🤣

Gizzywizzywoo · 14/05/2026 20:46

Periperi2025 · 14/05/2026 11:16

Daily hair mask are a reason she isn't saving though.

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Shes not even.buying.the daily hair masks the bank of mom is

Macinae · 14/05/2026 21:59

At 22 she needs to grow up. I lived at home during my 20's while saving for a deposit. I was working full time and would never have dreamt of treating my parents home as she does yours, purely out of respect. Let her go and she may learn the value of money and fending for herself. Some space and perspective will hopefully do her good and fingers crossed she can learn some respect for you.

99bottlesofkombucha · 14/05/2026 22:47

Cherrytree86 · 14/05/2026 20:31

Exactly! Kids come first always! Getting your end away shouldn’t come into it. Shameful

Show quote history

Where are the kids in this situation? Do you see adult romantic relationships ss solely about getting your end off? How sad.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 14/05/2026 23:14

suburberphobe · 14/05/2026 19:23

do her laundry without hogging the washing machine for 4 days with wet clothes.

I'd be dumping it wet in her bedroom quite frankly. On the floor.

I do have an adult child as a solo mum. Not easy.

But my child comes before sex with some random man.

What random man????

He is her partner and she is entitled to have companionship and love especially after raising her daughter alone for so long. How the hell have you labelled it sex with a random man????

Are you saying she should remain single and alone a long as DD continues to demand she stay alone? And then when DD decides to move on OP is left with what? Scrambling on tinder for dates?

DD is 22 she is an adult and needs to grow up. OP avoided saying until DD was 18 so she had been very considerate and prioritized her daughter.

Grammarnut · 14/05/2026 23:32

nevernotmaybe · 14/05/2026 16:16

That's a seperate conversation though, lots of people find the idea of directly profiting from their children more than a bit weird. Other don't.

Show quote history

My stepson's reason for charging was to make it clear that accommodation, food, washing etc cost and that if you are having these things provided then you need to make a contribution - step-grandson earns c.100k - and that the work ethic is important.

Pherian · 15/05/2026 06:22

2026problemsandDDcanbeone · 14/05/2026 09:26

context: DD22 is an amazing, lovely person but it has always seemed like at home everything is 10x worse. I’ve became a single parent when she was 8 and chose to remain single until she was 18, when she’d be off to uni. I thought this was the right/safe way of doing things, but now I’m not so sure. She seems to think everything is hers with no consideration for others.

Uni in the traditional sense never came and I’ve never managed to get her to do things around the house, I’ve been consistently unsuccessful. Finishing college was a battle, then a gap year, then after much back and forth she agreed to apply to uni (my terms were either uni or a FT, but a PT while doing nothing else was unacceptable) only for her to decide to do it online at last minute. By this point I was worried for her because it felt like there was some sort of avoidance of responsibilities/new steps, but agreed to it because I thought hey, at least she’s studying. She’s almost done and recently got a FT job along with studying, which I’m really happy about and proud of her.

Due to a recent change in circumstances, the person I’ve been with for 4 years has moved in with us. She’s angry, rude, somehow does even less to help at home and announced she doesn’t need to buy anything anymore because I don’t need financial help now (she’s meant to buy her own skin care/fancier toiletries). I’ve been treading eggshells trying to keep everyone somewhat happy. DP called me out saying I’m scared of telling her anything, which is… true? Today after another (small!) issue she’s announced that she’s moving out and accused me of never wanting her here, that my goal was to push her out, etc etc.

I’m heartbroken. I don’t want her to move out in anger, all I want in for her to try and be a bit tidy and not smoke in the house. That’s it. I feel like if I let her move out angry it will ruin our relationship, but if I ask DP to move out it will ruin that relationship too and after 4 years I am very happy to live with him.

Any advice? I’ve been crying my eyes out all morning.

Tell her calmly you love ber and ask her if she needs help packing.

bebefin · 15/05/2026 07:21

She’s 22. I had my own kid and a mortgage at 22. Tell her bye bye!

poetryandwine · 15/05/2026 09:24

BTW, OP, I would not let any adult hog the washing machine with wet clothes for days on end. If the machine was full of DD’s clothes when I, in your shoes, wanted to use it, I would ask her once to please deal with them.

If she didn’t do so fairly soon or if she was not due home shortly, I would not feel any regret at cheerfully plopping her wet things into one of those plastic laundry baskets. And saying no more. No drama.

Of course the flip side to this is that you need to remove your laundry from the machine promptly!

One has the slight sense that you’re afraid to upset her, and she takes advantage of this. But that isn’t good for either of you. She knows you love her. You don’t need to prove it by indulging her unhealthily.

Original poster
2026problemsandDDcanbeone · 15/05/2026 10:44

@poetryandwine I am definitely afraid to upset her, just because she takes everything so personally. The only issues we’ve had between us over the years has always been a) everything turning into a tip and b) the obvious smoking indoors that she consistently lied about.

The washing is just an example, it’s been death by a thousand cuts with house related things. If I don’t prompt her the dishes would be there for a week to be washed, if she sees the bin full she’ll just keep piling on top of it, leave empty boxes in the freezer after taking the last ice cream, etc. That sort of thing. I feel incredibly petty but when you had all of it up on a daily basis it really brings you down.

OP posts:
DancingFerret · 15/05/2026 11:16

2026problemsandDDcanbeone · 15/05/2026 10:44

@poetryandwine I am definitely afraid to upset her, just because she takes everything so personally. The only issues we’ve had between us over the years has always been a) everything turning into a tip and b) the obvious smoking indoors that she consistently lied about.

The washing is just an example, it’s been death by a thousand cuts with house related things. If I don’t prompt her the dishes would be there for a week to be washed, if she sees the bin full she’ll just keep piling on top of it, leave empty boxes in the freezer after taking the last ice cream, etc. That sort of thing. I feel incredibly petty but when you had all of it up on a daily basis it really brings you down.

None of those things is incredibly petty and you're right to be annoyed about it, but until you overcome your fear(?) of upsetting your DD, nothing will change.

poetryandwine · 15/05/2026 11:19

DancingFerret · 15/05/2026 11:16

None of those things is incredibly petty and you're right to be annoyed about it, but until you overcome your fear(?) of upsetting your DD, nothing will change.

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I agree completely.

poetryandwine · 15/05/2026 11:22

OP, if you begin to stand up for yourself and your house, it might help to make it clear that this is between you and DD and has nothing to do with the presence of DP.